Past, Future, & Present Danger (Book Two of The Absurd Misadventures of Captain Rescue)

by Joshua Price

  Dr. Malevolent cleared her throat. “Excuse me, but if you’re not having too much fun planning out the infiltration of this here dolphin hotspot, then might I suggest,” she paused for dramatic purposes, and then began to whisper loudly, “THAT WE GET OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET BEFORE THEY SEE AND VAPORIZE US.”

  Freight nodded in appreciation of her ability to channel his fervor as they headed towards the spike-punctured row of identical suburban home. The infiltrators approached the nearest one, but the door refused entry, locked to keep the swarms of dolphins out during the occupation. Just next to the doorway, and through the large living room window, a pink spike tore through the house. Dr. Malevolent slipped in through the small opening and unlocked the door for the others.

  Once inside, Captain Rescue stared curiously at that very spike, wondering what would happen if he were to touch it. Would he gain super powers and be a true hero, one that could divert the earth’s orbit by flying into the ground? Or perhaps, would he just get cancer and die? Either way, it was a risk he was willing to take. Captain Rescue brushed his cape aside and marched towards the peculiar pink crystal bursting forth from the ground.

  “I wouldn’t touch that if I were you,” Charlie tried to warn him.

  “I have to do this, for me, for us, for humanity,” he replied heroically.

  Captain Rescue reached out his hand, took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and then extended a finger. He tried to touch the crystal, but found only air. Locating the spike with his eyes closed proved quite troublesome. His hand swung about while it tried to find this super power-endowing hunk of crystal, but when that failed, Captain Rescue just lunged forward. He collided with the spike and then hit the floor.

  Dr. Malevolent stood over him, smirking. “So, stupid,” she teased, “you feel any super-er?”

  He sat up. “Now that you mention it… maybe? The room is spinning so fast. Can you see me? Maybe I’m moving at the speed of light.”

  She kicked him and laughed. “Nope, you seem to be moving at your normal sluggish speed.”

  Captain Rescue frowned. “I was certain that the crystal would give me super powers.”

  “You seem like the type gullible enough to believe toxic waste gives super powers.”

  “What are you blabbering on about? Everyone knows toxic waste gives super powers.”

  “Yes, if you consider cancer and a slow, painful death a super power.”

  Captain Rescue jumped up from the ground and waved the super villain aside. “I will hear no more of your lies.”

  “Fine. Have it your way.”

  The still super powerless Captain Rescue followed the others upstairs. Once the gang made it to the second floor, they received a good view of the next house through this one’s missing wall. The city planners built these houses so close together that a person could practically walk between them, and that’s just what Freight planned to do. As he strutted down the hallway, the bedroom doors opened up and saluted his manliness. At the complete opposite end of the masculinity spectrum, Captain Rescue scurried from behind as the doors slammed shut in his wake. Freight stared through the missing wall and at the next house. While not gone, a sizable hole in the wall made getting over a painless task, but Freight did not do anything painlessly. He cracked his neck, flexed, and then leapt forward, missing the hole completely and crashing through the siding encased house.

  Freight got to his feet and brushed the drywall from his clothes. He then spun around and threw the remaining dust from him before beckoning the others over. They crossed through the hole left by their mountainous forerunner, and then Freight continued his journey by casually pointing over his shoulder and sprinting down the hallway. He repeated the entire destructive process and left another Freight shaped hole in the next house. Once the others made it into this last house on the left, he darted across the house and ushered the gang to a window overlooking the supply depot.

  “Guns,” Freight said plainly as he pointed to a small shed-like building that matched the spire’s dark grey color.

  “What are you yammering on about,” Charlie replied with a hint of annoyance.

  “There are guns in there.”

  “And how on Earth could you know this?” the bunny laughed.

  “I know guns.”

  “This somehow gives you the ability to ascertain where said weapons are housed?”

  “It’s a perk.”

  Freight ceased all discussion and shoved his elbow through the window without scathing his thick, manly hide.

  Dr. Malevolent looked down at the outpost below. “How in the hell are we going to get down there?”

  “Like men,” Freight laughed as he squeezed through the tiny window like an octopus squeezing through a tiny hole while scientists observe the fascinating results. He then threw himself forward and landed inside the supply depot with a manly thud, unknown to dolphins and apes alike.

  Dr. Malevolent slid through the window, gazed downward, and then simply walked off its sill. While arching her back like a diver, she fell gracefully through air before hitting the ground with a smooth roll. She looked up to see Captain Rescue standing on the ledge with his arms stretched out in front of him like that of another diver. Dr. Malevolent smiled with the knowledge that something truly amazing was about to transpire. Captain Rescue, still under the impression that he could possibly have super powers, swan dived out the window. He probably expected to soar magnificently through the air like a bird, but when he began to plummet like a rock, Captain Rescue panicked. He threw his arms to his sides and started flapping frantically like a flightless bird discovering through trial and error that it was, indeed, flightless. Standing in the center of his ever-growing shadow, Freight stepped to the side just as Captain Rescue smacked into the ground. The others stood around the hero checking to see if he still had a pulse as Charlie landed next to them.

  Freight pointed at the shed he felt certain housed space aged weaponry that would make his wife all sorts of jealous. With any luck, his instincts would not have led them astray, and this shed would be a miniature armory of sorts—and not an outhouse, the kind of outhouse that housed only weaponry that shot water upwards to clean your happy parts. First, though, they would have to get there. While not brimming with the enemy, the coast was certainly not clear. The last thing any of them (but Freight) wanted was for the dolphin overlords to notice them, which would certainly lead to unnecessary bloodshed. Charlie led the way knowing that Freight would take all sorts of unnecessary risks. Risk, after all, was Freight’s middle name. His parents gave it to him hoping that it would make him a strong man, a brave man, a manly man. It worked.

  Charlie hugged the nearby building and led the others forward. When they got to the front, the bunny gazed around the edge to see what was inside. He gulped at the dozen or so apes sleeping within. As it were, bigfoot were night owls; it made avoiding humans in the wild exponentially easier. If he kept quiet and made haste, Charlie could make it passed the two buildings between here and the shed with ease. As they made it past the slumbering apes, Freight, unable to resist his manly urges any longer, jumped ahead and hugged the small shed as he made his way to its front side. He kept his back to the wall as he inched his way around, keeping an eye out for anything that could possibly shoot him before he had the chance to shoot it. Freight and the others made it to the simple yet futuristic key panel guarding the entrance from any unauthorized access.

  “Great,” Dr. Malevolent scowled, “how are you going to get in here now? Did anyone bring their keycard?”

  Freight glanced around one last time and then punched the panel. It flickered and sparked and then granted him access.

  She gave a short laugh. “I guess that works.”

  The darkened shed’s lights activated as Freight stepped through its threshold. The giant man twitched with excitement and was barely able to contain himself. Just as he prophesied, the shed contained a plethora of weaponry, and he wasted no time in scouring over it all. Li
ke a kid in a candy store that housed candy that could vaporize anyone that tried to “eat” it, the giant man ran back and forth through the cramped armory. Rack upon rack of rifles, pistols, and strange spherical devices (grenades of some sort) tickled the giant man in just the right way. Freight grabbed the largest rifle he could find and tried it on for size.

  He set it down, lifted his shotgun, and sighed. “No, of course I’m not trying to replace you. I wish you’d stop talking like that. You’re my number one!”

  Freight nodded at his shotgun and listened to what Courtney had to say.

  “If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll use you with one hand and a laser pistol in the other.”

  He nodded some more.

  “Then we have a deal!”

  “You’re completely crazy aren’t you?” Charlie joked.

  Freight’s loving smile evaporated, and he stared at Charlie. “Okay, guy in a bunny suit.”

  The giant man grabbed one of the slightly oversized pistols clearly intended for big hands, but his were close contenders. Worried that he would break the thing and vaporize him and everyone else in the room, Freight held it lightly while he inspected it with child-like glee. It was reminiscent of old fifties era sci-fi pistols, a handheld tesla coil. The barrel had a series of circular metallic rings floating freely around it. Freight pointed the pistol at the ground and watched the rings slide slowly down the barrel. He gave it a good shake and watched the rings bounce about as he laughed innocently.

  At the barrel’s tip, a glossy black sphere glowed faintly, and kept the metallic rings of sliding off. As Freight gave the trigger a slight tug, a miniscule outburst of some kind of plasma dripped from the tip like a leaky faucet and sizzled against the metal floor. Freight sighed, thinking that the weapon was a dud. He pulled the trigger and held it. The sphere at the barrel’s tip began to glow brighter and brighter as the weapon shook more and more violently. Freight released the trigger and a giant glob of plasma burst from the tip and scorched the floor, leaving it malformed from the heat. Approving its awesomeness, the giant man shoved the tiny little pistol underneath his belt opposite Courtney.

  Captain Rescue snatched up a laser rifle that was similar to the one he had used three years prior to help save his friends from the rampaging dinosaur he then befriended. The hero’s mind began to wander. He thought about that dinosaur and the brief love they had shared. Captain Rescue hoped that Ralph still lived and that he had not been taken out back and shot. The thought of a few dozen bigfoot leading an animal as large as Ralph into some clearing in the middle of nowhere made him laugh, and then at the thought of what happened next, he wept like a child.

  Charlie took a moment to dig into his bunny pouch and removed a couple blocks of plastic explosives. Dr. Malevolent gave him an odd stare, still surprised that he would carry something so dangerous. With the explosives in hand, the bunny reached underneath the weapon racks looking for a good place to plant the explosives. He slid them into a small cranny and then primed them both to blow when he tapped the detonator he still had hidden inside his suit. Then he and Dr. Malevolent grabbed as many weapons as they could carry. Rifles strapped over their shoulders, pistols down their belts, grenades in their pockets. They were going to war, and with any luck, their enemy wouldn’t know what hit them, but as they turned to leave the shed, the heroes realized it was they who didn’t know what hit them. A few dozen soldiers, both bigfoot and dolphin, had surrounded the shed.

  Freight went into a rampage, dropped to the ground, and unleashed the power of his pistol unto all those who would stand in his way. Without rhyme or reason, he shot globs of plasma at his enemy and watched as the stuff melted giant hunks of flesh and took of limbs. Just when he was beginning to think that with this little gun he could take out an entire army, Freight saw a small spherical grenade bounce into the shed.

  “Damn it,” he said aloud, shortly expecting to experience what being vaporized felt like.

  The grenade went off, filling the shed with a blinding white light, which impaired his ability to tell up from down, left from right, living from dead. Freight saw a window of opportunity here and quickly pulled open his trousers and shoved the tiny laser pistol down them. When his senses returned he could see that the chances of fighting their way out of here had been all but extinguished. Standing before the stunned heroes, and towering over the rest of the bigfoot, a familiar ape smirked down at them and was happy to make their acquaintance once more.

  “I was wondering when you four would turn up again,” the alpha male said.

  “You know,” Captain Rescue said, “we never did get your name.”

  “You may refer to me as George.”

  Captain Rescue laughed; even he got this reference. “Tell me, George… are you curious?”

  George looked down at him, straight faced. “Curious about what?”

  Captain Rescue stammered, trying to think of a witty retort, “Curious about… the weather!”

  “No.”

  Next to him on the ground, Dr. Malevolent gave the hero a good swat. “Would you cut it out before he kills us.”

  “I’m pretty sure if he was going to kill us he would have thrown in something a little more dangerous than a light grenade.”

  “Light grenade… that’s rich,” Dr. Malevolent mocked.

  Freight suddenly became hysterical, using his wife as a distraction from the laser pistol he had shoved down his pants. “WHERE IS SHE, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HER. GIVE ME BACK MY COURTNEY.”

  George laughed. “Is this what you’re looking for?” he asked as he held up the shotgun.

  “You can’t have her, she’s mine!”

  One of the bigfoot looked to George, who nodded back at him. This ape grabbed Freight by the shoulders and picked him up from the ground. The alpha knelt down and looked the giant man in the eyes. He then proceeded to sock Freight in the kidney. He lurched forward and silently sucked up his pain like a man.

  Freight laughed. “I see… you’ve been studying human anatomy.”

  George held the shotgun up, a trophy of his victory.

  “Take her,” Freight said confidently, “she’ll never talk, not to you, and before long, I’ll just get her back and then shove her straight up your ass.”

  Freight cringed as Courtney complained about how unpleasant that experience would be.

  “Honey, I meant it figuratively. I would never do something so traumatizing to you. I love you too much for that.”

  George cracked Freight upside the head and he collapsed with the laser pistol still safe in his pants.

  Without appearing too frightened, Captain Rescue glanced at Freight and said, “Ooh, me next, me next!”

  George gave him a curious stare and then offered the hero the same treatment. Captain Rescue slumped over, unconscious. “Search the rest of them,” he added.

  One of the bigfoot grabbed Dr. Malevolent and began frisking her thoroughly, feeling her pants up to her coat. “What is this?” he asked upon feeling the lump in her coat.

  “Oh, that’s nothing at all, and it’s certainly of no interest to you.”

  The bigfoot reached inside and removed the lamp.

  “See, just an ordinary lamp.”

  The ape glared at her and then began to give the lamp a vigorous rub.

  After a sarcastic laugh, Dr. Malevolent said, “Well, I guess you’ve been versed in the art of lamp rubbing.”

  The bigfoot remained calm as Greg’s orange gas began to drain from the lamp. He coalesced still wearing his mechanics outfit and holding a grease rag.

  “Yeah what is it?” Greg started to ask the heroes until he saw the situation. “Really, can’t I leave you ingrates alone for more than a few minutes without you bungling it up?”

  He looked down at Captain Rescue’s unconscious body. “Well, at least the stupid one is fast asleep.”

  George held up the lamp. “I have this now, doesn’t that mean you’re under my control?”

  “Do I look like
a puppet to you?” Greg laughed. “I cannot be controlled or manipulated. I’m not out of some movie. I am an all-powerful being.”

  “Then I guess we’ll just have to execute you.”

  “Execute a genie? Are you mad? You can’t execute a genie, and all trying would do is piss me off.”

  George glared at the genie. “Get back in here.”

  “Or else...?” Greg taunted.

  The ape held the lamp between his two hands. “Or else I will crush this thing.”

  Greg looked at Dr. Malevolent and Charlie. “If you would excuse me, I trust you’ll be able to find a way out of this pickle on your own.”

  Before either of them had the chance to reply, Greg blinked away, leaving the two of them alone with the bigfoot.

  George nodded at his subordinates.

  One of the lesser bigfoot went to knock Charlie out, but his plastic head made it tricky. After five or six smacks, they eventually took off the hat and, with a swift whack, rendered the human underneath unconscious before putting the hat right back on. Dr. Malevolent looked around at her unconscious comrades and then closed her eyes tight and tensed up before feeling the butt of a rifle crack against her skull and the lights go out.

  Chapter 15: Another Day, Another Cell

  Dr. Malevolent groaned, sat up, and rubbed her sore head. Huddled in the in the back corner of the cell, the super villain looked around without a clue how long she had been out. In the meantime, the bigfoot had transported them to some kind of holding cell, a sickeningly clean white room lined with futuristic plastic panels across the walls and ceiling. At the front of the room, an energy field locked them inside. She stood up and stretched the grogginess out of her. Off to Dr. Malevolent’s side, an unconscious Freight lay on the floor while the others were busying themselves with the futuristic room.

  Captain Rescue stood at the front of the cell trying to muster enough courage to stick his finger into the strange energy field that had them trapped. For now, he only stared and marveled at the random designs that appeared and then disappeared as the force field pulsated. Apprehensively, he lifted his hand, held his breath, and pointed. Like a little boy teasing a small insect, Captain Rescue’s finger shot forward. To his surprise, it passed through the force field without shocking its owner and revealing his skeleton.