by Ashley John
He didn’t care. Digging in his nightstand, he found a tiny hip flask he reserved for boring meetings. It was filled with Jonnie Walker Blue whiskey. One swig and that too was soon being tossed around the room.
It reminded him too much of Bill.
This is your fault, you old fool. Why did I listen to you?
“Ezra?” Felix knocked on the door.
“Just piss off,” he couldn’t contain the rage.
“Somebody’s here to see you.”
He didn’t care, he didn’t want to see anybody. It was the confused tone in Felix’s voice that made him open the door. It wasn’t somebody Felix knew.
“What?” he ripped open the door.
It was Violet.
“I think we need to talk,” she crossed her arms, “don’t you?”
She’d changed out of her wedding dress into a t-shirt and jeans and even though she looked effortless, it was clear from the blotchy mascara around her eyes that she hadn’t slept either.
When they were settled in the kitchen with two cups of coffee, the tiredness hit Ezra.
“Have you seen him?” she asked.
He knew who ‘him’ was. He didn’t want to hear his name.
“Nope,” he sipped the coffee, “I think he’ll be hiding behind lawyers from now on. You can’t really blame him.”
“No, I can’t,” she shook her head, “he’s my cousin, Ezra. I know him. I know how much this has hurt him.”
If he’d just let me explain.
“When was I supposed to bring up that I’m married to a woman I hate? We haven’t been together for over five years. I’ve tried to divorce her and she would never go through with it. When I got the money, she wanted to divorce me but I knew she’d be entitled to half. Can you imagine somebody like that with money? It’d be dangerous. I didn’t think it’d be important to tell him all of this right away.”
“It’s not,” Violet agreed, “not really. It’s the secret and it came out at the wrong time. He read a letter from his dad about you and he doubted your intentions. We all are.”
“I haven’t done anything wrong,” Ezra laughed, “yeah, I should have told him. I would have eventually, but that letter doesn’t mean anything.”
Violet sipped her coffee and they sat in silence for a couple of seconds. The door creaked and Felix slipped in quietly. He grabbed a box of strawberries from the fridge and disappeared.
Fucking strawberries. I’ll never be able to eat those again without thinking of…
“Joshua seems to think it means something,” she broke the silence when Felix left, “and so does his lawyer.”
Tobias Cole. Ezra could almost laugh because Bill said he wasn’t up to the job of signing the company over. Was he suddenly supposed to trust him when Bill Silverton clearly didn’t?
“If he’d just let me explain,” Ezra sighed, “it’s too late now.”
“I don’t think it is.”
“I do,” he laughed softly through the pain, “that look in his eyes. I’ve seen that before. It’s over.”
“Over before it began?” Violet finished her coffee and pushed the cup away, a shake in her touch, “I know that boy and I’ve seen him in relationships and I’ve never seen him like this. He got so angry because he cares so much. He’s been battling with himself since he met you and he was just starting to give in to you.”
Ezra didn’t want to hear any of it. He didn’t want to be reminded about how much Joshua had overlooked so they could be together. He wished it was just sex. He wished he could tell Violet to get out of his kitchen because he didn’t care, but the truth was that he cared too much.
“It’s the anniversary of my daughter’s death today,” Ezra smiled up at the ceiling lights, “and I went to her grave for the first time on the anniversary. I always go before because it’s too much to deal with, but I found myself there. It’s been five years, but that grief never goes away. It gets easier. You forget to stop crying. You put up walls and eventually you never cry. You can’t. You hide behind the walls and the façade and people start to believe it. You start to believe it yourself. I became Ezra Steele, the businessman who took risks in the boardroom and got who he wanted in the bedroom. I never stood still for long enough to see that it was all bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. I stood still with your cousin, just for long enough to be me. I let go of that bullshit and I had an actual real experience and I felt myself -,”
He couldn’t even say it. What did it matter anymore? You’ve fucked everything up.
“Falling in love?” Violet finished the sentence for him but he stayed silent, “It’s okay to say that. I don’t want to speak for him but I know he -,”
“It doesn’t matter,” Ezra tossed back the dregs of the coffee and stood up, “it’s done. I need to go and pack.”
“Ezra, wait –,”
“You can show yourself out.”
He half expected her to follow him up to his bedroom, but she didn’t. He hovered and when he heard the door close softly, he locked himself in his bathroom, turned on the shower and curled up under the water.
He wouldn’t admit to himself that tears were rolling down his cheeks. It’s just water.
Monday morning came and the longer he spent away from Ezra, the clearer he could see. The fog lifted and he was surer than ever that he was making the right decision. Violet wouldn’t stop trying to convince him he was making the wrong decision but when Ezra didn’t turn up at the door to explain, Joshua knew he was doing the right thing.
Tobias and Graham visited together on Monday morning to talk things over but Joshua found his mind tuning out as they rambled on about the finer details of things. He didn’t need to hear the legal bullshit, he just needed to get things back. He knew when he had that security, he would feel happy again.
On Tuesday, Violet dug out some old photographs from her attic and for the first time since he’d last seen his father, he looked at his face. They were old pictures back from when Joshua was a kid but seeing his face only acted as further proof his father wanted him to step up.
Tuesday night saw Auntie Jackie visit with her famous Beef Casserole in an oven dish. Over dinner, he went over her final conversation with her brother and every time he heard it, it made Joshua feel more comfortable about everything. She wrote it down as a statement for the case, explaining everything in detail.
“Bro, what about me?” Levi asked when Auntie Jackie finally left past midnight.
Graham had said that he’d run things if Joshua wanted to travel but he wasn’t sure if he wanted that. Did he really want to be in the suit on the top floor for the rest of his life, or was it enough to just get Ezra out of there? He could be the boss in the eyes of the law without actually having to do it.
They could travel anywhere.
“Have you been looking at any flights?” Joshua asked him when they sat in Violet’s living room.
“It’s all I’ve been doing. I’ve been trying to show you since we landed but you’ve been so busy with -,”
Levi stopped himself because they all knew not to mention Ezra’s name. It’s easier that way.
Opening up his laptop, Joshua was met with a porn video of a girl being fucked over a desk. He tried to feel aroused before Levi pressed the red ‘x’ but he felt nothing.
“So, are you still gay?” Levi asked as he navigated to his bookmarks, “You’ve had sex with so many girls, man. Not as many as me, but a lot! Maybe it’s just a phase?”
“Maybe,” none of it felt like a phase he was about to out grow, “Maybe I’ve always been a little bisexual?”
“Seriously?” Levi laughed, “Why didn’t you just tell me!”
It had never been important until Ezra and by the time he wanted to tell Levi, it felt far too serious to just spring it on him. He knew it would be weird for Levi to see him as a different person and he didn’t want that. It was nice still having that connection to the life he’d had before he landed in London. I should have just made up an
excuse to Violet and stayed away forever.
“It was never a big deal. We’ve both kissed guys drunk.”
“But I’ve never done it sober,” Levi pursed his lips, “dude, you didn’t let him – y’know – stick it up -,”
“Let’s not talk about that,” Joshua pointed to the screen, “flights?”
“You did!” Levi pulled a disgusted face, “I mean, I’m cool with it, but – you! You could have any girl you wanted.”
Maybe I don’t want just any girl. He shook that thought from his head. He knew when they were back on the road, everything would be fine. He’d slip back into the routine of parties and fun and he’d forget all about Ezra Steele and he’d have all of the money he’d need. A tiny voice in the back of his mind was trying to scream to him that he couldn’t keep running forever, but it was quiet enough to ignore.
“Have you ever,” Levi nudged his head down towards his own crotch, “thought about me like that. It’s cool if you -,”
“Never,” Joshua laughed, “you’re like a brother to me.”
“Oh,” Levi sounded a little hurt, “am I not gay hot?”
Joshua knew he was hot, Levi knew he was hot and the ladies knew he was hot.
“You’re very hot,” Joshua slapped him supportively on the arm, “just not my type.”
“What don’t I have that -,” Levi cut himself off again.
They both stared at Levi’s laptop in silence. In the middle of bookmarks of porn videos, Levi had bookmarked dozens of flight and destination websites.
As he flicked through them, Joshua waited to get excited but it didn’t happen. The same as looking at the porn, it didn’t excite him. He felt nothing. Thinking about the airport and that thrill of getting onto a plane, he expected to feel the butterflies but he felt nothing.
His mind tortured him and Ezra’s face materialised from nowhere and the butterflies appeared.
“Book something for in a couple of weeks,” Joshua stood up, “surprise me.”
“How many weeks is a couple?”
Joshua didn’t know how long he’d need to convince his mind that he wanted to carry on travelling, “Three.”
Levi tried to protest but before he could, Joshua joined Violet at the kitchen counter where she was nursing a huge glass of wine.
“You didn’t have to postpone your honeymoon,” he rubbed her back, “I’m fine.”
“People who are fine don’t feel the need to keep saying ‘I’m fine’ all the time,” she was already pouring him a glass, “and I think Christopher wanted some time to adjust to being home before we jet off again.”
“Where is he?”
“Upstairs,” she looked up, “writing thank you letters for the wedding gifts. I told him to leave it but he always needs to be doing something.”
Sliding the wine glass over to Joshua, she patted the seat next to her but he decided to stand on the other side of the island, worried that she’d slip into another one of her rants if he got too close.
“Are you not at least going to give him –,”
“Violet,” he cut her off, “I know what I’m doing.”
A sad smile spread across her lips as she rested her chin on the wine glasses. She looked out towards her dark garden and he could tell she was holding back what she wanted to say. He almost told her to say it but he remembered he didn’t want to hear it.
“I think you don’t know what you’re doing,” she said it anyway, “you think you’re doing what your dad wanted but since when did you live for him?”
Like a knife in his stomach, her words had a sharp bite to them. She was right. He’d spent his entire life doing the opposite of what his father wanted to do, so what changed?
“I’m doing this for me.”
There was that sad smile again.
“You don’t need the money,” her eyes were just as sad as his smile, “not really.”
There was still a bite in that sadness.
“My dad wanted me to have everything but something happened. That’s all I know. That’s all I have to go with. Maybe I want to cling on to the thought that my dad died not hating me,” tossing his arms out, he spilled half of the wine on her kitchen floor, “is that too much to ask for? Huh?”
“He didn’t die hating you,” she topped up her glass and reached across to replace Joshua’s spilled wine, “and you’re right, you’ll never know, but you know he didn’t. There was no hate there, you just never knew how to love each other in the right way.”
Why does she always have to be so right about everything? Pushing the wine away, he headed for the kitchen door. He felt trapped in her house. People were still pulling on his arms and he just needed everything to stop.
“This is what he wanted,” he grabbed his jacket from the hat stand in the hallway, “it’s the least I can do to make up for all those years.”
Violet’s shadow filled the hallway as she stood in the kitchen doorway in her dressing gown, the wine glass resting in between her arms.
“You can’t rewrite history, Joshua,” her head leaned against the frame, “why don’t you just live for the future instead?”
As he headed out into the night, he affirmed that it was what he wanted but the more he thought about it, the harder it became to believe it.
He didn’t know where he was going but when he found himself outside the bar where he met Ezra, he wondered if he should go inside. He could hear the music and chatter and it reminded him of why he’d found himself there on his first night in London, for a distraction.
If I needed a distraction then, I need one now more than ever.
Sitting in the exact same spot at the bar, he felt the weight of change heavy on his back. Glancing back to the booth where Ezra had first been sat, he saw another group of young professionals but Ezra wasn’t there.
I hadn’t wanted to see him anyway. Tobias told me it would be better if I didn’t.
“What can I get you?” the same barmaid he’d tried to hit on, Amy, leaned against the bar with no recognition in her eyes that she remembered him.
“Just a beer,” he forced a smile, “thanks.”
He wasn’t in the mood for the hard stuff, not yet at least. Leaning heavily against the bar, he sipped the beer as he let the noise of the place wash over him. The beer kept flowing and people came and went until he could sense that it was getting late.
When the people staggering through the door looked more and more drunk, he knew it was time to go back to Violet’s but he couldn’t seem to move.
“Beer, please,” a man slapped his hand on the bar next to Joshua, just like Ezra had done the first time they had met.
He looked up and he couldn’t ignore the disappointment when he saw a stranger. He was a handsome man in a suit but he wasn’t Ezra.
“Drinking alone?” the man turned to him.
“Yep,” Joshua’s voice slurred more than expected.
“Come and join me and my friends,” he smiled with his eyes, letting Joshua know what his real motives were.
The stranger’s eyes danced down Joshua’s body with a familiar hungry stare but it didn’t have any effect on him. Part of him wanted to go with the stranger, to see if he could get Ezra out of his mind. He knew it wouldn’t work. There was no way that would ever happen. The more he drank, the easier it was for Joshua to wander to that place.
“Actually,” Joshua slid off the bar stool, “I was just going.”
“Suit yourself,” the man huffed, clearly disappointed that he’d have to keep looking for his shag of the night.
He stumbled out into the night, not knowing where he would go next.
Ezra drove into work on Wednesday morning with the same lump he’d had in his throat all week. Every morning he hoped it would be the day Joshua would turn up. Ezra was beyond wanting to explain everything that had happened, he just wanted to see Joshua.
So many times he’d found himself sitting outside Violet’s house in Hammersmith but he could never bring himself to ge
t out of the car. It was the look in Joshua’s eyes that kept him away. Ezra had caused that look and he wasn’t sure if he could go back from that.
“Morning, Mr. Steele,” one of the receptionists called to him as he walked by but he wasn’t in the mood to fake a smile.
He got into the lift silently and waited for it to take him to the top floor. When the doors opened, he felt deflated when he didn’t see Joshua waiting outside his office. Did you really expect him to come grovelling to you when you can’t do the same?
It’d be easier to talk to Joshua on Ezra’s turf but he knew it probably wasn’t going to be his turf for much longer. There’s a reason he’s so silent.
“Ezra, I need to talk to you,” Becky, his assistant, came running across the floor as he headed for his office.
“What is it?” he sighed, not really caring what she had to say.
“Joshua is in his office,” she whispered.
Before she could say anything else, Ezra headed straight for the door. He hesitated outside, nearly knocking but when he looked around his shoulder at everybody watching him, he remembered he was still the boss.
He opened to door and Joshua was sat behind his desk facing outwards to the city. Ezra could only see the top of his scruffy blonde hair and it was enough to make his stomach twist and turn.
He coughed to let Joshua know he was there, but he didn’t spin around.
“Joshua?” Ezra closed the door and stepped forwards.
When there was no answer, he felt scared that something wasn’t right. He walked around to the front of Joshua’s chair where he was slumped with his eyes closed. He was cradling a bottle of whiskey in his arms like a baby and he smelled unwashed. Has he been here all night?
“Joshua, wake up,” Ezra shook his shoulder, the contact giving him tingles.
Joshua groaned and rubbed his eyes with a clenched up fist. It took him a moment to peel them open to the bright morning sun and another moment to look up to Ezra. At first, he just stared blankly, as confused to see Ezra as Ezra was to see him.
But then, that look reappeared. The same look of hurt and betrayal. He bolted upright and spun his chair around to his desk. He put the whiskey bottle on the glass surface and rubbed his face.