The Fugitive's Secret Child

by Geri Krotow

  She nipped his throat, licked where her teeth marks were. “Your turn, Rob. Let go.”

  He stiffened for an infinitely long moment before he reached his climax, his guttural shout making the instant that much more primal. But Trina had no time to think about it as she came again, her sensitized body at his mercy. Their bodies were slick with sweat as Rob eased away and rested on his heels, his eyes on her. She stared back, unable to speak just yet. Slowly her thoughts floated back to her, until she realized she was lying completely naked in a public campground. A private part of the campground, but still. She sat up. A flash of light on the ground caught her eye—her camel necklace. She moved to retrieve it, but Rob beat her to it, held the chain in his fingers, the charm dangling in the early-evening air.

  “You still wear this.”

  “It’s an old habit.” She went to take it, and he held it just out of reach.

  “We broke the chain.” He gave it to her.

  Trina accepted the necklace in her outstretched palm. The familiar weight of the camel stirred emotions she didn’t want to address. Sadness. Nostalgia. Finality.

  “It’s the charm that matters. Your poor ribs.” Her fingers lightly touched his rib cage, not wanting to cause him further pain.

  “They’ll survive. Are you all right?”

  “Are you kidding me? Is my hair standing straight up? Because it feels like it should be. You gave me three incredible orgasms!”

  “Trina.” He kissed her firmly on the lips before he stood up and unselfconsciously walked to the back of the Jeep, where he leaned as he put on his shirt.

  “Let me help you.”

  “I’ve got it.” She ignored him and helped him get into his briefs and pants.

  “Bruised and cracked ribs are awful. I’ve been there. I always thought getting dressed and undressed were the most difficult parts.” She blushed, and Rob didn’t miss it.

  “I always loved how you would get all modest after being a complete animal in bed.”

  She looked up into his eyes and searched for what she knew would be there. Their connection. Familiarity. It wasn’t familiar as much as a sense of being right. Which was fair, as they were both different people, no matter what their names were.

  “What deep thoughts are you wrestling with, Trina?”

  She moved away from him and started to get dressed. The frogs were chirping and the cicadas thrumming as late afternoon turned to dusk.

  “It’s as if we’ve always been together, but at the same time, incredibly new. I mean, we made l—had sex, you know, like we know each other. But it was different than before.” She shrugged into her T-shirt, hating putting dirty clothes back on, but her shower was waiting in Silver Valley. “Let’s face it. I don’t know you anymore, Rob. Your name has changed, and so have you.”

  His head tilted as he listened. “That’s fair. You’ve changed, too, Trina.”

  “Not really. I’m older—I’m a mother. But I feel the same as I always have.”

  “You’re not, babe. You’re a woman who knows what she wants, and you’re not afraid to go for it. You always had that quality, of course, or you wouldn’t have made it in naval aviation. But you’re tougher, more certain of yourself.”

  His words struck a raw nerve, and she decided on the spot to wait until she was alone to process why. The sad truth that had started to sing its mournful tune from the minute she’d accepted he was still alive was growing into a full aria. She and the man she’d known were done. Rob might find a relationship with his son, and she sincerely hoped he did.

  Rob and she, however, didn’t have a future together. They’d both moved on.

  * * *

  Rob was grateful that Trina disappeared into the woods to either find public facilities or use the forest as her restroom. He needed a little time to get his head screwed back on straight. It had been sweet of her to help him dress but he didn’t want Trina’s help. He wanted Trina.

  And here was his problem, not much different from where he’d found himself over three years ago. Wanting a woman who was out of reach. They still shared phenomenal chemistry, and they worked well together in the field. That hadn’t changed. In fact, he was certain what they’d just shared was only a taste of what they’d find if they explored being together.

  But it wouldn’t work. Trina had made it clear they’d both changed. He sure had, and while she looked and spoke like the younger Trina he’d known during the war, Trina had completely evolved into the powerful woman he’d caught glimpses of in the cockpit as she’d flown her plane. She no longer trusted so readily and was a ferocious advocate for her child. Their son.

  Like the fully realized, powerful woman she was, Trina deserved a life partner who’d be there for her through thick and thin. Rob had a job to do as an undercover agent. It was his calling as much as being a SEAL or CIA operative had been. And it was another job that didn’t mesh with family life. Not the kind that Trina needed or was entitled to.

  He still wanted to meet Jake and he prayed they’d forge a bond, that he’d develop a solid relationship with his son. But for his heart’s sake and Trina’s best interests, he had to keep it at that. He and Trina weren’t meant to be more than parents together.

  Trina’s soft steps sounded and he saw her emerge from the trees, her hair still tousled, her cheeks flushed. A new ache settled, this one under his ribs. She was off limits.

  * * *

  “Talk about drive-through servicing.” Trina thought her quip as they left the campground was pretty funny. According to her phone they’d only been “camping” for fifty-three minutes.

  Rob cast her a quick glance as he looked to the right and left for other cars on the road. Turning left, he shook his head. “Wow. You have changed, Trina. You never would have joked about sex like this before.”

  “Yeah, I was more uptight then, I grant you that. We’ve both changed. This was our way of saying goodbye to the past, don’t you think?”

  She watched his profile as he drove. Definitely more relaxed than when they’d left the ROC compound, but she also detected a note of resignation in his demeanor.

  “Maybe. Probably.” He passed a trailer hauling horses, going up the last major hill before the road flattened out as they neared the Susquehanna Valley.

  “Don’t forget we have to stop back at the kennel.”

  “I haven’t. You said you named the dog Renegade?”

  “It seemed natural. He fit in with us incredibly well for such a tiny guy. This is the turnoff, right?” She nodded at a green exit sign.

  “Yes. Then a right turn at the end of the ramp.”

  Thirty minutes later Renegade was snuggled in her lap as they sped back to Silver Valley. “He smells a lot better after a bath.” She stroked his soft puppy fur.

  “Any idea how big he’ll get?”

  “No. That’s okay, isn’t it, buddy?” She held up his face to hers. The puppy licked her, and she set him back down. “My son—I mean, Jake—is going to be thrilled. I know I should take Renegade to the vet first, to make sure he doesn’t have any health issues, but I’m going to throw caution to the wind.”

  Nervous energy made her skin feel transparent, as if the wind that blew through their cracked windows was streaming into her center. “Rob, we need to figure out how to handle Jake.”

  “Handle him? He’s not a mission to accomplish.”

  “You know what I mean. When, or do, you want to meet him? Because if you aren’t up for this, I understand.” And she did. Because she’d raised Jake to this point, she knew she’d survive if Rob didn’t want to become a full-time parent.

  “What the f—” Rob cut his expletive off, his face red and his eyes glued to the road. Not looking at her.

  “It’s been a long time. You said yourself you’re dedicated to your career. Being an undercover operative is not conducive to stable par
enting.”

  “And being a US marshal, hauling in the dregs of society, is?” Like her brother Nolan, Rob cut to the heart of what she’d been considering for the past year. Unlike Nolan, Rob didn’t know this part of her, didn’t have the years of helping her with Jake to understand her decision-making process. But the fact was that Rob knew her better than her brother did. Rob knew her on a soul level. He always had. And that was what made all of this so damned hard.

  “Why couldn’t this have been a disaster?”

  “What, Trina?” She felt his gaze on her like a caress. “Do you mean when we just made love?” Rob shook his head. “It’s never a disaster when we’re together. What we shared at Camp Serenity proves that.”

  “More like camp screw-your-brains-out.” She couldn’t help it—she reverted to lousy attempts at humor whenever confronted by the most serious issues in her life. And it wasn’t lost on her that he’d said “made love.” It had to have been an expression. It didn’t, couldn’t, mean anything more.

  “What we just shared wasn’t screwing, Trina. Don’t even try that route with me. As for my son, our son, of course I’m going to meet him and be involved with his upbringing. I have five years to make up for. The real questions are whether you’re going to make it easy or difficult for me to do so, and what kind of relationship you and I are going to have moving forward. I think you’ve already answered the second question.” His neutral tone gave nothing away. She had no clue if he was disappointed that she didn’t want a further romantic relationship with him or not.

  Romantic—the very word seemed so weak, so insipid compared to what she felt with Rob. Their bond was beyond description, beyond comparison. And it was cemented at the very least with the child they’d made.

  Her instinct was to shut Rob down, close off any chance of him meeting Jake. It would be easier; there would be no hard feelings to deal with on her side. Except, knowing what joy and love Jake had brought to her life, could she possibly deprive Rob of any of it? No matter that it had been his choice to walk away over three years ago.

  He’d had no idea the boy you were holding was his.

  She expelled a long breath and watched the land whip by. As the sky darkened it released brilliant splashes of fuchsia and amethyst. Twinkling lights glimmered to the west, and she longed for home. To have Jake in her arms, to read him his bedtime story, to take a long, hot shower after he was asleep. Sip a cup of herbal tea and try to knit the scarf she’d started last Saturday in the Silver Valley knitting shop. Knitting was a new hobby for her, and she loved how she could sit on the back patio while Jake ran around the yard, a completely uninhibited five-year-old boy. He was as content with toads and crickets as he was with a handheld video game.

  Jake deserved to know his father.

  * * *

  “Trina?” Rob didn’t like how still she sat, her face turned toward the passenger window, away from him. Was she going to tell him he’d never meet his kid? That she didn’t want to ever see him again, either?

  And the sex they’d just had—it was life-changing. Not from the mind-blowing orgasm he’d had, or the three she’d had. He’d been damn careful, even in his frenzied need, that she had pleasure, too. It was about how readily they’d come together again, no matter that he’d bared all when he’d told her he’d made an attempt to see her again three and a half years ago. And he’d walked away.

  “Hmmm. I think that maybe you meeting Jake tonight, if he’s still up, is okay. Making a big deal out of it doesn’t seem right to me.” She fluttered her hands in front of her, her giveaway that she was unsettled. “I’ve only ever told him that his daddy was a hero, and that he’d given the ultimate sacrifice.”

  “You told him I was dead, though?” Rob couldn’t imagine keeping that from a kid.

  “Yes, but it’s not something he’s grasped yet. I’ve been preparing myself for a barrage of questions once he starts kindergarten in the fall. Until now he’s been in a smaller, private Montessori school, and with my brother so active in his life, he doesn’t seem to miss a male role model.” She looked at him as she trailed off. “I’m sorry, Rob. I don’t mean he doesn’t need a father in his life.”

  “I get it. I’m the interloper.” And he was. He would have been three years ago, too, but less so. Fierce regret welled in his chest, making his breathing shallow. He couldn’t change the past but he sure did mourn it. To be able to get back Jake’s first five years...

  “It’s not going to be easy for either of us, Rob.” She fiddled with the wrapping from a straw. “To be honest, I have no idea how Jake is going to react. But there’s a good chance he’ll take this better than you or I.”

  “Kids are supposed to be more adaptable than we are, right?” He’d have to find some books, read up on it. Rob was confident that he could escape from just about any man-made contraption, survive anywhere on the planet with the right gear, but had no idea what it took to be a good parent. A father. It wasn’t something he’d experienced. That darn pain under his ribcage, that had nothing to do with the fractured bones, and it wouldn’t let go. He was sad he’d missed so much with Jake. And not a little apprehensive about how he’d measure up to the young boy. Would Jake take one look at him and proclaim he didn’t need a dad?

  “They are beyond adaptable. It’s a little scary to realize how accepting they are, how open.” A longer pause this time. He knew her well enough to know she was getting ready to drop a bomb. “I’ll do anything to keep him safe, Rob. I’ve never spanked him. Time-out is the harshest punishment he’s ever needed. Sometimes I take away his toys if he’s being stubborn.”

  He heard the unspoken order at the same time he felt the visceral punch to his gut. She knew about his foster families, his biological family’s history of substance abuse, which had often led to his physical abuse as a child. It was the reason he and his brother had been put in the foster system. Her statement was reasonable; he’d be surprised if she felt otherwise. It still smarted more than he’d like, however. His gut tightened into a coil of barbed wire. A defensiveness, no, protectiveness toward Jake. It was how he’d felt in the foster system, when his brother had been threatened. And before their foster family, when their biological father had gone after them in a drug-induced rage. Rob had always fought for his little brother. But what he felt for Jake was much deeper, more primal. It was a depth of emotion he never encountered before. He sighed. He had a lot to learn about being a dad.

  “I’m not going to harm my own kid, Trina.” Couldn’t she give him some credit here?

  “I don’t want you to think I’m expecting that, Rob. It’s what I never expected once I had a child. First, I had no clue how much I’d love him. No one tells you that—they all warn about how tired you’ll be, how stressful the teenage years are, how some kids turn out bad no matter what you do. But no one told me how very much I’d fall for the little guy, the tiny baby who’s turned into a sweet, full-of-mischief little boy. I’d die for him, Rob. In the military we knew we could be killed with any mission, at the drop of a hat. We accepted it. It was easier to take it as part of the job description before I had Jake. I knew my parents and my brother would be devastated if I died defending our freedoms, but I also knew they’d survive. Jake needs me as much as I need to know he’s safe and sound each night, tucked in his little race car bed.”

  “He has a race car bed? I would have loved that!”

  “Yes. He loves trains, and there was a locomotive bed frame I thought he’d pick, but when he saw the racing car with all the decals on it he was beyond ecstatic. He’s outgrowing it and needs a twin bed, but I’m afraid to tell him. He’ll be heartbroken.”

  “I’m going to pay you child support for the last five years. Whatever my fair share would have been.” He didn’t say it as a form of manipulation to make sure she’d introduce Jake to her, or as a way to assuage his own guilt at not pressing forward and making sure that the baby in Trina
’s arms wasn’t his. It hadn’t even occurred to him, as he’d figured with both of them using contraception while on deployment the chance of pregnancy was nil.

  How wrong he’d been.

  Her sharp intake of breath was his only warning before she launched into a classic Trina tirade.

  “No, you are not. There’s nothing to pay for. You weren’t here. Whether it was your choice or not, that’s debatable, but Jake has been cared for.”

  “You couldn’t even go after any medical or Social Security benefits for him. We weren’t married—you weren’t my dependent.”

  “No, but Jake was my dependent while I was on active duty. And he’s fine. My parents and Nolan and I have all been contributing to a college fund, and I have excellent health insurance. We don’t need your money, Rob.”

  Maybe not. But he needed to contribute in all ways possible. “Can’t I at least put something into his college fund, then?”

  “Sure, that’s always available. Why don’t you slow down here and focus on meeting him first?”

  “He’s not a damned puppy, Trina. I’m not going to take him back if we don’t connect right away.”

  “I didn’t mean it that way.”

  “We’re both tired. I’m not so sure meeting Jake when we’re both this worn out is such a good idea.”

  “It’s the best idea, Rob, because it’s real life.” She laughed as she resettled herself in the bucket seat, legs folded in front of her yoga-style. “I hadn’t slept for two days when I delivered Jake. The labor had kept me up through two nights, and I was so excited that he was on the way I couldn’t rest like they told me to in the hospital. And of course those first couple of weeks are whoppers—he was always hungry, always crying to either eat or be changed.”

  “I hate that I wasn’t there for you, Trina.”

  “I hate that you weren’t, too. Not so much for me but to watch him as he grew. I have a lot of photos that will fill in the blanks for you. My mother caught some good ones of me nursing him, where I fell asleep with him in my arms. Don’t worry—I was sitting on the floor with my back against the sofa. I used a bumper pillow that went around my waist so that he was always supported. I never dropped him. The picture I’m thinking about is hilarious—it shows his greedy little hands clutching at my boob and bra and my head is back, mouth open, clearly snoring.”