Marry Me...Again

by Cheryl St. John

  “If you intended to be here, then you should have stayed and not flown off when you knew we had plans.”

  “I had plenty of time.”

  “Or you just didn’t care whether or not you got back in time.”

  “Brynn, I said I was sorry. What more can I do now?”

  “Sorry doesn’t fix a thing. You should have stayed. My whole family is here—except you—and my parents, of course. They never show up for anyone’s birthday, either.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “Isn’t it? My steak’s getting cold. I’ll see you when you get around to coming home.” She turned the phone off and tossed it into her purse.

  Seeing her face, Melanie asked, “What did he say?”

  Brynna took her seat. “He’s grounded in Washington.”

  “I’ll bet he’ll really be grounded when you get ahold of him,” Tuck said, jokingly.

  “I’m not his mother,” Brynna replied, not amused. “He can do whatever he da—” She glanced at the younger boys and picked up her fork. “Darn well pleases.”

  After a few minutes of stilted conversation, Brynna lightened her mood for the sake of her little brother’s party and they finished their meal. After the dishes were done, Tuck opened his gifts, finding practical things, like laundry bags and towels from Melanie, an alarm clock and a Game Boy game from Kurt, and Brynna had purchased a laptop computer as a gift from herself and Devlin.

  Tuck’s eyes lit up. He discarded the packing, plugging it in and figuring out how to use it. Within minutes he had it connected to the internet and was showing the boys children’s sites and places to download games.

  “This is way cool, sis,” Tuck told her and gave her a hug. “Now I won’t have to go to the library or borrow someone’s PC. Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome. Remember, there’s a word-processing program in there for your assignments, too.”

  He grinned. She had always been the one to enforce homework and study time. Thank goodness, because he’d earned scholarships, just as she and Kurt had before him. Melanie was the only one who hadn’t been interested in school or college. She’d always single-mindedly wanted to get married.

  Melanie sliced cake and Brynna scooped ice cream, Brynna was just starting to eat her portion when her beeper pulsed at her waist. Her pulse raced at the thought of Dev paging her, but this time it was the clinic. Brynna called to discover a fireman had been brought in with minor burns.

  “What’s going on?” she asked Rae Ann.

  “A fire started on Logan’s Hill,” her friend replied. “It’s spreading through the forest.”

  “Oh, no.”

  “And there’s more bad news.”

  “What?” Brynna asked.

  “Firefighters found two partially burned bodies where the fire started. So far, they haven’t released any names. But you’re the doctor on call.”

  “I’ll be there.”

  The firefighter wasn’t badly injured. After treating and releasing him, she drove home to an empty house. The spreading fire was a scary situation. She felt vulnerable and alone, and told herself her hormones were getting the best of her, because she never felt this way. When midnight rolled around, Dev had still not returned and she finally fell into a restless sleep.

  Dev slid on his sunglasses against the June sun and studied the smoke rising from the horizon where firefighters still fought the blaze that had started the night before. Logan’s Hill was a good fifteen miles from the Holmes Ranch, so to be visible from here, the fire must be a serious threat.

  He turned to unload cartons of new salt holders and grain feeders from the bed of his Ford Lariat pickup. Colby had decided that it was time to get the barn in shape and update its features before hay had to be cut and cattle rounded up come late summer and fall.

  Unconsciously, Dev wondered if he’d still be working the ranch when fall came. So far the cowboy life suited him well. He’d learned a lot about training and caring for the horses, as well as the everyday tasks, and he was comfortable with the job. But the call of the wide-open sky was a lure he couldn’t resist, and when the itch to fly hit him, he had to take a few days off and scratch it. Did that make him irresponsible?

  In the four days since his wife had blown him away with the news of her pregnancy, he’d been thinking a lot about responsibility. And after last night’s fiasco of missing Tuck’s birthday and getting the cold shoulder when he’d seen her this morning, he wondered all the more.

  After stacking all the cartons inside the barn, he hung his hat, flipped open his pocketknife and opened the boxes. It took several minutes to find the proper tools and set about installing the feeders in the stalls, and the task gave him ample time to think.

  He’d never considered himself irresponsible. But then, he didn’t have many responsibilities. He had attorneys who handled his investments and paid his taxes. He showed up for an occasional stockholders’ meeting and had to sign papers and approve decisions, but other than that, his time was his own. He didn’t want any part of his father’s business, even though he’d taken a lot of flack for not joining his father and older brother.

  Over the past few years, he’d tried his hand at the lumber business, construction and now ranching—all outdoor jobs. It wasn’t that he hadn’t found anything he liked; it was that he liked everything and wanted to try it all.

  But a man with a kid needed to be solid and dependable—needed to be there at all times. A trickle of perspiration rolled down his temple. Dev removed his shirt and used it to wipe his forehead. The role of a father was the last one he’d ever expected to fall into. Sure, he’d thought that someday he and Brynna would have kids…but that time had been far away in his obscure future—not in just thirty-two short weeks!

  He was barely getting the hang of being a husband, let alone a dad to a small needy human being. The mere thought frightened the wits out of him. How could Brynna accept unexpected parenthood so serenely?

  She knew what she wanted, he realized, and what she wanted included her medical career, a husband and a family. He hadn’t known he’d wanted a wife until he’d met her. And once he had, there hadn’t been a doubt in his mind that she was the one.

  Maybe once he saw their baby—once the kid was real, he’d feel the same. He would know their child was what he wanted, too.

  He’d thought they were going to have a couple of years to play at marriage and be newlyweds. There was so much he wanted to share with her—to show her—places she’d never been. She’d worked her way through medical school and had sacrificed for her brothers and sister, and she deserved some time to enjoy life. He could give her that.

  Dev paused with his hand on a stall gate, realization flooding over him like a bright light. His wife wanted a family. A baby. He had already given her that. A completely male sense of pride accompanied that thought. So be it. Maybe parenthood was happening sooner than he’d had time to plan for, but it was happening, so he could appreciate that. He could be happy.

  Brynna had seemed quiet and withdrawn the last couple of days, undoubtedly because of his reaction. He’d disappointed her. On top of that, he’d blown it by not showing up for Tuck’s party. She had a right to be mad.

  She had to work late tonight, pull her Saturday-night shift at the clinic, but he would fix a late supper and surprise her with something special. He imagined her pleasure and her smile and knew everything would be okay. It had to be. The rift between them these past few days was unbearable, and he meant to fix it.

  He’d finished turning the last screw and was filling the salt holders when a ringing sound caught his ear. Remembering he’d left his cell phone on the seat of the truck, he hurried outside. Brynna often called him when she had a few minutes, and he didn’t want to miss her call. The number on the caller ID indicated Rumor Family Clinic. “Hey, sweet thing,” he said into the phone.

  “Thanks,” a voice replied. “But this is Rae Ann Benton. We just put Brynna in a bed and are getting ready to do an exa
m and an ultrasound.”

  Dev’s chest felt like a horse had kicked it, and he struggled for a breath to ask, “What happened?”

  His imagination conjured up all kinds of accidents and confrontations with unstable patients.

  “Can’t say for sure yet, but it looks like she’s at risk of losing the baby.”

  Dev’s heart dropped to his feet.

  Chapter Six

  “I’ll be right there.” Dev tossed the phone down, shrugged into his shirt and vaulted into the driver’s seat. He paused with his forehead on the steering wheel for a minute—collecting himself? Praying?

  “Dev?” Ash McDonough, a ranch hand, paused in leading a horse toward the barn, halting the animal beside the truck.

  Dev sat up and started the engine. “Tell Colby I had to go into town. I’ll call him.”

  “Everything okay?” Ash asked. “Is this about the fire?”

  “No, it’s my wife. I don’t know if everything’s okay.” The truck left a dust trail all the way down the drive. This was his fault because he hadn’t been more supportive. And he’d upset her last night. No, that was nuts. Everything was going to be all right. Brynna wanted this baby more than anything, and nothing was going to happen. He wanted this baby, too, he realized, and panic made his heart hammer. It would be okay. Brynna was at the clinic. They would know what to do. She would know what to do—she was a doctor!

  The drive was interminable—when he finally reached the clinic and parked haphazardly in a tow zone, he shoved open the glass doors and ran to the desk. After being directed, he hurtled past nurses and carts to the room indicated. Brynna was lying on a bed behind a green curtain, still wearing her scrubs, an IV in the back of her hand.

  Dev rushed to her side and placed his hand on her knee which was covered by a thin white blanket. “Is everything okay?” he asked.

  A tear squeezed from the corner of her eye, and she pressed her pale lips together before saying in a shaky voice. “No.”

  Heart thundering, careful of the needle in her hand, he rested his palm on her arm. “Tell me.”

  “I’m losing the baby, Dev.”

  Oh, Lord. Dev was stunned speechless. Why? Why had this happened? A million thoughts tumbled for prominence in his head, the one first and fore most being her devastation at this loss. “Can’t they do something?”

  She shook her head. “My cervix is dilated, and the ultrasound showed the—” she stumbled over the word “—fetus is not alive.”

  She wiped tears away with her other hand. “This early in pregnancy, it’s known as spontaneous abortion. Sort of a natural selection process, probably a chromosomal or genetic abnormality. Or it’s possible my body didn’t produce adequate hormones or that I had an immune reaction to the embryo.”

  Dev listened to her medical explanation, understanding it, and yet not relating the terminology to the baby they’d been expecting. “I’m so sorry,” he said softly, inadequately, his mind numb.

  Her lower lip quivered, and he leaned forward to hold her where she lay. She wrapped her free arm around his neck and hugged him tightly.

  “We’ll get through this,” he assured her, feeling helpless.

  “I know.” Her words were muffled against his damp shirt. “It’s just…no matter how professional I try to be…”

  “You don’t have to be professional,” he told her. “It was our baby.” He leaned away to look at her and smooth her hair from her face.

  She laid her head back against the pillows and blinked up at him, tears on her lashes. God, it hurt to see her like this.

  “I thought we’d have a baby for Christmas,” she said. “I was going to make stockings for the three of us.”

  An ache lodged in Dev’s heart and he wanted to shed tears with her. He didn’t. He forced himself to be the strong one. He tried to think of something— anything—to comfort her. “We’ll have another baby,” he promised.

  She nodded, obviously uncomforted, and it had been a lame attempt anyway. The idea of a baby had begun to grow on him, and if he felt this awful—as if a knife was twisting his guts—she must feel worse. He felt so bad—for her and for him, and in desperation he sought words to comfort her, to make her see beyond this tragic moment. He had to fix this.

  “We have our trip to Kenya planned for next spring,” he reminded her. “Remember our safari flight? What would we have done with a baby? We have so much we want to do. This way, we’ll be able to do all the things we planned, and we can always have a baby later.”

  As soon as the stricken expression crossed her face, he knew he’d said the wrong thing. Dread encased his heart and he wanted to bang his head against the nearest wall for his stupid blunder.

  She looked at him with hurt and disappointment so deep, he knew it touched her soul. He was an idiot. “You want to do all those things, Dev,” she said, “I don’t. I wanted this baby.”

  He couldn’t think of a word to say around the size-twelve foot in his mouth. He opened and closed his lips, working on an apology. “I wanted this baby, too,” he said at last.

  “I want you to leave,” she said, closing her eyes and turning her head away. She didn’t believe him. How could she?

  “I want to be here with you.”

  “I’m sure you’ll find better entertainment for the afternoon,” she replied sarcastically. As though all he cared about was having a good time.

  Unfair as it was, the barb hurt.

  “Just leave me alone,” she added.

  “How long will you have to stay here?”

  “Just long enough to make sure the—miscarriage is complete.” Her voice trembled. “I’ll go home after that.”

  Dumbfounded, cursing himself for his inadequacy, he took a step back, but said, “I’ll wait outside.”

  “I don’t want you to.”

  The ache in his heart widened to a chasm, and he unconsciously flattened a palm over it in disbelief. She was hurting. But she was shutting him out. He was in pain, too. Couldn’t she see that? Hurt turning swiftly to anger, he spun on his boot heel and stormed away.

  Outside, the Montana sun beat down on his head, and he wondered absently where he’d left his hat. He stood beside the truck for a minute, collecting himself, wondering where to go, what to do. His world had been shaken—to its very center—and he had no idea what to do to fix it.

  Brynna stared at the ceiling and fought the sobs that threatened to burst from her. If she started crying, she feared she’d never stop. They would have to sedate her and they’d send for a counselor. She knew what was wrong with her, and she knew full well what she was experiencing. At Dev’s words, the full impact of her husband’s character had washed over her in a sickening wave.

  His reaction to her pregnancy had been more than a disappointment. But his reaction today had broken her heart. He’d been relieved! A weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Anything that prevented him from having a good time was a burden—like a baby—like her. And she didn’t want to be that burden. If he didn’t want to settle down and make a family, she wasn’t going to beg him.

  Rae Ann appeared and took her blood pressure, her calm professional touch comforting Brynna in a way Dev’s hadn’t.

  Brynna hoped this ordeal would be over soon.

  By six that evening, she left the clinic and Emma drove her home. It had been embarrassing to tell the older woman that she’d sent Dev away, but she’d had to in order to keep Emma from calling him to come get her. “You take a few days off to collect yourself,”

  Emma told her, without expecting an explanation. “Do as Dr. Dominic advised.”

  “I’m fine. I’ll be able to come in.”

  “You may be physically okay, but emotionally you need some time. Trust me, I know.”

  “This has happened to you?” Brynna asked.

  Emma nodded. “Twice.”

  Early miscarriage was common and many of Brynna’s colleagues believed that every woman had at least one during her reproductive years, but t
hat didn’t make the reality any easier when it was personal. “Maybe I’ll stay home for a couple of days.”

  “You do that.” Emma parked in the drive.

  Brynna stared at the pickup in front of the garage and finally opened the door to get out. “Thanks again.”

  She entered the house, where several lamps were lit and the stereo was playing softly. Dev came from the kitchen and stopped when he saw her.

  “You okay, Brynn?”

  She nodded, laying down her bags. As okay as could be expected, considering she’d lost a baby and a dream in the same afternoon.

  “I fixed something I could warm up easily.”

  She had smelled the food, but the thought of eating didn’t appeal to her. “I don’t want anything.”

  “You should eat.”

  She looked at him. He cared about her. He just didn’t have the least inclination toward any of the things she held dear. She’d made a big mistake in marrying him, and she could no longer deny it. The truth had finally caught up with her, tackled her and slapped her in the face.

  “Here.” He moved to where he’d prepared a cozy-looking nest of sheets and pillows on the sofa. “Come put your feet up.”

  The rigid control she’d always had over her life had slipped so dangerously, Brynna didn’t know herself anymore. Ever since she’d met this man, she’d made bad choices, illogical choices, and that frightened her. She was losing everything. Control. Patience. Direction.

  She’d lost her baby, and life had never seemed so bleak. But it would get worse. With what she had to say next, she would lose the man she loved as well. But she had to be honest and save herself. Her heart was already broken, so there was nothing more to lose. What could feel worse than this?

  Their relationship would never work. Deep down she’d known it from the very beginning. It had taken this day to make her face the cold hard fact.

  Brynna took a deep breath and met his eyes. From somewhere deep inside, she found the courage to say what she had to.