by C. M. Marin
She hurts. She hurts because of me, and I can honestly say that I’d gladly pull a trigger on myself if it meant wiping away the hurt and sadness from her beautiful face.
What she doesn’t know is that I almost called her a hundred times last summer. But is there even a point in telling her that when in the end I never grabbed the damn phone.
“That is when reality finally sank in. We were over,” she shrugs, the same sad veil still clouding her expression. “So, what happened last night shouldn’t have happened. It was no more than an impulsive mistake.”
“Don’t say that,” I croak out then clear my throat from any trace of emotion. “It would have been a mistake if there were no more feelings between us. But you know how I feel for you.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. I don’t. You told me somehow, but only because you thought I was going to die. What I know is that for so long I’ve lived through hell not being able to see you, to touch you, or even to just talk to you. I felt lost and more alone than I had ever felt. I missed you so much I could barely breathe, and knowing you were grieving and possibly risking your life trying to get to the Spiders didn’t help. You seem to believe that I just went on with my life, but you’re wrong. Maybe you still don’t realize it, but I missed Isaac, Connor and Billy, too. I still do. And instead of letting me help you, you pushed me away. And when you did, you didn’t only take you from me, but my family, too. I felt like I lost everyone. I spent all my weekends alone in my apartment, away from home. And then no one bothered to tell me about Nate being shot. It was painful to be reminded how I didn’t belong here anymore because you decided it.”
Her tears flow down her cheeks now, and her words are like a merciless punch in my throat, depriving me of every drop of air around me. Deep down, I know I should be glad she’s finally opening up to me, losing that smartass attitude she’s hidden behind since she got back. But glad isn’t how I feel. For the first time, I understand fully what I’m responsible for. I understand what I’ve put her through. Not only wasn’t I there for her, but I also stole her family from her. It wasn’t intentional, but it’s on my shoulders anyway. I just wasn’t seeing any of that back then. Then again, besides my grief and anger, I wasn’t seeing much back then. Now I do, and she’s right. My brothers are right, too. I’ve put her through hell.
“I’m fucking sorry for what I did, Alex. So fucking sorry for what I’ve put you through. I really am,” I promise her. “I never wanted for you to feel unwelcome here. Never. You’ve always belonged here. I know it doesn’t excuse anything, but my head wasn’t straight back then. I’m so sorry for everything, but I never stopped loving you, baby.”
She swats a tear off her cheek. “I wish I could believe you, but I can’t. I trust you with my life, Jayce. Blindly. But I don’t trust you with my heart anymore.”
On these words, she walks out the door, and when her shoulder barely brushes against mine on her way out, I have to clench my fists so I don’t stop her.
Maybe the situation is worse than I thought it was. Maybe I fucked up more than I thought I did. As gut-wrenching as it is to think, maybe there’s no way for us to recover from what I did.
Chapter 13
Alexia
“This one is my favorite so far. I love it,” Colleen affirms as she taps a finger on the stack of paper she just put to rest on her lap.
She arrived this morning to spend an entire week here. And since she’s been harassing me to let her read my manuscript since the day I met her at Thanksgiving―I turned her down out of embarrassment for her to read something I’ve never allowed anyone else to come near and out of fear of her finding my work not worth a damn―I decided to gather every drop of courage in me and handed it to her about an hour ago. I’ve been waiting a little anxiously since then to hear whatever she has to say about it.
Okay, I’ve been anxious as hell. Which is why even though I stayed right beside her on the couch of her appointed bedroom every time she visits Camryn, I focused on the first draft of my second book to forget that someone who works in a publishing house is reading my manuscript. Every syllable I’ve written down within the past hour must be worth shit, but at least it kept me occupied.
“It comes close to the fifth one, but it’s still my favorite.”
“Which one is it?” I ask her, scanning a little too desperately the top sheet on her lap, but her hands and forearms are covering most of it.
“Eight. Tears threatened to leak. And trust me, these eyes don’t cry easily.”
That puts a smile on my face. Bringing tears to the reader’s eyes was the very goal.
“I can honestly say that I’m happy I made you want to cry.”
She grins. “I can see that. Seriously, it’s good so far. Great, even. The witch serving me as a boss sometimes lets me read some manuscripts, and debut novels are usually all over the place. No structure, no flow… You feel that the plot has been well thought but the execution is what sucks. Not here. It’s great, so I’m going to keep reading a bit.”
Oh, sweet, sweet words.
Relief makes me sag on the couch. “Thanks. You have no idea how ecstatic I am to hear you say that.”
She shoots another grin at me. “Were you pissing in your pants while I was reading?”
“Let’s say I was really close,” I answer truthfully, laughing. Leaving the comfortable couch behind as I stand, I go on, “Now, what about some coffee? Now that I know I’m not the shittiest writer that has ever picked up a pen, I intend to write two thousand more words tonight. And caffeine running through my veins will help with that.”
“Coffee sounds great.”
“I’ll be right back.”
The sounds of TV and light conversation travel to my ears before I even get downstairs.
It’s been quiet around the club since I’ve come back from the hospital. Even though Nate decided not to put in place a strict lockdown, they haven’t thrown any parties in the past two weeks. I wouldn’t be surprised if Liam asked them not to―maybe Jayce, too―so I can rest properly. Whatever their reason is, I’m grateful for the quiet, because writing while dozens of people are hollering in every corner of the place and music is blasting is unthinkable. But even the quiet won’t keep me here much longer. I’ve been harping on Liam about going back home, and since he stopped tossing a murderous glare my way every time I bring the topic back up, I think that he’s finally about to cave. I won’t let him have much of a choice anyway, because if I want to put some serious work into my writing, I need to be able to concentrate. Not to mention that I’ll be starting my new job in two weeks―Dr. Emerson called me yesterday with the wonderful news―which means writing full time won’t be an option any longer. It’ll leave me no more than a few hours a day to make progress on the edits of my first book and the first draft of my second one, and I’ll need a peaceful ambiance to get somewhere quicker than a couple of years.
Ben shoots me a wink on my way to the kitchen, and I wink back at him before pushing the door. And… Jayce is the only person in the room.
Of course, Jayce is the only person in the room.
It’s been six days since we slept together, and if I stopped doing my best to avoid running into him―because it’s sort of exhausting―I haven’t gotten too close to him either. And it seems to be just fine with him. He’s pretty much ignored me since I told him how I feel about what he did to me. And even if the situation doesn’t make me want to pull my hair out, the tension hanging between us has been obvious. And since he doesn’t look my way right now, I bet he must have sensed it’s me who’s in the room with him.
Sighing, I address him for the first time in days, “Can we stop doing this?”
Someone has to break the ice, right?
“Doing what?” he drawls lazily, not looking up from the sandwich he’s fixing for himself.
He knows exactly what, but let’s pretend he doesn’t.
“The silent treatment. It drives me crazy,” I admit honestly. “Can’
t we find a way to be friends?”
I can’t even blame him for the snort that leaves him harshly. The words I just pronounced echoed weirdly in my own head.
“Friends? You want us to be friends?” he asks me, his focus still away from me.
“At least two people who can address each other instead of acting like the other isn’t there when they’re alone in the same room. You know, that sort of friends,” I explain a little sarcastically.
When he turns my way and his gaze finds me, he spends a moment just staring at me. And when he finally speaks before this starts to get awkward, I’m left confused by what he says.
“Sure. And if you want we can share a drink later while you tell me all about your boyfriend. Can’t wait.” His own sarcasm pours from his voice, and his eyes are now hard on me.
I frown, even more confused. “What? I don’t… You know I don’t have a boyfriend.”
He knows that. I really don’t know what his problem is. And I don’t know why I even defend myself, especially since he seems to think that I couldn’t have a boyfriend if I wanted to.
“I already know what you think about me keeping an eye on you this past year, so let’s not go back there,” he says, and I’m at a complete loss as to where this conversation has gone to. But I don’t have time to do anything else than stare at him before he states, “It is what it is. It also means I’ve seen the face of that college boy the five times you went out with him.”
Like I said: lost.
“And?” I probe.
“You kidding me, Alex?” he growls. “Look, I get that I made the worst mistake of my life when I cut ties with you. Believe me, I get it, and I’m living with the consequences every fucking day. I lost the right to have a say in your life, I get that, too. But don’t lie to me. I saw him in town. Well, not in town, but leaving the hospital. I went there with Liam to take care of the bills and have a look around since you’re going to be there daily soon.”
“Malcolm?” I blurt out, starting to understand his cryptic outburst, oddly easily letting go of the fact he and my brother probably spent hours memorizing every corner and emergency exit at my workplace. “He has family around here. An old aunt. He grew up a few miles away from here, actually. And I haven’t even started to work yet,” I remind him. “And in case you haven’t noticed either, I’m basically held prisoner in here. I promise I haven’t been sneaking out the window at night,” I smile dryly.
His gaze sinks into mine for another silent moment.
“Are you going to reach out to see him?” he asks me at last, his voice tight.
Exhaustion resonates loudly in the sigh I blow out. “No, Jayce. No, I am not going to do that. If I had wanted to keep seeing him, I wouldn’t have put a stop to things before I left Dallas.” A groaning sound tangled with frustration leaves me then. “We really need to find a way to work things out between us. This whole walking-on-eggshells thing is going to drive me insane. I miss how simple it used to be between us.”
I miss him, more accurately. But I would have a real nerve confessing that aloud.
“I do, too,” he admits easily. “But if there’s one thing you can’t ask of me, it’s being your fucking friend,” he spits the last word.
He grabs his sandwich from the counter and walks toward me as I’m still standing by the door. When he stops right in front of me, his strong, sexy body towering over me, my breathing mechanically shortens.
“Do you think anyone can be friends with someone who’s in their head twenty-four-seven? Don’t think so,” he answers his own question. “Every time I see you walking into a room, I want to snatch you up and bring you to my bed to rip your clothes off. Every time I see you rolled up on a couch, I want to come snuggle on it with you. I’d do anything for you, baby. Being your friend is the only thing I won’t.”
Every inch of my skin tingles with goosebumps even though he hasn’t even touched me. I want it so badly, but the next thing I know, he’s stepping aside and pushing through the door, leaving me alone to inhale a much-needed breath.
It’s time I move out of here, and Liam will have to suck it up. At least if Jayce is out of my sight, I’ll get to pretend that he isn’t right. I’ll get to pretend that staying away from him is possible. Because right now, I’m not so sure. Right now, I can’t help but wonder whether I can be friends with him when everything he said is true for me, too.
Chapter 14
Jayce
Despite the closed front door, the gunfire that resonates in a loud string of thundering sounds outside of the club travels to us easily. Every member’s reaction is instant. Those of us who carry guns pull them out as they jump up from their couch or chair, their breakfasts forgotten, and the rest reach for the nearest weapons stocked behind the bar. In a matter of seconds, we are all racing to the door. And when tires squeal outside, the fear thumping in my ears is all I can focus on.
Alexia.
She and Liam went to the warehouse just a few minutes ago to leave the club in an SUV.
I’m outside just in time to see Liam driving back toward the entrance of the warehouse on the other side of the building. The glimpse I have at the bullet impacts scattered all over the windshield―well mostly on the driver’s side, from what I can see―unfurls a crimson rage battling with a terror that has my hands dampening and my heart racing despite the voice in my head shouting at me that the car is bulletproof. Because there’s still another voice whispering to me that if one bullet got through anyway…
Into the otherwise quiet morning, another engine roars in the street, but the sound fades as the driver flees away.
Son of a bitch.
“Go back in, lock down, and eight of us take two SUVs now,” Nate decides without wasting a single second, turning on his heels and showing the way.
We all rush back in, but I let them take care of the lockdown. My mind is already set on the warehouse, my blood icy-cold and boiling at the same time. A sprint brings me behind the bar and down the stairs leading to the basement, and my stomach lurches when I reach my goal and see Liam hopping out of the car in a palpable hurry while Alex’s door stays terrifyingly closed.
“No, Alex!”
“She’s alright, J. She hasn’t been hit.”
As if proving Liam’s reassuring statement, the passenger door opens, and I reach Alex just in time to help her climb out.
“Look at me,” I command softly, fighting so hard to frame her face as gently as I can possibly manage.
Instantly, she does as I say, and I only briefly gauge her eyes because she quickly starts looking around us at my brothers filling two cars, forcing me to let go of her face.
“I’m okay. Go,” she tells me before I can ask her how she’s really doing. Then she’s walking away from me and toward the stairs as I can’t move. As though she senses that my eyes are unable to leave her, she throws a look over her shoulder and repeats, “Go. Be careful,” she adds and reaches the stairs, quickly disappearing from sight.
I’m fucking stuck as to what to do. But before I can convince myself to run after her, take her to my room and shield her from the world, the cars behind me roar to life and I force myself to get in the closest one and slam the door.
“Whoever was in that car, I want them dead,” I bark as Blane already has the car barging out of the warehouse.
In the rearview mirror, I get a quick look at his lethal eyes set ahead of him as he launches us into the street.
I’m aware that he couldn’t possibly drive faster, yet it feels like we’re moving at a snail’s pace. Maybe it’s because after twenty long seconds of barreling down the street that the other car took―a black SUV, similar to our own, according to Liam―it’s still nowhere to be seen. Blane keeps driving, heading toward the town limits. That’s where the bastards must be heading, too. They’d have to be dangerously suicidal to keep their asses in Twican. They can’t expect to hide discreetly around here with a car like theirs. And even they wouldn’t be stupid enough to stop in
some alley to try to fool us. The risk of being trapped if we stumbled across them is too high, even they would know that.
“Think they could have opted for taking the direction opposite to their shithole knowing we’d drive toward there?” Ben seethes.
“Seems like they did just that,” Blane answers on an angry growl.
“Fuck!” Liam roars, slamming a hand onto the dashboard.
Though my rage doesn’t express itself in the form of bellowed words or violent thump, my breathing is harsh, and my fists are clenched to a painful point as minutes keep passing.
Still no fucking SUV in sight.
“Fuck. Go back to the club, Blane. This is pointless,” Nate decides, taking it upon himself to voice what everyone must be thinking.
Anger reverberates in thick waves inside the car, but silence is all there is to hear until we pull back up into the warehouse ten minutes later.
“Fucking cowards,” Ben spits out as he leaves the car, fury radiating from him. “I can’t wait to tear their guts out of their fucking bodies.”
And that’s gonna happen. Literally. Sooner or later, we’ll get to them, and they can count on leaving this world in the most painful way.
We’re all striding our way up the stairs as Nate says, “We’ll put eyes on their clubhouse as of tomorrow. I want the damn proof that they’re the ones on us, and they’ll have no choice but to drive out of their club if they intend to pull that shit again. I don’t care if it takes a week or a month, I want that proof. I want everyone in the meeting room in a minute,” he states.
“I’ll get Cody,” Brent says.
“I’m checking on Alex first,” Liam says. “I’ll catch up.”
“Let me do that. I’ll go see her,” I tell him.
Hesitation plays on his face for a moment. He’s still wary of me and my intentions when it comes to his sister, and it’ll probably take time for him to trust me again. But as soon as he nods swiftly, I jog up the stairs, not giving him time to change his mind. Though I would have gone to her even if he had said no, but he doesn’t need to know that.