by C. M. Marin
My only answer is a persistent silence, because there’s nothing to say. Liam obviously knows I didn’t spend the night in his room.
“Do you know what you’re doing, Alex?”
Absolutely not.
I’m too confused to know what I’m doing. I’m also angry at not being able to shove the memories of last night out of my head and pretend nothing has changed. I want to pretend that Jayce and I are still those strangers who once dated and now try their best to tolerate each other, but with all those images of us playing on my mind over and over again, I just can’t. They’re right at the forefront of my mind, toying with my sanity.
When I came back in town, I was worried about things being awkward at the club, or about the agonizing hurt being brought back to life in my chest every time I’d run into Jayce. I knew seeing him regularly would be inevitable, and I knew that having a daily reminder of what I had lost would be close to torture. But not once did I think it’d be hard to stay away from him. And at first, it wasn’t. Yes, the attraction was still there, but his behavior was so infuriating that it was easy to stay as far away from him as possible. Every time my hormones forced me to notice how handsome he was in his faded jeans, white shirt and leather cut, I had to remind myself of the way he treated me when he decided to toss me out of his life. And last night, in the blink of an eye, I threw away all of my efforts to control myself, and I’m angry for it.
“I’m just asking you to be careful, Alex. I don’t want to see you get hurt again,” Liam adds when I get lost in my own head again and don’t answer him.
And this time, it’s like my mouth decides to speak on its own when I snap, “Maybe that’s something you should have thought about before you forced me to move into the club.” The last word is barely out of my mouth when I blow out a breath full of remorse. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. This has nothing to do with you. I’m just…”
I’m angry. I’m confused. In the end, it all comes back to that, and it’s starting to be tiring.
“You’re confused,” he finishes my sentence as though reading the thoughts in my messed-up head. “And I’m sorry if being at the club is making things harder for you.”
More silence lingers on because I don’t know what to say. I’m aware that he doesn’t like this situation any more than I do, but I’m not sure he fully realizes how hard it is to me to be around Jayce all day. Liam has never been in love. He doesn’t know what it does to you to lose the only person you love more than life itself and to then have to see them daily, knowing that you can’t be with them. And it’s going to be even harder now that vivid memories of last night have started short-circuiting my ability to think about anything else.
“Don’t be mad at me, Alex,” he goes on, and I wonder why he’d say that until it dawns on me that I’ve fallen silent once again. “I’m just trying to keep you safe. The club is the best option for that right now.”
Exhaling another loud, heavy sigh, I assure him, “I’m not mad at you.” I’m mad at the world. I keep that thought to myself, though. “But I can’t stay at the club forever, and you need to know that. I’m going to move back to my apartment soon, and that’s not up for debate. I didn’t move back to Twican to walk around in the club all day long. I want a life. Besides, I’m starting my job in two weeks.”
“What?” he blurts out as his gaze darts my way, and it remains on me a little too long.
“Eyes back on the road, please,” I urge.
He gets himself in check instantly, but unsurprisingly, this conversation isn’t over.
“Alex, please, just reconsider. You―”
“I’m going to start working,” I cut him off more harshly than I intended to, but he needs to get this through his head. “And you’re going to stop insisting on this. I am starting my new job in two weeks. Dr. Emerson called me yesterday. I have a checkup in a few days, but he already told me that if it’s all good, I can take my first shift in two weeks. And I will,” I assert, once again putting as much firmness as I can into my tone. “That’s not up for debate either.”
Moving on with my life is what I need. If last night had one useful outcome, it was showing me how important it is for me to move forward. I need to put my story with Jayce to rest, and I need to do that quickly. The past needs to stay behind me. My place is at my apartment and at my job. And as much as it shatters my heart into countless pieces all over again to finally realize that, my place is far away from Jayce. Maybe someday I’ll be able to be around him without my heart bleeding freely, but that day hasn’t come yet. And I can’t let what happened last night happen again. I have to protect myself. I have to protect myself from my feelings for him that are still brewing deep inside me, but I also need to protect myself from him. Because I’m not the only one who’s lost and confused.
Jayce barely talked to me while I was at the hospital, and every interaction between us since has ended in an argument. And when we aren’t butting heads, he’s ignoring me. But when I ran into him in Liam’s bathroom last night, he acted like he wanted to test my self-control where he’s concerned. Even now, it doesn’t make any sense. He’s done all he can to avoid being alone with me since I’ve been back home, and suddenly he’s right in front of me, jealousy spurting out of his every pore when I try to make him believe that I slept with other men since we broke up. Maybe that’s what triggered everything. But why would he even be jealous? Has he changed his mind about us? Does it mean I was wrong, and the love he had for me isn’t completely gone? I mean, he did hold me afterward, and he didn’t have to. But the thing is, even if he isn’t assaulted with regrets as soon as he wakes up, even if I could believe that he still has feelings for me, would it change anything?
At the end of the day, he still hurt me.
“I promised Dad I’d look out for you and take care of you.”
Liam’s confession comes out of nowhere, and it takes me more than a second of adjustment to stop staring into space as what he said echoes in my head.
He rarely brings up our dad. Neither does he talk about our mom. Unlike me, he has some blurry memories of her. He had just turned six when she died, so he doesn’t remember anything clearly. It’s more feelings and flashes he has of her, but whether it’s her or our dad, he rarely mentions them.
“And that’s what you’ve been doing for ten years. Hell, you always did, even when he was still alive.”
All my life, he’s looked out for me. As a kid, I’ve always known that all I needed was to say one word and he’d be there for me. Even when he grew up and could have become one of those selfish teenagers forgetting that they had a family, he never made me feel like I was just his annoying kid sister. He always saved some time for us to go on a ride or to the swimming pool with me and Dad, and when he went grabbing a bite with his friends at the diner near his school before coming back home, he would always bring me that raspberry pie he knew I loved. Not to mention how he gave up on a scholarship to go play football in college because he needed to work in order to get custody of me. Not many eighteen-year-olds would have done the same, and I know that. He’s always been there for me. Always.
“I brought you into a dangerous world. That’s what I did,” he counters immediately, and I’m taken aback by the fierceness in that statement.
Where does that come from? He’s been a member of the Chaos Chasers for a decade now, and never did either of us question his choice. Not once.
“You brought me into a family that we didn’t have anymore. That’s what you did.”
He shakes his head, and for the first time, I can see on his face and hear in his voice how much what happened to me has been torturing him.
“While you were in surgery, we were waiting, and blues came in. One of them said that you ended up there because of the club life. I was so fucking furious, I wanted to rip his head off. But then I thought… Maybe he’s right, you know? Fuck, maybe Jayce’s the one who was right all along to let you go. Maybe―”
“God, L
iam, stop talking. Stop. Talking. Just don’t say stupidities like that.” Now I don’t only feel angry. I also sound angry. “Your problem, and that goes for Jayce, too, is that not once did you ask me what I think about what happened. Or what I want for myself.” Taking care of me doesn’t mean make decisions for me, and it’s time they realize that. “Do you think I should have stayed in Dallas?” I ask him, but I don’t allow him to answer. “Because you seemed more than glad to have me back home before I got shot. Do you now think that I should leave town? Maybe go settle somewhere on the East coast, as far away from Twican as possible?” Again, I just keep going, because I don’t want him to answer. What I want is to make things clear once and for all. “You really want me to be alone on the other side of the country, in some town where I know no one? You really want to become one of those families who only meet for Christmas and give a call on birthdays? Because I don’t. I don’t regret having gone to Dallas to study, but when Jayce broke up with me and I had to stay there every week-end, I was miserable. Literally miserable. I know that you worry about my safety, but this is my home, Liam. The club is my family, just like it’s yours. As for what Dad would want for me? There’s one thing I know. The last thing he’d want is for me to be alone.”
Very softly, he acknowledges everything I said with just a few words. “I wouldn’t leave you alone.”
“Then what?” I retort immediately. “You’d leave Texas with me? God, Liam. Think about what you’re saying. You don’t want to leave Texas. Both our lives are here, and you know that.”
Exhaustion flows out of a deep sigh before he concedes, “Yeah, I know. I know I’d be miserable anywhere else, too. And there’s no way I could turn my back on my brothers when we’re right on the brink of a war, but it’s just… I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you. I can’t lose you.”
“And I feel the same way about you. I can’t lose you either. But neither of us can live in fear of what could happen. Just like we can’t pack our things and start over God knows where. This is where we grew up, and where our family is. It’s home, and I’m not losing it again. You guys will find a way to handle the Spiders, and it’ll be alright. In the meantime, I promise you that I’ll always be careful.”
I’m not only saying this for his sake. I’m confident that they will find a way to deal with the Spiders.
“Yeah,” he sighs again. “Yeah, you’re right.”
“As usual,” I tease, and even if the sound is subtle, it’s good to hear a chuckle piercing through his sullen mood.
He’s worried, I get that. I am, too, but for him, not me. Me being shot was the consequence of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I wasn’t the target. I’m so much more worried about Liam and the guys than I am about myself. My concern about myself lies somewhere else. My bruised heart, and my sanity, are my main concern.
I lean my head against the headrest, and as we keep driving in silence, my thoughts drift back to Jayce. To both mend my heart and save my sanity, I’ll need to have a discussion with him. As soon as possible. Him being hot and cold, distant then protective, has to stop. We need to sit down and talk. Make things clear so we can both move forward with our lives. In the end, asking myself if he still has feelings for me is pointless. How he feels about me, about us, doesn’t matter. What matters is that I can’t let him sneak back into my life in any way. Even though he never really left my mind and my heart, I made peace with us living our lives apart. And despite what happened last night, I need to remember that it has to stay that way.
Chapter 12
Jayce
Ten hours. My fingers have been twitching to send Liam a text for the past ten hours. Not sure how I managed to restrain myself. Fucking miracle. Because let me tell you something. Ten hours is a fucking long time. Especially after I caught a glimpse of a black SUV parked on the roadside near the lake. One that followed me all the way to Twican.
The car tailed me into town, though the driver never made any move to catch up with me, and I made it back to the club without any incident. They just kept their distance all the way here, never growing bigger than a small black speckle in my side mirror. Even hours later, it still sounds odd that they didn’t try anything. I was alone and completely exposed on my bike. They could have ended me with little effort, but they didn’t. I never saw their faces, but I knew who they were. And the Spiders know damn well they don’t have any business putting a single toe in our territory. But there was nothing I could do on my own. I had no clue how many of them were in that car, so I had to keep my temper in check, and I rode straight to the club, losing sight of the SUV at some point.
Beside obvious anger, dread was thundering strong in my stomach, but it’s not me I was scared for. It was Alex. As soon as I stormed inside the club, Nate called Liam to find out if they were both okay. Thank fuck, they were. He told him to be careful and Liam has sent him a text every hour since. That’s the only reason I haven’t lost my shit so far. But I’m getting fucking close.
“They should be here by now,” I growl.
Nate got the last text fifty minutes ago, and Liam said they’d be back in about forty-five minutes. But they’re not fucking here. I’ve been sitting at the bar all this time, fidgeting with my glass of bourbon.
“They’ll be here any minute, bro,” Blane says as he pours himself a drink.
If they aren’t, I’ll lose it. I’m two seconds away from climbing on my bike to find them. What if they were followed, too? Liam would have noticed, I know that, but fuck… I need to see her now. See her safe.
My head snaps to the door when it opens.
Thank fucking God.
Every reflex in me begs me to jump off my stool, stride to Alex, and haul her to my room after saying my piece to Liam. What actually happens is that my fist tightens around my glass as my legs lock in place.
“All good?”
From the corner of my eyes, I see Nate joining them, but my gaze can’t leave Alex. Her features are strained and she looks a bit tired, but other than that, it seems like she’s fine.
“Yeah. We weren’t tailed. Maybe it’s because we left town too early. They might have followed us just like they did Jayce otherwise.”
The second Liam says my name, Alex’s eyes get a little wild as they search around the room for me, fear clear in them. It only tames when her gaze settles on me and she sees me unharmed. Looks like Liam didn’t share the information of me being tailed with her.
Her reaction triggers a wave of hope in me, even though she quickly composes herself and tears her attention away from me and back to her brother. “I’m going to drink some water and take a shower before going to bed. Thanks for today.”
“Sure, baby sis.”
She kisses his cheek before walking away.
Seeing her safe and sound calmed me down some, but I’m still dying to bark my thoughts into Liam’s face. Maybe even throwing them in the form of my fist. It was stupid to drive so far away with her alone considering the circumstances. The only reason I rein it all in is because I know it wouldn’t win me any point with Alex if I got into it with her brother. So, instead of throwing punches, I ignore them all and make my way to the kitchen.
Pretty sure Liam glares at me as I pass him, but he can go fuck himself. He’s lucky he doesn’t have a broken nose right now.
When I enter the kitchen, I’m glad no one but Alex is in the room. A glass of water is to her lips, and I lean against the wall as I watch her drink before she discards the empty glass in the sink. Her eyes find me when she turns around, but she doesn’t say anything.
Before she can make a move to walk out of here, I decide to take my chances with honesty and I say, “You should have told me you were going to Dallas. There’s shit going on,” I remind her, but I carefully choose my tone, avoiding both harshness and reproach as I remain calm.
“I was safe with Liam. And the guys knew.”
The guys knew.
That hurts like a motherfucker. It
stabs me right in the chest that she doesn’t find it necessary to inform me of her plans anymore. It’s become so normal that it probably doesn’t even cross her mind. What I’ve done to our relationship is sure as hell hard to witness.
“I still would have wanted to know,” I say softly.
It doesn’t last long at all, but for a very brief moment I think I see something like compassion flash in her eyes.
“Well, it’s your fault the guys didn’t feel like telling you. That must have to do with the fact that you most likely didn’t want to hear my name come out of their mouths for more than a year,” she says with full honesty, but oddly, there isn’t a trace of sarcasm in her voice. “If you’ve changed your mind, I suggest you let them know. As for why I didn’t tell you; why would I have? Because we slept together last night?”
Her question is clearly rhetorical, but even if it hadn’t been, I wouldn’t have found the words to answer her. I’m too taken aback by the way she’s saying all of this. Her voice isn’t bursting with bitterness and defensiveness like every other time she’s spoken to me since she’s gotten back. Sadness is all there is to hear this time. A jaded sorrow flowing from every word.
When all I can do is keep quiet, she goes on, “What I’m about to say may sound harsh to you, but I’ll say it anyway. I didn’t come back to Twican for you. I came back despite what you did to me because I wanted to come back home. I missed being here. I still love you, it’s useless to deny it, but you and me…” She shakes her head in a defeated way. “We’ve been done for a long while now. Jesus, Jayce… Last summer you found out that you have a sister, and I had to learn something so important from Liam. Do you even realize what it felt like to finally understand how little I now mean to you? You used to tell me everything. I used to be the person you came to when you needed to talk, even before either of us knew that we’d end up together someday. And I had to learn something that important from Liam,” she repeats, a tear escaping her as powerlessness crashes hard through me.