I remembered rage the moment Pops told me about Weston’s secret activities. That Weston had been behind all the attacks and the reason Dakota had been beaten to near death. I remembered Weston barging into the cabin and shooting Pops right in front of me without warning. I remembered the gun pointed to my head and Weston demanding I kneel otherwise he'd shoot me and go after Dakota. I remembered anger filling every single cell in my body.
I remembered Dakota coming in. I remembered–with clarity–knowing suddenly, without a shadow of doubt that I was going to lose her, too. I remembered being terrified and, also clearly, what she'd said to me: 'I love you. Always remember that'.
Fire Birds was my life. It was my life. I hadn’t realised until now that when Dakota walked into my garage, into my life, she would be my life. Breaking away from gang life, from the brothers I grew up with was not an easy thing. It'd be like ripping my own arm off. I needed them… I thought I needed them.
When you’ve had something for so long, when your born into something, you can’t ever imagine choosing to leave it behind.
But I had found someone, something else. Something more beautiful, more strong to hold onto: Love.
She had been truly spirited despite the heavy burden she carried. Time and time again, she had shown me how fierce of a soul she truly was. She had the old Fire Birds spirit that I respected before it was tainted with corruption and greed. Dakota had taught me about adversity through the darker times. The gang only taught me about dark times.
She never controlled me. The gang was my family but they did control me. She allowed me to be free when I was around her.
But I foolishly had chosen the gang over her and I had lost her because of that selfish need. Because I was weak… Because I… Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Iwas wrong…
I had given everything to the gang, and the gang had taken it all and demanded more. I had spent two gruelling years of my life in prison for them. Tina. My daughter. Pops. And now Dakota. Beautiful, brilliant, badass Dakota, who had asked nothing of me but what I freely offered, who had given me all of herself in every way I needed, and who had loved me completely and unconditionally.
My fiancée. My love. My peace.
I curled my fists and silently screamed. Then, I sat back. In the midst of the chaotic agony in my mind and heart, I'd found a pinpoint of clarity.
I had only one thing left to give to the Fire Birds.
I knew what I had to do. I phoned Dixon immediately and asked him to meet me at a private location out in the desert. On my way there, it became more and more clear what I had to do. After I’d finished talking to Dixon, I made my way to Dakota’s house–our house. I entered before taking a long, deep breath.
I walked from room to room, searching. Blissful memories of our time together came flooding through my mind. Tears stung at my eyes.
I couldn’t find what I was looking for. I tried the garden. Nothing. My stomach sunk in and I felt nauseous. As I walked back into the house, I turned the corner from the kitchen and realised there was one room I hadn’t tried yet.
Joshua’s room.
I’d never been inside. I wanted to go in there with Dakota, to get her to open up to me about Joshua. I wanted her to come to me first. But I never got the time.
I placed my hand on the handle. It felt cold and untouched. I took a deep breath and wished like never before that I’d find what I was looking for.
And, it was.
The room was filled in darkness but I could see enough to know she was there. She was on the floor, curled into a ball, a blue blanket with cars and trains and planes printed on it clutched in her arms. I'd sat down on the floor next to her, watching her sleep. I'd sat there for almost an hour before she woke. While she slept, I reflected on what Dakota did for me.
When she entered into the cabin that night, my whole life entered with her. I hated myself for not being able to stand up and protect her. I hated myself for not beating the shit out of Weston for killing Pops and threatening Dakota.
I had never suffered so much torment than I did in that moment Dakota stepped in front of the gun and me. She had chosen my life over hers. She protected me, when it should have been me protecting her. Thinking back now, I had been so angry with her in that split second she stepped in front of me. But thinking back now, it made me love her more.
It happened so quickly, the next thing I saw was Dakota holding the gun and shooting Weston. He fell to the floor immediately. There was a large, bloody mess of a hole where his chest used to be.
I looked up at Dakota, her eyes were wide and bloodshot. She was breathing so hard and fast it seemed she was having a heart attack. I had gotten up and slowly walked towards her. I asked her to give me the gun but she had held it so tight and refused to let go as if she was still in danger. After a minute or two, she eased her grip and I was able to take the gun from her, disarm it and lay it down on the floor.
I gently placed a hand on her face. I could see the roiling fires of pain and rage in her eyes. I saw tears sliding down her face. "Oh, Dakota. Baby. Everything's gonna be okay. I’m here, baby."
She started to shake. I tried to take her into my arms, but she resisted me. She pushed me back and walked towards the fireplace. She stared at the fire for a long moment.
I walked up behind Dakota and wrapped my arms around her, laying my cheek against her back. She bent her head. “I'm so sorry," I whispered.
She turned around in my arms, and now her face was ravaged with grief. "Jake..."
I pulled her head to my shoulder and wrapped my arms around her again. She was rigid in my embrace for a few seconds, and then I felt her arms around my waist, and she relaxed into me, sobbing. "Jake… I... I thought I was going to lose you… Pops…" Her legs folded, and we both sat hard on the floor, still tightly wound together.
Dakota said nothing. I held her. I stroked her hair. I kissed her head, her cheeks, and her lips. Our tears mingled together in our kiss. I held her so tight my ribs hurt from where Weston had beaten me. I didn't complain. I gave Dakota what she needed.
I didn't know what to do to keep her connected to what we had, how to help her use our love to find some sliver of peace in this darkest of hours. So I stayed there, with her, the weight of our sadness heavy on both of us.
We sat like that for a long time, on the floor of the cabin, the fireplace burning out, as the light faded from the room. Dakota’s sobs ebbed, and eventually she was completely still in my arms. I never wanted to let her go.
I had nearly lost her. I had nearly watched her die by the very hands of my own family. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. But I did know Dakota was now in danger. And I knew she would have to flee the city and start a new life away from the gang, away from the cartel.
We watched the fire dance, not talking, not sleeping, not appearing to breathe as the flames sank from red to orange to yellow to black.
I eventually called Dixon, telling him to come to the cabin. Alone. Dixon had said what I already knew. Dakota wasn’t safe anymore. If anyone found out she’d killed the leader of the Fire Birds–who still had plenty of members loyal to his cause–they would come after her to exact their revenge and would not stop until she was dead.
We also didn’t know how deep Weston’s connection was in the Drago Cartel... I was not going to take that risk with her.
But there came the problem.
I had to decide between the gang and Dakota. I had told her I didn’t know if I could leave them. They were my family. I couldn’t leave my loyal brothers behind or leave Dixon to fix this shit up by himself.
She had been so upset with me, and rightfully so. The look she gave me cut me to the core. I escorted her car back to her place, riding behind her. Once we reached her house, she didn’t say a single word before she entered the house and slammed the door in my face.
I had dragged her into my life of violence and crime. She had nearly died several times because of my gang life but she had stayed with me. I had nearly h
urt her and scared her, but she had stayed with me. She had risked her life to save my own. And what did I do to repay her? I had left her all alone. I had left her to leave her home–the home she had built with Joshua and Jon and where all her memories of them were stored. I had left her to leave… alone. Fuck, I’d been a bastard to her.
While I'd been trying to piece together what had happened, she'd sat up, still clutching the blanket like a talisman. I wasn't sure why, it was an impulse, but I'd reached out to touch it, taking the satin-trimmed edge between my fingers. She'd yanked it back from me. I'd hated the look on her face. Sadness. Disappointment.
I deserved that. I'd done wrong to her. I had chosen the gang over her. But, Christ, I hated her distance. I was losing her.
When I'd asked her to come talk with me in the garden, she'd taken a long time to answer, and in that empty space I felt the pieces of my life pulling apart. But then she'd said she would.
I stood and reached out my hand. She stood without taking it. She folded the little blanket and laid it in the crib. She walked out. I followed, closing Joshua's door behind me.
She sat in one of the single chairs instead of the bench, so I couldn't sit next to her. She sat there, her legs folded under her, her head down. I stood next to the chair, not sure what to do. Finally, I sat on the ground in front of her. I put my hands on her knees, inches from her hands, which were lying slack in her lap. "Dakota. Please talk to me."
She took a deep breath and looked up. "I need a minute, Jake. I have to get my own head straight before I can help you with yours."
"I really hurt you, didn't I?"
She looked me in the eye and nodded. "Yeah. You really did."
I could not have hated myself more than I did right then. "I'm so sorry. I don't know why I didn’t choose you."
"You want to push me away."
"No! I don't! I need you, Dakota. But the Fire Birds are my family. They are my life. They are all I’ve ever known. Please, babe. Understand.”
She sighed and took my hands in hers. With that small, comforting gesture, I relaxed a little. Looking down at our joined hands, she said, "Look, Jake. I know how bad you feel right now. I know how awful it is to lose someone you love… and to maddening circumstances.” Dakota paused.
“Pops… He was like a father to me as well… I understand that you're not thinking straight, and that you're sad and angry. And I feel terrible for having to say this right now, because I know your head is full and loud enough already what with the shit that’s going on with the club. I try to be strong for you and give you what you need when your life gets to be too much. But I don't think I'm strong enough to do this alone. I love you, and I understand how dark and fucked up your life is, but… I can’t do this anymore. It’s–”
I felt the jagged pieces breaking free, and the noise in my head was becoming unbearable. Was it too late? Had I lost her? "–Dakota, I want you. I can'tlose you. But it’s not easy leaving the gang. They need me. Dixon needs me…I was born into this life. They’re my family, my friends, my identity, my very life.”This was harder than I imagined. Saying it out loud was tearing me apart.
Her eyes were a mix of confusion, hope and pain. “Jake, just leave… go be–”
“–Let me finish, please, Dakota. I’m trying to tell you why it’s hard to make this decision. It’s important you understand. To leave the gang now when the they need me the most is unbearable–”
“–I understand that, I do but–”
“–Dakota, please, let me finish.” Dakota looked worried, but nodded to my request. “I met with Dixon this morning. He and Tiffany are not leaving Shadowbeach. We’ve burned Weston’s body and no one will ever know what happened to him. Dixon is vice so he’ll take up as leader straight away. He’s gonna try and get the gang back to what it once was. We should have done that a long time ago. We should have listened to Pops and I will never forgive myself for his death…”
I'd been holding my emotions in check all this time, but I couldn't anymore. My voice wavered, and then broke. Tears quickly followed. Dakota took my hand and her simple touch gave me the strength to continue. “When I woke up this morning, I realised I had one thing left to give to the Fire Birds. I handed Dixon my Fire Birds jacket.”
“You did what?”
“Dakota, I love you. And if being with you means I need to leave the gang, then so be it. You are my family, my friend, my identity, my life all rolled into one beautiful, gorgeous and oh my sweet Jesus, fucking sexy woman.” I drew out a much-needed breath. My hands were trembling.
Dakota remained silent for a short while. She wiped away the tears that were streaming down her cheeks. “Don’t say that if you don’t mean it, Jake. I swear, don’t...” She let go of my hand and lightly hit me on the shoulders several times with both her hands.
“I love you so god damn much it scares the fuck out of me. You need me now more than ever. It’s my fault you have to leave your home… the home you shared with Joshua and Jon. My fault you’re leaving a job you adore, my fault you–”
Dakota grabbed me by the neck and kissed me so hard against my lips. Every shard of pain, anguish, and love poured into that one kiss. She pulled back and looked straight into my eyes. “It’s your fault I fell deeply and so insanely in love with you, Jake. That’s the only guilt I accept from you.”
I smiled at her. She always managed with ease to make me feel better. “I belong with you. You, and no one else. I love my brothers as I told Dixon this morning. But he understood that you’re my family now and that you have to come first. Dixon was born to lead Fire Birds for a reason. He’s one tough son of a bitch. I know he’s gonna do right by them. It’s what Pops wanted…”
"If we’re gonna do this together, Jake, then we have to get off this freak-show carousel, going round and round past the same problems. We have to promise to fucking talk to each other, and not just when things get bad between us. We need to trust each other enough to ask for help when we're hurting. We have to promise not to bury our shit somewhere it can rise up and kick our asses."
She took a breath and looked me in the eye again. "We used to say we were talking about the important stuff. Well, we weren't. We connected so fast and fell so hard for each other that it's like we somehow decided that there wasn't anything important to talk about. We have to fix that."
For a brief moment, I was almost happy, despite everything, when I understood that I hadn't chased her away. I knew I didn't deserve her patience, but I was damn glad to have it. I dropped my head for a minute to collect myself. When I looked back up, I said, "You're right, babe. And I promise. I'll need some help to break the habit–and I think you will, too–but I promise. I'd like to start now."
I came up on my knees and leaned in, taking her face in my hands. "I love you." She gave me a small smile, and I pressed my lips to hers. Then I stood and held out my hand. She took it, and I led her to sit on the bench-swing with me.
I talked. I talked about Pops's life and what it was like to have been raised by him. I talked about my mom leaving. I talked about my history with the gang in detail and depth I'd never before shared. I talked about how I'd idolized the gang when I was a kid, and how I'd loved and looked up to Weston.
I talked about my friendship with Dixon, growing up together in the gang, being friends from early childhood, and really bonding for life when we restored Dixon's old man’s bike together. I talked about getting patched in together. I talked until I was hoarse and my jaw was sore, and Dakota listened.
I stopped talking for several long moments as I tried to rein in my careening emotions. Dakota, patient as ever, let the silence be. She just held on to my hand and waited until I was ready to go on. I squeezed her hand and imagined I could actually feel her transferring some of her strength to me through her touch.
"Christ, Dakota. I'm seeing now that the lies and schemes and greed have been going on for years. Tina, who had almost nothing to do with any part of gang life and just wanted a fucking n
ormal life for our daughter... but gang life took her away. She didn’t deserve to die…”
Again I had to stop, and when I spoke again, I could only whimper, looking down at my lap. "Dakota, I don't know how to be anything but a Fire Bird. The gang is all I know. It's all I ever wanted to know. I don't even know if I could stand upright without my jacket on my back. But, you’re mine. And I’m yours. For eternity. Where you go, I go."
She grabbed my chin and pulled my head up so I would meet her eyes. "Jake, you are strong and brave. You are good-hearted and true. I know you can find the strength. I'm here to give you whatever help you want from me. I know you can find a path to a good life without it. We can do it together. We can go anywhere we want for a fresh start. And Ellie will be a huge part of that life. We’ll work something out."
"But, Dakota, your job, this house, your garden, your life here… I’m so sorry."
"I love my job. I love this house. I love my garden. It's true. It will be painful to leave, I won't deny that. But there are other jobs. I have the luxury of taking my time to find the right one. There are other houses. I can plant a garden anywhere. Those things can be replaced. You can't."
I put my hands around her face and just looked at her. Jesus, was there any end to what she was willing to do for me? With her love to lean on, I felt like I really could do anything.
I leaned in and kissed her deeply. She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me close. I laid my head on her shoulder and relaxed into her embrace. I whispered, "Thank you, babe. For loving me. Dealing with my shit. Helping me. I don't know what I'd do without you. Thank you for… saving me."
She kissed my cheek. "You saved me."
After several quiet minutes, I sat back. "Can I ask you to tell me about Jon and Joshua? You've never really told me much about them at all. I mean, I only know Jon's last name was Holmes because it's on the title for the shovelhead. "If it's all too raw after what happened the other night..."
She looked uncomfortable and reluctant at first, but I didn't retract the request. We'd made a promise. I waited for her answer.
Beauty and the Bad Boy Page 25