by Rowena Mohr
After lunch, promised Rami I’d go to a protest she’d organised to save some old tree in Empire Park. Turns out it’s not even a tree – just a big old stump. Apparently they cut the tree down years ago to stop the local Aboriginal people from gathering there but it didn’t make any difference. They just continued to use it as a meeting place because it has all these spiritual associations for them. But now the council wants to turn that section of the park into a skate ramp and the Aboriginal community is really pissed off. As you would be.
Only problem was, ten minutes after we arrived it started to pour with rain and the three people who were actually using the park sprinted back to their cars and we were stuck there for the next three hours freezing our butts off and holding our stupid placards over our heads to try to stop from drowning. Even Ruby and Ted – or the ‘traditional owners’ as Rami kept calling them – decided it was a lost cause after about half an hour and packed up and went home. But not Rami. Oh no! She’d told the local paper that we were going to be there till five o’clock so that’s what time we were leaving.
At three o’clock I snuck off to the toilets and phoned Mum to tell her to come and pick me up. Rami was not happy!
Sunday 8 May 9.17 pm
Think I’ve caught pneumonia!
Monday 9 May 4.42 pm
Creepazoid insisted on giving SLB and me a lift to school this morning even though I said I’d rather take the bus!! How humiliating! Now everyone knows what’s going on with him and my mother and they all think it’s hilarious.
And to make matters worse, I didn’t get the lead in Dracula – Mandozer did. I tell myself it’s only because she can sing better than I can – that is, if you think a pathetic wannabe Christina Aguilera can sing. And Psycho Stalker Guy is playing Dracula. Mandozer’s been going around saying that now she’ll get to pash him on stage in front of everyone and we’ll all be jealous. As if!
But – how cool is this – I got the role of Mina. She’s like the second female lead and she’s the girlfriend of one of the vampire hunters. There’s only two women in the whole thing – as usual – so all the other girls who auditioned are furious. Especially because it seems like every guy in the school got a part – even stinky old Ivan! Even Vince Cuoccolo the drug dealer!
Door Matt is playing Jonathan – Mina’s boyfriend. I so hope I don’t have to kiss him! Even worse, SLB is in it too. He’s playing another of the vampire hunters but they still haven’t cast the main one – Van Helsing. It’s a shame Hugh Jackman doesn’t do school plays.
Tuesday 10 May 6.26 pm
Rami arrived at school today to find the word ‘eco-fascist’ painted on her locker! It’s a real mystery because I wouldn’t have thought anyone at our school actually knew what it meant. Told her it must be some super-literate disgruntled skater dude.
Wednesday 11 May 5.45 pm
Totally crippled! SAS training with you-know-who.
Thursday 12 May 4.39 pm
Had our first rehearsal after school today. Oh my god! Dicko told us that his version of Dracula is, and I quote, ‘a modern parable about drug addiction, sexual promiscuity and the spread of blood-to-blood diseases’. What have I got myself into? We had a read-through of the script and I couldn’t make up my mind whether to laugh or cry. Not only has he set the story in a nightclub in the 1970s – when none of us were even born! – the ‘musical’ part of the show consists mostly of a bunch of crappy old songs – of which none of us have ever heard! Dicko read the role of Van Helsing and we stumbled through the scenes as best we could. Every time we came to a song, Dicko jumped up and ran to the piano and proceeded to sing the whole thing all the way though. Then he’d rush back to his seat and describe the next scene and off we’d go again. The whole thing took about three hours. Even Mrs Parisi was nearly asleep by the end of it. The only bright spot of the evening was discovering that Marisa Mendoza’s character gets killed off halfway through and I get the rest of the show to myself. Eat dirt, Mandozer!
We have rehearsals twice a week on Tuesday and Thursday nights. I have to sing two solos! HELP! One of them is called ‘You’ve Got A Friend’ and I have to sing it to Door Matt after he’s found bleeding and unconscious outside the nightclub one morning to show him how much I love him and that I’ll be there for him. He sings it to me later in the show when I think I’ve been infected by Dracula (who Dicko has cleverly disguised as A. Lucard – nightclub owner and drug dealer!). The other solo is ‘Beautiful’. It’s like a mourning song that I sing when I find out my best friend Lucy (Marisa Mendoza!!) is dead. Now, that is going to require some acting!
Friday 13 May 5.15 pm
Rami is going to be the stage-manager of Dracula. Which means she has to attend all the rehearsals and take notes from Mr Dixon and Mrs Parisi about the set and the lights and stuff. And then when the show is on, she has to make sure that we start on time and that no one misses their cue and the sets don’t fall over in the middle of a scene. She’ll be really good at it too, she likes bossing people around! And I’m sure the fact that she will also get to hang out with Rock God Brendan had absolutely nothing to do with it!
Saturday 14 May 9.45 pm
Aaargh! Our big treat with Dad today was a visit to the local library. Honestly, how old does he think we are? The only good thing was that I found a copy of Dracula, the book. It’ll be interesting to see what a mess Dicko’s making of it.
Told Dad about Creepazoid practically exposing himself to me and asked him what he was going to do about it. Dad just looked at me like I’d told him I’d stubbed my big toe, and said he’d have a word to Mum! A word! Like that’s gonna stop me from being abused in my own home!
Watched a video (Dad doesn’t even have a DVD player!!) about these cutesy little twins who try and get their divorced parents back together. It was so lame that even SLB was nearly gagging by the end of it. Dad fell asleep and snored most of the way through. Welcome to my glamorous world.
Sunday 15 May 6.16 pm
Back home. Started reading Dracula. You know, I think maybe Dicko’s onto something.
Tuesday 17 May 8.40 pm
Creepazoid finally showed his true colours! I’m in the bathroom applying my pineapple-and-pawpaw body butter like I do every morning and he comes barging in like he doesn’t already know I’m in there. Revolting perv! I started screaming at him and he pretended he was all embarrassed and apologetic and everything and of course Mum believed him and not me. She is so biased.
I told her I was going to call Child Protection Services and she said, ‘Go ahead and do what you like. It’s not going to bring your father back!’
And then I said, ‘Why would I possibly want Dad to come back? So I can listen to you two fight all day?’
I think that’s when she slapped me but I can’t be sure. I think maybe the force of the blow has affected my short-term memory. Which is a problem because I need to be able to tell Child Protection exactly what happened.
Phoned Rami for some moral support but do you know what she said? She said if I’m not careful I’ll end up in a foster home straight out of Dickens with eighteen other underprivileged kids, living on nothing but dry bread and gruel – whatever that is. Which means she doesn’t believe me either!
Tried to ring Child Protection on my mobile during lunch but the number was engaged. Typical! I could be molested in my own bed and no one would care.
First proper rehearsal tonight. What a joke! The show opens in Dracula’s – sorry, Lucard’s – nightclub with these two gangs kind of having a fight except they are actually singing and dancing. The Crew of Light – they’re the good guys – are a bunch of wholesome kids who think that you should be able to have a good time at a club without taking drugs or indulging in promiscuous behaviour (Dicko’s words, not mine)! Then there’s the baddies. They don’t really have a name but are just sort of supposed to be the evil forces of the night or something. Anyway, they’re all loyal to Dracula and are always trying to win people over to the dark side by ge
tting them addicted to drugs.
Dicko started out by showing us the dance steps for the opening number. What gives? Do they remove the rhythm gene from the male of the species when they reach puberty or something? I swear it looked like the entire male chorus was being attacked by a bunch of wasps! They were so bad that Mr Dixon had to put them all up the back so no one can see them. All of them except SLB that is, who is turning into Dicko’s Mini-Me.
Rock God Brendan wasn’t in this bit but he turned up anyway just to show how dedicated he really is and sat in the auditorium next to Rami as she was writing down Dicko’s stage directions. He must have suddenly become the funniest guy on earth because Rami was laughing and giggling at everything he said like he was totally hilarious.
And then, after rehearsals Ra comes up to tell me that she and Brendan are going to have a coffee at Le Cafeteria and did I want to come too, like I was some dateless desperado!! Where does she get off? I mean, she basically calls me a liar (re the Creepazoid thing) and then expects me to hold her hand while she drools all over Rock God Guy. Get real!
Tuesday 17 May 9.27 pm
Since the authorities – not to mention family and friends – have failed me utterly, have decided to start sleeping with the door locked and a pair of scissors under my pillow just in case you-know-who gets any more ideas.
Tuesday 17 May 9.38 pm
Could only find some tiny little nail scissors but the ends are really sharp!
Wednesday 18 May 5.55 pm
Rami asked me if I wanted to go for a coffee after school.
‘Is Brendan coming too?’ Ra looked at me like she had no idea who I was talking about.
‘No. I just thought you might like a coffee.’
‘Oh.’
When we got to Le Cafeteria, she handed me a crumpled sheet of paper. ‘Read this!’ she commanded. She was so excited I thought it must have contained Jake Gyllenhaal’s mobile number or something, but it was just a poem. Ra told me that Serena Immas told her that Mandozer apparently has a secret admirer who keeps sending her these really romantic love poems but nobody knows who it is.
For Marisa
Though day has dawned, night holds me still in thrall
All’s close and cloudy, dark and unillumed
Until at last the school bell’s happy call
Announces light from darkness soon will be exhumed.
Then slowly does the arc of day unfold
A glorious cosmos rises at your tread
And day’s drab hues warm from grey to gold
And I to your sweet orbit am then led.
For six short hours am I love’s satellite
A celestial moth who worships at your flame
Till tolling bell warns of coming night
That bitter rival jealous of your fame.
Oh, let me not to darkness be condemned
Be mine and let the tide of night be stemmed.
I ♥ Marisa 4 ever
‘Unillumed? Is that even a word?’
‘No. But that’s not the point.’ Rami’s soyacino was practically flying out of her cup. ‘The point is, who, at Wilga Heights, is capable of writing even a bad sonnet? I mean, who do we know who even knows what a sonnet is?’
‘Who cares?’ I said, trying to hide the fact that I couldn’t remember what a sonnet was. I mean, I knew it was some kind of poem and that’s all that matters, right? ‘I don’t understand what all the drama’s about. It’s obviously Door Matt, isn’t it?’
‘No, I asked him and he says he knows nothing about it.’
‘Well, if it’s not Door Matt then Mandozer must be sending them to herself – just to torment him.’
‘Not likely,’ Rami snorted gleefully, looking more like Elmo – or is it the Cookie Monster? – every second. ‘I don’t think Mandozer’s ever set foot in the library and she wouldn’t know a sonnet from a sandwich.’ I had to admit that she had a point but to be honest I wasn’t really that interested and I couldn’t figure out why Rami was so obsessed by it.
‘Fascinating though Mandozer’s love-life is, I need to talk to you about something that is actually quite important.’ Rami stopped waving her coffee around and gave an impatient little sigh.
‘Let me guess. Mr McKenzie? Sorry, Creepazoid? Pervert, child molester, sleeping with your mother.’
‘Is there a problem? Maybe I’m imagining it, but I get the impression that you are not taking this issue seriously. And quite frankly, if you are not going to be supportive about this then I really don’t think there’s any point in continuing this conversation.’ I stood up, fully intending to just walk out and leave her there. Honestly, I don’t know what’s got into her lately.
‘Sit down, Er. I’m sorry. It’s just that all this stuff about Mr M . . . I mean, Creepazoid, seems a bit silly to me.’
I started to say something but she cut me off.
‘That thing in the bathroom – that could happen to anybody. I mean, the door doesn’t even lock properly. And if you ask me, that’s not what this is all about anyway.’
‘What? What do you mean?’
‘Well, I think maybe you’re overreacting to all this stuff because you’re worried that maybe he and your mum are getting too close. And before you bite my head off, can I just say that I don’t think you’re giving him much of a chance – Creepazoid, I mean.
‘What chance does he deserve? The guy’s a creep!’
‘I actually think he’s okay.’
‘What? You’re not serious!’
‘Well, his PE classes are pretty tough – but I don’t mind that. I mean, Mr Estrella would let you off PE if you had a broken fingernail, he was so soft. And I hate those really short shorts Mr M wears – but apart from that . . .’ She shrugged.
‘I can’t believe you are saying this.’
‘Why? I’m not your clone, Er. I don’t automatically have to think exactly what you think and hate exactly who you hate. I do have a mind of my own.’
‘It’s called loyalty, Ra. It’s called being supportive of your best friend. I thought you of all people would understand that.’
Silence.
‘Ha,’ I thought, ‘that got her!’ But then do you know what she did? She looked at me in this sort of disappointed way and said she had to go. Like I’d done something wrong! She didn’t even finish her organic banana-and-walnut loaf.
Thursday 19 May 9.05 pm
OMG! The Creepazoid is going to play Van Helsing! Is that even allowed? I think maybe the guy is stalking me and that he’s only pretending to be interested in my mother to get closer to me! No doubt Rami would say that maybe he just likes acting. I seriously thought about telling Dicko that I wouldn’t be able to do the show but I don’t see why I should sacrifice my career just because of him. Still, I’m a bit creeped out by the whole thing. Of course in Dicko’s version VH turns out to be an undercover cop trying to bust Drac on a big drug deal and the Creepazoid spent the whole rehearsal charging round the set like Al Pacino on testosterone-enhancing drugs. The afternoon was only salvaged by the discovery that Mandozer’s character Lucy is a complete slut. Talk about typecasting! We rehearsed this scene where SLB, Vince Cuoccolo and Kerry Fennessy all try to crack on to her and she flirts with them all and then she sings, ‘It’s Raining Men’. This show is SO gay.
Friday 20 May 8.17 pm
Creepazoid is here again. He kept staring at me all through dinner with this completely vomit-inducing look on his face and trying to crack jokes about how weird it is that he and Ben and I (his exact words were ‘practically the whole family’) are all going to be in Dracula. I just said that only two members of OUR family were in the show, but Mum told me to shut up. And then afterwards, when I’m standing at the sink, he comes up behind me and starts pawing my shoulder going, ‘It’s okay, Erin. I understand. I just want you to know that I’m never going to try and take Dave’s (my Dad’s) place.’ !! As if!
Rami has SMSed me fourteen times in the last two days.
Sat
urday 21 May 11.02am
Bored! Bored! Bored! The Creep has taken Mum and SLB to Southland to buy a new TV and DVD player. He is so obvious. Why am I the only one who can see what he’s really like?
Saturday 21 May 12.13 pm
Six more SMSs from Rami. If she’s not careful she won’t be able to afford to feed all the Africans this month.
Saturday 21 May 12.32 pm
Rami rang and apologised for being so obnoxious the other day. I think maybe she’s a bit stressed about her grandad but she really should learn not to take it out on other people. We decided to go and see a movie and I let Ra choose, so of course she chose this boring-sounding nature documentary at Imax. But actually it was really good – except that we had an argument afterwards about what the movie was about. I thought it was all about how some animals are great role models for humans because they are monogamous (that just means that unlike humans they actually mate for life!) and are very dedicated to their children once they are born. For instance, daddy emperor penguins sit around on the ice for two months balancing an egg on their toes and slowly starving while the mummy penguins go off to find food. How’s that for dedication? Some parents I know could certainly learn a thing or two from penguins!
But Rami said that that was exactly what was wrong with it. She said that once again the natural world had been ‘anthropomorphised’ (had to look that one up – it means that animals are given human characteristics) and the whole movie looked like it had been ‘hijacked by right-wing conservatives in order to promote an unrealistic ideal of the traditional nuclear family’. Which is pretty funny when you think about it because she’s about the only person I know who does actually come from a traditional nuclear family. I mean, it’s so easy to talk about how liberating the whole single parent /step-parent /lesbian/ licorice allsorts family model is when you don’t actually have to cope with living in one, isn’t it?
Anyway, we got into this argument and Rami said that my critical faculties were underdeveloped and I really needed to read more – and not just Who Weekly for a change. You know, I think Rami is turning into one of those humourless Greenpeace-like activists that always think they’re right and everybody else is either stupid or evil. Anyway, I told her that and she said that just because she has a social conscience doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have a sense of humour and to prove it she was going to tell me a joke but she couldn’t think of one right now!!