by Nicole Ryan
“I’m so sorry Amber.” She sobbed.
I shook my head no, my chin wavering as I looked into her brilliant green eyes.
“What will I do now?” I whispered. “How can I live without the other half of my soul?”
Christie shook her head and winced as her tears came again. I wanted to tell her more about Alex, but there was no new information to offer. We held hands for a couple moments in silence; Christie shed a couple tears silently.
“I couldn’t make myself get up.” She finally said, shaking her head in bewilderment.
“I tried to get up, to find Aden after you went outside. I could hear you screaming for help and I wanted to come to you, to help you. But I couldn’t stand… and Aden, he started to… he was calling for you.” She rasped, slowly her eyes connected with mine, full of pain and regret and fear. I had to cover my mouth with my hand to keep my own sobs at bay.
“He, oh God please forgive me. Amber, he was screaming for you.” Her eyes were brimming with tears; they swam around her green eyes. “He was screaming for you, and trying to stand. The screaming, it terrified me and broke my heart and I collapsed. I wanted to go to him, to stand and help him, but I couldn’t help him. I couldn’t tell him that you were ok.” She finally broke down. “I was the only one he didn’t hurt and I couldn’t make myself get up off the fucking floor and help him!” She screamed at me wildly, beating her fists against her thighs.
Tears were streaming down my face as I grabbed her hands and held them in mine. I could see it in my head; I could hear his voice calling to me because I heard it every night in my dreams. I watched his bloody hand grasp the large duvet cover to try and pull himself from the floor because I watched him do it every night in my dreams; my beautiful, strong Aden, not even able to pull himself from the ground.
“It’s not your fault.” I told her, shaking my head, my throat aching with unshed tears.
“It is! I could have helped him! I could have slowed the bleeding!” She shook uncontrollably and her breath was hitching with the intensity of her recollection.
I opened my mouth to try to speak again, to try to console her more but I couldn’t bring the words to the surface, and before I had a second longer to try, the nurse came in with a small syringe and gave Christie a shot in her arm. Just a few seconds after the shot Christie began to calm down. Her body stopped shaking, and her eyes lost the wild look in them. She settled back into her chair, and resumed sliding the Kleenex across her lips.
“Now it’s all over.” She said. “All gone. Forever.”
She squinted her eyes as if trying to remember something. “I can’t find it Erica, can you find it?” She asked as she turned her glassy eyes to me, looking through me.
I brought my hand to my mouth to try and hide my quivering chin. Did she think I was her lost twin sister, or was this the shot?
“Can’t find what sweetie?” I finally managed, placing my hand on her knee.
“I don’t remember. I keep looking for it. But I lost it, and I was supposed to keep it safe.” She cradled herself in her arms and closed her eyes, bringing her head to rest in my lap.
I took deep breaths to steady my emotions; I stared at the simulated fireplace for a long time before Christie’s breathing became regular. I slipped out from beneath her, and placed a pillow under her head, and tucked her in with the blanket that was across the back of the sofa. I left my email address to the ship I was being stationed on, and my mailing address, on her notepad that was on the coffee table in front of the sofa. When I left the warm sitting room I leaned against the wall beside the nurses’ station and closed my eyes. The smell of disinfectant was overwhelming; people were wandering around, in a larger gathering room to my left. I swallowed hard before straightening myself and opening my eyes, connecting with a nurse behind the glass. She offered a kind smile before turning back to her computer.
***
Before I knew it my week of recovery was over, and I found myself preparing for deployment. I was stocking up on personal items like tooth paste and deodorant, razors and uniform items. I had dinner with my parents at my favorite restaurant the evening I had to check in to the ship. They dropped me off at my car, said a quick goodbye, and I was making the long walk to my new duty station, aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln. I welcomed the change, I needed change, I needed to get away from this place and the memories of Aden. I skipped his funeral; I couldn’t bring myself to see him cold and lifeless in a coffin. I would keep him forever in my heart, warm and loving and strong, I would hold him there forever, so I would never be far from him.
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Copyright
Castles Burning Part One