by Nicole Ryan
“I’m not your daughter, you sick fuck.” I said as I squeezed the trigger.
Click.
At first, I didn’t know what happened, and in the second I took to look down at the pistol in shock, he came at me. I sidestepped in time to make a dash for the door but his hand caught my ankle and sent me crashing to the floor. As I landed my chin hit the deck and my teeth took off a chunk of the inside of my cheek. I saw Christie wrestling with the man, before she was flung off of him like no more than a rag doll.
I reached, clawing for the doorjamb, and pulled myself up, the copper taste of blood flooding my mouth. I ran down the short hallway to the great room searching frantically for the knife that I thought I’d dropped somewhere. My mind was a blur, panic had set in. Each thought, each move I made was purely instinct. Each blink seemed followed by a flash of light, and there was a delay between when my eyes moved toward an object and when they landed, and focused on it. I felt as if I were stuck inside my head, screaming orders at myself, but not being able to follow my own directions, fumbling around like an idiot.
I felt something connect below my right shoulder, red hot pain bloomed there and when I turned around I was shoved to the floor, landing hard on my bottom. Clambering on top of me, the man reached for the knife that I had dropped. There was blood on the tip of it, a drop landed on my clavicle as he held the knife up to me, and I went crazy. Had he stabbed Aden? Alex or Christie? I wasn’t sure, but I thrashed wildly trying to get away from him.
“Aden!” I screamed, beating against the man’s chest as he pried my legs open, to kneel between them, the knife forgotten.
His eyes focused hungrily on my chest as he reached for the seam of my tank top. I knew something terrible had happened to my beloved, I felt it in my bones, sinking into my mind like settling sand. This man was crazy. He was psychotic. There was no soul in these eyes, only darkness, and hate. I moved mechanically, trying to brush away his hands which were pawing at me everywhere.
“No, stop it get off of me!” I cried as I bucked under him and pushed against his shoulders.
“Hold still, this won’t hurt honey.” He said as he tried to hold both of my small wrists in one hand, and undo my jeans with the other, he was frantic, his tongue hanging out of his mouth as he fought with them.
“No!” I screamed at him. Kicking my legs, and pulling my hands closer to my face I lifted my head up to them, and bit his hand.
He howled as he let go of me for a second, and I spun to reach for Aden’s bag, but the man was too quick, he pulled my jeans nearly down my bottom. I kicked my legs at him, and tried madly to get the bag unzipped as hands clawed at my camisole and my back, ripping it nearly in half. I kicked at him and screamed in frustration while struggling with the bag. As the man gripped my shoulders, sending pain shooting down my side, and flipped me over to face him, my fingers landed on the violet wand. I gripped it tightly as he pinned me down, his stinking breath gusting into my face.
“Stop fighting me, Erica!” He bellowed.
“Get off of me!” I screamed in his face violently trying to wrench myself from his limbs that seemed like tentacles.
“Hold still.” He said, the deranged look in his eye intensifying as he leaned down to kiss me, his mouth open, his tongue sticking out of his mouth.
I seized my opportunity and clicked the violet wand on as I shoved the tip of it inside his mouth. When I heard the loud familiar snap, I shoved myself back from him with my heels, as he flew away from me, bringing his hand to his mouth, his eyes wide with shock.
I scrambled to my feet and fled to the bedroom to find Christie huddled next to Alex sobbing. He wasn’t moving, she had his hand in hers, pressed against her mouth, muttering his name over and over. I glanced at Aden, who was also not moving, I still couldn’t see anything above his knees, and I hesitated. But as I thought of going to my beloved, the man appeared in the door way. I wavered as a strange fatigue came over me, I felt nauseated.
I glanced back at him, my eyes over flowing with tears, tears of pain, sadness, fear, and anger. He was smiling. Not a strange or odd smile, no, he was smiling joyously, like a kid who has gotten every item off his Christmas list. I felt a rage building deep within me. His teeth bore before me, and he snickered as he sauntered into the room. I held his gaze as I gripped the violet wand as if it were magic, strengthening me, empowering me, I knew this tool, I understood where it should go, and where it should never go, and if I got the chance, I’d shove it down his throat again. I closed the distance between us, almost on impulse, with two large steps.
He smiled at me, and took another step toward me, and that’s when I saw the glint of the knife in his hand. With every bit of willpower in my body, I charged him, not wanting to lose the advantage. I lifted the wand up in my fist and gripped it with both hands, before I shoved it like an ice pick through the man’s cold dark eye. I screamed in triumph as I increased pressure, forcing him down to his knees.
He let out a piercing scream of pain, and I whirled around to grasp the baseball bat, I lifted it above my head and hesitated, closed my eyes, and with all my strength brought it back down on his head. The connecting sound was awful, and sickening, but I turned my head away did it again, and again… Christie’s screams of horror echoing in the walls of my skull. Finally, I opened my eyes and saw that the man was still. I dropped the bat, sinking to my knees, my stomach turning and lurching. The bile that rose up burned my throat and nose as it poured out of me violently. I looked at Christie who stared wide eyed at her father, her face sprayed with tiny beads of red, and rocked back and forth on her knees, pressed against Alex, who lay there, breathing shallow, eyes closed.
A small sob left me as I leaned forward, and put my face in my hands. Not having the strength to stand, I placed my hands on the rug before me, and leaned forward crawling to the other side of the bed, where Aden lay motionless, the bedding strewn about him. I wiped snot from my nose as I searched for his face, pulling the covers away from him, trying to see through my tears.
“Aden?” I whispered, bringing my hand to his face. “Please…”
Slowly Aden groaned, his eyes fluttering open. I moved the blankets and pillows away from the rest of his body, revealing the blood that was spreading around him. His hands were folded over his abdomen, the wound oozing steadily between his fingers.
“No, oh God baby, no.” I cried as my chin wobbled, I pressed my hand against his, trying to apply as much pressure as my waning strength would allow. Looking to his eyes, seeking some sort of instruction. “What should I do?”
“I’m ok.” He said between gasps, he brought one hand to caress my cheek, and I felt the warm stickiness of his blood. I placed my hand over his and closed my eyes, my tears falling down my face as I reveled in his touch after all of this.
“I’m sorry I didn’t get here sooner.” I said.
“I love you Amber, you have to know that. I love you more than anything in this world. You’re amazing.” I closed my eyes and sobbed softly. “Do you hear me? You are special, and kind and smart and I am so proud of you, and everything that you are and will become.” He said, his beautiful eyes twinkling as they captured mine. I wanted to drown in those eyes.
“No.” I sobbed, tears spilling over my eyelids. “Please, no, you can’t leave me.”
“I won’t ever leave you.” He smiled.
I leaned down and kissed him, my tears falling onto his beautiful face. “Hold on baby, I have to find help.” I said wiping my nose on the back of my hand. He nodded at me, before taking a deep breath and swallowing hard.
I sobbed, as I forced myself to let go of his hand. I commanded myself to stand, my knees wobbling and threatening to give out. I was so tired; I didn’t want to leave him, I wanted to curl up next to him and sleep. I just wanted to be protected, safe in his arms.
“I love you so much. Please hold on.” I said as I forced myself to leave the bedroom.
My head was still swimming, when I made the decision to
do something in my mind it took a moment for my body to react. I watched myself stumble my way to the kitchen; I was leaving blood on the white counters as I used them to steady myself as I made my way to the phone. I swayed and snatched it up, bringing it close to my face and trying to focus on the numbers, but the phone was dead. I tossed it away and it skittered across the counter. My head felt like it was floating, I lifted my hand to my forehead and tried to shake away the fog. Think. What I should do now? We didn’t bring our cell phones because there was no reception up here. I desperately made my way out of the house, holding onto the walls as I went, my shoulders bumping them and sending pain into my core, my mind growing more and more cloudy as I reached for the front door, and pulled on it. The sand bags were too heavy, so I opened the window beside the door, punched out the screen, and pulled myself free, splashing into the water below it.
I stood up as fast as my freezing body would allow and waded slowly through the water, searching for the mailbox which would indicate the road, and the way to help. I slipped a few times, searching for the mail box, but the rain was coming down in sheets, I could barely see in front of my face, my vision was blurred by the water running into my eyes. I had no idea which direction to go to find the truck, or anyone else for that matter. I screamed at the top of my lungs for help, my throat throbbing in pain. I screamed over and over again, out into the grayness, praying someone would hear me, but all that returned my calls was the roar of the rain and wind. I sobbed to myself, and brought my hand up to touch my face, which felt numb. The water was up to my knees, it was cold, but I didn’t feel anything. I wanted to go back to Aden, I turned to face the house, my mind made up, but I couldn’t see it. I took a few steps forward, wondering where the window was.
“Aden!” I cried. “Someone help us please!” I screamed, my shoulders shaking.
I pinched my lip between my thumb and forefinger. Nothing. I drew my hand away from my face and tried to focus my site on them in front of me as I felt for the porch steps, but my eyes strained and wavered. I couldn’t find the porch, I couldn’t find the mailbox. I couldn’t find Aden, I felt lost. All alone. I bowed my head as tears fell down my face, and looked down at the water pooling around my pale, shaking knees, I noticed the dark red that was surrounding me, it was wispy, and in the murky water it looked like dense smoke.
I gave up screaming and continued my pursuit to find the house, and Aden. My eyes began to slide shut, my vision began tunneling, and I felt my knees begin to buckle. I reached out with my hand to steady myself on something, but there was nothing there, and I fell forward, but before I was swallowed up by my unconsciousness, I saw headlights coming toward me, they swung around and lit up the mail box.
“It’s the wrong way.” I whispered in defeat.
***
I was laughing. Wind was whipping through my hair; Aden was driving the boat too fast, again. Christie and Alex were holding each other, laughing with me as he sped over the water, the sun beating down on our shoulders. I moved to Aden and rested my hand on his firm shoulder; his warm hand reached around my waist and held me close to his side. As we bumped along the water I heard a strange beeping. I looked behind our boat; there was a man on the shore, in a black coat and hat. Christie began to scream.
“Amber?” Someone called to me.
My head hurt, my eyes felt large and heavy, I tried to open them but I couldn’t.
“Amber?” The voice called again.
This time my eyes began to open, harsh fluorescent lights burned them; they were heavy, like they had steel anchors holding them to my cheeks.
“Amber can you hear me?” The man asked.
I nodded; there was the smell of rubber, and plastic, cool air blasting into my lungs, and an itchy strap around my ears.
“You’re going to be ok.” He said.
“Where is he?” I asked, my head rolling to the side, eyes searching the small space.
His rubber gloved hand was soft on my skin, as he felt my pulse, the rocking of the ambulance hurt, everything hurt. I gazed at his neck as he looked away from me, saying something to someone else that I couldn’t see; I focused on the tribal tattoo that barely came out of the collar of his EMT uniform and up his neck.
“Who?” He asked me.
My eyes slid shut, I forced them to open and seek out the strangers eyes, as I brought my hand to the cheek Aden had left sticky with blood, I felt that it was now washed clean from the rain.
“Aden.” I croaked before I slipped into darkness again.
***
I spent three days in the hospital before I learned that my love, Aden had lost his life that day at the beach house. Before I learned that my best friend Christie had been committed to a hospital for a nervous breakdown, before I learned that my friend Alex was in intensive care for blood loss. Three days before I learned that I had been stabbed in the back and nearly bled to death myself, I yearned for a do***over. I longed to travel back in time and curl up beside my beloved and never have gone out for help in the first place.
My Commanding Officer paid me a visit to my hospital bed on my fourth day, he had granted me some extra time to recuperate, and I learned that my request to leave the Navy early, had been disapproved.
“We know you’ve been through a lot Fireman Carlson. You showed incredible bravery, please take a week, and get yourself straight and healthy. Your LPO will be in touch.” He looked out of place in his dress blues, against the plainness of the hospital.
“Thank you Sir.” I said to him, grateful for the understanding.
“Get well soon Fireman, we’ve got a deployment coming up you’ll need to be ready for.”
“Yes Sir.”
When he left the room I hugged myself in my hospital bed, brought my knees to my chest and sobbed while envisioning Aden’s arms wrapped around me. I dragged my hand across my hip, imagining it was his touch, caressed my face, like he would have done, had he been there beside me. That night I dreamt of fire, and water. I dreamt of sand castles, crumbling into nothing like brown sugar. I saw Aden’s eyes, his deep soulful eyes as they smiled at me from a far off memory of summer. I felt his lips against my skin, tasted them on my mouth, I could smell him. I woke with a scream, drenched in sweat and a nurse rushed in to console me.
“He can’t be gone.” I whispered to her.
“I know sugar.” She said, she was soft, and warm, she looked older than my mother. She rocked me and stroked my hair, speaking gently to me about faith and love and understanding.
“I can’t live in this place without him.” I sobbed against her hysterically.
My parents came to visit me for the first time, the next morning. They chatted for a few minutes with me about what had been said and done with the police, who weren’t pursuing any further investigation, Christie’s father was dead, and they basically said good riddance.
“Have you spoken to Christie?” I asked my throat still a little sore from being strangled nearly to death.
“No, we thought you might want to do that.” My dad said.
I nodded. My mom made some off handed comment about errands to run and things to do, and they left. A forty five minute visit from my parents was more than I could ask for, as they seemed to never want to leave their home.
When I was released from the hospital, I went to Christie and my apartment which was beneath her grandmother’s house, gathered a few things, and loaded up my car to make the drive to visit Christie. As I loaded my sea bag into the back of my Toyota, Christie’s grandmother came out to speak to me. Her thick Scottish accent used to be hard for me to understand but over the years I’d grown used to it.
“Christie was never a child that could handle much stress. She always was over emotional. Over sensitive. But I never imagined she’d wind up in a hospital.” She shook her head sadly.
“It won’t be for long. This just threw her over the edge after… Erica.”
“Yes, I suppose you’re right. Poor girl.” She shook her head again.
“You be safe on that deployment.” She told me before turning and heading back to the house, her white hair blowing in the soft wind as she leaned on her cane.
Fairfax hospital was about a forty five minute drive from us, and as I drove I couldn’t get Aden’s face out of my mind. His smile, his beautiful eyes, they haunted my dreams, teased my heart into thinking it would beat again. I felt as if my life were over. Nothing really mattered anymore. I wasn’t afraid to stay in the Navy, and I welcomed the upcoming deployment, I decided that I would look into volunteering to go IA. I wanted to be on the ground. I wanted to be in the field, or as close to it as I could get.
The song Black Balloon came pouring out of the speakers of my car as I took the exit onto I-405 South. The lump formed in my throat before the lyrics even started, but I couldn’t bring myself to change the station. The words were perfect for what I was feeling. I go on, as you get colder. It sent chills to my core, dragged its icy fingers down my spine. Aden laying there on the floor, blood all over all those blankets, his beautiful blue eyes, staring at me with love, even in his last moments he saw me with love. I touched my cheek where his hand last rested.
“Oh God I’m so sorry I failed you baby. I’m so sorry.” I sobbed.
As I approached Fairfax I calmed myself down, no use going into a mental institution sobbing like a lunatic. When I walked through the first set of double doors, and they locked behind me, I felt an odd sensation creep around me. How scary to not be allowed to freely leave a place like this.
A nurse showed me into a small cozy sitting room, the earth tones and warm lighting made Christie look even more pale than usual as she sat curled into a corner of a small sofa, she held a napkin to her mouth, rubbing it softly along her bottom lip as she stared in front of her at a fake fireplace. It was one of those large picture framed images that move with lights that you see at the mall.
“Christie?” The nurse said softly.
Christie turned slowly to face us, when recognition registered on her face a sigh of relief escaped me. I wasn’t sure what state I would find her in. She stood and held her arms out to me as I came forward to embrace her. We both held one another for a moment, reliving our ordeal together, strengthening and comforting each other.