Living With Doubt (The Regret Series Book 2)

by Riann C. Miller

  “My parents thought giving him a final resting place would give me some peace, but it didn’t. I completely shut down. It felt like everyone blamed me. Chris and Jena broke up. He couldn’t get past the idea that Jena went into that bedroom with his drunk brother. He was convinced there was really something going on between the two of them. The Winters family fell apart. Our family fell apart. I hadn’t pulled my scholarship to NYU, so I finished high school, moved, and now I rarely come home. Everything in this damn town reminds me of what I lost, reminds me of a girl I never want to be again. Most of the time, I can force myself to forget, but when I heard that Jena and Chris were back together, it jarred loose memories I’ve spent years bottling up. I think the same might hold true for Bryan, seeing as he sent me a picture from the one and only sonogram I had. He wanted to make sure I knew he hadn’t forgotten.” She shakes her head in disgust.

  How I’m even standing with her right now is a mystery. From the second she met me, I reminded her of the worst time in her life.

  “I’m not sure if I can even have children. The doctor didn’t say it was impossible, but being as young as I was when the accident happened, I was told there was a possibility I wouldn’t be able to carry to full term. Only time would tell, but I can’t go through that again.” Tears stream down her face. “I fell in love with a little boy I never got to meet, and when we buried him, I buried a piece of my heart that I’ll never get back.”

  I reach out for her hands, needing the connection. “I think that’s normal, Lace. I don’t believe for a second that time heals all wounds, but you can’t continue to carry this guilt and heartache around, using what happened as a shield, preventing yourself from being happy.”

  She gives me a weak smile. “You’re right. I’m not sure I was ready to meet you—I’m not sure I was ever ready to meet the Jake Girard.” She laughs. “But somehow you managed to make me fall in love with you.”

  I stand in front of her, frozen, my heart racing while I wait for her say something else. I’d like nothing more than to sweep her up into my arms and beg her to always be mine, but I’m afraid I’ll ruin the moment, that I’ll cause her to retreat back into her own head by taking more than she’s ready to offer.

  “I’m done allowing fear to control my life. I have no idea what the future holds, but I’m ready to figure that out…with you…if you still want me.”

  I stare at her tear-stained face knowing I’ve never seen a woman look more beautiful than she does right now. “Marry me.”

  Her eyes go wide in shock, and maybe even fear, but instead of answering me, she swallows several times.

  “I know you think it’s too soon, and we have a lot of shit to work out—I won’t deny that for a second—but I love you. I’ve never loved another woman the way I love you. You don’t have to quit your job or even move. I’m not sure of all the details, but I know together we can make anything work.”

  “I don’t even have a job at the moment,” she mumbles before giving me a huge smile. “Love, acceptance, and forgiveness will deliver happiness. I know I love you, I’m ready to accept you exactly the way you are, and I’m ready to forgive myself for what happened.” She fixes me with a stare as she raises her chin and smiles. “I’m ready to find my happiness…with you.”

  My heart jumps into my throat as her words play through my head. “Are you saying…?”

  She nods. “Yes. I’m saying yes to everything, as long as it includes you.”

  I wrap my arms around her waist as I pick her up and swing her around. “You have no idea how happy you just made me.”

  “I think I finally have an idea,” she says with a smile, one I’ll spend the rest of my life ensuring she always has on her face.

  Epilogue

  Lacey

  5 Years Later

  “What do you think of this building?”

  I roll my eyes and push the paper Jake has in front of me out of my face. “I told you already, I don’t want to move to New York.”

  My husband suspiciously looks at me. His dark brown eyes stare into mine while he waits for me to say something more, which isn’t normal. I’ve been known to talk enough for the both of us, but this is one time I’m staying quiet.

  “A deal is a deal, Lace. My retirement is about to become official…therefore, it’s time we move to New York.”

  My eyes soften. When I agreed to marry him, I was already jobless, so it made sense for me to move to Arizona with him. No matter how strong our relationship was, living apart for that many months a year was going to be hard. The second I agreed to move, he promised we’d return to New York when his contract ended—something at the time I was very much in favor of. However, that was years ago.

  In the meantime, I’ve started up my own law firm in Phoenix that happens to be doing very well, and to be honest, I’ve grown accustomed to the weather here. I love how we can sit by the pool year round, and I haven’t needed a winter coat except for the times I return to the East Coast to visit my family, Jordan, and Caleb.

  I practically hated Arizona when I first arrived, but like Jake, it grew on me in a way I wasn’t expecting.

  “I found an amazing loft apartment that has a killer view of Central Park. There also happens to be ten floors that just recently came open less than a mile from there that we can rent for your firm.”

  I grab his hand. “Jake, I wouldn’t need ten floors for years to come, maybe not ever. I only have three other lawyers at my current firm, one I’ve been establishing for the last five years.”

  I smile again, reaching my hand up to the stubble on his face. “I want to stay here, not because I have to, but because Phoenix feels like home now…so unless you’re desperate to move, I want you to stop worrying about a promise you made years ago.”

  “I don’t ever want to go back on a promise I made you.” He nervously watches me, which only causes me to laugh.

  “You haven’t gone back on anything, that’s all on me.” I stare at him, knowing I’m about to make him speechless. “Plus, I’m pregnant, and the doctor told me I should take it easy until they know whether or not it’ll be a high-risk pregnancy.”

  He arches an eyebrow, slowly processing what I told him.

  Before we got married, I told Jake I didn’t want to have children. He needed to know in case that was a deal breaker, but it wasn’t. He swept me off my feet for a second time when he told me all he needed was me to be happy.

  I didn’t lie when I told him I didn’t want children, but what I didn’t know at the time, I was still grieving the loss of my baby. I believe in my fucked-up way of thinking, I was punishing myself for what happened. Believing I didn’t deserve a child, worried I would ruin another life before they even had the chance to take their first breath. No matter how happy I was with Jake, the life we were building, I still had moments when I would break down and cry. I had a hard time being around the other players’ wives when they had their kids with them, and no matter how hard I tried to keep my pain hidden, Jake could somehow tell what I was feeling.

  He all but begged me to get professional help, not because he needed me to be a better wife or lover, but because he couldn’t stand to watch me retreat back into my head. I wasn’t totally sold on the idea, but I could tell it was important to him, so I found a doctor, and over time, I slowly opened up. I don’t go to therapy anymore because I’ve finally forgiven myself, Jena, and even Bryan—something I never believed was possible. We were all kids, and everyone makes mistakes.

  I remember the first time I held a baby—Bridgett’s baby, one I couldn’t run from no matter how hard I wanted to—but when my niece was placed in my arms, I felt…happy. The painful memories I expected never came. Instead, all the doubt I had about having children of my own started to melt away, and if I could’ve taken Annie home as mine, I would have in a second.

  “Are you sure? I mean how many tests have you taken?”

  I bit my lip, nervous he’ll be pissed when I tell him the truth. “I s
aw the doctor last week. He confirmed I’m eight weeks pregnant, and as of now, everything looks good.”

  His eyes slightly narrow. “You’ve already seen a doctor?”

  “Yes, and before you get mad that I didn’t tell you sooner, you should remember your season just ended. I wasn’t about to tell you something this big right before a playoff game.”

  His shoulders sag as the tension he wore seconds before starts to drain. “Eight weeks?” he asks with a huge smile on his face.

  “Yes…well, nine weeks as of tomorrow.”

  “Holy shit, we’re going to be fucking parents.” He jumps to his feet and starts pacing the floor in front of me. “I can’t believe this is finally happening.”

  Once I decided I was ready for a child, Jake jumped right on board; however, we found out getting pregnant wasn’t as easy as just having sex. Months passed and nothing happened. I started taking fertility treatments about six months ago, six long months of almost crying when my period arrived each month.

  Last month, when I was late, Jake didn’t even ask. The Cardinals had made it to the playoffs, and he was doing everything he could to ensure his last season of playing was as successful as possible. Of course, he was hoping for a Super Bowl win, but that happened two years ago, so he wasn’t nearly as bummed when they lost last Sunday to Green Bay.

  “It’s finally happening, and I want to raise our children here, not in New York.”

  His eyebrows jump. “Children?”

  I laugh. “I have no idea how many are in there, but if there’s just one, I was thinking we might have another. As long as this pregnancy doesn’t kill me.”

  He closes the distance between us, bringing his hand up to my face. “I love you. I love you so fucking much.”

  I fix him with a stare, one I hope appears serious. “I’m glad you love me. I hope that’s still the case now that you’re retired and about to sit at home being Mr. Mom every day.”

  He fights a smile. “Mr. Mom?”

  “Yes. I’m not about to leave my kids with a stranger, and after all, it’s not like you’ll be working.”

  He tilts his head back as a deep grumble comes from his chest. When he looks at me again, one side of his mouth is pulled up into a smirk. “There’s nothing else I’d rather do with my retirement than raise our children. And who knows, maybe with these treatments you’re taking, you’ll pop out a few at a time.”

  This time, it’s me who fights a smile. “Take it easy there, buddy. I’m a woman, not a dog, and I’m thinking two is plenty.”

  “Two at a time works for me.”

  Not giving me the chance to say anything else, Jake closes his mouth over mine, reminding me why life seems perfect—perfect in a way I had long given up on.

  Things happen in life, things we don’t always have control over, and learning to accept that has been the greatest gift.

  * * *

  THE END

  About the Author

  Riann C. Miller lives in southeast Kansas and writes steamy contemporary romance stories. When she’s not reading or writing, she spends time with her friends and family or you might catch her watching a baseball game with a beer in her hand.

  * * *

  Riann who pronounces her name (Ry-an) also preoccupies a lot of her time on social media connecting with readers.

  * * *

  Join Riann’s Readers for exclusive teasers and giveaways!

  Sign-up for Riann’s Newsletter to stay up to date on new releases.

  @RiannCMiller

  authorriannmiller

  www.riannmiller.com

  authorriannmiller@gmail.com

  Acknowledgments

  My husband is a wonderful man. I wouldn’t be half the person I am today without him. Rob, thank you for not only putting up with me and my crazy ways but for continuing to stand by my side.

  * * *

  My children…they’re life. My reason for living.

  * * *

  Aaron & Mandy…seriously you two ladies mean the world to me. Your consistent support and faith in me means more than you could possibly know.

  * * *

  Lainey… Thank you for choosing me. You’re not only my PA but a close friend. I can’t wait until the day I finally get to meet you.

  * * *

  Jules… Seriously, you’re the shit. One day soon, I’m booking a flight to NY and we’re going to party.

  * * *

  Kristen…there were a few times when I thought I hated you, but you managed to push me out of my comfort zone and in the end everything you said was exactly what I needed to hear. I can’t wait to work with you again.

  * * *

  Katie & Colette…thank you! I love both dearly.

  * * *

  Chantal, Louise, Serena, Gina, Kathleen & Amber… thank you for all your help and support.

  * * *

  To all the members of my street team and my reading group… THANK YOU for believing in me.

  * * *

  And most importantly, to anyone who’s ever picked up one of my books and given me a chance. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  Also by Riann C. Miller

  Unlikely Love

  Damaged Love

  Meeting The Unpredictable

  Beneath The Lies

  Locked Away

  Living With Regret

  Coming Soon

  The Dangers Of Dreaming

  Meeting The Unpredictable

  Chapter 1

  Lennie

  After spending the last six days in my car, I’m at the last place I should be. I should walk away, but instead, I lift my hand and knock. Instantly, dread sets in. I shouldn’t be here. I know people. I have other places I could crash. Suddenly, I’m hoping like hell that she’s not home. I pick up my bag, ready to get the hell out of here, when the door opens.

  “Lennie?”

  I plaster on a smile. “Hey, sis.”

  “You’re early.” My face falls with the knowledge that she’s been counting down the weeks until I would be forced to return.

  “I’m in between jobs. I figured I could crash here for a while if that’s okay.”

  “In between jobs or boyfriends?”

  I laugh. “Both.” Jodi cracks a smile and opens her door.

  “Thanks.” I dart past my sister, and instantly my eyes start taking in her picture perfect apartment. Nothing has changed since the last time I was here. “Fancy.”

  Her tone changes. “Don’t start with me, Lennie.”

  My sister is three years older than I am. She’s the stable one. She’s the daughter my parents brag about to their stuffy friends. We couldn’t be more opposite if we tried. Then again . . . I try.

  “I can’t believe you’re already here.” I shrug and continue to take in her apartment. I would bet my life that she had someone come in and design this place. My next bet would be that no one other than our parents ever visit her.

  “You think you can stay in one place for longer than a month?”

  “You think you can go one week without wearing designer shoes?”

  “Funny, I’m being serious,” she says dryly.

  “So am I. I’ve seen how many pairs of shoes you own.”

  Jodi rolls her eyes. “My guest room is down the hall. Second door on the left.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome, and Lennie?” I glance at my sister only to find a serious look cross her face. “It’s good to have you back, even if it’s not for long.”

  More anxiety settles in the pit of my stomach as I slowly nod my head, because no matter what my sister says, it doesn’t feel good to be back.

  I pick up my bag and make my way to her spare room. I’m not shocked to find it’s just as frilly as the rest of her apartment. I run my hand over the bedspread, wondering why she’d spend this much money on a room no one uses. Then again, this is exactly how we were raised.

  I don’t spend my money on things that don’t matter. I drop to
the bed, which is unbelievably comfortable. Who knows, maybe in my sister’s fucked up way of thinking, this room matters, but it doesn’t. I learned a long time ago that the things that matter in life never come with a price tag.

  “Call my cell if you need me. If I don’t answer and it’s important, call my secretary. She’ll be able to get ahold of me. I’ll be in court this afternoon, so please don’t call unless it’s necessary.”

  “Got it. Call after two.”

  Jodi stops fumbling with her purse and looks over at me. “I’m serious.”

  I roll my eyes. “Has there ever been a day when you weren’t?”

  “Funny. I’ll see you tonight.” Seconds later, she’s out the door, leaving me all alone to play with her stuff. Jodi is beyond a neat freak, and I’ve always taken enjoyment in messing with her. I wander to her closet and start mixing her casual and business clothing together. Immature? Absolutely, but she’ll expect nothing less.

  I move to her DVD collection, and I can’t help but laugh. She has them in alphabetical order . . . well, she did. I lay down on her bed and pop in a movie. Three hours later, I wake up, sweaty and hungry.

  After a quick shower and a change of clothing, my stomach growls. I open Jodi’s fridge, but nothing catches my eye. I move to the pantry where my hunger gets overlooked as I start removing the labels off everything I can find. We used to do this to our mother all the time when we were kids. I smile as I remember how different things once were.