I stared at them both, so young and innocent. They knew that their Mummy was gone but did they really understand what it meant? That they would never see her again? Sam was doing such a good job of bringing them up; he was clearly trying hard to be both Mum and Dad to them. They were polite and well-behaved children.
But they didn’t have a mum.
In that moment, the sad thought made me want to sweep them into my arms – Sam too – and never let them go. But that only happened in soppy Christmas movies, not in real life. I was just Sam’s old friend, someone from the past, and this little family needed to move on and look to a bright future.
‘Hey.’ Sam moved closer to me and lifted Holly onto his lap. ‘What’s up? Hangover worsening?’
I shook my head. ‘No. The aspirin are starting to take the edge off it. I was just…’
I gazed at his handsome face, the happy smile that played on his full lips and his wide arms wrapped around Holly and vowed again to ensure that they all had a wonderful Christmas.
‘Just thinking that it’s time for some Bucks Fizz. AKA hair of the dog.’ I winked at Sam.
‘I could do with that too.’ He frowned and pointed at his forehead. ‘Bit of fuzziness there.’
I jumped up and swayed for a moment.
‘Take it slowly, Katie. Don’t rush and you’ll be fine.’
‘Orange juice for the children?’
‘Yes please.’ Holly smiled at me, melting my heart. I carried my mug over to the door, carefully picking up pieces of wrapping paper as I went. I’d better find a black bag in the kitchen before the dogs started chewing it. ‘Katie?’
I turned and looked at Holly, the prettiest picture of contentment in her pink bunny-print pyjamas perched on her daddy’s knee. My eyes burnt again and I blinked rapidly to disperse the ready tears. This had to be one of the most emotional Christmases ever and for different reasons than I’d expected. ‘Yes sweetheart, what is it?’
‘Why do you have a bra stuck to your bum?’
Chapter 11
The rest of Christmas Day passed in the usual whirlwind of too much alcohol, too many gifts and too much food. We’d toasted Granny before dinner, then again after dinner and all ended up quite emotional again. It had been strange eating our festive feast without her present and I suspected that Sam felt the same about Maria. He’d been calm and quiet with each toast but I’m sure that he must have been thinking about her and how different last year had been.
By four o’clock, I was bloated and sleepy. Slumped on the sofa next to Sam, I continued eating my body weight in Quality Street and slurping Champagne, every now and then fondling the silver dragonfly at my breast and the ones in my ears. Jack was busy saving New York City – which had apparently relocated to the manor’s hallway – with a new remote control Spiderman car and Holly had fallen asleep on Sam’s lap. He looked about ready to sleep too and I was daydreaming about pulling his head onto my shoulder and stroking his thick dark hair.
A somewhat inebriated Aunty Gina had gone for an afternoon nap, or some afternoon delight as Karl had claimed when she’d taken Tanberk off up the stairs. I’m sure he looked a bit apprehensive but it could have been the chestnut stuffing repeating on him. Karl and Angelo were discussing the stars of the Christmas reality TV show they were laughing at and Mum and Dad were on the cuddle chair. Mum had her legs over Dad’s lap and appeared to be actually letting her hair down. She had enjoyed quite a few glasses of wine over dinner though, so I suspected that had something to do with it. Unless she actually was loosening up a bit as she got older. Not that sixty-two was old. When I was in my late teens, I thought that thirty was old but now I knew that I’d been so, so wrong. I suspected that I’d feel the same way about my approaching fifties once I got into my forties and so on. Even in her eighties, Granny had told me that she still felt the same way as she had at sixteen, except for the creaky bones, so it seemed that always feeling this way was inevitable.
My phone buzzed on the sofa arm so I picked it up. Ann. I’d been trying to get hold of her all day but with no success. Had Mark proposed or hadn’t he? I’d asked as much in my tenth text of the day without the hadn’t he bit added in. I hoped so or Ann would be devastated. No message but a smiley face. So that meant yes? I wanted to know all the details but what if I rang her now and they were…well, you know…otherwise engaged. Although she had said that she’d be going to his parents’ for lunch. I smiled at the thought that Ann would be celebrating right now and had probably even started planning her wedding. I’d already been provisionally drafted in to make the wedding cake and to be chief bridesmaid! I’d never been a bridesmaid before. Probably because I didn’t have many friends – make that any friends. I knew people, of course I did, but I didn’t have close friends. I didn’t have the time or energy for them. Except for Ann. And what’s the saying? If you can count your real friends on one hand then you’re lucky indeed. Something like that but I was too relaxed to remember the actual wording.
I glanced at Sam. I didn’t want to move from his side. He offered one of his heart-melting smiles then whispered, ‘How about we catch up later? I’m sure we didn’t drink all the wine last night.’
‘That would be great. Can I help you tuck the kids in again?’ My own hopes that I’d be able to do this surprised me but I was trying not to dwell on them too much. I probably wouldn’t see Sam after the holidays, or at least not for a while, so I supposed it was okay to enjoy their company just for a short time. Surely there was no danger of me becoming too attached to the children and Sam – or vice versa – in just a few days? I was trying hard to convince myself that it couldn’t happen.
‘I’d like that.’
His brown eyes were so warm and even the tiny lines surrounding them were sexy. Not deep, but there as markers of life, evidence of his age and experience. He wasn’t a twenty-something bloke with an unlined face and that sharp beauty of the young, but he was all the more gorgeous because of it.
I gently stroked Holly’s hair. She smiled in her sleep and her dark eyelashes fluttered on her rosy cheeks. I had to admit that I’d grown fond of her and Jack already. But not too attached. I was taking care to guard my heart. It made me wonder at the love that a mother must have for her child, that apparently fierce maternal instinct. I swallowed hard. I guess I’d had some experience of that. But if Jack and Holly were mine, would I love them, defend them, protect them with my life? Did it work like that even if they weren’t biologically yours?
‘Imagine living here all the time,’ I said quietly, partly to Sam but partly to myself.
‘It would be strange, wouldn’t it?’ Sam replied. ‘By the time you’d finished cleaning, you’d have to start all over again.’
‘Said like a man with experience of household chores.’ I grinned.
‘Don’t knock it!’ He raised his eyebrows. ‘Some women would kill to have a man who understands how hard it is to run a house, care for two kids and bring in enough money to pay the bills. Or that’s what the school-mums tell me anyway.’
I rubbed his shoulder. ‘I know they would, Sam. I know.’
But as I sat there gazing into his eyes, I wondered if I was like those other women. Did I really want all that domesticity? Since arriving at the manor, I’d been pleased to see Sam and to meet his children and it was clear that there was still something fizzing between us. Only things were different now. I had my business to think of, the one dream that had kept me going when the darkness had loomed before me, threatening to envelop me as it had done when I’d lost my own child. Sam’s child. Our child.
I’d had good reasons for breaking up with him nine years ago. Sensible and practical reasons. It had been the right thing to do at the time. Or so I’d thought, hoping to spare him any further pain. But I’d failed in that respect because look at where he was now. Widowed. Alone. Trying to put the pieces of his life back together.
But Crumbtious was my baby; it had taken my blood, sweat and tears and I wasn’t about to
give it up for anyone. Besides, I just couldn’t risk making myself vulnerable again. I couldn’t risk loving and losing again. I didn’t know if I’d make it through a second time.
***
Sam took the children down to the lodge about nine and I hung around for twenty minutes, trying to avoid arousing suspicion. When I wandered out into the hallway, Karl and Angelo were putting on their shoes to take an evening stroll. I made an excuse about leaving something at the lodge the previous evening and pulled on my coat and hat, then grabbed the parcel that I’d set by the door earlier that afternoon.
‘We’ll walk with you,’ Karl said, grinning broadly.
‘Oh…okay.’
I linked arms with them both and we set out into the snow. The evening was cold and the clouds overhead were fluffy and white as they passed over the moon. As the wind blew, it lifted loose drifts of snow and swept them around the lawn, creating what resembled piles of sparkling icing sugar.
‘Is there a caretaker or someone who looks after the place?’ I asked Karl.
‘Of course there is and a whole team of groundsmen or women, no doubt, as well as cleaners and a residential chef,’ he explained. ‘But it’s Christmas and they have families, so the caretaker made himself scarce until Boxing Day and the rest of the staff are away until the new year.’
‘I thought it was strange that we hadn’t seen any of them. So where does the caretaker live?’ I asked, thinking of the lodge.
‘He has a house just off the bottom of the driveway, before you turn left.’
‘I think I recall seeing a cottage there.’
‘So, Katie, enough of the small talk. What about you and Sam? Think there’s anything I should know?’
‘Karl, he’s…he’s a widower with two young children. I’m not long out of a relationship and I’m just too busy for anything right now. I don’t have the energy or the reserves to deal with love.’
‘But he really likes you, Katie!’ Angelo announced. ‘Sam likes you very much.’
I stared at Angelo. ‘How would you know?’
‘He told me.’
‘What?’ I frowned at Karl and he shrugged whilst looking very amused.
‘This morning when I went for a walk to clear my head after breakfast…Sam accompanied me. With the big slobbery dogs. Not for long but he talked a lot. He told me he’s confused.’ He tapped the side of his nose.
‘What is he confused about?’ My heart hammered like a runaway train.
‘He said he likes you very much. You’re so pretty, so kind and so sexy.’ He did that mime of a woman’s curves with his hands and my cheeks heated up. ‘He didn’t do that, I just like to do it.’ He chuckled and Karl joined in.
‘So what else did he say?’ We had stopped walking and I placed my hands on Angelo’s chest.
‘He wants to do the right thing by everyone but doesn’t know what it is. He’s worried…that you still love that idiot who cheated on you.’
‘He said that?’
Angelo nodded. ‘And he’s not sure you’d want to date a widower with two children. He’s also very worried about getting involved in case it goes wrong and the children get hurt. And he told me that you two have a painful past but that he’d wanted to work through it and was devastated when you left him. He wanted the baby too but not at the expense of losing you. Sam said it was always you for him, Katie.’
The ground shifted beneath my feet and I rubbed my eyes and face as if trying to hold on to reality. A supportive hand took hold of my arm and I met my Angelo’s concerned gaze.
I smiled weakly. ‘I do like Sam, I really do. More than like. But it’s so complicated. It’s not like we’re teenagers or young, free and single, is it?’
‘If only you’d stayed together in the first place then we wouldn’t be going through this now.’
‘But…I…’ I twirled a few strands of hair that stuck out under the side of my hat.
‘Katie, he was crazy about you. Sam would have done anything for you and he was destroyed when you broke up. He was broken-hearted about the baby but you made it impossible for him to come after you. He actually believed that it was easier for you not seeing him, that he was a constant reminder of what you’d lost. You could have another chance here, you know. Just take it slowly and get to know him again.’
A chance. But the very word chance made me uneasy. It meant possibility, but it could also mean accidental or even risky depending on how you used it. Did I really want to take a chance on Sam? Could I chance it? Was it even fair to ask him and the children to take a chance on me? Was this just a chance meeting? I wanted to stamp my feet in the snow and scream until all the pent-up confusion came gushing out like some kind of exorcism. But I held it in for fear of what Angelo would think about me. I didn’t want to be the crazy sister-in-law.
‘We’ll see,’ I said. ‘I’m not sure yet. I don’t know if this is right or if it’s just all this Christmas spirit…all the booze, good food and sentimental TV. My head’s a bit muddled, to be honest. Anyway, I’m going to give Sam his Christmas present now so I’ll see you later.’
‘You want me to cover for you if you stay out tonight too?’ Karl asked as I walked away from them.
‘Nothing happened last night!’ I shouted. ‘Nothing at all.’
‘We’ll believe you, Katie, but enjoy nothing tonight as well.’
I waved my hand above my head but didn’t turn around. I was keen to get inside the cosy lodge now and to speak to Sam. Somehow it felt better when I was with him. All this emotion was exhausting, what with wondering about him, hoping that Ann was all right and missing Granny. If only I could talk to Granny and get her wise perspective on this. I just wanted to be cuddled and told that everything would be okay. Being independent and self-reliant could be tiring. It would be so nice to have someone to rely on, to take care of me for a change.
Even if it was just for one night.
Chapter 12
I knocked gently at the lodge door, then tried the handle. It opened and I entered the small cosy hallway then closed the door behind me. I removed my snow-covered boots and set them by the radiator. They would probably never recover from this but I needed a new pair anyway.
‘Sam?’ I called softly
‘In here.’ His handsome face appeared in the lounge doorway. I followed him into the room. He’d lit the log fire and the dogs were stretched out in front of it. I joined him on the sofa still clutching his gift. My heart was thudding hard and it was making me feel woozy.
‘Are Jack and Holly asleep?’
‘They brushed their teeth, put their PJs on and passed out as soon as their heads hit the pillows. They had a great day thanks to you and your family. I’m really grateful. It would have been a lot harder without all the distractions of a Warham family Christmas. It was good that it was different to last year.’ He rubbed a large hand over his face and his stubble. Right now he looked like one of those razor advert models and it made it difficult for me to focus on maintaining a rational train of thought.
‘I’m glad that we’ve all helped, Sam.’
He took my free hand. ‘You have.’
‘I was quite apprehensive about Christmas myself but it’s actually been really nice here with everyone. I do miss Granny though. I guess we all do.’ My vision suddenly blurred.
‘Was she ill for long before she… I mean, I spoke to Karl about it a few times on the phone but I think he was trying to be strong or perhaps he was afraid to vocalise his fears for her.’
‘He was probably trying to be strong. The truth is that Granny never really fully recovered from her heart attack. She was never quite the same. I just—’ My throat tightened. If I started crying now, I’d never stop and it would all come out. I didn’t want to spoil the evening so I took a few calming breaths and swallowed hard.
‘You miss her, Katie, and that’s okay. She was a great lady.’
‘Anyway – ’ I sniffed, keen to avoid tears, ‘ – I have your gift here.’ I passed
him the parcel, which I’d wrapped in gold tissue.
‘You didn’t have to do this, Katie.’
‘Neither did you.’ I fingered the dragonfly necklace.
‘I’m really pleased you wore it today.’ His cheeks coloured and he pushed his glasses up his nose; another of his adorable habits.
‘Well I love it. Now see if you like what I got you.’
I held my breath as he opened the tissue and took out the rectangular box. He turned it over in his hands and gasped. ‘I’ve always wanted one of these…but it’s not the sort of treat you buy for yourself.’
The Star Wars chess set hadn’t been cheap, but as soon as I’d seen it, I’d known that it would be right for Sam. The chess pieces were all Star Wars characters or space ships, each one intricately carved from wood and meticulously painted. Princess Leia even had the two buns on either side of her tiny head.
‘Will you play with me?’ he asked as he set the box on the table.
‘I don’t know how.’ I didn’t. I’d tried to play Dad once when I was about thirteen, but he’d had a phone call from work that had interrupted our game and that had been it. We’d never tried again.
‘I’ll teach you,’ he replied and he set the board up on the coffee table. I watched as he positioned each piece carefully in the correct place and mused that if life was that simple, that we all knew our places and who we should stand next to, then it wouldn’t be so confusing. There were no proper rules for dating and falling in love and the lines about acceptable behaviour were so often blurred. Partners cheated, lovers left, spouses died. How on earth were we supposed to find happiness when it was all just so difficult, when doing the wrong thing sometimes felt so right? And how could we be sure what actually was right or wrong anyway?
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