Magic and Mayhem: The Witch, The Weeds, and The Were (Kindle Worlds Novella) (Spaghetti Romance Book 1)

by Jordan K. Rose

  Red and green sparks flew about the room, bouncing from chair to chair, across the walls, up to the ceiling, and down to the floor. In seconds Maria magically cleaned the house, which was not her favorite method. When it came to housekeeping, anyone who knew her knew she loved to scrub with her own hands, a fact that even Jackie thought was weird.

  As the cleaning sparks subsided a large cloud of pink and gold swirled in the center of the foyer.

  “You invite your mother here to this pigsty.” Maria hustled about wiping and dusting, spritzing and cleaning up the last few particles of dust left in the “pigsty.”

  “My house is not a pigsty.” Daniel stacked a couple of papers on the counter, then fluffed three pillows on the couch before rushing to Maria’s side to help organize the firewood by the hearth. “I keep a very clean house.”

  Funny how an unexpected visit from the neat-freak in-laws could make some men crazy.

  “Do you keep the house?” Maria asked. “You?”

  “It’s my house and it’s clean.” Daniel pulled the dust cloth from Maria’s hand and swiped it over the mantle as each item magically rose out of his way. “It doesn’t matter how I do it.”

  “Hmm. This is what all children are like. Ungrateful.” Maria pulled the dust cloth back and gave the end table a quick once over, rearranging the twenty-five year old picture of Daniel’s smiling mother crouched beside him at his kindergarten graduation. “Did you send her flowers like I told you?”

  “Yes ma’am.” Daniel held open his hands to catch the football Maria found hidden behind the couch. “Did exactly as you said.” He opened a drawer and dropped the ball inside.

  “Good boy.” Maria turned and smiled the “that’s-what-I-like-to-hear” smile.

  The swirling pink and gold cloud took on a shimmer and looked like a magic waterfall pouring from above the front door to cascade onto the tile entranceway.

  “Dinga donga,” a very familiar Italian accented voice said.

  “Oh, do come in,” said a second equally as accented voice.

  “Why thank you. I will.”

  From out of the cloud emerged two witches, one of whom looked just like Jackie and Maria, though slightly older and dressed in an adorable little black dress and shawl with shiny red kitten heels and her hair pulled up into a bun. The other one, who was considerably shorter and wearing dyed waist-length blonde hair, long red fingernails, and Goddess help us all, a Madonna bra with skin tight jeans looked more like a teenager gone wild.

  Chapter Twelve

  “Oh, here she is, our little girl.” Nonna Tortellani, generally known to her friends as Nella, grinned and raised her hands to form pinchers with her fingers, pinchers that slowly moved toward Jackie’s cheeks.

  If she hadn’t been one of Jackie’s favorite people in the entire world, Jackie would have run even knowing it was a futile effort. It was clear Baba Yaga had been visiting Nonna Tortellani. For a distant relation Baba Yagagagirlwithyourtasteinclothes had a new and incredible influence over Nonna’s fashion sense. It was entirely possible the two women might have been kindred spirits rather than distant relations.

  “Ah, so beautiful.” Nonna Sopressata, who went by “Sue,” held her arms open wide and waited with one arm crossed over one of Nella’s arms.

  “Stop that.” Nella jerked her arm away and tossed her blonde hair at Sue. “You block my path to my sweet granddaughter, the love of my life.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Sue opened her arms wider and pushed Nella behind her. “My daughter birthed her. I should hug her first.”

  “My son is her father. She has his name. I should hug her.”

  “No, I should.”

  This competition over who would hug Jackie first went on for a rapid twenty-second sprint of arms flying with fingers practice pinching the air. In an awkward battle to reach Jackie first the two women came from the foyer into the living room, magically removing any furniture blocking their path.

  “Thanks for getting that chair,” Nella said.

  “The coffee table!” Sue said, bending forward sharply, then bolting upright with arms out, thus sending Nella stumbling to the left only to recover without missing a step and managing to get one pinching arm over Maria’s shoulder.

  As the table slid sideways, Nella said, “Of course.”

  And this is why grandmothers were problems. They were in a constant “friendly” competition over EVERYTHING!

  Jackie stood up before the two women toppled onto her and was instantly engulfed in four grabbing arms that locked around her like vice grips. Kisses smooshed her face and head. Fingers pinched.

  “Oh. So. Beautiful.” Kiss. Kiss. Pinch. Pinch. Kiss.

  “Oh, my sweet baby girl. So long gone. We missed you.” Kiss. Kiss. Squeeze. Squeeze, and lift, and kiss, and pinch.

  Jackie could hardly breathe for the welcoming attack. “Hi Nonna.” She kissed each one and tried fruitlessly to untangle herself. “I can’t breathe.”

  “She can’t breathe?” Nonna Tortellani asked as both women stopped moving. “Why can’t she breathe? She’s not well? What happened? You’re sick?” She clasped Nonna Sopressata’s hands. “She’s sick! Oh my Goddess! She’s sick!”

  “Sick? Sick! What happened?” Nonna Soppressata screamed. “Sick! My Goddess. Our girl!”

  From nowhere a hospital bed appeared and Jackie found herself lying flat on her back while both her grandmothers, now dressed in grieving widow garb, stood on either side of the bed each holding a small bowl of something steaming.

  “Oh, Goddess, please save our little one,” Nonna Tortellani cried.

  “She’s too young. Too young to die!” Nonna Soppressata bawled. “Eat. Eat something.”

  Jackie slowly turned her head to her parents and mouthed, “Help me.”

  Tony scratched his head and wore his “I have no idea what’s happening” look. How in the world he was ever confused by these situations, Jackie could not understand. Every time the two grandmothers were together, which was always because for some inexplicable reason they were drawn to each other like spaghetti and meatballs, they blew everything out of proportion, misinterpreted most everything they heard, and then overreacted.

  Of course, this only applied to the four people in the room with them. Amazingly, when it came to anyone other than their children, they acted like perfectly normal witches, which may or may not have been saying anything good.

  But the whole idea was that for some unknown and bizarre reason these two generally rational (though Nonna Tortellani’s recent strange change in attire choices put that description into question) women made the leap into the land of lunatics when it came to family.

  It was really embarrassing to take them to public functions. Really embarrassing.

  “Mom, she’s fine.” Maria stripped the blanket off Jackie. “Up.” She hitched a thumb, and Jackie jumped off the bed.

  “Fine? She’s fine. You’re sure?” Nonna Soppressata grabbed Jackie’s face and studied her eyes. “Say ahhhh.”

  Jackie did as she was told.

  “Hmm. What do you think, Nella?”

  Nonna Tortellani’s head appeared at Sue’s shoulder. “Point her down. I can’t see.”

  Jackie’s face tilted forward and Nonna Tortellani tugged on her chin, then pinched her right cheek hard enough to draw tears.

  “Ah, yeah, she looks good.” Nonna Tortellani patted Jackie’s sore cheek.

  “Okay. Looks good. She always looks good.” Nonna Soppressata kissed Jackie’s sorer than ever cheek. “But you’re too skinny.”

  “Oh, yes. Too skinny.” Nonna Tortellani needled Jackie in the ribs. “I feel bone here.”

  They both nodded.

  “You know we’re witches, right?” Jackie couldn’t help it. She knew arguing with the two of them was useless, but she had to point out the obvious. “Super-fast metabolism, remember?”

  “Don’t be fresh. Of course, we remember.” Nonna Soppressata let go of her che
eks. “But you have it in your blood to be a little fuller-figured.” She nodded toward Nonna Tortellani.

  Tony’s eyes widened and he jumped forward. “Mom, come here. Let’s talk about Daniel and how badly he’s treated our girl.” He grabbed Nella just as she turned around, wearing a skin-tight black cat suit and holding her wand. She looked liked a super-sexy Nonna-soldier heading to battle. It was truly disturbing.

  “Wait, what?” Daniel, who had managed to remain out of sight for the whirlwind welcoming known as The Nonnas, asked. For that alone he deserved what was coming.

  “Good idea.” Maria conjured up an espresso maker. “This one is mine. I know how much you like espresso, but you’ll need to get your own,” she said over her shoulder to Daniel. “Add it to the list.”

  The pad and pen again appeared before Jackie.

  “And flower pots. You need pots to go under all these little plants.” Nonna Soppressata pointed behind her, and Jackie looked.

  To her horror several petunia plants had begun growing on the tables, up the stairs, and across the mantle. Cricket flew overhead, stopping for a few brief seconds at each plant before buzzing off to the next.

  “Add it to the list,” Maria yelled.

  Three rose bushes climbed up the outside of the glass doors, lush red blooms opened wide. Bleeding hearts dangled from branches across the back of the couch.

  “Oh shit!”

  “Hey! You don’t talk that way!” A sharp smack hit Jackie in the back of the head.

  “Ow!”

  “Oh.” Nonna Soppressata rubbed Jackie’s head. “Why are you back with this boy who treats you so badly? Look at him.”

  A quick peek at Daniel made Jackie’s hips wiggle twice. He stood with his arms folded over his chest, perfectly mismatched eyes staring down at her mother and Nonna Tortellani. He was the bravest werewolf she knew. Goddess knew she never wanted to deal with the two of them at once.

  “I’ve treated her badly?” Daniel growled.

  “Yeah!” Nonna Tortellani puffed up her chest, jammed both fists on her hips. “You want to explain yourself, punk?”

  “What? You have to be kidding me?” Daniel snapped.

  Jackie quickly looked away. She had her own issues to address. Trying to save him or getting wrapped up in watching him deal with her mother and grandmother was not wise.

  In a few minutes the living room would be an overgrown garden come to life. Years of practice made letting the sounds of their raised voices fade into the background possible. It was time to focus.

  “He’s handsome, that one,” Nonna Soppressata said. “Reminds me of your grandfather.” She paused for a long minute. “No, that’s wrong. He reminds me of Harry Van Rhetberg. Very handsome. Strong. Oh, nice.” She whistled low. “Niiiicce.”

  “Mom!” Maria snapped. “You’re supposed to talk about how bad Daniel is. Not your affairs with over-sexed warlocks.”

  Nonna Soppressata leaned in and whispered, “Your mother is such a tight ass. She’s no damn fun.” Then she winked and stood back. “Right. Young lady, you have a lot of explaining to do.”

  “What explaining?” Jackie asked, confused about whether she should throw a petunia or a bleeding heart into the fire. Zapping either with a frost bomb didn’t have any effect.

  “Who runs out on her husband before the honeymoon?” Nonna Soppressata asked.

  “That’s the best sex,” Nonna Tortellani said, then pointed her wand at Daniel. “Not that you should be having sex with our girl. She’s a nice girl. Don’t go getting any ideas.”

  “They are married, Nella,” Nonna Soppressata said.

  “True, Sue, very true. And sex happens during marriage,” Nonna Tortellani said.

  “Yes, sex happens,” Nonna Soppressata agreed.

  Both women turned to face each other. Nella laughed. “Do you remember—”

  “We are not here to discuss your sexcapades!” Maria shouted. “We have a job to complete in…” She grabbed Tony’s wrist to see his watch. “Ugh! Fifteen minutes. That’s it. That’s all we have. Now stay on track!”

  “What the hell is going on?” Jackie asked, humming three petunias and five bleeding hearts into the fire.

  “Stop that! Plants and flowers sprung from love and not from seed avoid the fire and come to me.” Nonna Soppressata spoke the words and the plants stopped mid-flight, turned, and zoomed to the pots she had conjured.

  “Do you love her?” Nonna Tortellani demanded and literally climbed up Daniel’s body, clung to his chest, and pointed her wand at the man’s jugular.

  “You know I do,” he said in the slowest, calmest voice Jackie ever heard.

  “If you truly loved her, you wouldn’t kill her magic.” Nonna Tortellani jabbed the wand into Daniel’s skin.

  “She’s killing her own magic.” He picked Nonna Tortellani up off his chest and placed her on the floor. “We’ve discussed this a thousand times. She’s the one who doesn’t love me.”

  Both grandmothers looked at Jackie. “You said you loved him,” Nonna Soppressata said.

  “That’s exactly what you told us in Rio,” Nonna Tortellani said. “You weren’t lying, were you? You couldn’t lie to us. You wouldn’t.” Nonna Tortellani sank onto a stool at the island. “Does our girl lie to us?” A sob honked.

  “That was only five days ago.” Nonna Soppressata lowered herself to the couch. “Maybe she’s changed her mind. Maybe she’s not lying but just changed her mind. How could you change your mind about loving him in only five day’s time?”

  “What?” Jackie’s parents and Daniel all said at the same time.

  “Five days ago?” Tony asked.

  “Five days ago you were with your grandmothers, yet your own mother hasn’t seen you in twelve years?” Maria’s voice hitched.

  “You told them you love me?” Daniel asked.

  Jackie considered throwing herself in the fire.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “I did not come here for all of this!” Jackie hurled another plant at the fire only to have it turn around and jump into one of Nonna Soppressata’s pots.

  “I came here for a purpose. Forced by Baba Yaga to…to…well, I’m here and not because I wanted to be lectured, pinched, or yelled at.” Jackie wasn’t sure what else to do with herself because she couldn’t teleport out and she couldn’t march out and she couldn’t explain why she was there.

  “It’s best if everyone leave so I can figure out what I need to do and then be done.” She tapped her foot.

  Maria cried.

  Tony hugged his wife.

  Both grandmothers shook their heads.

  Daniel glared.

  “Don’t cry, Mom.” A hard painfully slow moving lump crept from Jackie’s chest up her throat. There was no escaping guilt.

  Jackie had managed to avoid it for quite a while, not twelve years because no Italian mother let any child she birthed live guiltless for that long, but maybe it had been a few months.

  “You’ve been visiting your grandmothers and not me?” Maria wailed.

  Daniel handed her a tissue and rubbed her back. He looked at Jackie with absolute disappointment. “She hasn’t visited me either and supposedly she loves me.”

  Both grandmothers nodded.

  Jackie was beginning to hate herself.

  “I couldn’t come back.”

  “Why?” Daniel slid a stool around the bar for Tony, who continued hugging Maria as if they were grieving the loss of a newborn. “No one told you to leave.” Daniel sat on the other side of Maria, rubbing her back and shaking his head.

  Brownish, grayish, pukish green smoke swirled at Jackie’s feet. Something tickled her neck, and when she reached to swat it away she realized it was Bella Donna.

  “Oh dear,” Nonna Soppressata said.

  “Fine. You want to do this? We’ll do it.” The smoke rose up to Jackie’s knees. “You might as well have told me to leave. Your parents threatened to disown you for marrying me and you buckled! Mine forbade me from
seeing you and I still snuck out. I still planned to give up everything to be with you.”

  The cloud of superbly ugly magic was now waist high and spanned out across the living room, making the grandmothers’ heads appear to float bodiless. More dark green than brown or gray colored the streams, but it still looked like crap.

  “Everything! I was willing to give up all this.” Jackie waved her hand at the smog she somehow created every time she thought about this situation. “I even fell out of a second floor window trying to get to you! I broke three ribs.”

  Something hit the sliding glass door out to the yard making a loud thump.

  Peering through the smoke Jackie saw a monstrous poison ivy plant climbing up the house, followed by several lush ferns and an odd smattering of poppies.

  “I never asked you to give this up. I never asked you to give up anything. Why would I? I loved you as a witch. You were perfect as you. I never wanted you to change,” Daniel said.

  Jackie huffed and closed her eyes, certain that if she searched the hidden recesses of her mind she would find some sort of charm that might at the very least slow the movement of the way-out-of-season flora taking over the house.

  “You’re the one who wanted to change. You wanted to prove you could do everything without magic. Why? Why would you try to be something you’re not?” Daniel asked.

  “You said if I wasn’t a witch things would be different.” Jackie remembered the day as if it had happened yesterday.

  They’d stood in the school cafeteria in the middle of lunch. Daniel told her if she was different, not a witch, his parents wouldn’t have been so pissed about the marriage. They might have even accepted Jackie.

  The news crushed her heart to a million pieces. She had always believed Mr. and Mrs. Ridgeback liked her. To hear they wished she was something other than a witch was devastating, and that pain still twisted her heart.

  Vapors spread out through the entire first floor and floated up the stairs, the color darkening to a nearly opaque mud color.