Past, Future, & Present Danger (Book Two of The Absurd Misadventures of Captain Rescue)

by Joshua Price

  “What are you doing with the prisoner?” their interrogator asked.

  “Transporting him,” Harold replied authoritatively.

  Unable to understand what the two were saying, Captain Rescue waved at the suspicious bigfoot with a stupid grin on his face.

  “Where are you taking him?”

  “He’s going to be sacrificed to the great spirits.”

  “The spirits will cherish such a scrumptious offering,” the yeti said as he eyed Captain Rescue and licked his lips.

  The hero did not need a translator to understand where this was headed. He assumed a most sexy pose and licked his lips, prompting Harold to knock the small of his back with the staff. Captain Rescue cringed, straightened up, and stopped trying to seduce the primate.

  “Yes, as you know, all sacrifices have to be done at an altar on the surface,” Harold continued.

  “Very well. Tie him up, though, so he doesn’t run.”

  “Good advice,” Harold said as he whacked the back of Captain Rescue’s legs, dropping the hero to his knees.

  Still unsure what everyone was talking about, the hero took the act completely wrong and shuffled towards the bigfoot. He closed his eyes and opened his mouth wide. The yeti, in return, shoved the barrel of his rifle down his throat. Harold the Shaman grabbed the hero’s shoulders and yanked him off the ground. Not wanting Captain Rescue’s eccentricities to attract any more attention, they headed straight for the ramp.

  “Wait a second!” the bigfoot yelled as they started ascending, “I remember you know!”

  “Run!” Harold yelled in English.

  Captain Rescue was first out of the tunnel, but that did not last long at all (these primates did have large strides). As the bigfoot weaved around the hero, one of them snatched him up and tossed him over his shoulder. The hero did not know whether to feel like a damsel in distress or a child—he opted for damsel, and as a vulnerable damsel should, he whipped out his laser rifle and fired at the bigfoot closing in from behind.

  “Giddy up horsey!” he cheered as he smacked the bigfoot’s ass.

  As should have been expected, the bigfoot reacted adversely to Captain Rescue’s disrespectful ass slap. The burly beast dropped the less burly superhero to the ground and then looked at him sternly. The hero raised into the air like a baby wanting its father to pick him up. The baby started to bawl as its daddy ran off into the forest, leaving him to die. Surrounded by forest trees, Captain Rescue slowly pivoted in place until he could see the horde of bigfoot after them.

  “Wow, I’m quite important,” he exclaimed before pivoting again, more quickly, and sprinting after the less brainwashed bigfoot.

  Chapter 3: Search and Rescue; Run or Die

  Charlie stood upon the thickest branch of the tallest tree and surveyed the forest around him. He had climbed up here to get a better view, and because, as far as he knew, no one had ever climbed a tree in a bunny outfit and lived to tell the tale. It would give him quite the story to tell his grandchildren, his rabbit grandchildren. Charlie looked down from the tree-lined sky and could see Freight approaching a giant brown log.

  As he lifted up the fallen log and checked underneath it for the missing hero, Dr. Malevolent turned and snarled at him, “Are you just trying to get on my nerves?”

  Freight dropped the log. “We must leave no stone unturned. He couldn’t have gotten far.”

  “I don’t think that saying is meant to be taken literally. There are a lot of stones in this forest.”

  “I choose what is taken literally,” Freight said as he wandered deeper into the forest on the hunt for more stones to turn.

  Dr. Malevolent watched the giant man wander into the forest and pondered on his inevitable recruitment into her little organization, a criminal organization she refused to name in hopes of using that namelessness to instill some sense of mystique and mystery. As the corner of her mouth lifted slightly with a smile, there was a loud crack behind her. Dr. Malevolent swung around just as a blue blur crashed into the ground.

  “I’m okay,” the blur said as it picked itself up off the forest floor.

  “I warned you before you climbed up there, but no, you said that you had to do it.”

  Charlie dusted himself off without saying a word, not that he really had the chance.

  “I found something!” Freight yelled from off in the distance.

  Charlie and Dr. Malevolent looked at each other and then erupted into a sprint. Trees whizzed past, and within a few seconds, they could see Freight towering over something.

  “It’s a dead squirrel,” Charlie said stoically as they arrived.

  “Yes, but how did it die?” Freight asked with a wild look in his eyes.

  “I’ll just ask this once, ‘Did you kill the squirrel?’”

  “My skills are too honed for a little critter like this. It would be a waste of my talent.”

  Their voices faded away as Dr. Malevolent looked over her shoulder and intently focused on something she heard.

  “Quiet!” Dr. Malevolent commanded, “I can hear something.”

  “What is it?” Charlie asked.

  Dr. Malevolent walked forward, passing between Freight and Charlie and stepping on the poor little squirrel’s corpse. “I don’t know, but it’s definitely familiar.” She walked forward a few more steps, dropped to her knees, and then placed her ear to the ground. “It’s coming from down here.”

  Charlie dropped to his knees to do the same, but as he tried to press his ear to the ground, he realized that giant bunny heads made listening to dirt rather tricky. He just rose to his feet, playing the entire thing off and hoping nobody really noticed.

  “It’s laser fire,” she said plainly, “I’d recognize it anywhere.”

  Freight scratched his head. “Lasers… underground? You don’t suppose those weird apes have anything to do with this?”

  “Last I checked,” Dr. Malevolent began, “those monkeys didn’t have the technology for indoor plumbing let alone lasers.”

  Right beneath them, a laser shot out of the ground and traveled into the sky like a firework failing to explode. Dr. Malevolent, Charlie, and Freight all dropped to their knees and peered inside the narrow cylindrical hole left behind, bumping their heads together as they fought for space. Down the hole, dimly lit brown blobs ran across their field of vision.

  “Well, I guess that answers a few questions,” Dr. Malevolent said as she lifted herself off the ground.

  Freight looked up to her. “I didn’t have any questions.”

  “That really doesn’t surprise me in the least. But here, let me spell it out for you. Bigfoot. Bigfoot with lasers. Bigfoot with lasers battling something or someone. Captain Rescue missing.”

  Freight, remaining as nonchalant as ever, stood up, walked to Dr. Malevolent, grabbed her with one hand, and lifted her from the ground. The giant man pulled her face to his. “I didn’t have any questions and I didn’t need any answers. Do you understand?”

  Dr. Malevolent nodded. Through the entire experience she could not stop thinking about how much should needed to recruit this guy, and coincidentally, those were the same thoughts to pass through Charlie’s bunny head. He loved the thought of someone in the organization that could possibly keep the tyrannical leader in check. Satisfied that Dr. Malevolent had learned her lesson in manners, Freight dropped the woman; as she hit the ground, the entire forest rumbled. Freight and Charlie both shot suspicious glances her way.

  “Don’t look at me,” she said. “I ate a light lunch.”

  “Well, if it wasn’t you,” Charlie started, “then…”

  Another rumble reverberated through the forest.

  As Freight slid Courtney out of his belt and Dr. Malevolent slid her inanimate carbon rod from its holster, the ground shook once more.

  “Yeah,” Charlie continued, “this is all a little too familiar.”

  The trees shook as a roar carried through the forest.

  “Yeah, real familiar,” he repe
ated.

  Dr. Malevolent glanced down at her rod and then slid it back into its holster. She patted it gently with the knowledge that it would be of little use. The snapping of twigs and cracking of branches grew closer as the intensity of the quakes increased. They looked at each other and were unsure whether to run, hide, or stand their ground. As another roar echoed through the trees, they decided that yes—they should run, but it was too late. Through the thicket of trees, a mammoth pink form strutted into the open without taking notice of trio standing below. Their longtime friend, the pink Tyrannosaurus Rex, had come for a visit. Their hearts stopped beating and then began again in unison. The dinosaur raised its snout into the air and sniffed inquisitively. Maybe these beasts could smell fear—or at least this one could, but then again, this one was pink. Its natural color, as well as logic, had been thrown out the window.

  Dr. Malevolent sucked in some air, took a single step backwards, and then stepped on the one fallen twig in a hundred mile radius, causing a snap that echoed through the trees. As the super villain scrunched her shoulders together and winced, the pink head shot downward and slanted with curiosity as it searched for her. The dinosaur took a single step forward, gouging deep gashes into the dirt with its massive talons.

  Off to the side, Freight looked to Courtney and then to Charlie, begging with his eyes for the go ahead to unleash a world of hurt upon this oversized pink lizard. As subtly as he could, not to draw the attention of said oversized lizard, Charlie lifted his hands up from his waist and commanded the giant man to stop. With a confused face, Freight looked back at him, and then for the first time ever, the bunny wished that his face could portray an entire range of emotions, and not just stupidly delighted. Regardless, Charlie shook his head softly from left to right, and somehow the message found its way to Freight, who now wished he could instead unleash a world of hurt upon an oversized blue bunny.

  The dinosaur, however, had its own hurt ready to unleash upon Dr. Malevolent—if it could find her, which for the moment was not happening. Camouflaged badly against tree bark, the super villain stood motionless as her aggressor sniffed the air trying to pinpoint her location. When its nose proved ineffective, the dinosaur turned to the next best thing. Out rolled its tongue and it waved it through the air searching for a taste of the prey it sought. Dr. Malevolent took one look at that moist, pustule-covered tongue and began strafing around the side of the tree just as that pink hunk of love came in for a lick. She narrowly avoided the tongue as it scraped the tree bark, prompting a deep, unpleasant cough from the dinosaur as it shook its head from left to right.

  As the gigantic beast shared its discomfort with everyone else, Dr. Malevolent could not help but to laugh. As any experienced adventurer knew, laughing in and around carnivorous beasts was a sure way to draw its attention. The super villain may not have been the most experienced of adventurers, but as the beast stepped around the tree and its reptilian eyes narrowed on her, she knew no good was to come. The Tyrannosaurus Rex unhinged its jaw and a most thunderous bellow emanated from the recesses of its chest. Dr. Malevolent did not know what to do. Should she run? Should she hide? Should she bulk up in order to appear more intimidating to the predator? She shook her head—that would never work. Just as the thought of taking up residence inside the stomach of a dinosaur settled, a voice called from behind the massive wall.

  “Hey, why don’t you pick on someone your own size?!” Freight yelled.

  The pink blur spun around and saw a mountain of a man standing before it, shotgun in its hands. It bent over, tiny arms dangling from its chest, and stood face to face with its aggressor as Dr. Malevolent ran to Charlie’s side. Freight, never ever one to turn down a challenge, leaned forward, pressed the tip of his nose against and the snout of the dinosaur, and growled. The dinosaur opened its mouth so Freight could see the rows of serrated ten-inch teeth.

  He turned to the others. “Okay, we can run.”

  Dr. Malevolent had already started, leaving her less prepared allies in the dust. She would not allow something so pink to waylay her grand schemes of world domination. The super villain glanced over her shoulder and saw Freight and Charlie closing in fast. Closing in even faster behind them was the pink Tyrannosaurus Rex, which appeared to be having some trouble navigating through the thick foliage even if its feet crushed the vast majority of it. Dr. Malevolent looked forward to make sure no trees were about to greet her head on, and then glanced over her shoulder once more. The giant pink head was failing miserably to catch the slippery pair between its teeth. They were just too quick. Freight even mocked the dinosaur as it tried to eat him, telling it that he would be able to eat the “pink freak” if he were in its shoes.

  She swung her head forward just in time to see the giant tree in her path. Some fancy footwork ensued and Dr. Malevolent whizzed right around it as the bark scraped her skin. Behind her, Freight and Charlie split around the same tree, and milliseconds after that, a loud crash accompanied the dinosaur’s decision that going around the gigantic tree was too much effort.

  Annoyed from the splinters now covering its snout, the dinosaur honed in and tried harder than ever to catch these mice. As the animal galloped, its peanut sized brain wondered why there had not been any of its usual prey to hunt. It had been stuck with these small, two legged things for months now—some of them quite hairy. Where were those tasty Triceratops or scrumptious Stegosauruses? And why the hell had its skin changed to this weird color? The dinosaur forced these distractions from its tiny mind and focused. It was far too stubborn to let these delectable morsels get away. Sure, there might have been much slower and much dumber prey within this expansive forest, but with each lunge they dodged, with each mammoth stride they wove around, and with each tree the dinosaur had to tear its way through, its convictions became more cemented. It was going to eat these things.

  Dr. Malevolent refused to slow down. Every so often, she would glance over her shoulder to make sure that Charlie and Freight had not become dinosaur appetizers. They were safe for now, but that would not last much longer; that damn fossil had ridiculous stamina. They had to find some place out of the way to hide. She pressed herself harder while her relentless arm swinging drove her forever forward. For a moment, she considered sliding off her lab coat, but the super villain quickly did away with that ridiculous notion. Dr. Malevolent would not be Dr. Malevolent without the white lab coat. Even if it meant a prehistoric beast bit her head off. She checked to see how Freight and Charlie were doing, and when she saw that they had drifted farther away from her, she felt oddly proud of herself.

  The trees began to thicken, and the excitement within Dr. Malevolent welled. They could definitely hide in here. As she vanished within the foliage, that welling excitement faded almost instantly. She had misjudged the depth of this thicket, and no sooner had the trees swallowed her had they spit the super villain right back out again—and coincidentally into the outskirts of a large clearing. Dr. Malevolent screeched to a halt and spun around, but before she could find her way back into the thicket, Charlie and Freight came flying out. They crashed directly into her and sent the three of them to the ground.

  The pink Tyrannosaurus Rex burst through the trees just as they were helping each other to their feet. It hovered over them, clearly under the impression that it had won this chase. All three of them looked behind at once, trying to decide if they could possibly flee in that direction, but the towering cliff that encircled the back half of this clearing made any chances at escape unlikely. Dr. Malevolent started to dash to her left, but the dinosaur was quick to cut her off with a chuckle-like growl. She darted to her right, and the dinosaur cut her off again.

  The super villain’s shoulders sank as she looked to Freight and Charlie. “I think this is the part where we get eaten.”

  Just before those mammoth jaws could take a bite out of any of them, a slew of shouts fell from the cliff . Since these shouts were certainly not of a prehistoric nature, the three would-be dinosaur appetizer
s ran in that direction. Their retreat must have wronged the dinosaur in the worst ways imaginable, for it went into an utter rage, foaming at the mouth and spewing spit all over. As its arms dangled uselessly from its chest, it took off after the trio. By the time they closed in on the cliff side, with any luck, the Tyrannosaurus Rex would reveal its crippling fear of vertical walls or things might get rather ugly.

  Once at the cliff, the trio plastered their backs against the tightly packed earth and gazed upwards hoping that the source of those shouts would soon give them some way out of this Jurassic mess. Either that or that the dinosaur would simply turn tail and run from its biggest nemesis: the cliff, but as that giant pink lizard headed for them, the beast made no signs of fleeing—or stopping, which opened up a completely new set of issues. Hopefully, its peanut-sized brain would realize any second now that it cannot lead its master headfirst into a giant wall.

  Really though, these creatures ruled the planet for millions of years. If they had the inclination to ram headfirst into pure rock, they probably would not have made it that far. The dinosaur threw its mammoth foot forward, dug its talons into the ground, and forced its body to halt. With its prey right where it wanted them, the dinosaur threw its tiny little arms into the air as best it could and let out an ear-piercing shriek that conveyed just how annoying chasing after them had been. Then, those mammoth jaws came in for a bite. Dr. Malevolent, Charlie, and Freight all looked at each other and gulped.

  Before any teeth could find their way into any hunks of flesh, a flurry of lasers erupted from the tree-lined cliff side. The would-be prey gazed upwards as the barrage of red lines pelted the dinosaur. It stumbled backwards, startled by these crazy lights it had never seen before. They stung, but it would take more than a few rays of light to pierce its thick hide. As more lasers shot out from the trees, the dinosaur abandoned its prey and roared at its unknown assailants.