After a quick shower, as quick as I could make it, I felt ten times worse after my sleepless night. I had felt like dead weight trying to get ready, I didn’t know it was this possible to be so tired and still be able to function like a human being. I had gotten dressed at a snails pace, having to do one thing at a time and slowly. When it came time to figure out what I was going to wear, I made sure to pick out a top that would hide the unwanted mark on my arm. It was mostly cloudy out, but I had been able to see some sunlight shining through my window into my room, so I put on jeans and picked a thin green top with a thin sweater jacket. Slipping on my boots and green scarf, I slipped out of the house. I hadn’t heard anything from Andres and I was glad for the easy escape.
Driving into town had given me major butterflies when I thought about what I was going to say to Adan when I finally saw him. I had been so sure about my decision last night, but this morning I knew I couldn’t go through with it. I was equally nervous to talk to both Scott and Adan, but for two totally different reasons and I didn’t know how either one of them would react to what I wanted. It was going to be hard to say goodbye, but it was something I knew I had to do to be fair to everyone. No one deserved to have their heart played with and I certainly didn’t like being the one to carry that burden.
As I walked through town now, I took my time walking up and down the busy sidewalks, stopping every now and then to glance at some of the window displays that would catch my attention. Looking around, I had hoped to spot Adan’s face hidden within the crowd, but I came up empty every time I searched. I had been walking for almost an hour now and if I didn’t find him soon, I was going to have to wait until after I got off of work and I didn’t think I had that much will power. I had already been slowly losing my mind in anticipation over the last hour. Having to wait another eights hours would definitely kill me.
I always seemed to feel him when he was close to me or at least it felt like that. I was constantly aware of that flutter that hummed just beneath my skin, leaving my body continuously tingling and it always seemed to ignite to life when he was near or I was thinking about him. Even now I could feel it pulse with each beat of my heart, but it was faint.I never paid much attention to it anymore, and the only thing was, I couldn't remember if it was something I had before the mountains.
I figured maybe it was time to start paying attention.
Stepping off to the side so I didn’t get trampled, I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the silent purr. Nothing, that I could tell, was happening, so I took a deep breath and tried to focus harder. I felt the warm currents stronger in my chest, so I decided to put all of my attention there and that set off the kind of reaction I was looking for. I felt like my veins had been lined with gun powder and the sparks had set them off.
I could feel the buzz getting stronger and stronger with each breath I took and ribbons of electricity were spinning out of control inside my chest. I could feel something else, but I didn’t know what it was or how to describe it, but it was wonderful and it reminded me of Adan. My body was being drawn toward something and I couldn’t stop the pull it had on me so I moved with it. I was vaguely aware that some people were staring at me and I wondered what kind of expression I had on my face as a result of what was happening to me.
I followed the invisible line I was connected to down the street, and pass the busier part of town. It tugged me across the street and along the shops that usually went to lunch around this time so it was much quieter and there were a lot less people here. I was feeling light headed, but my body was coursing with fire and adrenaline. I was being drowned in delicious white hot flames, but there was no pain, only an incredibly strong urge to find what I was looking for.
Adan, I thought. My body was desperate to find Adan.
I was passing through a small alley way when an arm sneaked out, grabbing me by the waist, spinning me around so I was pressed up against the side of the building and Adan’s body was hovering over me.
The minute Adan had touched me, my body had erupted with sparks and I felt the satisfying relief that I was craving. One arm was still around my waist holding me close to him and the other rested against the wall holding his body over me. My hands were pressed against his chest and I could feel his skin through his shirt and it was sizzling under my palm. I looked up at him and tried to inhale some much needed air. My heart was beating so fast I couldn’t catch my breath to save my life.
Adan removed his hand from around me and I wanted to whimper in protest, but I couldn’t do anything that required oxygen.
“Shh,” he whispered seeing the panic in my eyes and sensing my objection at the loss of contact.
I needed to feel him close to me, he managed to calm the rampage I had started inside me and was currently no longer in control of. The minute he pulled away from me, the electric ribbons sparked uncontrollably and again I felt like I was suffocating.
His free hand came up and he rested it on my chest, pressing it firmly over the spot where my heart was pounding wildly. I could feel the warmth of his skin spreading over my body like molten liquid and signed when I felt the soothing energy he was giving off, slowing the chaos and bringing it back to the silent hum.
“Just breathe.” He instructed.
“How can I breathe when you look at me like that?”
He laughed and brushed the hair away from my face before tucking it away behind my ear. When I was finally able to breath normally again, I looked at him, feeling totally consumed.
“Looking for me?” he asked innocently and I melted under his smile.
“I can’t believe it worked.” I breathed faintly. “What was that?” I asked dazed.
“You’re reaction to finding me?” He didn’t let me answer before he was talking again. “I was worried about you last night. I wanted to go back and check on you, but I knew you were upset. I wanted to go to your house, but I didn’t want to get you into anymore trouble with Andres.”
“Scott was upset,” I said remembering the look on his face.
“I don’t care if Scott was upset. I was only thinking about you, but I am sorry that fighting with him made you upset. I shouldn’t have provoked him.”
“I shouldn’t have, either.”
“I pushed you, too.”
“I’m a big girl Adan. I knew what I was doing.” I looked at him through my eyelashes.
“And what were you doing?” He asked.
“Playing with fire.” I professed.
“Me, being the fire?”
“You…being my fire.” I looked up at him coyly, waiting for his reaction.
I heard the low growl rumble through his chest, and his eyes blazed a stormy blue.
“You have no idea, how much I like the sound of that.”
I was all too aware that his hand was still lying on my chest and I could feel my heart speeding up again.
Looking at Adan now, I knew I was making the right choice and I couldn’t deny the intense feelings I had for him anymore and I really didn’t want to. Adan was my light at the end of the tunnel. If I was right about him, he was the one good thing to happen to me since I had woken up inside my coffin of ice. I was ready to tell him my secret and more then ready to learn his. I was getting excited just thinking about it.
“You’re beautiful.” He said interrupting my thoughts.
I blushed and I could feel the heat intensify under his hand. “Before you distract me, I wanted to tell you what happened with Scott after you left.” I took a deep breath.
“I’m listening. What did Scott say?”
Where did all my confidence from earlier go? I felt nervous trying to form the words.
“Am I distracting you again?” He teased when a full minute went by.
“Yes, actually you are.” I bit my lip.
“I guess were in the same boat. I don’t know about you, but I’m loving my distraction.” His grin was mischievous and oh so sexy.
Say it now before you lose you’re nerve!
“He did, did he? Scott’s a pretty smart guy.”
“He asked me a question.”
He didn’t say anything, so I continued.
“He asked me if I still wanted to be with him or if,” I avoided looking at him and took a deep breath, “if I liked you.” I rushed on not even giving him a chance to respond if he wanted too. “He gave me time to think about it and I know what I want, but first I have to ask you something.”
“Okay.” He said.
“How were you able to stop what was happening to me earlier?” It wasn’t originally what I was going to start with, but I was fascinated.
“I have magic hands?” He flipped them back and forth in front of me.
“I’m serious, Adan.”
“What exactly did I stop?”
I frowned. “You know what!” I said adamantly. “Your still doing it, I can feel it.” I said and covered his hand with mine, pressing it harder against me. “I can feel you.” I whispered looking up at him.
His eyes blazed and I could feel my body absorbing the sparks his body was creating.
“Can you honestly tell me you don’t feel that?” I challenged, searching his eyes for the truth.
“I can feel you.” He answered, avoiding what I was really asking him.
Was I going crazy? Was I really imagining all of this?
No. How could I be when I could still feel my body shimmering from the aftershock?
“You know that’s not what I mean, Adan,” I said getting angry and pushing his hand away and he fell back a step.
The sudden loss of him was devastating and I felt my knees weaken under the pressure. My palms gripped the wall behind me and I used it to support my weight because I was no longer able too.
“Sara?” he asked concerned. He had taken a step closer to me, but didn’t touch me this time.
“You’re lying.” Him lying to me hurt ten times worse then Andres’ lies.
“Sara –“ he started, but I didn’t want to hear his excuses and I could tell by the tone of his voice that, that’s what was coming.
“Why did you call me spitfire last night?” I blurted out. This is not how I planned to bring this up, but it was out.
“What?” I could tell I had caught him off guard by my question.
“You heard me, but for argument sake, I’ll repeat the question.” I was angry and frustrated. “Why. Did. You. Call. Me. Spitfire?”
He didn’t answer me for the longest time - he just stared at me intently and I had seen the sadness settle into his intensely blue eyes before it vanished and I could no longer read his emotion, but I could feel them and what I felt terrified me.
“There was no reason behind it, Sara. I just said the first thing that reminded me of you.”
“I don’t believe you,” I was shaking my head in denial. “Why are you doing this?”
“Doing what?”
“Lying to me?! Of all people, you?” I accused.
“Sara I’m sorry-”
“Don’t! I’m so tired of hearing the ‘I’m sorry’ excuse like that’s supposed to make everything better. It doesn’t, it makes it worse.” I wrapped my arms around my stomach trying to stop the endless ache that was starting to form.
“I promise I’m not trying to make things worse,” he confessed softly. “I’ve already complicated your life more then I meant too. I thought I could control it, but you do something to me. I knew you had an affect on me, but I didn’t expect it to be this…this intense.”
“This was not how this was supposed to go.”
The ache continued to grow the more apparent it became how this was going to end. With each word spoken, the pain was settling deeper into the center of my heart.
“There was so much I wanted to tell you so many questions-” I stopped abruptly. What was the point in confessing that? “None of that matters. I came to tell you that I can’t see you anymore,” I lied.
I expected him to argue with me; I expected him to tell me that I was crazy and that, that was not going to happen; I expected him to tell me that he couldn’t not see me. What I didn’t expect was him saying nothing at all; I didn’t expect his silent agreement.
I continued trying not to show how completely devastated I was at his unwillingness not to fight for me.
Suck it up Sara, I told myself.
“Trying to convince myself that we can just be friends is a big fat lie and I can’t do this to Scott anymore. It’s not fair to any of us to play these games.” He wasn’t looking at me and he just nodded. I started to get angry at his sudden aloofness. “You don’t have anything to say?”
Placing both hands outstretched against the wall, he dropped his head between his shoulders.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen. I should have listened to you when you said you had a boyfriend, but I was playing with fire, too, Sara.” Turning his head he finally looked at me. “I was looking for you, too. After last night, I was going to leave you alone, but when I saw you I just wanted a few more minutes with you. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“It’s funny how that works, isn’t it? The things we want and don’t want.”
There was nothing more I could say, there was nothing left to say. The decision had been made for me and I had been wrong.
“Goodbye Adan.”
I had chosen wrong.
Work was the last place I wanted to be right now.
I was trying desperately not to completely fall apart right now and I wasn’t doing a very good job at it. I sat behind the cash register, staring blankly out the store windows. I was only partially aware of the people walking by outside, reminding me life was still going on. I had been staring for so long at nothing that my vision had become blurred. We weren’t busy in the slightest today and that only made it harder for me to forget how this afternoon with Adan had ended.
I fiddled with the pen on the desk, absentmindedly rolling it back and forth beneath my fingers - it wasn’t a very good distraction. A good distraction wouldn’t have me constantly replaying my entire conversation with Adan over and over again inside my head, trying to make sense of everything that had been said between us. The pieces didn’t fit together and I felt frustrated by the whole thing and just wanted to scream. I felt like I was in mourning over the loss of something I never really had. The urge to have a complete meltdown had me on edge and I felt like I was going to combust under the pressure.
My anger got the best of me and I roughly pushed the pen out from under my fingers and it went flying across the floor, hitting the wood floor and bouncing into one of the big oak bookcases before ricocheting away. Closing my eyes and trying not to see Adan behind them was next to impossible and I roughly rubbed at the back of my eyelids hoping that would get rid of the image of his face. I had the feeling that anything less then the drastic measures of brain surgery would accomplish that, he was imprinted there for good.
Rubbing my fingers through my hair, I clawed at my scalp briefly before pulling my fingers the rest of the way through. With a big sigh I pushed myself out of the stool I had been sitting on, wincing slightly as the muscles in my butt complained, and walked around the desk to pick up the pen. My hair fell forward, framing the side of my face with a silk black curtain and my senses was instantly filled with the smell of Adan. Ugh, he was everywhere! I quickly stood up, grabbing my hair in a fist - I twisted it up and around until I had created a messy bun. Using the pen, I pushed it into the center of the bun, until I felt it secure my hair in place and ignored the few stray hairs that were pulled painfully from my scalp.
Forgetting about my seat behind the desk, I walked over to pick up a box of new books and decided that maybe I would have a better chance at keeping my thoughts away if I was preoccupied with alphabetizing the new shipment. Who could think about anything else when you had to repeat the alphabet over and over to remember if ‘J’ comes before
‘F’.
Who was I kidding?
I was about to walk toward the book case when I heard Maggie upstairs talking on the phone. I couldn’t understand what she was saying, she was talking in a hushed tone, but I could hear the tone of her voice and she sounded anxious. Whoever she was talking to, and whatever it was about, had Maggie distressed and that made me worry about her. Since I have started working here, I had never once seen Maggie upset over anything. She managed to keep her cool when it came to everything, including rude customers, wrong orders and damaged shipments. So hearing her upstairs left me to wonder what was wrong.
Not wanting to be caught attempting to eavesdrop on her conversations, I moved away from the winding staircase that led to the small loft above the book store that held her office. I would come up with a way to ask if everything was okay without giving away that I had been trying to listen to her call.
I moved to the center of the store, putting down the box and I pulled out one of the books and read the cover. After finding its correct spot, I pushed the other books aside and made room the other three that had been left inside the box. Grabbing the last three out of the box, I shoved them inside the empty spot and let go of the other books watching as the pages expanded closing up the small gabs between the books.
I knew this wasn’t going to take me long and I could already feel my thoughts creeping back to Adan from the lack of supervision on my part. I picked out another book and sought its rightful place. I looked at the cover, looked at it again a minute later and one more time when I realized that I still hadn’t paid attention to the title long enough to know where it went. Sighing, I leaned my head against the edge of one of the book shelves and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to hold on to every ounce of control I had to not completely lose it right here.
Everything seemed to ache – my heart, my head, and my body - but I didn’t see any relief in sight unless Adan appeared at my side right now with the answers I needed. I turned my head toward the door just to prove to myself that I wasn’t going to see him there any time soon. I knew he wasn’t coming and that realization alone almost had me throwing my arms up in defeat and giving up on the answers I needed just so I could be with him. However I didn’t see the logic in trading in some unhappiness just to gain a different kind of unhappiness, so I pushed the temptation away and focused on the books again.
Flutter (The Discover Series) Page 34