The Novice

by Ava Lohan

  Kegan had won. Although his eyes stayed on my face, his hands were all over me. A new wave hit me, skyrocketing me past the clouds, which were certainly enjoying the show. I bit his shoulder and was rewarded with a groan, maybe in surprise, maybe in pleasure. Kegan closed his eyes. He looked at me. He touched me. He broke all my rules.

  “I’m gonna come,” I warned him.

  He looked me in the eyes. I got lost in his. We were experiencing the exact same sublime sensations.

  “Who is your god?” he asked, grabbing me by the back of the head and pulling my face closer to his.

  “You,” I barely managed to get out. I wouldn’t last much longer. “You are.”

  Damn it, he really had become my god. He’d won more than just this challenge—he’d won my heart. This time I didn’t even think of praying or asking the God I had abandoned for forgiveness. I had given in. Given in to all the emotions that I had been trying to suppress.

  “Then come for me.”

  Those four words, whispered in my ear, were all it took to make me explode. I shook from head to toe. Kegan followed suit. I heard my name slip out from between his lips. It was hardly a whisper, but I heard him. I pulled on his hair like it was my only chance of salvation.

  Maybe I had won something after all.

  He buried his face into my neck and took a deep breath. “Rose?”

  “Mmhmm?”

  “You didn’t say a Hail Mary.”

  No, I hadn’t. And I didn’t regret it. “I don’t think I’m going back to the convent.” I didn’t regret this revelation either. Not after you. But I decided to keep that part to myself.

  Kegan didn’t respond. My hands softly ran over his perfectly shaven cheek. Then his hair. He was still inside me, his hands caressing my thighs with the same delicate touch I was using. I looked at the house from over his shoulder and thought about his kisses as the waves gently rolled ashore behind us.

  “Over four million.” I broke the silence. “I owe you more than four million.”

  Kegan was amused. “You counted it all up?”

  “I tried,” I confessed.

  “Nobody would believe more than four million,” he replied, his voice no longer sarcastic, but somewhat fragile.

  He brushed his hands over my hips. He was lost in his thoughts, thoughts that I was forbidden from entering. I needed to bring him back to me—I couldn’t let the silence steal him away. Driven by an insatiable need, I grabbed his face and started to kiss him. From his forehead to the corners of his mouth and his chin. I pushed Lexi and Finn’s warnings out of my mind, as well as my own promises to myself. I rested my forehead against his and closed my eyes. I was in love with the beast and I wanted him to know.

  “I lo—”

  The last two letters drowned in a sea of fear that crashed down on me the second I opened my mouth. Kegan stiffened up and it was all over. Before I could even understand what was happening, he tore his hands from me and stood up.

  “It’s time to go.” His words stung like a slap across the face. He no longer seemed like he was about to break. He was old Kegan again. The detached and indifferent jerk. The one I’d met in the pool. He shook me off with the same contempt that he’d sent Tereza away with on my first day.

  The only one about to break was me.

  “Open up, open up…” I kept repeating like a useless spell.

  The elevator doors didn’t budge. My magic words sucked.

  “Open the fuck up!” I yelled, holding my head between my hands. I started counting the seconds. Too many. I incessantly jammed my finger into the button, hoping that the doors would magically shoot open.

  I’d taken off running as soon as Kegan had parked the motorcycle in the underground garage. I needed to get as far away from him as possible. I’d dropped the helmet on the ground in my rush. I knew it wasn’t over. I could feel it. Kegan hadn’t said anything yet. And I had no intention of listening to him.

  “You can’t love me.”

  My worst fear had just come true.

  You can’t love me.

  The certainty in his voice made my blood boil with rage. My heartbeat was thundering in my ears. I let my hand fall from the elevator button and mustered up the strength I needed to face him. I turned around.

  My eyes burned like they were full of sand.

  Could I really have misinterpreted it all? He'd taken me out, he’d bought me gifts, and then, the endless kisses that I could never afford. I shook my head and stopped thinking about the list of other things that had made me think that my interest was reciprocal.

  “You’re right, actually. I don’t love you.”

  I told him what he wanted to hear. The sooner I said it, the sooner I could go shower and wash the sand out of my hair and my shoes. I needed to get his smell off of me and take off his jacket. My plans were to cry into it and throw it into the ocean. I don’t love you. Betrayed by my own voice. It was a huge lie. Yet, I’d said it with such conviction that I almost believed it myself. Could it be? Did I not love him? It was too late.

  I was a bigger idiot than Lexi could have ever imagined, and I was not proud.

  Kegan kept staring at me with a menacing expression plastered on his face. My words hadn’t satisfied him in the least. His hair was in an awful state, with pieces of it pointing in every direction. Thinking that it was my hands that’d caused that mess nearly broke my heart. Less than an hour before, we had been closer than we’d ever been, and now he was looking at me with resentment. If I could go back in time I would’ve kept my mouth shut. My words had ruined everything, just like with Paul. Even if I was seeing much more clearly this time. Or maybe I wasn’t. Surely all the signs hadn’t been just a figment of my imagination again. It didn’t matter anyway. I started attacking the elevator button again. The doors didn’t budge.

  “Fuck,” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

  “Rose, you can’t love me. I’m serious.”

  I swore and turned to face him. He’d come closer. Just a few more steps and he’d be within my reach.

  “Listen, I already told you—” I started, when out of the corner of my eye I saw Kegan’s cell phone screen. It was his fault that the doors weren’t opening! I’d done everything in my power to get away from him as fast as possible, but he’d just deactivated the doors with his damn phone. He’d known I would make a run for it. And he’d made sure I would fail.

  I tightened my lips into a frown. “Open those damn doors.”

  “Not before I clear things up.” He came even closer.

  I tried to get away from him but I moved too late.

  Kegan had a hold on my wrist. “How could you? How could you have fallen in love with me?”

  I tried to push him with my free hand but it was no use. It just hurt more. He decided to take my other hand hostage as well.

  “Let me go,” I hissed through clenched teeth.

  He didn’t pay any attention and pushed me up against the elevator doors, trapping me with his body. “Why can’t you separate sex from love?”

  I would have loved to hear something else come out from those lips, but it wasn’t to be. I would have loved for him to rip off my clothes and to throw himself on top of me like he had on the beach. And more than anything, I would have loved to hear him say that he felt the same way. That he had feelings for me. That it had never been just sex. Not with me.

  But Kegan didn’t do any of those things. He let go of my wrists and grasped my head in his hands. His movement was so decisive that the elevator doors shook, vibrating against my spine.

  “Jesus Christ, Rose. How could you?” His beautiful face was furious. Every word dripped with rage. It poured out from his eyes and oozed in my direction.

  I took it all in and spit it back in his face. “Why can’t you admit that you have feelings for me?”

  “What?!” he exclaimed. Every trace of anger had now disappeared from his face, with alarm taking its place.

  “Admit it! All you ever do is kis
s me and take me to bed. And I could never pay you!” I forced myself to keep my voice calm. “You took me out on your motorcycle. You bought me gifts,” I said, raising my wrist and waving the yellow bracelet in his face. “You spend more time with me than with your customers. It was never just sex to you. You’ve already lost control in the Arabian Nights room. You can’t say it was just sex there.”

  He held his head in his hands and took a few steps back. I didn’t move an inch. I wouldn’t let his astonishment affect me. I continued my tirade.

  “Since I’ve been here you haven’t taken clients. You’ve been turning them down.”

  I was going out on a limb—I had no proof. It was just a rumor I’d heard the day before when I snuck into the pantry to get some snacks. Two housekeepers behind a cracked door had been gossiping. Kegan was no longer selling himself.

  He shot me a piercing glare. “Who told you that?” he asked.

  I had to come up with an answer, fast. I could’ve made something up, that I had heard it from Finn, Lexi, or that slut Tereza, but he was so angry I decided it was best not to involve anyone else. This time, Kegan was raging out of control and I didn’t want him flying after someone. I didn’t want anyone else to get hurt. The bloodshed was just between us.

  “I heard it around. Everyone is talking about it.”

  I added a little white lie on the end. I was pretty sure it was true anyway. The owner of Lust was on everyone’s tongue. It had taken less than twenty-four hours for the news to spread. I couldn’t have been the only one who had heard.

  Kegan evaluated my words. He looked at me so intensely that I wanted nothing more than to disappear. I wished I hadn’t said anything. Once again, our roles were reversed: now I was the anxious one, and he was ready to take his rage out on me.

  “I see.”

  The face he made had no effect on me. I looked away, clenching my fists at my sides.

  “They say a lot of things about me,” he continued, approaching me again.

  I couldn’t look at him and instead focused my attention on his shadow. But Kegan didn’t appreciate this choice and pushed his index finger under my chin until I met his gaze. His eyes burned with an aggressive, hypnotic light. It was impossible to look away. Once he had my attention, he grabbed me by the belt loops. I winced.

  “You wanna know what’s false? That I’m fucking the entire staff. I only touch the men if they pay me. A lot.” He paused to observe my reaction. “Now, you wanna know what is true? I’ve fucked all the women who work here, except for the housekeepers.” He took on a pleased air that made me stiffen up.

  “Thanks for the clarification,” I said, freeing myself from his grip. I started walking away to find the stairs. I had no idea where they were. I imagined stealing one of Kegan’s cars and screeching away. I looked back at him, feeling powerless.

  “They say that I’m a beast.”

  I pretended I hadn’t heard him. But he was right behind me—yet again—and his voice stabbed me in the back, right between the ribs. I couldn’t breathe. This time it was his jacket that fell victim to his fingers. He dragged me backwards until my spine dug into his chest. His scent was inebriating.

  “I don’t have any feelings for you. I don’t have any feelings for anyone. I know only three things.” His hands moved up my arms and clutched my shoulders. “Money.” He explored the sides of my face with his fingers. “Sex.” His voice softened.

  Kegan touched my lips, slowly, like he wanted to remember every millimeter. Like an artist intent on painting them, or a blind man who remembered everything by touch. I closed my eyes. This touch betrayed his insistence that there was nothing between us. Why couldn’t he see it?

  “And hate.”

  My eyes shot open. I gritted my teeth and thought about our time together. I thought back to his smile after our first motorcycle ride. The way he acted in the Arabian Nights Room before he built up his wall. The time he confessed to thinking about me when he was with his clients.

  His mouth rested on my hair. “You can’t love someone like that.”

  I saw his face on the beach again, as I was writhing on top of him. In that moment, I knew he felt what I was feeling. Those eyes had reflected the emotions I emanated. It was more than sex. He couldn’t keep denying it.

  “Enough with the bullshit,” I muttered, shaking with anger. “Admit that you have feelings for me.” I turned to face him. “Say it.”

  Kegan swore and looked up at the ceiling, as if he were asking the Lord for help. He then looked back at me with a deadly glare that froze me. “I’m the last person in the world that you could love, and the first person you should hate.”

  I furrowed my brow. Was he serious? From his expression, it seemed he had never been more so. There was not the slightest hint of sarcasm in his voice.

  He had forced me here; I couldn’t deny it—but that wasn’t a valid reason to hate him with all my being. Not with the intensity he wanted, despite his best efforts over the past thirty minutes. He’d forced me to come to his brothel, but even God knew how much I liked going to bed with him. And his kisses. And he hadn’t been with anyone else since my arrival. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure on that last point, but I wanted to believe it. I desperately needed to hope and believe that it was true.

  Fuck me like you hate me and want to hurt me. Like you want to kill me.

  Why did he want me to hate him so much?

  I studied his distant air, trying to understand. Did he want me to hate him so that he could get rid of me easier? Probably. But I wasn’t going to let him get away with it. “Why did you bring me here?”

  “To give you an alternative.”

  I sighed in annoyance. An alternative. That word was really starting to get on my nerves. This time I wouldn’t let him finish the conversation on his terms. I wanted more from him. I wanted an answer.

  Kegan turned toward the elevator. He took his cell phone out of his pocket and the doors magically opened. “Go back to your room.”

  I looked at him from underneath a raised brow. “No.” I played with the zipper of his jacket nervously. “Why did you bring me here?” I looked at the glistening rhinestones around my wrist and felt the need to destroy the bracelet.

  “I already told you.”

  “You don’t want me to go back to the convent, but you don’t want me in your life,” I accused.

  Kegan shook his head and opened his mouth in an attempt to respond, but then he closed it again. He walked toward me with a confident gait. His eyes were locked on my lips. I thought he might kiss me. But he didn’t. He was concentrating on the inner pocket of his leather jacket. He opened it and pulled out a cigarette and lighter. He lit the cigarette and took a drag as he walked back toward the elevator doors. I counted his footsteps. Twelve steps separated us, physically. Emotionally, the space between us was infinite. It had taken me nine days to go crazy for him. Five days left. Five days before he would replace me with someone else.

  Kegan looked at me. He had a sexy, disturbed air about him that took my breath away. He took three steps toward me and stopped. “I should have never brought you here.”

  Every word rang wrong in my ears. My eyes began to itch again. I ran my hands over them, smearing my makeup. They burned even worse. I blamed the smoke pouring out from his lips. But it wasn’t the smoke: it was tears of anger and frustration welling up in my eyes, just waiting to run down my cheeks and betray me. I had to get out of there. I brushed past him and got in the elevator.

  How could I possibly move on with my life and pretend that all of this had never happened? How could I fall in love again, or return to the convent and spend the rest of my days praying to the Lord while I thought about him? Because that’s what was going to happen. My brain had been turned to mush. He was my only thought. Was this his goal? To pluck me from the convent and make me obsess over him and beg him to stay?

  I swallowed my rage. “I can’t go back to the convent and I can’t build myself a new life. And
it’s all your fault.” My voice trembled. My defenses were about to crumble. My legs wouldn’t hold me up much longer.

  I pressed the button for the second floor but nothing happened. The doors didn’t close. His phone had once again prevented me from getting away. He threw his cigarette on the ground and stomped it out with more force than necessary. He then invaded my space, grabbed me by the wrists, and dragged me out of the elevator.

  “You won’t go back to the convent, but you will build yourself a new life. I didn’t bring you here to make you fall in love with me. You’ll find someone who deserves you. Someone better than me. And it’ll be so easy, Rose, because I am the worst. Especially for you.”

  He reached out toward my head, but stopped before making contact and shoved his hand in his pocket, like he had to hide his hands to prevent himself from touching me. To stop himself from showing affection.

  “You can go to school or open a business. You’ll have a million dollars to start with. You’ll stop thinking about me.”

  I took a deep breath to make my counterpoint, but he beat me to it.

  “I’m only useful in bed.” His frigid side was back. He seemed hardly human. No compassion, just ice. He was so stiff he looked like a marble statue. “Do you want to spend the rest of your life paying me to sleep with you? Is that what you want?”

  “No,” I muttered, gathering up all of the strength I had left. “I want you. And you want me. We can be happy together.” It was so simple. Why couldn’t he understand it? I tried to reach out for him but he avoided my touch.

  My declaration didn’t have the effect I was hoping for. Kegan’s expression grew even darker and he clenched his jaw. His eyes were a murky swamp of agitation and rage. There was no glimmer of hope in them. The dark water was drawing me closer. I could almost feel the slime.

  “Why is it so hard for you to understand that I’m nothing but a bastard?” he exploded. “I could have easily just given you the money, but I didn’t.”

  I frowned and talked over him. “Why should you have done something like that?”