The Novice

by Ava Lohan

  Kegan read my mind. “Anyone who gets a taste of me always comes back for more. I become an obsession, like Africa does for anyone who goes there.”

  I shivered. It all made sense. Too much sense. He was inside of me. He had become part of me, like the African landscapes and sunsets did for those who’d experienced them. He would never leave me. He would continue to devour me. His absence would always weigh on my heart and mind. I would long to return to him for the rest of my life. Again and again.

  He put his hands on my calves. “It’s impossible not to come back to me.” His hands were now on my knees.

  It was the truest thing I’d ever heard him say. It would be impossible for me not to come back to him. Impossible not to yearn for him. I would always want more of him. And he knew it. He knew that from now on, there would be a hole in my chest that only he could fill. He’d always known this would be the effect, and yet he’d still brought me here. I suddenly didn’t like this game anymore. A wave of anger crashed over my desire.

  “So, is that your goal?” I spat at him. “For your clients? For me?”

  He pulled back his hands and looked at me from under his raised eyebrows. He seemed dazed, making me only angrier. How I would’ve loved to slap that perplexity off his face. My hands tingled. Why was it so hard for him to understand? He was flaunting his power over me as if it meant nothing to him. The tingling in my hands grew stronger. He had been raised to seduce. He was born to do this. He knew that I would never come back to him, that I would never pay two hundred thousand dollars for a kiss. Kegan and his employees were used to draining the bank accounts of the filthy rich. But I had nothing. And he could keep his money: I didn’t want it.

  Suddenly, another thought hit me square in the chest, filling the hole where my heart had been. Money had been all a part of the game. To see if I would really stay away from him forever after my two weeks were up, or if I would shell out two hundred thousand dollars to have him again, time and time again, until I was left with nothing and he could banish me from Lust forever. I was his guinea pig. The blackmail had never existed. He had never cared about the convent. He had never cared about me.

  His expression changed in an instant. Now he understood. He didn’t want to play anymore either. “God,” he whispered.

  I saw his eyes glowing with a new awareness, burning away the lust. He had said the name of the Lord in a horrified tone. The same tone I would’ve used. It was like seeing my thoughts flood his mind. He’d always been aware of the effect he had on women. He knew all too well that one time was all it took for them to lose their minds and shower him with money. I looked beyond his green irises, to where he was replaying all the times we’d been together, the days when it had been just us two. Like now.

  “You should’ve known it was going to end like this, that I’d have feelings for you,” I hissed as I sat up. I tugged on the sheet and wrapped it around my body. We couldn’t take our eyes off one another. As if we were observing our own reflections in the mirror. As if we were stripping it all off. My eyes glowed with the pain that tore me apart. The unrequited feelings that had destroyed the safe life that I had built for myself over the past two years. In his eyes, I could see every kiss, every false hope he had ever given me, and guilt. For the first time, I saw guilt.

  “Give me a million dollars and send me away from this place, knowing that I’ll hate my life and always want you, or that I’ll give you back every penny and beg you to kiss me and fuck me? Which option was your plan?”

  Kegan was caught off guard. “I never wanted this to happen. Seducing you into coming back was never part of the plan.” He reached out for me but I pushed him away and drew back like a wild animal that refused to be tamed into submission. He brought his outstretched hand to his face instead. He’d always been so selfish that he’d never seriously considered the consequences of his game. He’d only thought about himself.

  Kegan was showing how sorry he was, but I couldn’t take pity on him. His fingers ran through his hair, then grabbed on as if he were trying to stop the thoughts that were running through his head. He was truly distressed. And now I was the insensitive beast.

  “I just wanted to—”

  I interrupted him with scorn in my voice. I felt like a caged tiger ready to kill her captor and to destroy anything that got in her way. “Give me an alternative,” I finished for him. “You and this bullshit.” I shot out of bed. I quickly wiped away the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand. I was angry. Disappointed. I went to get my things.

  He too had gotten out of bed. He peered at me with his arms crossed. “It’s not bullshit.” His tone betrayed his growing irritation. Perhaps he was even reaching my level of anger.

  I shook my head at his words.

  My panties and bra were on a black armchair in the corner. My white dress was on the table. I put my underwear on first and then headed for the dress. I could feel his eyes watching me.

  “It’s not bullshit at all,” he said. I could hear him walking around the room. “I really can give you an alternative. You can start from scratch. You can be happy. I was wrong to bring you here. I was. But you can’t deny that I can make your life better.” He emphasized the word can’t with all the confidence he could muster.

  I held the dress in my hands like a rag. I bowed my head. My eyes, now clouded by tears, looked at the table we’d had sex on just an hour before. Where he’d led me on with his kisses once again. Where I hadn’t wanted to kiss him at first, but had finally given in.

  “How dare you tell me how to be happy!” I spun around, brandishing the white dress like a weapon.

  Kegan was standing over a pile of his clothes. He looked over my body as he put on his boxers, no longer with desire, but with anger. His damn phone rang. We both ignored it.

  “You’re a bastard.”

  I hadn’t been strong enough to accept it as just sex, and he hadn’t been sensitive enough to think about the gaping wound he was leaving in me.

  “Do you really think your money will be enough to change my life for the better? You’ve known the effect you had over me since the first time we met. Why did you do this to me?”

  He came toward me as I stood with my dress in my hands, unable to slip it over my head.

  “I wasn’t happy at the convent, but at least I’d found a balance. And then you came and…” I couldn’t finish my sentence. Not with him standing so close. I risked losing control and releasing the stream of tears I’d been holding back. I let my eyes tell him the rest: that he had destroyed that fragile balance.

  Kegan glared at me, ready to challenge what I was telling him. “So you're going to regret all the sex we had because it messed up your fucking balance?” He smiled maliciously. “I don’t think so.”

  He’d thrown my weakness in my face once again. I had to hit back with something even worse. “And I think you have feelings for me.” I said it with conviction, even though I believed it less and less.

  He stiffened up, ready to respond. His cell phone rang again. He finally turned away from me. “Fuck it,” he yelled. He picked up his phone. “What do you want?” he asked brusquely. Something undecipherable flickered in his eyes as he looked at me once again. “I know,” he said, slightly bothered.

  He leaned against a counter. The room was practically a studio apartment. Lust was an extraordinary place, and not only for what happened within its walls. It could have been full of rooms just like this one. I couldn’t imagine how much it could possibly be worth. But all this luxury was a prison and Kegan refused to break out. Why? Why wouldn’t he set us both free?

  I watched him as he studied the ground.

  “I know,” he repeated with a tired voice.

  He looked angry. With his free hand he crumpled an empty pack of cigarettes that he’d found on the counter.

  He stared at the table. “Don’t start over,” he warned the person on the phone.

  The tone of his voice distracted me from my thoughts on Lust.


  I desperately wanted to know what he was talking about and with whom. All I could gather was that he would rather not have the conversation at all.

  He swore a couple of times and paced back and forth, unable to stand still in any place for too long. He was like a carousel that couldn’t stop. I stopped following him with my eyes. The dress was still in my hands, more wrinkled than ever. I threw it over my head and zipped up the side. All I had to do was find my sky-high heels, and then I could get away from Room 356. I spotted the shoes near the table, right next to Kegan, still pacing. Still talking on the phone. He hadn’t even noticed I’d gotten dressed.

  “What do you think I am not understanding in all of this?”

  I bit my lip and considered leaving without shoes. Maybe I’d make less noise that way.

  He took a few steps forward then turned around again. “You were right, damn it! There, are you happy now?” he yelled into the phone.

  I took advantage of his distraction and tiptoed to the door.

  Kegan caught me with the corner of his eye. “Finn,” he said abruptly.

  I jumped and turned to him.

  “Please tell me you didn’t call me to talk about this. Tell me why you’ve been blowing up my phone, and let’s get it over with.” His eyes darted across the room to me.

  I froze.

  “Yes,” he said, trying to intimidate me with his eyes. He grimaced as if he couldn’t wait for the call to end. “I’m in 356.” He made a sort of snarl, but I couldn’t tell if it was directed at me or at Finn. He looked at the door, then back at me. “No,” he mouthed. “I don’t know!” He was exasperated. He took the phone away from his ear and glared at me. “Don’t even think about it, Rose. We’re not done yet,” he said before holding the phone up to his ear again.

  Foiled. I took a few steps backward as he came toward me with a determined gait.

  “What did you say?” he asked, stopping in his tracks with a surprised look on his face. He stepped back and put a hand on the back of his neck. “Oh,” he murmured, scratching his neck. He seemed torn.

  I kept retreating, taking the opportunity to get a look at his abs and the half-covered dragon tattoo.

  “Are you sure about the amount?” Kegan was still frozen in place, but I didn’t turn around. I would have just wasted time and risked being caught.

  I took a few more steps back, still eyeing his tattoo. Thoughts of my tongue, of my fingers, toying with the tribal design flooded my mind. I remembered how it had looked on the beach, with him inside me, setting me ablaze.

  I took a few more steps back.

  I turned to look at him. His ears were otherwise engaged, but his eyes were on me, ordering me not to take another step.

  I disobeyed him with a determined look on my face, intent on reaching the door. Kegan started for me again. I increased my pace, risking tripping over my own feet. I slammed my shoulder into the door jamb behind me. That was going to leave a bruise. I whimpered as I touched the sore spot. It was a race. A seconds-long challenge. Without taking my eyes off him I grabbed the doorknob and turned it. This room was one of the very few that still had a real handle, and not a key card reader. I would have been screwed otherwise. My hands were shaking so hard I thought I wouldn’t make it. Kegan was right behind me. My heart was beating desperately. Then the door opened—the click of the lock was music to my ears. The door was open. Almost there. All I needed was the courage to go through it. I was ready to slide to the right, push the door open, and run for it. Shit. His free hand hit hard on the solid wood, slamming the door shut. The sound echoed in my ears. I closed my eyes. I was now leaning against the door frame, with his arm suspended just a few inches above my head.

  “Okay,” he answered angrily.

  He ended the call and squeezed the cell phone against his palm, as if he wanted to crush it. Kegan didn’t move an inch from his intimidating position. I focused my eyes on the silver ring hanging from his left nipple. I blushed, thinking back to the time I’d licked it and how he’d howled in pleasure. My hands still tingled. The more I looked at his piercing, the more I wanted to rip it out.

  “Is that why you stayed? To hear me say that I have feelings for you?” he asked quietly.

  I couldn’t fall for his seemingly calm tone. We were standing on a minefield. One wrong step and it would all blow to pieces.

  I could repeat that I knew he liked me. I could add that Lexi thought so too. That she was the one who had convinced me to stay. That over these past four days I’d gotten confirmation that he hadn’t been with anyone else since my arrival. That he’d only started working again after I’d told him I loved him.

  My heartbeat was deafening. I looked up to meet his gaze. “That too,” I answered in a single breath. I didn’t add anything else.

  Lexi had told me that he might have been capable of having feelings.

  I’d clung to those words from the moment they’d come out of her mouth. She had been waiting for me in my room after we’d gotten back from the motorcycle trip. Her words had been the life vest that had kept me from drowning in my fears.

  Kegan lowered his head and touched my mouth with his lips. “You want to know if I like you?” he asked in a hoarse whisper. His voice was tempting. His question made me feel like a teenage girl standing before her high school crush. His eyes grew dark. “You want to know if I’ll miss you tomorrow? If the idea of you with someone else bothers me? Is that what you want to know?”

  “Yes,” I said in a voice that I hardly recognized. I was terrified he would say no. That he would crush my last hope and break my heart with a single word. Just one word was all it would take to shatter everything that Lexi believed. Everything I wanted to believe. A single syllable. And he knew it. A low, warm laugh brewed in his throat, making me shake.

  “I like you, I’ll miss you, and the thought does bother me,” he confirmed sincerely.

  He didn’t leave me time to rejoice. “But it doesn’t change a thing. You’re leaving tomorrow.” It was a slap in the face: I could feel it burning hot on my cheek.

  “Why?”

  Kegan peeled his hand off the door and brushed my hair behind my ear. “Because you can’t love me.” His fingers slid down my arm, my skin tingling wherever he touched. I hated hearing him say those words. “I already told you,” he reminded me, as if I could possibly forget. It was all I could ever think about. That, and how sure he’d sounded when he'd said it. All I wanted to know was why.

  I was still trapped between him and the door. His head was still tilted, his mouth a breath away from mine, daring me to take initiative. His eyes did the same, in spite of his harsh tone. Why wouldn’t he move? I inched toward him, responding to the irresistible call of his body. He stood his ground. I pressed my lips against his.

  “Don’t,” he started. But his voice vanished into thin air. I couldn’t tell if his silence was because he was incapable of speaking, or if he didn’t want to. “Don’t do it,” he finally murmured, but it was useless.

  Useless because I did it anyway. Useless because he could have easily gotten away from me if he had wanted to. I was the one trapped between him and the door, not the other way around.

  I slipped my fingers under the waistband of his boxers and pulled him toward me. I pressed my body against his, as if I were trying to meld us together. As if I wanted to become such a part of him that he could never free himself from me. We looked at each other. His cell phone fell out of his hand. I heard it crash to the ground. Kegan didn’t pick it up. I balanced myself on the tips of my toes and touched his face. Our bodies and our lips were now locked. Kegan attempted to mumble something in protest. It was the only thing he did to stop me from kissing him. To stop himself from kissing me. Then he surrendered. And he kissed me.

  I was nearly crushed by his weight pushing me against the door. I sank my nails into his biceps. I wanted to convey to him everything that I felt. My suffering, my inner turmoil, and the hopes that coexisted inside me. Our breaths mingled
and our hips touched. Our tongues sought each other out, and the tears I had been trying to hold back streamed down my cheeks, stopping at our lips. Their bitter taste mixed with the taste of him.

  He kissed me. He whispered my name. He kissed me and whispered my name. He wrapped one arm around my waist, as the other rested firmly on the door behind me, either holding his weight or preventing himself from touching me elsewhere or tearing off my dress. My fingers sunk into his smooth, firm skin. Fresh tears fell from my closed eyes. It was the most intense and desperate kiss we’d ever shared. It seemed like it would never end, just like this war between us that neither of us could stand to lose. Neither of us would make it out alive.

  Kegan squeezed my side until it hurt, enough to make me cry out. I opened my eyes. He was making me feel how much he was suffering. He moaned into my lips as my fingertips dug deeper into his skin. He wrapped his other hand around the back of my head. Kegan pulled away, breaking all contact between the two of us. He opened and closed his eyes and breathed deeply, just like me.

  “This thing is getting out of hand,” he said. “Tell me not to kiss you anymore,” he spat out between labored breaths.

  My hands slid down his arms and fell to my sides. His fingers wrapped around my head like claws. Painful claws tearing through my hair.

  “Tell me I have to send you away, that you want to leave now. Tell me you hate me and you’ll never think about me ever again. That you can be happy without me. It would be for the best.” He tried his best to convince me, but his words were empty of conviction. “Say it.” He pulled my head back. He didn’t look sincere. Because he wasn’t. He wanted to kiss me. He didn’t want me to leave. He didn’t want me to hate him.

  I shook my head almost imperceptibly.

  He pulled me gently toward him, drawn to something he couldn’t entirely defeat. His mouth was just a breath away from mine. I could feel his warmth on my lips.

  “Say it,” he repeated. “Say it, Rose. Say it now.”

  If he wanted me out of his life forever, he couldn’t rely on my help. And help was what his eyes were begging me for. But I wasn’t giving him this easy out, even if it would be for the best. I wasn’t going to run to his rescue.