Past, Future, & Present Danger (Book Two of The Absurd Misadventures of Captain Rescue)

by Joshua Price

  Freight had a thing or two against someone manhandling his wife and spoke up to prove it, “Don’t you touch her! I will kill you!”

  The alpha just laughed and shook his hairy head, then smacked Freight across the face with his own shotgun.

  Freight easily shook it off and yelled back, “Is that all you’ve got?!”

  The alpha laughed once more and then turned the shotgun vertically and slammed its stock down on Freight’s head. He went limp immediately, but it would take a lot more than that to kill him. He tossed the shotgun to one of his underlings and then motioned to the other prisoners.

  “Tie them up,” the alpha said.

  The apes bound Harold’s, Dr. Malevolent’s, and Charlie’s hands and feet together and lined them up behind Freight’s unconscious mound of a body. Captain Rescue, in possum form, was still motionless off to the side. Their leader gave a sharp whistle and a pair of bigfoot that carried a long metal pole emerged from the crowd. They marched up to the alpha and saluted with respect while holding the pole perfectly steady. Their leader pointed first at the bound heroes, then to the pole, and then nodded with a wicked smirk across his face. His underlings scurried over to their prisoners and began tying them to the pole like trophy game from a big hunt. The alpha whistled once more and another pair of underlings ran up to the pole, lifted it, and all four placed it upon their shoulders, leaving everyone but Captain Rescue dangling. He was still lying face down in the grass waiting for the perfect opportunity to leap up and rescue everyone, an opportunity that would probably never see the light of day.

  The pole bearers started to exit the battlefield, but the alpha ape stepped in their path and eyed them down. His underlings looked to their leader without a clue what he meant. He crossed his arms, stared at his men, and then motioned with his head for Captain Rescue. The brainwashed bigfoot just stared back at their master under the assumption that the hero was dead. The alpha rolled his eyes in annoyance and then marched over to the possum.

  “Ouch!” Captain Rescue yelped as the bigfoot kicked him in the side. He jumped to his feet and threw up his fists. “You wanna go?” he taunted the alpha, “I’ll go!”

  The bigfoot just stood there with his arms crossed and an expressionless look across his face.

  “Okay, if that’s how you wanna play it!” Captain Rescue shouted and he tossed a punch. His fist slammed against the armor covering the ape’s chest with a thud, and the hero yanked his hand back and shook the pain away.

  “Would you cut it out already?” Dr. Malevolent shouted as she hung from the pole. “Just let them tie you up so we can get moving.”

  The alpha nodded in agreement.

  “No, you’ll never take me!”

  The alpha shrugged and threw a single punch, and Captain Rescue dropped like a rock. Then, his men scurried up to the unconscious hero, tied him up, strung him from the pole, and then headed off for the settlement, where these prisoners would be promptly executed.

  Chapter 7: The Final Hours of the Condemned

  “You better let us out of here and give me back my wife, or by God, you damn dirty apes will be sorry!” Freight yelled as he slammed his fists against the sturdy metal bars of their prison cell.

  Behind him, laid out upon a bench and still unconscious from his boxing match with the alpha bigfoot, Captain Rescue groaned. Freight’s thrashing had finally awoken sleeping beauty. The hero opened one eye and tried to recollect the shenanigans that brought him here. As he swung his legs over the edge of the bench, his brain pieced together the memories. It all came rushing back to him: the battle, the defeat, being knocked out. Then Captain Rescue could remember awakening for a moment dangling from that pole as the bigfoot carried him and his friends through the forest. He had to admit the hanging sensation felt rather enjoyable the brief moment he could revel in it.

  Captain Rescue sat up, pushed himself forward, and then fell to his feet. He straightened his back and stretched as his eyes gradually adjusted to his surroundings. When he realized those surroundings were a deep dank hole, he did a quick systems check to assure that he had not been recently whipped or tortured in any way. While no doctor, all his bits felt like they were in proper order; save his pants, which sat loosely upon his waist. He looked down and gasped at his missing utility belt.

  “Oh, look who’s finally awake,” Dr. Malevolent teased after noticing the upright and conscious hero.

  Captain Rescue opened his mouth to reply, but all that came out was unintelligible gibberish. As it turned out, his brain was slow to boot and establishing vocal functions came last. Dr. Malevolent rose from the corner she had called her own for the past couple hours, stared back the invalid, and tried to decide if the whole experience was another fabrication meant to annoy.

  Finally, with his brain almost at full capacity, Captain Rescue just slid his tongue from his mouth and blew at Dr. Malevolent. She turned her head away from him, questioning why she even tried interacting with the idiot in the first place. Captain Rescue then focused on their bigfoot allies, who were grooming each other as apes should while they sat huddled in the corner of the room. As Harold sat facing the wall, the two apes directly behind him sifted through his fur with their thick fingers. Occasionally, one of them would pick something from the matted ape hair and then toss it into his mouth. Captain Rescue considered joining in until he remembered that instead of hair, dirt and ghastly wounds covered his back.

  As the hero approached the cell’s entrance, he kept as much distance from Freight as possible as he banged on the bars. Captain Rescue glanced into the adjacent hallway. It looked like their only method of escape, unless they wanted to dig their way out, which was certainly a possibility since their prison cell had an overabundance of dirt. He watched the slew of hairy apes patrol up and down the hallway, and then he waved at the ones guarding the cell doors. With any luck, Captain Rescue could initiate some kind of dialog and convince them, with the help of his crime fighting expertise, to free his friends and him.

  “Hey, come here!” he said to one of the apes.

  The bigfoot just slammed their fists against the cell and yelled something in their native tongue. He scoffed at them and backed away. In an attempt to come up with some scheme to get them out of here, Captain Rescue started to scratch his head, and then the scratching soon carried to his ear, where he slid his finger inside and rooted around. Soon thereafter, an idea suddenly hit him, and Captain Rescue ran over to Harold.

  “You talk to your spirits all the time, right?” he asked the shaman.

  “Yes, I commune with them regularly.”

  “Can’t you get them to let us out of here? To help us somehow?”

  “It’s not that simple, the spirits do not lend aid that easily, circumstances have to be of the utmost severity.”

  “Utmost severity? We’re trapped in a prison cell about to be executed… or worse, eaten!”

  “We bigfoot do not eat humans, and if the spirits felt we were in any sort of danger, they would have saved us by now.”

  “Your spirits are useless!” Captain Rescue growled as he slammed his foot against the ground in frustration. “I’ll find a way to get us out of here, a way that doesn’t include your spirits!”

  “Oh,” Dr. Malevolent laughed, “and just what might your great plan be?”

  Captain Rescue glanced to the guards outside the cell and then turned to the others. “In a moment, I will collapse and pretend to convulse, the guards will rush in to see what’s up, and then we will overpower them!”

  Charlie, who had spent the last few hours fixing the spots where apes had smashed in his soft plastic head, spoke up, “I have a better idea.” He lifted the bunny head, inspected it one last time, and then shoved it onto his shoulders regardless of the fact it was still missing an ear.

  “I’m all ears!” the hero replied enthusiastically.

  The bunny rabbit sighed at first, jealous that the hero was all ears while he was just one, but then Charlie smiled and opened h
is stomach-bound pouch and dug around. After a few seconds, out came a large light bulb in black casing. He pointed the strobe light at Captain Rescue, who could not figure out, for the life of him, what exactly was going on. Charlie flipped it on and almost instantly, the hero fell to the ground twitching uncontrollably.

  “Guards!” Charlie called.

  The nearest guard ignored him while Captain Rescue continued to twitch.

  “Guards!” he repeated.

  With a throaty grumble, the brainwashed bigfoot approached the cage. He took one look at Charlie and the twitching hero and then shrugged his shoulders without saying a word.

  “But he’s in dire need of assistance! Shouldn’t you open the cell to check on him?”

  The hairy primate grunted, “No.”

  “Your superiors won’t be upset if you let a prisoner twitch to death?”

  “No, since you will all be dead soon enough.”

  Freight shook the metal bars. “Damn you dirty apes, damn you all to hell!”

  The bigfoot went back to their posts, leaving behind the heroes and their twitching ally. The plan a bust, Charlie and the others went to go sit along the far wall, leaving Captain Rescue right where they left him. With any luck, he would not need medical attention and the twitching would stop on its own eventually.

  “So,” Charlie asked from inside the cage, “how long until you execute us all?”

  “Fifteen minutes.”

  “Well, at least the service here is speedy.”

  ***

  “Do your worst to me, I dare you!” Captain Rescue screamed with his stomach pressed against the bars as a slew footsteps crept up the tunnel. “If you even try to string me from a tree of any sort, I will murder each and every one of your with a toothpick! A toothpick I say!”

  “Would you cool it, you fool,” Dr. Malevolent growled from the back of the cell. The others were taking to their oncoming execution in stride.

  “Why are you acting so calm!?” Captain Rescue shrieked as he slammed his fists against the cell door. “They’re going to kill us!”

  “I doubt it.”

  “What, how could you have any doubt about this?!”

  “I’ve been in situations like this before, we all have, at the last second something will happen. We’ll be fine.”

  “I’ve never been in a situation like this before!”

  “Yes you were. Just the other week when I strung you over a pool of ravenous dolphins and you didn’t die.”

  Captain Rescue thought about that fateful night. “I wish I had.”

  “That’s not the point. The point is you didn’t.”

  Their discussion ceased as a group of five bigfoot stopped in front of the cage. One of them pointed a laser rifle at Captain Rescue and waved him away from the door. The hero stumbled backwards as his captors opened the cage and stepped inside, holding the heroes at laserpoint. Freight, who did not like having anything pointed at him, made his move. With the help of his forearm, one of the rifles flew out of a guard’s hand, and in one fluid motion, Freight snatched it out of the air as it tumbled, lifted he gun, and opened fire on one of the apes, turning its chest bright red. Before he had the chance to singe any additional flesh, the butt of another laser rifle found its way to the back of his head. Fright collapsed like a string-severed marionette.

  Dr. Malevolent grunted. “But the fool had only just woken up. If you keep knocking him out like that, he’s going to develop brain damage.”

  “What about me?!” Captain Rescue cried out, “What about my brain damage? I keep getting knocked out too.”

  “I’m pretty sure you’ll be fine,” Dr. Malevolent replied sarcastically.

  With the heroes secured, the alpha bigfoot now had the chance to make his grand entrance. His men parted and he ducked into the cell, trying hard not to bump his noggin; something he had done when entering the cell of other prisoners that robbed him of the intimidating air he had worked so hard to maintain. His bare feet strutted across the cell floor to Freight, and then the alpha placed a single foot upon the man’s back and claimed the territory as his own, no flag necessary. He dug his hairy heel into his back, kneeled down, and picked up the discarded weapon lying next to him.

  He pointed the laser rifle at the remaining heroes, taunting them to try something foolish so he could claim their territories as well. As the heroes stared back at the bigfoot and his space age weapon, they figured now was not the time for foolishness and held their arms up. Just as a cruel taskmaster would, the alpha fired into the ceiling, letting the dirt sprinkle over them. The alpha motioned for the door and his underlings forced their prisoners into a cramped line. Captain Rescue was in the front, and a couple apes grabbed Freight’s legs and dragged him to the back of the line while bumping his head against the uneven ground.

  As the dead men walking set off through the underground prison, they passed by countless prisoners kept in countless cells. At first, Captain Rescue tried his best to avoid eye contact with the hapless campers that the apes would surely do unspeakable things to sooner or later. The hero’s avoidance did not last long and soon he stared longingly at the prisoners. He had failed them and he knew it. What he did not know, however, was that nobody put any faith in him in the first place.

  Eventually, and with much heartache, Captain Rescue pulled his eyes away from those he had failed and looked at the ground in utter shame. Some time passed, and when he finally lifted his head again, his surroundings had shifted. The prisoners now passed through a brightly lit area of this underground settlement, former living quarters from prior to the brainwashings. Captain Rescue peaked into one of the nearby room and saw something that made the color drain from his face. Inside and strapped to an operating table was one of the campers. Three apes donning operating scrubs hovered over the test subject and poked and prodded him as if he were nothing more than a lab rat.

  Distracted by the test subject’s shrieks, everyone turned and watched the room as their escorts led them forward. As more shrieks echoed through the prison halls, the bigfoot scientists came and closed the door, signaling that the heroes need not concern themselves with these matters. Captain Rescue kept his neck craned towards that operating room and refused to let go. One last shriek rang out, bringing tears to the hero’s eyes. The screech gradually morphed to something indescribable, unearthly, and monstrous. Captain Rescue snapped his head forward and whistled nonchalantly as if nothing happened.

  Brown dirt walls were the only sights visible during the last leg of the trip to the surface. Before long, they ascended a narrow tunnel that had light shining at the end. Outside and in the forest once more, the soon to be executed heroes gazed up at the sun one last time. From all around, dozens of the brainwashed bigfoot congregated to witness their executions. The guards, led by their alpha of a leader, brought the heroes to a series of posts erected in their honor. One by one, the apes strapped the war criminals against them without even giving Harold and his followers a chance to repent. Surprisingly, Freight didn’t give them any trouble, probably because he was still unconscious. The bigfoot just tied him to one of the posts and left him on his butt.

  “You’re not even going to offer us blindfolds?” Captain Rescue wailed as they strapped him to the pole and backed away. Laughter erupted from within the crowd of brainwashed bigfoot. Clearly, the noble primates preferred the condemned to see the barrage of laser fire headed for them.

  Once again, Captain Rescue began to weep uncontrollably. “You can’t do this! I’m a hero! I can’t die like this, not like this!"

  As their executioners lined up across the field, Harold began to chant, “Oh great spirits! Heed my call! Come save us from utter ruin!”

  “Oh!” Captain Rescue yelled in tears, “Now you call your spirits!”

  The executioners raised their rifles and took aim.

  “Spirits! Do not let it end like this! Come, save us!”

  Standing off to the side, the alpha ape drew a laser pistol from underneat
h his belt and pointed directly at Harold. The elderly ape opened his mouth to chant once more and the pistol decisively shut it, leaving a smoldering wound in Harold’s chest as the shaman slumped over dead. With the death of his favorite monkey as well as his own coming soon, Captain Rescue broke down and bawled like a child. Then, out of nowhere, the skies began to darken, bringing night to a sunny day. A combination of Harold’s chanting and Captain Rescue’s lamenting must have spoken to the spirits in just the right way. Before long, lighting shot down from the heavens. The alpha bigfoot stood there, stern faced and without worry, but his underlings were not so steadfast in their determination—soon they would abandon the opportunity of murdering a few superheroes in fear.

  The alpha stared down at his small laser pistol and then stormed up to Captain Rescue before pressing the barrel to his forehead. The hero closed his eyes tight and waited for everything to go black. After what felt like an eternity, Captain Rescue figured that his death had been instantaneous and that the afterlife awaited him. Carefully, he lifted his eyelids and readied himself for those pearly gates.

  “What?!” Captain Rescue cried as he looked down the barrel of the laser pistol.

  The alpha bigfoot just stood absolutely still, teasing the hero.

  “Can you believe this guy?” he asked Dr. Malevolent, who stood at the pole next to him.

  “I don’t know if it’s him you should be trying to believe,” she replied in a most surreal manner.

  “What on earth are you talking about?”

  “Look around, you idiot.”

  A task easier said than done considering the enormous hunk of ape standing before the hero, but he craned his neck to the side and tried his best to look around. Before long, but still longer than it took everyone else to realize, Captain Rescue concluded that time had come to a sudden halt. He began struggling with the ropes tying him to the post. Any second now, time could find a way to fix this mess and the bigfoot could get back to their task at hand, killing him and his friends.