by Amira Rain
When she used a special instrument to allow me to listen to the baby's heartbeat through a speaker, I cried, suddenly desperately wishing that Cole were by my side.
Feeling a little silly to have become so emotional, I apologized to Katie, sniffling. "I guess I just have some pregnant woman hormones going on this morning."
Smiling, and with her own eyes a little misty I thought, she told me to not be ridiculous. "Don't apologize. It's perfectly normal to shed a few tears when you hear your baby's heartbeat for the first time. In fact, I usually get a bit choked up myself just watching a mom-to-be hear her baby's heartbeat for the first time."
I hadn't thought I'd care that much, but now I was determined to have Cole by my side for my second prenatal appointment. Like I'd had, I was pretty sure he was also going to have a strong emotional reaction upon hearing our baby's heartbeat for the first time. Simply unable to shut my tears off, I cried my way through the ultrasound as well, nearly sobbing while I viewed an image of Cole's and my tiny little baby on a black and white screen. Katie said that all looked perfectly healthy and normal, which helped me regain my composure long enough to ask her if she could tell if the baby was a boy or a girl, but then I quickly said never mind, that I didn't want to know.
"I guess Cole and I haven't discussed if we want to know the sex before the birth or be surprised, so maybe I should wait on that."
Continuing to slide the slippery wand over my little baby bump, Katie smiled. "Well, that's perfectly fine, because it's still too early for me to even tell yet. Your baby looks to be just about eleven weeks gestational age, so we'll probably have to wait a month or two before we can determine gender, if you and Commander Marlowe do decide that you'd like to find out."
Confused, I suddenly struggled to sit up a bit, on my elbows. "Wait a second...the baby is only eleven weeks old since conception?"
It had been thirteen weeks, plus a few days, since Cole had told me that I was pregnant with his child. It had been eleven weeks since we'd first actually slept together.
Frowning slightly, Katie said that yes, it looked like the baby had only been conceived eleven weeks earlier. At the most, she said.
"And there's no chance that it could just be small for its gestational age or something? There's no chance it could actually be closer to thirteen or fourteen weeks old?"
Frowning a bit harder, Katie shook her head. "I really don't think so. It's fairly easy to determine gestational age at this point, and blood flow to the placenta looks perfectly normal, so there's no reason the baby would be small. To me, your baby looks like a perfectly healthy, normal-sized baby about eleven weeks post-conception."
Mind reeling, I didn't say anything, and Katie continued.
"Were you and Commander Marlowe thinking that you're a little further along than eleven weeks?"
Nodding, I finally managed to find my voice after a moment or two. "Yes. We thought that I became pregnant very early on after coming here to the village. We thought that maybe...well, that even the very first day I arrived here it happened."
Setting her ultrasound wand aside, Katie gave me a little smile. "Sometimes this happens...that a woman or a couple misjudges the date of conception a bit, and it's perfectly normal and understandable, particularly if the day of supposed conception occurred during a time of great upheaval and stress. And although you strike me as a very happy woman, and maybe even a woman in love, I don't know all the specifics of how you came here, but I'm guessing that maybe that day was very emotional, stressful, and possibly even upsetting for you. I can see how easy it might have been to feel like all sorts of earth-shattering things were happening that day...like maybe in the midst of all the upheaval, the strong emotions that resulted made you feel like your whole world had changed, and that you must have instantly become pregnant, too."
Obviously, that was not what had happened. I'd been told that I was pregnant. By Cole. Who'd told me to just trust him about things. And I eventually had.
However, being that I didn't want to get into all of this with Katie, I just nodded, lowering my head back down to the stack of pillows behind me. "I think you're probably right...I guess I just convinced myself that I'd become pregnant that very first day. But now I know that it just took Cole and me a little bit longer."
Katie smiled, picking up the ultrasound wand and applying it to my stomach again. "Well, now that you know that you only conceived about eleven weeks ago, you and Commander Marlowe can look at it as a blessing. Now the two of you have a few extra weeks to prepare for your baby's arrival."
I mustered a smile, hoping it was convincing. "Right."
After printing out several ultrasound pictures for me, Katie left to go to Cassie's house, and I remained in Cole's and my room, just thinking and stewing. I may not have cared how Cole had gotten me pregnant, but in the present, I cared that he had lied to me about the whole thing. I cared that he'd asked me to trust him, which I'd done, and then he'd betrayed that trust by being dishonest.
Suddenly, I felt like I didn't know him at all anymore. I felt like not only had he told me a lie, but that our whole relationship had been a lie. Like the lie he'd told me in the beginning had somehow negated all the love that had come afterward. And now, hurt and angry and confused, I really was pregnant with his child.
I took a bubble bath, hoping that the warm water would soothe me, but I just ended up crying the entire time I was in the tub, whipping up my emotions even further. Then, nauseated and weary, I tried to take a nap, but I couldn't stop sniffling long enough to fall asleep. I paced a little. I flipped open a paperback but gave up on reading when I realized I'd read the same paragraph three times without the words registering at all. Tossing the book on my nightstand, I considered calling Cole, to demand answers and have it out with them right then, wherever he was; but ultimately I decided that I wanted to see his face when I confronted him. I wanted to see if my pain hurt him at all, or if he'd been lying again the times that he'd said he loved me.
The only thing I couldn't understand, other than why he'd lied to me, was how I'd become sure that I was pregnant even before I apparently actually was. I supposed the power of suggestion might have had something to do with it, coupled with my frequent bouts of nausea and the absence of my period. However, since missing a few periods a year was normal for me, I figured that I probably shouldn't have taken the absence of one as any sort of proof.
I knew that my nausea had been completely real and not imagined, though, which I couldn't explain. Although I reasoned maybe that could simply be chalked up to the fact that my life had recently been in a state of complete upheaval, and I knew that major life changes and stresses could result in physical complaints and a general sense of feeling unwell. At any rate, I realized that I shouldn't have just assumed that all these things combined meant that I really was pregnant when Cole had said I was. I shouldn't have just eventually trusted him. I should have demanded a test.
Still in bed, I looked through the pictures of our tiny baby, starting up my waterworks yet again. I was still crying when a knock sounded at the door, and I flew up and out of bed, stupidly thinking that Cole might be home, but then I realized that he wouldn't be knocking on his own bedroom door.
Wiping my eyes with a tissue, I called out, asking who was there, thinking that maybe Katie had forgotten to give me some test or something. But the person on the other side of the door didn't respond verbally, just with a series of light knocks, two quick ones then a brief pause, followed by another two quick knocks. I realized it was Mary-Alice, tapping out the syllables of her name, which for some reason made my eyes refill with tears.
After dabbing them with the tissue again, I called out for her to come in, which she immediately did, stopping short with a look of horror on her face when she saw my own face, which I was sure was blotchy and puffy-eyed. But then, after just a second, some look of knowing recognition crossed her features, and she pulled me into a hug, squeezing me tightly for a few moments before releasing me
, pulling her pen and notepad from a pocket, and scrawling a message, which she then showed me.
I thought that it might be an emotional day...the first day you see a picture of your precious baby. I'd be crying with joy, too.
Having planned to explain away my tears this way, I nodded, sniffling. "I guess I'm just a little overcome by everything." I was a little overcome by everything, the only slight untruth, or maybe omitted truth, in my statement was what exactly "everything" was.
Smiling, Mary-Alice rubbed my back briefly, then wrote another message. I won't even ask to see the pictures yet, because I know you probably want to show Commander Marlowe first.
I nodded, dabbing at my eyes again. "Yes...I want to see him right away when he comes home."
Mary-Alice wrote that she understood, then asked if I wanted anything else in the meantime, like a snack or an early lunch. Surprising myself, I realized I was ravenous, even in the midst of my emotional upset, which maybe shouldn't have been surprising, considering that I'd only had a cup of tea and a slice of plain toast for breakfast since I'd been feeling queasy. I asked Mary-Alice if I could have an early lunch, and maybe a fairly large one, and she left the room smiling, gesturing for me to wait just one second. Always hesitant to make her exert herself, I would have just fixed my own lunch myself, but I'd come to realize that waiting on Cole and me truly seemed to make Mary-Alice happy. Whenever Cole or I insisted that we make, do, or fix something ourselves, she always just stood there wearing a disapproving frown.
She soon returned bearing a tray loaded with food, set it down, and then helped me into bed, even though I wasn't nearly pregnant enough to require any help just getting into bed. Next, she placed the tray over my lap, patted my shoulder, and then surprised me and melted my heart by planting a quick little peck on my cheek before leaving the room with a smile. This sweet little gesture of caring and affection restarted my waterworks, naturally, though they didn't last for long. I was far too hungry to let tears get in the way of me getting to a mouthwatering warm chicken breast, bacon, and Swiss sandwich Mary-Alice had fixed for me.
After I'd finished my large lunch, which also included sizable portions of fruit salad, vegetables and dip, homemade honey-wheat tiny pretzel twists, and homemade, extra-crunchy potato chips, in addition to tall glasses of milk and juice, I fell into a deep, possibly food coma induced, sleep. I only awoke briefly around three in the afternoon, when Cassie texted me saying that Katie had declared that all looked good with her pregnancy and wondering if I'd gotten the same news. I responded by saying that I was so happy for her and that I had indeed received the same good news, and that I was just hanging around the house waiting for Cole to come home. Then, still tired, I went back to sleep, wondering if extreme, near-debilitating lethargy was going to plague me my entire pregnancy.
I only emerged from the bedroom around seven in the evening, when I joined Mary-Alice for dinner in the kitchen, forcing myself to act normal and upbeat so that she wouldn't think anything was wrong and start to worry about me.
After dinner, which was pasta and sauce made with tomatoes from the community garden, the two of us watched a pre-Takeover era movie in Cole's den, which, like he'd said, was much more like a living room than the enormous bird room, which Eric Winthrop had designed as a living room. Normally, I loved pre-Takeover era movies, loved remembering what the world had been like before half of Hollywood had been reduced to rubble by Angels fighting shifters; but on this particular night, I found I just couldn't get into the film, which was a comedy. Several times, Mary-Alice laughed, with one hand covering her mouth, and I joined in feebly, again just so that she wouldn't think anything was wrong and start to worry about me.
When I went to bed that night, Cole still hadn't returned home, and I rolled over with my back turned toward his side of the bed, now not tearful, just angry about how he'd lied to me. So angry, in fact, that it took me an hour to fall asleep. Which also might have been due to the fact that I'd slept most of the day away, but the way I was stewing, even muttering out loud to myself, made me think that the first scenario was more likely the case.
However, several hours after I was finally able to fall asleep, I awoke with a start, flinging an arm out to reach for Cole. I wasn't even quite sure what exactly had even woke me up, other than some vague memory of an even vaguer dream where I'd been trying to run after Cole, or find him, or something. Now, though, I had no desire to run after him, or find him, or anything of the sort. I didn't care that my hand had just reached only empty space. Or so I told myself. Because I was only able to fall back asleep after curling up with the half of the blanket that still faintly held his scent, even though I was mad at myself for doing this.
The next morning, after a large breakfast, I returned to Cole's and my room and got in the shower. When I emerged, wrapped in a plush white robe, I found Cole standing by our bed, holding one of the ultrasound pictures that I'd placed on the nightstand. His eyes, slightly pink and shiny, immediately threatened to weaken my resolve to vent my anger on him for lying.
CHAPTER 13
The weakening of my resolve caused by Cole's clearly misty eyes while looking at our baby's picture only lasted for a second.
Then, gritting my teeth, I folded my arms across my chest. "Hello."
He looked from the picture to me with his shiny eyes appearing shinier still in a shaft of sunlight. "Is this really our baby? This tiny, perfect little thing?"
He was really, really testing my resolve to remain angry with him for his lying. "Yes. That's really our baby."
His expression of tenderness and wonderment suddenly changed to one of bewilderment. "What's wrong? Why do you seem upset? Is everything okay with the baby?"
"Everything is fine with the baby."
"Then, what's wrong? Why do you seem angry?"
"Because I am angry. At you."
After setting the picture back on the nightstand, Cole came over to where I stood, frowning. "Why are you mad at me? Tell me what I did."
The fact that he'd even had to ask what he'd done was almost too much for me, and I scoffed. "Really? You need me to spell out exactly why I'm mad at you? Seriously?"
Wincing slightly, he began trying to guide me over to the bed by the shoulders, probably since he couldn't take my hands since I had my arms still tightly folded across my chest. "Here...let's go sit down and talk."
Becoming even angrier, I shook his hands off my shoulders. "I'll sit down and talk, but do not touch me."
"All right. That's fine, and I won't."
Although it seemed that he'd possibly been trying to play dumb, something in his eyes told me that he now realized exactly why I was mad at him, and he was dreading hearing me say it. That was too bad, though, because I was going to say it anyway.
Once we were sitting next to each other on the side of the bed, slightly turned toward each other, I spoke first, with my arms still folded tightly across my chest. "Katie did an ultrasound, and it revealed that the gestational age of our baby is only eleven weeks. Not thirteen, plus a few days, as it should be if I was already carrying your child when you said I was. And in case you're going to say something like maybe our baby is just smaller-than-average at this point, don't even bother. Katie says it doesn't look like that's the case, and that instead, it just looks like I'm carrying a barely-eleven-weeks-since-conception-old baby who is developing perfectly normally. Meaning, I likely became pregnant the first night we slept together. Not earlier, even though you told me from the very first day you brought me here that I was carrying your child. Meaning that you have some explaining to do. I told you weeks ago that I didn't care how the hell you got me pregnant, and I stand by that. I really stopped caring. But I do care now that I apparently was not pregnant when you said I was."
"But you were, Lauren. You-"
"Look. Do you want me to call up Katie right this second, and have her tell you-"
"No. I believe that our baby is the gestational age that she says it is. But I also mai
ntain that at least to me, you were pregnant with our child when I said you were. It had already happened."
"Well, you're going to have to explain yourself a little better to me. Because-"
"In the future. It had already happened in the future...which I saw when I saw you in my dreams. I've been seeing you for years. You...your face...and your beautiful smile, which was what made me fall in love with you in my dreams. Your smile was and is so gorgeous that it instantly pierced my heart. The first time I saw it, it was so sweet that I actually felt physical pain...I felt like I'd been stabbed in the chest...because you weren't with me. You were just part of the gossamer fabric of a dream.
"I didn't know if you really even existed, but I just felt in my soul that you did. Then, starting several months ago, I had other dreams about you. Dreams about your life...dreams about you coming to North Haven. Then, I had a dream about you with a big, round stomach, as pregnant as can be...and even in the dream, my gut told me that the child was mine, and that I was seeing something that would happen in the future.
"This dream was followed by one of you holding a newborn in your arms...with your smile just as gorgeous as the first time I saw it. When all the dreams finally stopped, I took it as a sign that you'd arrived in North Haven...and I was right. It was then that I knew that I had to come get you soon in order to make my dreams of you, and our baby, and our happy family a reality. I knew I had to take action in order to move destiny along."
I had no idea what I'd been expecting Cole to say, but I knew that all this hadn't been it. In fact, everything he'd said had rendered me shocked speechless, and he continued, looking deeply into my eyes.
"I'm not just an Angel and a shifter; I'm a seer. Sometimes...and certainly not frequently...but sometimes, I'm able to see the future through dreams. I get little snapshots of things...things that end up actually happening in life the vast majority of the time. I've had this dream gift since I was a little boy, having a series of psychic dreams at least once every couple of years. And once I see a particular event in a dream, time ceases to remain linear for me in regards to that particular thing. Because in my mind, the thing has already happened, and is actually, in fact, still happening, just somewhere else on a circular wheel of time. I see it like the thing is yet to happen, is currently happening, and yet is even in the past all at the same time. Do you see what I'm saying? Once I see something, I can't see time in regards to that thing as linear anymore. It's not possible for me."