by Liz Maccie
Standing somewhat downwind of him, I could faintly smell his deodorant or his fabric softener, body soap, shampoo, conditioner…I wasn’t really sure what I was inhaling, but whatever it was, it was delicious. It reminded me of grass and vanilla ice cream.
Thaddeus opened the back door to the auditorium and peered inside. “Coast is clear.”
He moved to an aisle seat and plopped down, dropping his backpack on the ground. I was still standing by the doorway.
“Do you want to sit or stand?”
“Sit,” I said, sounding like a complete and total idiot.
He patted the seat next to him. “This one looks empty.”
My heart was beating so fast I could hear it pounding in my head. I felt his knee rub against the outside of my thigh as I slid past him. It made me tingle. I couldn’t help but have a flashback to earlier, when I had fallen on him. The mere memory sent a shiver of embarrassment through my spine. Thankfully I sat down without any major mishaps. I anxiously tapped my foot and looked straight ahead at the empty stage. There was a half-deflated purple balloon on the ground, left behind from morning meeting.
Thaddeus put his feet up on the seat in front of him. He leaned over, pressing against my right shoulder and recuffed his pant leg. I could feel this immense amount of heat coming from our touching shoulders. He finished the cuff and leaned back.
“How do you like this place so far?” he asked. “Must be weird coming from another school and all.”
I tried to answer, but my mouth was so dry I couldn’t get any words out. I swallowed hard and decided shrugging would be an adequate enough answer.
He leaned over toward his bag and grabbed a piece of peppermint Trident, popped it in his mouth, and offered me one. I took the gum, hoping to restore some moisture to my mouth. It worked as I smoothed out the empty wrapper on my thigh.
“I hate it here. But I don’t really have a choice,” he said.
This sent a wave of relief through my body. Maybe he had an overbearing mother, too, who was forcing him to abandon anything and everything that made him happy. “Yeah, I know what you mean,” I said. “About not having a choice.”
We sat there, blowing tiny peppermint Trident bubbles together, staring at the empty stage.
“Where are you from?” he finally asked.
“Oh, umm, West Orange. I went to West Orange High last year and, well, my parents didn’t think I was making the most out of my educational experience.”
This actually made him smile. “What’d you do wrong? Drugs, drinking, sex?”
“Oh God, no, I mean yes, but no.”
Thaddeus smirked. “All three?”
I felt painfully shy, like I might just break open right there in front of him. “Drinking, I guess. A little. But more not caring.”
“What didn’t you care about?”
I actually had to think about this. No one had asked me before what exactly it was that I didn’t care about.
“Tick-tock, tick-tock…what’s you’re answer?” he pressed.
“Me, I guess.” And this made me feel sad. “I didn’t care about me.”
Thaddeus rubbed his jaw and stared at me like the counselor who I was forced to see after I gave that girl a bloody nose last year. It made me uncomfortable, so I looked away. “Where are you from?”
“Originally Portland, Oregon, but now I live in Livingston,” he said.
“Why did you move?” It was my turn to interrogate him.
“It’s kind of a long story.” He picked the gum out of his mouth and stretched it between his fingers. “My Dad, he had some problems and now he lives in Florida. I’m staying with my aunt in her apartment.”
“What about your mom?”
“She’s back in Portland. I see her on holidays and stuff.” Thaddeus threw the gum back in his mouth.
“Does that suck?”
He shrugged. “A lot of things suck.”
“Do you have brothers or sisters?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation going.
Thaddeus used his legs to push the seat in front of him a few times. “Can we talk about something else?”
I looked straight ahead again. I felt so stupid for pushing the “family” talk. Desperately I tried think of some other topic to change the subject, but my mind kept drawing a blank. Then I remembered what Officer Tim had told me earlier: You have to want to bring something to the table…like elevating conversation about the current political situation. I couldn’t believe what I was about to do, but nothing else was coming to mind. God, forgive me.
“What do you think about the current political situation?” I asked.
Thaddeus was silent for a moment and then he said, “Do you ever feel like breaking shit? I mean in a big way, not in some I-just-don’t-care kind of way, but in a way that could seriously do damage to something?”
“Ummm—”
“Some people, like people at this school, they really bother me. You know what I mean?”
“I think I do.”
“There’s this girl in our grade, her name is Sarah, and I’m looking at her today in English, at her makeup and her long brown hair, and I just want to scream because she looks so goddamn perfect, she’s like flawless.”
“I actually missed English, so…”
“But she’s not—she’s just fake. You know? We went to school together all last year, an entire year of seeing someone and she still, she would never say hi to me. She’s just fake.” Thaddeus turned toward me. “Can I kiss you?”
“What?”
“Can I just…” He leaned in, pulled my face toward his, and abruptly parted my lips with his tongue.
It felt soft, warm, and pepperminty as it entered my mouth. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Was this actually happening? I kept flicking my eyes open to make sure it was real. I had never kissed anyone before. This was my first, official, real kiss.
Thaddeus’s gum crashed into my gum a few times. I was so scared that I was doing it all wrong. I tried to keep swishing and swirling my tongue around his entire mouth, hoping it felt good to him. He used his teeth and bit onto my bottom lip; it sort of hurt, but I didn’t mind. He finally pulled away from me, leaving some of his saliva on my chin. It was nice, I guess.
“You’re different, Roberta, I can tell. You’re different and so am I.”
I discreetly tried to wipe my mouth on my sleeve. “I…I…”
“It’s okay,” he said. “I get it.”
And for some reason that I cannot explain, I felt like I was being seen, really being seen by somebody else. It was the way he was looking at me, and it was the way he said “I get it.” I didn’t feel judged or not good enough or not special enough. It just felt safe to be…me.
I looked back into his eyes. His beautiful deep green eyes. And what I saw or what I thought I saw was sadness. His eyes reminded me of something that had been broken and glued back together.
“Are you sad?” I asked.
Thaddeus seemed surprised by my question. “Who isn’t?”
And in that moment, I felt absolutely terrible about lying to him. I had to set the record straight and tell him the truth.
“I have to tell you something,” I blurted out. Emotion swelled in my throat. “I lied to you earlier. About the Yankees? I don’t have Yankees box seats or tickets…I mean, I don’t have tickets to anything; at best, I go to the movies every now and then, but I’m not…I mean, my family…we don’t have any kind of money.”
Thaddeus pulled back from me and studied my face. Then he said something that shocked me. “I don’t have tickets, either.”
“You don’t?”
He shook his head. “Nope. The truth is my dad works in a factory and my mom is a receptionist. We don’t have any money, either.”
I could feel my forehead practically rise to the ceiling in astonishment. “But why did you lie?”
“Why did you lie?”
“Good point.” I could feel myself blushing.
“Roberta, I lied because I like you and I wanted you to like me, too.”
I leaned back in my seat, completely and utterly bewildered. “Wait a second.” I looked back over at him. “Did you just say you liked me? Do you mean like me?”
Thaddeus ran his hand through his hair. I noticed the blue circle he had stained into his palm earlier during English. “Yeah,” he said. “I do.”
I perched up on my seat like I had just been plugged into an electrical socket. “Because I like you, too, and not because you just said you liked me but because I’ve liked you ever since I fell on you this morning…that didn’t make any sense…what I meant was that I do. Like you. I do.” I paused to take a breath. “I’m sorry. When I get nervous, I kind of ramble.”
He leaned in and kissed me again. This time, it didn’t feel so awkward. And I kept my eyes closed because I knew that it was real. He moved his hand to the back of my neck and looked at me. “Can I tell you something? Because I really need to tell somebody this, and I really need somebody to hear it. Does that make sense?”
I nodded. It did make sense.
“Even if it’s weird?”
I nodded again.
He waited a few seconds before saying, “I was at a restaurant last night, and my aunt was drinking this glass of wine, and I watched this tiny fly, like the tiniest fly I’ve ever seen…and it landed on the rim of the glass and made its way down to the wine. And then it drowned. It didn’t even struggle; it just got to where it was going and it died. And I can’t stop thinking that even the good things, even the things we really want, will always be difficult.”
Thaddeus used his hand to tuck his bangs back behind his ears. And as he did, the sleeve of his shirt slipped down a little, revealing something disturbing. There were deep, red, angry scars that looked like cigarette burns clustered along the inside of his arm. He quickly pulled his sleeve back down to cover them up. A shame seemed to wash over him that I had seen a secret he had obviously been trying to hide from the rest of the world.
I was speechless at what I saw. We sat for a moment in silence.
Finally I said, “Thaddeus?”
“What?” He sounded so sad.
“I’m sorry that somebody hurts you like that.”
Thaddeus’s face filled with all the emotion that each of those scars represented. He looked away from me. I wanted to say something else. I wanted to tell him he didn’t deserve to be hurt like that. That no one deserves to be hurt like that. Not ever. But I couldn’t find the right words, so I didn’t say anything.
And the last bell of the day rang.
The Place Between Your Heart and Your Stomach
2:48 p.m.
That was it; the day was over.
I could hear kids’ chatter, and laughter fill the hallways outside. At the sound of this noise, it was like something snapped in Thaddeus. He abruptly grabbed his backpack and headed for the door. I couldn’t understand what was happening. Before leaving, he stopped and turned back around.
“You don’t know me, and you have no idea what my life is like, okay?”
“I never said I did.”
“Just forget this, all of this.” He was getting angrier with each word.
“Thaddeus, I’m sorry if I—”
“I don’t like you.”
My heart fell into my stomach.
“You’re just some kind of freak, and I was messing with you because I thought I could feel your tits, okay? So do me a favor and leave me alone.”
I felt like I had been punched.
“And if you spread any rumors about me, if you tell anyone about this,” he pointed to his arm. “I swear to God, I’ll ruin your life here; I’ll make you miserable.”
My throat was collapsing with hurt. I was trying desperately not to cry, but one tear managed to force its way out of the corner of my eye, and I couldn’t control what followed.
“Great,” he said. “Now you’re crying. Find someone who cares.”
He turned and walked out, leaving me alone in the empty auditorium. What had I done wrong? I couldn’t even begin to understand what had just happened. My gasps turned into heavy sobs, which turned into hysterics. My eyes were burning and my nose was running. I felt a type of pain that I can honestly say I had never felt before. The place between my heart and my stomach felt like it was on fire. My anger, hurt, and pain from the entire day poured out of me. There was no turning back.
“Roberta?”
I hadn’t even heard anyone come in. It was Mervin.
“Roberta, are you okay?” He came over and sat down next to me, negotiating the bulk of his green backpack.
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. I could barely breathe. I was in complete and total shock. I went to rub my face with my sleeve, but it was already drowning in snot.
“Here, use this.” He handed me his multicolored magician’s scarf.
And for some reason, that made me laugh. “I can’t use your magician’s scarf,” I said between sniffs. “It’s your special scarf. I can’t snot it all up.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ve got thousands.” He shoved the scarf in my face. Since I didn’t have any other options, I took it and let out a big blow.
“Thanks,” I said.
Mervin took a deep breath and seemed to steady himself. With all the genuineness that could exist in someone’s heart, he asked, “Are you upset because of the stuff that happens in your…vagina; you know, the monthly, womanly period thing?”
Poor Mervin. He looked like, by just saying the word vagina, he might possibly disintegrate. I gave him an I don’t think so kind of look.
“Okay, okay! I don’t want to know about the inner workings of your vagina, but I do care!”
Thaddeus’s words came rushing back to me: find someone who cares. And there he was, sitting right next to me. All five foot two inches, braces, acne, brown-rimmed coke-bottle glasses, turquoise blue sweater with black leather elbow patches, backpack bigger than he was. There was Mervin, someone who cared.
“It’s not about my vagina—”
“Okay. Good.”
I took one more blow, just to make sure I was all cleared out. I folded the scarf into a little square and put it in my pocket. “I promise I’ll get it dry-cleaned.” I let out a pathetic whimper.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?” he asked.
I thought about it and started to cry again. “No.”
Mervin rubbed my shoulder. “It must be pretty bad, huh?”
We sat for a moment longer without saying anything.
Finally Mervin stopped rubbing my shoulder and adjusted his glasses. “I’m not overtly trying to be selfish here, but does this mean you don’t want to go rafting anymore?”
I smiled wryly. “You think I want to miss my opportunity to travel the high seas?”
My sarcasm made us both laugh.
“Thank God, because I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Annie can be a little extreme,” he said.
“Oh, trust me, I’ve noticed.”
Mervin stood up and offered his hand. “I don’t want to be stuck alone with her on an inflatable raft. It just doesn’t sound safe.” I grabbed on to him, and he yanked me to standing. We headed toward the door. “Hey, Roberta…”
“Yeah?”
“I find when someone makes you feel bad, they’re often the a-hole, not you. Thaddeus hasn’t earned the right to make you cry. That’s reserved for family and really good friends. And besides, he’s kind of dirty.”
I stopped walking and looked at him. “How did you know this was about him?”
“I’ve seen you look at him today. I mean, come on, I have to live vicariously through someone. And I also saw him leave the auditorium.” He threw his slight arm over my shoulder. “Never, ever trust anyone who appears to have personal hygiene on the bottom of their priority list.”
I put my arm around him as well. “I’ll remember that. Thanks, Mervin. Thanks for caring.”
Peer Pressu
re
3:02 p.m.
As Mervin and I walked out of the auditorium, we ran into an extremely agitated Annie.
“I’ve been looking for you guys everywhere! Did we or did we not say meet at our lockers immediately after the last bell?” Annie looked at me, scrutinizing my face. “Why are your eyes all red and puffy? Have you been crying?”
Mervin quickly answered. “No, allergy attack. That nasty pollen is just vicious this time of year.”
“You should really take something for that, Roberta. The red, puffy eye thing is not a good look for you,” Annie said.
“Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.”
Annie took out a crumpled piece of paper from her pocket. “Okay, now on to more important things. Let’s go over the shopping list.”
Kids were meandering about with a lot less intensity now that the school day was over. Two girls dressed in Meadowbrook cheerleading outfits shared an orange as they walked past us.
Annie smoothed the paper over the palm of her hand while Mervin and I leaned in to read it. It said:
Things We Need
Raft (with oars)
Air pump
Pretzels
Hydration
Annie pointed to the list. “Is there anything else you think we might need?”
I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”
“Awesome,” Annie said as she folded the paper back up.
“Are you sure this is going to work? I mean, won’t the other kids in detention tell on me?” To be honest, the numb of what had just happened with Thaddeus was starting to thaw, and I wasn’t really feeling into the big reservoir adventure anymore.
“I seriously doubt anybody else got detention on the first day—”
“That’s not true,” Mervin said, tugging on his backpack straps. “Your brother did.”
“Oh shit, that’s right, he’ll be there,” I said, nervous that I would have to see him again.
Annie threw her hand up. “Hold on, hold on. Today are tryouts for the second-string varsity. There is no way in hell that he’ll be in detention. This school operates on the hierarchy that sports are at the top of the food chain. Mr. Murphy is a fanatic when it comes to football…ten bucks ass-face won’t be there.”