Notes On Love

by K. L. Shandwick

  I shrugged, inhaling deeply. I wanted to. I’ll admit the thought of trying to find her; about seeing her again, excited me. But did I want to go back? Would she? Maybe she was madly in love by now or had kids even. My heart fell to my stomach when that thought crossed my mind. Why go after something that had been a perfect moment? Something I had walked away from. There was no doubt in my mind about how pissed she’d have been to have received my text. Hell, I’d have been pissed to have been on the receiving end of that.

  “Could be opening a whole can of worms,” I stated.

  “Could be the best single thing you ever do for yourself too,” she countered. “Look, all I know is that since the moment we stepped off the plane here in Miami you’ve been this brooding, moody, guy with thoughts that are miles away. I mean you have never allowed me to sleep in your bed, yet last night you did, not forgetting the fact that you never touched me last night…or this morning, but it makes sense now.”

  “What does?”

  “You still love her. Being here has opened old wounds. That’s why I’m saying find her. Give yourself, and her, the closure you didn’t when you ran away with your tail between your legs.”

  “I never loved her. I’ve never been in love. Finding her sounds easy when you say it, but she’s probably got a whole different life to the one we lived back then.”

  “Life is only as complicated as you want to make it, Gray. If you’re feeling this bad, and man, let me tell you, I’ve never seen you look as miserable as you have since you came into this diner…You either put it to bed by finding out what the deal is with her, or you let it slide completely. Hanging onto the past will never allow you to be truly happy in the future. You never know, she may be a lonely singleton with a cat.”

  Visualizing Hettie as a lonely cat woman made me smile. “Never. She was full of fun, sassy, and smart. She may have wanted to teach, but she was hot as fuck.” I stopped and remembered what Phoebe was to me, and wondered for a second if what I said hurt her.

  “What’s that look for? You think it bothers me…you talking about her? Think again, Gray. You and me, we’re just having fun. I don’t want to have your babies or anything. I’m not the settling down kind, and if Brody wasn’t married, I’d throw you over and I’d drop my drawers for him in a heartbeat.”

  I chuckled heartily at her comment. She told me she fantasized about his cock after he got drunk and skinny dipped in the hotel pool during one of our more outrageous after-parties. His Apadravya piercing drove women wild.

  “See, there’s the guy I want to fuck. That cheeky, sexy smile that reaches his eyes, the guy who looks like he’s the life and soul of the party. The smile that makes me wet and all words pointless,” she said, circling her index finger around my face. When she made me conscious of it, it felt unfamiliar and I knew she was right. I wasn’t aware I hadn’t moved on but I knew I hadn’t smiled much since we’d touched down in Florida. Phoebe was right. I felt hesitant about attempting to touch base with the past, but I accepted she could be right. Maybe exorcizing the ghost of Hettie would free my mind and let me move on.

  Chapter 5

  Self-centered ~ Hettie

  2012

  “Why didn’t you wake me?” Harris’ agitated voice barked down the line at me when I answered my cell. I was down in the garage where I was loading my car with text books, student papers, and my healthy boxed lunch.

  “You were sleeping so soundly,” I lied after leaving him sleeping when I snuck out of the apartment before he woke up. My feelings were bruised from the night before and I’d spent the night tossing and turning, unable to sleep. No matter how annoyed he was about my actions, his words couldn’t have pulled me any lower. I didn’t care much about anything because I was exhausted before my day had begun. For the first time in my career I was dreading my grade eleven’s smart talk in the first session of the morning.

  “Meet me for dinner, Lobster Claw at 7:00 pm, yeah?” His voice switched from irritated to the softer tone I recognized whenever he’d wanted me to agree to something.

  “Can’t we just have takeout? We’ve been out four nights in a row. I really need to catch up on my work, Harris,” I replied, not bothering to hide my own aggravation.

  “Come on, honey, all those other nights were about my work, this one is for us,” he cooed.

  “Yes, Harris, that’s right. The past four nights have been about your career, now I need to concentrate on mine for a while. I’m falling behind. There is so much work and the final year exams are looming. I don’t have any more wiggle room right now.”

  “Oh come on, Hettie, please. I want to celebrate my promotion with my girl. Just the two of us. When was the last time we had a romantic dinner?”

  Frustration built in my chest making it tight, but I knew that Harris would continue to wear me down all day with text messages if I didn’t concede. “All right, but we need to be back by 9:00 pm. I have a good three hours of work to deal with this evening.”

  “Sure. Nine. It’ll be nice. You won’t regret it.”

  Harris ended the call without saying goodbye once he had what he wanted. No well wishes for the day or words of affection and it had left me more disgruntled about his behavior toward me than I had been the night before. Pushing my key into the ignition, I headed to school for my testing day ahead. Classes packed full of fourteen and fifteen-year-old horny, cocky teenage boys were never easy at the best of times, and they were capable of sucking the life out of any teacher who showed the slightest weakness toward them.

  My chest tightened in anger when I thought of how Harris didn’t see my career to be as important as his. Mine was to inspire and shape the inquiring minds of kids who would one day be our next generation in the workplace. It was a huge responsibility. It’ll be interesting to see how Harris views our status now that he’s gotten a promotion and rise in pay.

  ****

  As I drove into the school parking lot, an unfamiliar song came on the radio, but the unforgettable voice of the male singer set my senses on fire. Without a shadow of a doubt I knew it was Gray, the boy who’d left me broken. Suddenly, my heart beat at a pace no one else had made it race like since. It stalled and fluttered excitedly when I recognized Gray Dennison’s sexy, low, raspy, tone. It resonated throughout my whole body, evoking those feelings of heartache and longing I had almost forgotten. I sat still, listening to the same sexy, distinctive London accent of his that I had been instantly turned on by.

  Crazy days were so easy.

  Sweating, fucking to please me.

  A smile, a dance, a brush of her hand.

  A kiss without promise, a walk in the sand.

  I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply as my mind spun into a chaotic jumble of thoughts that made my chest tighten, this time in a whole different way. My stomach clenched and my poor excited soul sparked with hope for a second. I had missed him every single day for the longest time, and suddenly, he felt close. In my imagination, he was right next to me.

  Listening to the words, I knew the song he sang was about us, his lyrics capturing us to perfection. The focus of the words documented the physical relationship, his account recounted the simplicity of the relationship he felt we’d had. There was no doubt in my mind Gray had immortalized our time together honestly through his music, except for the part where he’d left without a word of goodbye.

  Pain radiated in my chest as my aching heart squeezed when I remembered the text he’d sent. Tears threatened and I felt a lump in my throat when I remembered yet again how he’d abandoned me. Inhaling deeply, I shrugged off the wave of emotion that threatened to drag me back seven years, to a personal hell I was fortunate to survive, and I turned off the radio.

  Reaching for the handle of my car door as I tried to shake off my blast with the past, I fought hard, ignoring the desperation that climbed into my chest. I fought it back while I tried bravely to get my mind into the right head space to focus on my profession. It wasn’t my s
tudents’ faults that I fell in love all those years ago. There was no way I would allow my personal feelings or the sudden shock of hearing his voice to affect my students from having the best of me for that day. I was shaken but determined not to allow Gray to immobilize me in the way he once did.

  “Morning Ms. Lawson.”

  I nodded and gave a small smile to my students.

  “Good morning, are we all ready to learn? Any drama I should know about before we get started on our sparks of genius today?”

  Disgruntled teenage grumbles followed my question and I smirked, remembering how I had reacted to my science teacher at their age. “All right, let us open our laptops and enter this address please. We are going to revise the nitrogen cycle a few more times before we move onto classification and nomenclature of species.”

  Several times during the lesson I was surprised at the level of knowledge they’d retained as the result of previous classes gave them a drip-effect to build on their learning. At each level, the same topic was revisited in more detail than the last. This was a common learning methodology used to inspire a keener interest in science.

  Time dragged slowly until the welcome sound of the school bell signaled the end of the day, and my last class was dismissed. No matter how hard I had tried to distract myself, I still thought of Gray. My last session had been the worst, and I had resorted to instructing the boys to focus on some self-directed learning via the internet. For once, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to teach them anything else. One thought had consumed me like a flashing neon sign in my mind. If Gray was on the radio was he here? Was his band being promoted in the US?

  I wasn’t sure how I’d cope when I thought he may be successful stateside. One thing was certain, Gray had hurt me badly. I dreaded the thought I’d have to see his face. How could I entertain the possibility of him passing through my life again, even if that was only on TV or the radio?

  Gathering up my text books, and boxes, I slung my satchel over my shoulder and headed out of the classroom with the horrible dull ache of loss back in my stomach. The pain felt like a warning signal I couldn’t afford to ignore. Sad, overwhelming feelings I once had consumed me. The saddest part of all was if I was offered the chance to see him again, just once, I doubted my ability to resist his beguiling ways.

  The ending with Gray was miserable but the five weeks I had spent in his arms were still imprinted in my mind…it was totally unforgettable. Gray was so different from Harris and when I remembered how attentive he was toward me, I knew it wasn’t going to help me accept the bullshit Harris had spun me for so long.

  “Hettie,” Meryl, an office admin called urgently, as I pushed the door with my butt to leave the building. Turning I looked toward her as she walked toward me, waving a piece of paper. Her kitten heels clacked loudly on the linoleum floor and echoed everywhere.

  “Someone called inquiring about you today. It was an English man.” My heart stopped for a beat. “Now, I never said you worked here, but he was insistent that if you did, I should pass his number onto you. His tone sounded pretty urgent, and said he was only in Miami for a few days.”

  By the time she’d finished talking my heart rate had doubled. I felt my pulse throb in my neck while blood rushed through my head and swam in my ears. I stared back at her, my mind momentarily blank. Holding the small, square memo note out she handed it to me with a tight smile, “I hope I did the right thing, but you know our policies, we can’t release staff information.”

  I smiled warmly, taking the small pink piece of paper, and thanked her for her diligence in protecting my privacy. Glancing down at the handwritten number I saw his name and my heart flipped right over inside my chest. Gray Dennison was back in the country and looking for me.

  “Are you okay, Hettie? He’s not bringing bad news, is he?”

  Looking Meryl straight in the eyes, I wasn’t going to lie. “Maybe. No…I mean…he’s someone I used to know. I just don’t know what he wants with me now. It’s been seven years since the last time I spoke with him.”

  God knows how, but I managed to get out of the corridor and I made it to the trunk of my car without thinking too much. My legs shook, all function practically deserting me, my coordination letting me down while I clutched my car for support and clamored around the side. Once I’d felt my way to the driver’s door I slid into the driver’s side and closed the door behind me.

  In an instant, the world fell silent for a second. A heartbeat later, butterflies rose in my belly while my heart’s rhythm fluttered in my chest. Everything around me ceased to exist as I stared at the tiny scrap of Post-it notepaper between my fingers.

  Dry mouthed and breathless, my whole body betrayed me, vibrating with excitement at the thought Gray had sought me out. For the first couple of seconds my mind had been wiped blank again as I sat in the quiet of my car, until my thoughts reconnected and my chest tightened again. Once my feelings and emotions were synchronized, I rummaged in my satchel for my cell phone and pulled it out. Staring at the screen, my fingers struggled shakily to press the buttons on the small keypad. When I heard it connect I held my breath at the first ring.

  Seven times it rang and with each cycle I felt my confidence deflate, by the fifth ring panic had begun to rise inside as I wondered if Meryl had recorded his number correctly. By the time I had checked that, it had rung twice more. One ring cycle for each year since I’d last seen him. Click.

  “Yeah?” A voice asked.

  “Hello?” My heart beat at a mile a minute but one word didn’t guarantee it was him.

  “Yeah,” the voice came back again. There wasn’t enough to decide if there was an accent.

  “Who is this?” I probed.

  “God, Hettie. Is it really you?” a shockwave ran through me when he said my name.

  “Last time I looked I was me,” I replied as I tried to be cocky.

  Gray snickered into his phone. “Still the same smart ass as I remember,” he said with a smile in his voice. He sounded incredible, but I signaled a warning to myself not to be sucked into his charm. “It’s been a long time, how have you been?”

  “Good. You?” I replied. I felt anxious and my heart fluttered erratically every few beats.

  “I’m back here in Miami for a few days. CraVed, my band, finally got airtime in the US. I’m at a loose end tonight and tomorrow if you’d like to meet me. Dinner?”

  “Just like that?” His invitation took me by surprise and left me deflated. I’d expected more emotion, excitement… a rushed apology even, for the way he’d left the last time.

  “Why not? I’d like to see you.”

  “You haven’t even asked if I’m married or anything,” I said as my heart sunk to the pit of my stomach in disappointment. I wasn’t sure if this was because Gray just assumed I’d drop everything and go, or because I’d already agreed to have dinner with Harris and couldn’t. Do I want to see him again? Do I want to put myself through all the angst and hurt I felt after he went away last time? Of course I did. If I was honest it was something I’d wished for many times over the years. I was beyond curious to see how he was in the flesh.

  “Does it matter?”

  “Would it matter to you if I was your woman and some rock star called wanting to take me to dinner?”

  “Hell, yeah, but I figured you wouldn’t have called me if you didn’t want to see me.” I’d forgotten how cocksure Gray was, but he was right. I wanted it more with every passing minute, but I couldn’t.

  “It just so happens I’m meeting my partner for dinner tonight, so sorry but I’m going to have to take a rain check.” I never thought I’d see the day where I’d choose him second over anything else, but I had to at least try to resolve my issues with Harris.

  “Breakfast? It’s Saturday tomorrow. You don’t have school or anything, right?” he asked and I felt secretly pleased he wasn’t put off by my rejection.

  Saturdays normally consisted of Harris sitting spraw
led across the larger of our two sofas, his laptop in hand, printed spreadsheets strewn all around him, and an oversized cup of coffee perched on the edge of the table. I was usually still in my pajamas, sitting Indian style on my bed marking papers or making lesson plans for the following week.

  Swirling thoughts of denial crowded inside my head, an imaginary neon sign flashed beware, but I couldn’t deny my heart still beat rapidly to the tune of Gray’s unmistakable and seductive voice. The one I fell heavily for once, impressed by how different he was.

  As I took a deep breath my eyes roamed around the dashboard of my car. Warm feelings of excitement made my whole being vibrate and my mouth run dry. Taking deep breaths, I tried desperately to slow my swift, shallow breathing. Signals from my head to my heart warned it of feelings it had taken a long time to come to terms with, live with. I heard myself answer “No…I have nothing much going on.”

  “Breakfast?” My hesitancy was only natural for all the months of misery I’d endured once he’d gone. He’d left me with an ache in my heart while my emotions wreaked havoc because of how depressed I had been. Thinking of Gray always ended the same way, with a lump in my throat and tears that fell in big fat droplets because I thought I’d never see him again. Did I want to deal with that all over again?

  “Where?”

  “JoeJoe’s Diner.” My breath caught in my throat when another rush of memories swept through my mind. A nostalgic flashback to the last time we had sat there together.

  My friend Nessie and I had been to a late night movie and naturally we’d ended up in JoeJoe’s for a late night burger.

  We had only been there about five minutes when Gray and his friend Stephan came strolling in.

  When I looked up, Gray’s eyes instantly met mine and a spike of excitement shot through me. He smirked, with a look of intent on his face, and headed straight for our table. Tapping Nessie on the shoulder he lifted her arm gently and blindly moved her out of the booth. I squeezed my thighs tightly to contain the ache that had grown between them with every step he had taken toward me. My heart had picked up its pace.