Procrastination

by Jane B. Burka

  THE FAMILY’S INFLUENCE ON SELF-ESTEEM

  Perhaps the most profound impact, and the one that is most directly linked to the fears we’ve discussed, is the inhibition of the development of a child’s self-esteem. Self-esteem represents your assessment of your own worth. If your general self-esteem is too low, you feel worthless. If your self-esteem is inflated, you feel all-powerful. One of the tasks of growing up is to develop a realistic sense of your capabilities and to accept your limitations, while maintaining positive feelings of self-worth. This task can be supported by a family that embraces you as you are and helps you develop a sense of yourself that does not fluctuate wildly under different circumstances.

  A fundamental lack of support for a child’s developing sense of self is common to the family themes we have mentioned. Overcontrol undermines a child’s sense that he or she has what it takes to survive independently, make good choices, and chart a self-determined course. A family that focuses so much attention on achievement puts a child in a precarious position, because the child is defined by performance. The overly praised child is left with an unrealistic sense of omnipotence—“I can do anything!”—because the parents did not help the child to tolerate failure and accept realistic limits. On the other hand, the child who received too little praise or too much criticism may continue to believe that he or she can never be anything but a disappointment—“I am nothing!” When personality dimensions other than achievement are ignored, a child cannot develop a broad-based self-image. A sense of humor, the capacity to make and keep friends, having passionate interests or creative talents, a willingness to put forth great effort, the ability to empathize—these are only a few of the human qualities that are ignored or undervalued in many procrastinators’ families.

  Some of you may find that thinking about your family history brings up painful memories, because in some families, there is trauma—high conflict, multiple moves, immigration, divorce, illness, and death. Parents may be emotionally unstable or may abuse substances, resulting in neglect of their children or in physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. A series of repeated smaller traumas can add up to “cumulative trauma,”9 which can have a significant impact even though it may be harder to identify. If you came home with a good report card, and your father was busy on his computer and didn’t seem interested, that’s one experience. In the context of a responsive and supportive relationship, it’s no big deal. But if your father was consistently unable to respond to your pleasure and pride, all of those moments can add up to your feeling invisible.

  These traumas stay with us, leaving us feeling fundamentally vulnerable and unsafe. Tasks that might otherwise have a neutral valence may feel risky simply because day-to-day existence feels threatening. Unfortunately, when you respond to risks by procrastinating, you actually increase the possibility of being in danger.

  Rupture and Repair

  Just as we are not perfect, parents are not perfect either. Everyone makes mistakes. All parents have bad days, bad moods, and bad behavior. At these times, parents can’t recognize the needs of the child. Fortunately, parents don’t need to be perfectly attuned to be “good enough” parents.10 Researchers who studied parent-child attachment patterns found that parents who were attuned to their children as little as 30 percent of the time were able to foster secure emotional attachments in their children.11

  Ruptures, large or small, are an ordinary part of being in any relationship. One critical factor is how people handle ruptures when they occur. If a parent behaves badly or ignores the needs of a child, the parent can initiate a process of repair: “I’m sorry I got so angry”; “I didn’t realize how upset you were and that you needed to talk to me.” It’s helpful when parents can acknowledge their faults and take responsibility for their actions. Making the child a partner in reconnecting communicates respect, value, and esteem. A child who is treated with esteem develops self-esteem.

  An Unremembered Legacy

  When you procrastinate on a task, all of your history is alive in you at that moment. You might consciously know what makes you so fearful or uncomfortable. But even if you don’t, you can bet that an old memory related to your self-esteem has been activated.12 Our earliest experiences have a profound and lasting influence on our developing self-esteem. They function as a mirror that reveals who we are, and that reflection forms a background tone and texture for the rest of our lives.

  Writing about these earliest life experiences, the psychologist Louis Cozolino asks,Did our parents seem to cherish, love, and value us, or did they find us annoying, disgusting, or uninteresting? When we were with them did we feel safe and protected or worthy of rejection and abandonment? Were we loved for who we were or for what we did that pleased them? When we gazed into their eyes, did they reflect back our love or did they appear irritated, indifferent, or unhappy? . . . Our only access to these primitive experiences is what we see reflected in our self-esteem, the way we treat ourselves, and how we allow others to treat us. Do we take care of ourselves, nurture ourselves, and feel we have value? Do we live under the scrutiny of an internal jury, second-guessing and criticizing our every thought and deed? How do we treat ourselves when we make a mistake? When we fail, can we face the disappointment, learn from the experience, and move on?13

  An attuned parent provides a secure base,14 which is the foundation for us to feel accepted, whole, and loved and to have confidence in ourselves. The secure base is also the foundation for healthy exploration of the world and for the pursuit of interests, opportunities, and new learning. Fortunately, children who did not have a strong sense of security growing up can acquire it in later life, if they are able to choose safe, reliable, loving people for their significant relationships.15

  It’s All about Love

  All family experiences leave children with certain ideas about how to be loved. In some families, love is unconditional, and people are accepted as they are. In other families, love is more conditional. What is acceptable in one family may not be acceptable in another. For example, in some families, love and affection depend on being interested in every detail of each other’s lives. In other families, that same behavior would be considered intrusive or insulting; love is given instead to those who take care of themselves and do not make demands on others.

  A child may come to believe that it is possible to be loved only when he or she fulfills certain special roles within the family. For example, the child may assume that I will be loved only if:• I am the perfect child

  • I can do what comes easily to everybody else

  • I don’t threaten you with my success

  • I follow your rules

  • I always put you first

  • I don’t demand too much from you

  • I can become a different person

  These conditions represent the child’s hope for being loved. But is that hope likely to be fulfilled? Even if a child molds himself to be just what he thinks he’s supposed to be, there’s no guarantee he’ll be received with love. And if he is loved under these narrow conditions, only certain parts of him are being welcomed. Procrastination serves to maintain assumptions about what’s permissible or possible by keeping parts of the self under wraps. A child may feel that this is the only way to be loved.

  Suppose a child holds the idea that in order to be loved, he must always believe his father is right about everything. The child’s self-esteem is compromised because the father is the “one who knows” and the child must remain the “one who does not know.” When the child chooses to write papers at the last minute, he is handicapping himself, refusing to use his full talents and abilities. This keeps him in the position of being one who does not know. If the child did not procrastinate and allowed himself to explore and express his own ideas, he would be taking the position of one who knows, which would be a direct challenge to his assumption about where he is permitted to stand in relation to his father.

  Confronting and changing long-held assumptions about you and your
family can be unnerving and disorienting. This is why procrastination is so hard to overcome. It’s not simply a matter of changing a habit; it requires changing your inner world. However, as you access capacities and parts of yourself that have been held back by procrastination, you can derive great pleasure in claiming your whole self. This integration is the true basis for self-esteem.

  10

  Looking Ahead to Success

  So, procrastination isn’t so simple, is it? We’ve come a long way from attributing it to laziness, lack of discipline, and moral decay. And yet, your procrastination is understandable—it is not a plague that descends upon you by chance; it is a behavior you engage in for particular reasons. Procrastination represents a complex interweaving of psychological roots, biological factors, and a lifetime of experiences.

  In one sense, procrastination has served you well. It has protected you from what may be some unpleasant realizations about yourself. It has helped you avoid uncomfortable and perhaps frightening feelings. It has provided you with a convenient excuse for not taking action in a direction that is upsetting in some way. But, regardless of the reasons for your procrastination, and in spite of whatever “comfort” it has given you, you have also paid a price for it.

  Let’s look at the costs. You’ve inhibited your efforts at work or school; you’ve held yourself back from taking risks and exploring new possibilities; you’ve put a lid on the natural and spontaneous expression of your ideas and emotions; you’ve been acting in accord with a limited view of who you think you must be. You’ve disappointed people you love and let down or irritated others. On top of all this, you’ve been paying the emotional price of anxiety, resentment, fraudulence, or despair, and—most expensive of all—diminished self-confidence.

  If you are going to let go of procrastination and face your fears head-on, what do you think might happen? What if you’re not perfect? What’s dangerous about being successful or realizing your limits? Would you really be trapped if you made a commitment? If you stated your own opinion? Who says you can’t be an individual if you do things according to someone else’s timetable? You can begin to do something about your procrastination in spite of the fact that you are afraid. As Mark Twain said, “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear.” It will take courage to give up the familiarity and the usefulness of procrastination. In this section, we offer a number of ideas to help you get started.

  THE DANGERS OF IMPROVEMENT1

  If you have felt frustrated and thwarted by procrastination, the prospect of delaying less and accomplishing more may be very appealing. In fact, you might think life will improve 100 percent. Many people assume that after conquering procrastination they’ll be happy, successful, and relaxed. But they don’t realize that making progress also means confronting the fears they’ve been avoiding.

  For example, if you become noticeably more productive at work, you could be promoted to a new position with even more demands and greater responsibilities. You might worry that you’d be in over your head or that you would travel more and have to spend time away from your family. Or, if you finally file your long-overdue taxes, not only will you face what you owe, but you will have to acknowledge that you, too, must play by the rules.

  We would like you to consider the “dangers of improvement,” the troublesome consequences that might result if you were to give up procrastination. The potential dangers may not necessarily be reasonable or logical. We’re not asking you to predict the reality of what would happen if you stopped procrastinating, but rather to play with ideas about how things might change and how that might feel.

  If you stop procrastinating, what new problems or situations would you have to face that you don’t have to contend with now?

  Take a few minutes to think over this question. Try to come up with at least five dangers that you might face if you stop putting things off. Let your imagination go. Below are some of the dangers of improvement identified by procrastinators in our Procrastination Workshops. We have grouped them according to several common themes.

  My illusions could be shattered . . .

  What if I finally do my best, but I’m mediocre?

  I might not be able to achieve what I always thought I could.

  I couldn’t feel superior if I found I was in the same boat as others.

  There’s always more to do . . .

  I’ll turn into a workaholic.

  I’ll take on more and more responsibilities and put my own needs last.

  I’ll find there’s even more to do than I thought. It will never end.

  My relationships would change and not for the better . . .

  It’s lonely at the top; I’d lose my friends.

  People will compete with me and try to cut me down.

  My flaws will be obvious and no one will like me.

  Everyone will be envious of me.

  I’ll be too different from my family.

  I’d lose control over my life . . .

  I’d have to accept a lot of other people’s routines and expectations.

  I’d have to learn new things and be a novice again. I’d rather be the expert.

  I’ll be taken over by this new culture.

  People will demand more and more of me—and I can’t say “No.”

  Life would seem boring . . .

  I would miss the excitement and challenge of “cutting it close.”

  I wouldn’t be inspired and I’d be less creative.

  Things done early will seem too easy. That’s no fun!

  I’d be completely responsible for myself . . .

  I couldn’t blame other people or circumstances for what I do or don’t do.

  What would it be like to be completely on my own without getting everyone to help me at the last minute?

  I’d have to make a lot of difficult decisions about how to spend my time.

  I wouldn’t be a nice person anymore . . .

  If I’m successful, I might turn into a pompous ass.

  I’d become self-righteous and disdainful of those who still procrastinate.

  I might be dull, less fun, no longer a unique person.

  I’d start to feel competitive with everyone else.

  Maybe I don’t deserve this . . .

  I’d have to acknowledge that I’m worth something.

  I haven’t punished myself enough for procrastinating.

  I’d be even more disappointed in myself if I started to procrastinate again.

  These dangers of improvement provide more clues about why the cycle of procrastination is so hard to break. If you stop procrastinating, things will change. Even though they change for the better, you may feel you’re on unfamiliar and dangerous ground. Until now, procrastination has seemed the lesser of many evils by offering refuge in spite of its costs and restrictions. Your new, un-procrastinating self is unknown and therefore represents a risk. One of the greatest dangers of improvement will be finding a new way to define yourself.

  PROCRASTINATION AS IDENTITY

  People vary greatly with respect to how much of their identity is wrapped up in being a procrastinator. Before you make a move to reduce the extent of procrastination in your life, we’d like you to consider some of the ways putting things off may give you a particular kind of personality or image that could be difficult to relinquish.

  The Lovable Clown

  One way people deal with procrastination is to treat it as a joke—and then build an identity around it. They may use their experiences with procrastination as comic material: entertaining friends with tales of their latest close call, making jokes as they arrive hours late for dinner, or laughing all the way to the post office at midnight on April 15. Making procrastination such an important part of their repertoire, they may worry that giving it up will somehow diminish their personality and cramp their style.

  Sergio regaled people with his procrastination stories. He told everyone he knew about the time he had to tape the unfinished hem of his pan
ts cuffs in a department store bathroom, because he bought a new suit thirty minutes before meeting the executive director of his company. In his college fraternity, he’d been voted “Most Likely to Rush.” Sergio’s procrastination gave him a way to entertain people. If he gave up the comic role, he wasn’t sure exactly who he would be or whether people would still find him funny.