‘What are we listening to?’ I asked.
‘Christmas hits okay?’
‘Great.’
He sat on the sofa and I handed him his goblet. He took it and sipped the wine. ‘Fruity and spicy. Just how I like a woman’ He gave a soft laugh to suggest he was joking but my stomach dropped into my glass.
‘So have you had a relationship since…’ I bit my lip. I couldn’t believe I’d just blurted that out.
‘Since Maria?’ He shook his head. ‘With all of my free time, spare energy and inclination to get humped. Oh, a different woman every night.’ He sighed. ‘Afraid not.’
‘I’m sorry.’ I wanted to stroke his face and run my fingers along the shadow of stubble on his jawline. To follow my finger with kisses that ran down his neck and beneath the collar of his T-shirt.
‘It’s okay. Those first few months after she died, I just didn’t want to know at all. I had no inclination to get laid, to date, to even see a pair of boobs.’
I ran my finger around the edge of my glass and wiped away the ruby beads my mouth had left behind.
‘My sex drive disappeared for well over six months. Then one morning, I woke up, and it was… Hello!’
‘Hello?’
‘You know—’ He glanced at his groin. ‘Morning glory.’
‘Oh.’ I sipped my drink to hide my embarrassment. He was being so open and I wasn’t used to it. Harrison had been quite reserved in some ways. I shook my head to clear all thoughts of him.
‘But even though I started to come back to life physically, I didn’t want to do anything about it. If you know what I mean.’ Sam chewed his bottom lip.
‘I can understand that.’ I hadn’t been interested after Harrison. What was the point? For me, sex had always been linked to emotion and I couldn’t face getting involved again. I didn’t seem to have the energy to even think much about sex any more. If I was honest, I’d have to admit that I’d neglected Harrison in more ways than one and during the latter days of our relationship, I had used a variety of excuses for avoiding sex. Ann had told me to get back on the horse after he’d cheated, to have a rebound shag, but I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t interested in doing it. That was why my reactions to Sam were so surprising. It was as if my body was saying Hello to him. ‘So haven’t you even been on a date?’
‘The school-mums have tried to get me back in the saddle.’
Of course! They’d be clamouring around him at the school gate, at PTA meetings and other events. Jealousy flickered through me and unsteadied me. But what right did I have to be jealous?
‘They…um…the ones who Maria was friendly with have been extremely supportive. But one of them decided to set me up on a blind date with her sister. It was a mistake to agree to it, I knew that, but I wasn’t going anywhere to meet women and, at times, I get lonely. It’s not just about sex though. It’s missing cuddles and just having someone else over the age of eight around to talk to.’
‘Of course. That’s understandable.’ I placed my hand on his knee, then instantly removed it. I didn’t want to seem too eager to get close to him.
‘The date was a disaster. The woman was ten years younger than me, which wouldn’t have been a problem, but she already had five kids.’
‘Twenty-six with five kids?’
‘Yup.’
‘She must have been busy.’
‘Nothing wrong with having so many children but I could tell instantly that she wasn’t really interested in me. I think she was hoping for a rich older man. There was absolutely no attraction at all. Zero spark. We ate a meal together, made polite conversation then went our separate ways.’
‘And no more blind dates?’
‘Couldn’t face it. It was too soon anyway. I was still too raw.’
I didn’t go out because I didn’t have time, or at least I didn’t make time. Sam clearly didn’t go out because he was busy being a dad and a mum. Perhaps his parents would have helped him to have more free time if he’d pushed it, but I sensed that he didn’t like asking for favours. Like me, he needed to be able to rely on himself. He didn’t want to be a burden and I could identify with that. And the kids needed him.
‘We’re a lot alike.’
‘How so?’ He refilled my glass. How many wines had I had now?
‘I’m going to have a bit of a headache tomorrow.’
‘It’s Christmas.’
‘You’re right. Most things are acceptable at Christmas.’ Including mad passionate sex with your ex?
‘How are we alike, Katie?’
‘We both need to be independent. To believe that we don’t need to rely on other people.’
‘Why’d you think that is?’ He pushed his glasses up his nose and I noticed the veins standing out in his muscular forearm.
‘We’ve both been hurt but in different ways. I thought I could make it work with Harrison but I couldn’t. At least, I thought the version of us that I’d constructed would last. I guess that’s the problem with perception though. I realised while we were still together that I was fooling myself. Harrison had a completely different version of us than I did and I was absent from the relationship. It wasn’t fair on him.’
Sam placed his glass on the table, then sat up straight and stretched. I watched his T-shirt rise as he did so, exposing the dusting of dark hair on his belly just above his belt. I wondered what his flesh would smell like if I pressed my face there.
‘So I take it you work out then?’ I asked, looking away quickly before he caught me ogling him.
‘That was my way of dealing with the reawakening of desire. I bought a treadmill and some weights and most nights when Jack and Holly are sleeping, I work out. It helps me focus and keeps me positive. Exercise has many benefits.’
I tugged my jumper away from my belly. ‘I don’t have time for that either.’
‘You should make time, Katie. It’s important for your health.’
I smarted. I’d let my guard down and now I seemed like a fool. He thought I was overweight.
‘Hey, what is it?’ Sam leant towards me and took my hand. ‘What did I say?’
‘Nothing. It’s not important.’
‘If it upset you then it is extremely important. I didn’t ask you here to ruin your Christmas Eve, Katie.’
I met his gaze but shame crawled over me like a swarm of stinging ants. ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘Please? Let me put this right. I can’t stand to think I’ve hurt you.’ He frowned and I watched his face as he thought carefully. ‘Oh! Was it the exercise comment?’
I nodded.
‘Why did that upset you?’
‘Can’t you guess?’ I plucked at my jumper and gestured at my body. ‘Because you think I’ve let myself go.’
‘What?’ He started laughing.
‘It’s not funny, Sam. I know I’m a bit overweight. I know I should exercise and eat less cake and…and…’ My nose began to run and I snuffled, covering it in alarm.
Sam took my wine, then pulled a tissue from his pocket. ‘Here.’
I grabbed the tissue and quickly wiped my nose.
‘Katie. You have not let yourself go and you are not overweight at all. You are, in fact, probably perfect for your height.’
‘Really?’ I mumbled from behind the tissue.
‘Really. You’ve always had gorgeous curves.’ A warm glow travelled over my skin. Gorgeous. ‘In fact, I think you’re more beautiful than ever. I just meant that exercise is important for physical and emotional wellbeing. Even a five-minute tickling session can count if you get out of breath.’
‘Get away!’ I pushed him.
‘Well it’s fun, isn’t it?’
I nodded. I couldn’t deny it. Perhaps, after Christmas, I’d make more of an effort to fit in some exercise. Maybe start walking to work. But I lived in the flat above where I worked. Okay, well I’d take an early morning powerwalk round the block. That would be a good start, right? For my health and well-being.
<
br /> ‘Katie, I have something for you.’
‘For me?’
‘For Christmas. I hope it’s okay. I didn’t know if it was appropriate but then I thought what harm could it do. Now I’m worried I did the wrong thing.’
‘Oh.’ I was lost for words. He had a gift for me but didn’t know if he should have bought it.
‘Sod it! We’re friends and it’s fine to buy presents for friends, isn’t it?’ I nodded. ‘Can I give it to you now?’
‘If you’re sure that you want to.’ I’d wrapped his gift earlier but left it up at the manor. ‘I have something for you too but it’s in my room. Shall I go get it?’
‘No. Leave it until tomorrow. I don’t want you to leave yet. If that’s okay?’
‘Of course.’ I really didn’t want to leave him or the cosy lounge or the intimacy that we were sharing.
He retrieved a small silver gift bag from beneath the tree and handed it to me. I stared at it. ‘What is it?’
He rolled his eyes at me. ‘Have a look.’
I opened the bag and took out a square box a bit smaller than a CD cover but about an inch deep. I removed the lid and gasped.
‘They’re just gorgeous.’
‘You like dragonflies, don’t you?’
‘I really do. Thank you, Sam!’ I ran a finger over the silver dragonfly pendant. Its body was solid silver but its wings were set with four opal circles and there were matching miniature dragonfly earrings with opals set in their heads. ‘I’ll wear them tomorrow. But these must have been expensive.’
He shook his head. ‘Not really. Besides, you’re worth it, Katie.’
‘Did you buy them from that stall in the Christmas market?’
‘Yes. I saw you admiring them, so I went back to get them.’
My heart thudded so quickly in my chest that I worried about passing out. I was riding a tsunami of emotion and I was terrified that I’d crash against the shore at any moment. I placed the jewellery box carefully onto the table, cursing my trembling hand.
‘What time is it?’
He glanced at his watch and grimaced. ‘Late. Gone two.’
‘It’s gone two?’ How had the evening passed so quickly? I couldn’t recall the last time I’d been awake so late, or was it early? Or the last time I’d had so much excitement.
‘I’d better get going.’ I finished my wine, swallowed hard to try to dislodge my disappointment.
‘I’ll see you out.’ Sam didn’t move.
‘What time will the kids be up?’
‘Soon.’ He grinned. ‘Too soon.’
‘So you’d better get some sleep then.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Right.’
‘Right.’
‘Katie?’ Sam whispered.
‘Yes?’ I gazed into his deep, dark eyes, wondering at what might have been, wondering at what could yet happen.
‘I know that we shouldn’t do this…but…’ He cupped my face and ran his thumb over my lips. ‘I’d like to feel like I used to. Just for a moment. Is that okay?’
I wanted to kiss him, I needed to hold him, but my mind was screaming at me to stop it, to be sensible. He was vulnerable and hurt and unsure. ‘You’re right, Sam. We shouldn’t do this. It’s too soon. I need to go.’
Sam nodded. I nodded.
Then all rational thought drifted away as I wrapped my arms around his neck and he covered my mouth with his.
Chapter 10
I woke up to the sweetest, softest of kisses and moaned with pleasure. What a lovely alarm call. Then awareness washed over me like a bucket of icy water.
How could Sam possibly be kissing my face and my feet simultaneously?
I opened my eyes and squealed. Sportacus and Stephanie were double-teaming me. I was on the sofa in the lodge. The grey light of dawn was seeping through the curtains and I could hear the heating clanking into life as the pipes beneath the floorboards filled with hot water.
I sat upright and patted the bulldogs’ heads then used the cuff of my sleeve to wipe away some of the drool they’d left behind. Their happy faces with wide white muzzles, squidgy black noses and wrinkly foreheads made me smile, in spite of the red wine hangover that was threatening to take hold with a headache that was going to hurt. A lot.
‘Morning, Katie. I brought you emergency supplies.’ Sam appeared in the doorway, a steaming mug in one hand and two aspirin in the other. His dark hair was messy, sticking up adorably on the one side and he wore baggy Star Wars pyjama bottoms and nothing else. My whole body tightened with desire. What had happened last night?
He crossed the room and handed me the aspirin. I swallowed them gratefully, then took a deep swig of black coffee. I stared into the mug, afraid to look at his raw male beauty as he sat next to me. How could he be so perfectly gorgeous? My wanton eyes moved in his direction, my willpower deserting me. His torso was hard, lean and flawless. If I’d had to pick my ideal man out of a line-up, it would be Sam. He had small brown nipples on his well-honed pecs and a shading of dark hair over the centre of his chest. The hair ran down his stomach in a thin line before disappearing beneath his PJs. I swear that I could have cried at just how good-looking he was. What had happened last night? How exactly the night had ended was beyond my recollection, all hazy and out of reach.
‘Jack and Holly?’ I croaked, hiding my mouth with my mug of coffee as I was suddenly conscious of my death breath.
‘Not awake yet, surprisingly. It’s just gone five-thirty so I doubt they’ll be long.’
I gazed at him. How could I ask what had happened? I was still fully clothed apart from my bra, which I spotted on the back of the sofa. How had that gotten there? I pushed my shoulders back and sat upright, suddenly conscious that my boobs would be resting on my belly.
‘Did I…uh…’
‘Don’t you remember what happened last night, Katie?’
My cheeks filled with heat.
‘You are a tiger, woman!’ He made claws of his hands and growled at me. I started laughing.
‘Now I know you’re winding me up. What did happen?’
‘Absolutely nothing.’
‘Oh?’
‘You were about to leave…we kissed….’ His cheeks coloured. ‘And I’m terribly sorry about that. I should never have let it happen and I can only blame the wine for my inappropriate behaviour.’ His expression was so solemn and his eyes so sad that it took all my strength not to hug him right then and there.
‘What did we do?’ Ouch. The first stinging fingers of the hangover dug into my temples as panic washed over me. Had I drunkenly screwed up? Would Sam hate me now for taking advantage of him in his grief? Ouch again! Please let the aspirin work quickly.
‘You suddenly pulled away and told me that the world was spinning.’
‘Ah, I think I can remember some of that.’ Images of the whirling pit of inebriation flickered around in my mind making me instantly queasy.
‘So I took you into the bathroom and you lay there for about half an hour on the cold tiles until your nausea passed. You mumbled a lot about the past year but a lot of it didn’t make sense. And…you talked about us and how it used to be.’
‘I did?’ My heart began to pound. ‘What did you do?’
‘I sat there with you…after fetching a blanket to keep you warm.’
He sat on the bathroom floor with me? What if I’d been sick? That would have been so embarrassing; yet not the first time he’d held my hair back from my face as I vomited. The joys of a shared past.
‘And then?’
‘I carried you in here and placed you on the sofa. At which point you told me you still have great tits.’
‘I didn’t!’
‘You whipped off your bra beneath your clothes and flashed me.’
‘What?’
He nodded.
I covered my face with my hands. ‘I am never drinking again.’
‘Don’t stop on my account. You made my night.’
‘And that w
as it?’
‘Yes because you immediately passed out. It was almost as if you needed to get something off your chest.’ He grinned at his own pun and I had to take another swig of coffee to stop myself from reaching out to stroke his cheek.
‘Well I did get something off my chest, didn’t I? In spectacular fashion it would seem.’
‘Spectacular chest too. So why not?’ At least he was smiling now.
‘You’re kidding me, right? I really flashed you?’
He shook his head. ‘It’s the truth. You were very drunk last night. One minute you seemed fine, the next you were hammered. If you’d been sober, I’d have struggled to keep my hands off you. I’m only human.’ A shadow crossed his face and something inside me ached. Did he regret the fact that we’d nearly become intimate so quickly? None of this would be easy for him.
‘So you tucked me in, then went to bed?’
‘Once I’d placed you in the recovery position and felt certain that you wouldn’t choke on your own vomit, yes.’
‘I am so sorry!’ Embarrassment swirled through me and I bit my lip. I hadn’t seen Sam in years and I’d behaved like an idiotic teenager last night by drinking far more than I could handle. I enjoyed the odd glass of wine after a busy day or with a nice meal but I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been out drinking. Ann and I had our girls’ nights in when we needed to unwind but they didn’t happen that often since she’d fallen for Mark. And I’d chosen last night, of all nights, to get drunk.
‘It was probably the pressure, Katie. It’s lovely seeing you again but I can’t deny that it’s also difficult. A lot of emotions have come right back up to the surface again. In spite of that though, you really have no idea how lovely you are, Katie. I’d really love to have the chance to—’
‘AAHHH! It’s CHRISTMASSSS!’
‘DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!’
Four small feet pounded through the lodge and into the lounge.
‘He’s been!’ Holly dived onto the sofa and some of my coffee sloshed over the side of the cup and onto my top.
‘Daddy, Santa’s been!’ Jack threw himself onto the dogs’ bed in front of the fireplace and rolled around, madly kicking his legs in the air.
I quickly grabbed my bra from the back of the sofa and stuffed it underneath me. The next half an hour was utterly noisy joyful chaos. Holly tore through her stocking and showed me every single thing in it, and despite my regret at missing out on cuddling Sam, I began to enjoy myself. Holly was such a sweet little thing and I was soon caught up in that delicious childhood thrill that comes with Christmas morning. When she’d finished with her stocking, she insisted on placing her new treasures carefully onto the coffee table, then she started on the bigger gifts. Jack had already opened some of his and was dancing around cradling one of those handheld games consoles and several games that he was shouting he’d always wanted.
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