Notes On Love

by K. L. Shandwick

“Are y’all ready to order?” Breaking eye contact, Hettie looked up at the middle-aged, waitress.

  “Can I have the French toast and an orange juice please?”

  “I’ll have the breakfast burrito,” I replied. We smiled simultaneously at each other.

  “At least one thing hasn’t changed,” she said, cracking the first unaffected smile since she’d entered the diner.

  “Ah, there it is. That perfect, sexy smile that melts my heart.” I looked to her and saw her blush.

  “Don’t.”

  “Don’t what?”

  “Flirt with me. Flatter me.”

  “I wasn’t aware I was flirting, I was just stating a fact. You have the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. It does things to me in here.” I touched my chest and she swallowed, dropping her gaze to her hands.

  My heart ached when I saw how hurt she still was. Knowing it and seeing her reaction was horrible. I cared that I’d done that. Seven years made no difference, the moment I saw her I knew it. It was like time had stood still. Apart from our appearances, it seemed like our feelings were still as raw despite all the time that had passed.

  “Tell me about you. Wait…how long do we have?”

  “A while. My partner is at a corporate event.”

  “Does he know you’re here with me?”

  “He knows I’m meeting an old college friend from England.”

  I nodded at her response.

  “You happy?” My heart thumped in my chest, anticipating the answer I wanted. The answer I needed. When I saw the tiniest twist of her mouth, then the slight hesitation as I watched her reaction, I figured she wasn’t. All was not lost. What did I mean by that? I had nothing new to offer. My heart steadied and I inhaled slowly, waiting for her to reply.

  “I am.”

  Liar. I had studied her body language when I knew her. She was covering up her true feelings.

  “Tell me about him.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’ll be walking away at the end of the day and I want to know this guy treats you like the fucking princess you are.”

  Another silence fell between us. Her face tried to hide her hurt as she studied my face. She’d never been that good at concealing how she felt, even if I had let her think she was when we hung out.

  “His name is Harris. He’s a middle manager in an advertising and sales division of a major international company.”

  “Don’t give me his résumé. I’m not interested in what he does for a living. I want to know about him as a man. Does he treat you well? Is he generous in bed? Does he fuck you hard like you want it? Does he make you come? How many times? Do you scream his name like you used to scream mine? Does he take care of you outside of the bedroom as well as inside?”

  “Stop this. What good does this do? Why are you doing this?”

  “Why? Because I need to know. I want to be sure he’s right for you.”

  “And if you don’t think he is, then what? Wait…do you think you can just turn up and I’ll drop my panties for you?”

  “No, I don’t think that. I don’t expect that at all. I know I fucked up, but I had a good reason. We were young and we were on the opposite sides of the Atlantic for fuck’s sake. It isn’t something I really wanted to happen it was just…bad timing.”

  “It was,” she said quietly, nodding. “We should never have started.”

  “You don’t mean that, do you? What we had was amazing…incredible. Fucking phenomenal.”

  Hettie gave me a look that pierced my soul. “I love him.” My heart stung.

  “What do you feel about me?”

  “I kind of hate you.”

  I smirked. “Good, that’s a strong feeling. I can work with that.”

  “Why are you doing this? My life is…settled,” she asked, her eyes searching for the answer on my face.

  “Settled? What the fuck does that even mean?”

  “Married with kids is settled…mortgages, family pets, waving your children off to summer camp, that kind of settled.”

  “We’ve talked about having kids.”

  “You don’t strike me as the kind of girl that wants kids before she’s married. You told me that once. Where’s your ring?” I nodded down at her bare hand that was nervously turning the coffee cup in the saucer at that moment.

  “We were waiting for a promotion before committing.”

  “Baby, when you want to be with someone you’d live in a shoebox with noodles for dinner every day. Promotions don’t come into it.”

  Tears sprang to her eyes and I cussed under my breath, frustrated because I was handling things wrong. I edged my way out of my seat, and slid in beside her.

  Suddenly there was nothing between us and nothing to stop me. I scooped her into my arms. She felt soft—warm, and I wanted to hold her tighter. “It’s okay, baby. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed you like that,” I murmured as I pulled her into my neck and smoothed her hair down. Seconds later, she pushed back enough to look at me. I fought my initial reaction because I wanted to kiss all the hurt away. I knew if I did, I’d lose her forever then I remembered I never had her anyway. The Hettie I knew wasn’t the kind of girl that cheats. And I wasn’t that guy.

  Taking my left thumb, I brushed her tears away and kissed her forehead. She smelled of pears and violets. It was the familiar scent I associated with her. Fighting the urge to kiss her tears away, I let her straighten in the seat and I moved back to the safety of the other side of the table.

  “Talk to me.”

  “Not here,” she whispered, her eyes glancing furtively around as the waitress arrived with our food.

  The mood shifted from the interruption and we started to talk about the band. About what I’d been doing, where we’d toured and how we got our start through another band’s misfortune. It went pretty smoothly, but when we’d finished our food I was worried she was about to bolt.

  Thinking on my feet, I texted Phoebe to book another room for me at the hotel. My intention wasn’t to get her back there for a quick screw; I just wanted somewhere I could talk to Hettie privately without her feeling like she had to contain her emotions. In my head, I told myself I wouldn’t touch her. My body ached to be close to her, but my head was in control. There was no other way around it. I was not going to take advantage of someone who was vulnerable and in a relationship. In my opinion, that was true for Hettie, on both counts.

  Chapter 7

  Talk to me ~ Hettie

  Breakfast with Gray was probably one of the most uncomfortable experiences I’d ever encountered. We used to be so easy together. Nothing used to be out of bounds in our daily dialogue apart from how I had developed feelings for him.

  Taking a deep breath to stem my nerves, I walked into the diner fighting my anxiety to face more than half a decade of unfinished business. Despite everything I’d told myself in the past, it was clear my feelings for Gray were still deep rooted; that was apparent at how weak I was to resist him once he began to speak to me. It had taken courage for me to agree to meet him because I risked a deluge of misery like I’d barely managed after he left me before.

  As I entered the restaurant, I swear the air thickened. I inhaled deeply again, exhaling slowly, and then stood still just inside the door. Conscious his eyes may be on me, I stood perfectly still, my stance as elegant as my jelly legs would allow. The man who still occupied a small space in my heart was back and he was breathing the same air as me again. The man I had fallen in love with, who never knew I had, was here and I hoped he had more courage than he’d had when he’d left me without a proper goodbye.

  When I glanced around my eyes met his. My breath caught in my throat at the sight of him. It felt as if a vacuum had sucked all the air out of the room. I remained motionless, light-headed, as if I were in a dream. When I saw the same gorgeous, sexy, guy from my past wander toward me with a smile as wide as the room, I almost panicked and ran. Even the beaded necklace
he wore was the same from before. Right then I figured it would take very little to sway my feelings in favor of him, no matter what he’d done in the past.

  Gray looked beautiful, older. The years had matured his attractive boyish appearance, his broad shoulders and hard pecs defined to stretch the navy blue T-shirt he wore tightly. His strong, inked arms and narrow hips had me distracted until I dragged my reluctant eyes back to his face. When I focused on his features, a small thrill of pleasure shot through me. I’d forgotten that persuasive and alluring glint he had in those deep brown eyes. It was those naughty, sexy, expressive eyes that had drawn me in as soon as we met. I fought hard not to allow my body to give over to my feelings and reach out to him.

  Watching him sift his fingers through his thick, dark blond sun-kissed hair had me hypnotized. Gray’s hair was longer than when I knew him all those years ago, but it suited him better. When I realized he was staring intently, my gaze dropped to his mouth. He smiled and I felt a small smile curve my lips in return. He was sucking me in and I felt powerless to resist until I thought about the mess I had been.

  He stepped nearer as a hand swept around my waist, pulling me closer to him. His unexpected contact sent a shiver of delight down my spine when his warmth radiated through my dress. Closing the space between us even more, my heart pounded in anticipation of his mouth touching my skin. When he kissed my cheek, the intimate contact sent a rash of goosebumps bursting out of every pore.

  Still self-conscious, I couldn’t move, and as if Gray could read my body language he slipped his warm, strong hand into mine and led me toward our booth at the diner. Our booth. He remembered. I didn’t object when he took my blue jacket from me, his fingertips skimmed my shoulder briefly as he did and another small thrill shot through me and pulled at my core.

  During our first proper conversation in years, his language was blunt and honest, just as I’d expected, and when I spoke back I struggled to keep the hurt from my voice. I was acutely aware of the weight of his stare and I tried hard to hide my feelings, especially the negative ones I had been having about Harris. As our breakfast progressed, the dialog between us became more intense as Gray pressed me with crude personal questions about my relationship with my boyfriend.

  They were pertinent questions about my feelings toward Harris and the relationship we had and our discussion suddenly overwhelmed me. I couldn’t really defend Harris, and to my dismay, tears welled in my eyes until I couldn’t hold them back any longer. Gray scowled at my distress before his eyes softened.

  My heart swelled at his concern when he reacted instantly. Leaving his seat he slid into the booth beside me, our past was forgotten when pulled me into a tight hug. A genuine hug. The way he handled me felt so familiar that the years and the hurt fell away. I sagged against him enjoying the firm embrace I had craved for months after he’d gone.

  I took advantage of the opportunity and inhaled his clean, manly scent. It filled my head with memories of the same body soaked in sweat. The intimate, passionate, days and nights we had shared in the sultry heat were at the forefront of my mind. An urge to touch the skin on his neck with my lips made me pull back to look at him. For a second I thought he was going to kiss me. A kiss I questioned if I would have the will to reject.

  Instead, he chose to kiss my forehead, and I was thankful that the moment had passed between us, but somehow it meant more to me. I had another weak moment when he looked deep into my teary eyes as he brushed those that had fallen to my cheeks. I pulled away when I felt I was losing control. Gray offered no resistance and I was glad he’d made it easy for me by sliding back out of the booth and back to his own side of the table.

  When he said, “Talk to me,” I had wanted to share my feelings, but the diner wasn’t the place. There was no way I wanted to air my private life in a conversation somewhere that impersonal. It felt wrong and I wondered what I could say anyway. How was I supposed to talk about a man I loved with the man who was my first love? The man I probably loved more.

  “Not here,” I’d answered by way of an excuse. My voice sounded sad and defeated, even to me.

  Fortunately, the waitress arrived with our food, and while I was eating Gray pulled out his phone to text someone. I wondered if he was answering some female that had messaged him until he looked up at me and spoke.

  “Listen. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, but I just messaged a friend to book another room at the hotel where I’m staying. Don’t worry, baby, I promise it’s not to take advantage of this situation. I just want to spend time hanging out with you. If you don’t have anything pressing to do, what do you say about coming back with me? We can take this somewhere quieter and just catch up on life.”

  From my perspective, it was a dangerous proposition. My relationship with Harris was vulnerable, mainly due to his selfish approach to his career and committing to me. On the other hand, my thoughts regarding Gray were tumbling around like a spinning wheel, slowly making me forget the bad part of his idea.

  I wondered if I could trust myself not to be with him intimately when I allowed my thoughts to remember how amazing he used to make me feel. Every frown he made, every smile he gave me affected me in ways Harris’ never quite had. I put it down to infatuation about a love that was never requited.

  “Listen, I understand that you are probably questioning my motives here, but I don’t have much time, so I guess I have to be bold and ask you to spend time with me. I wish things were different but they’re not, and I’m not sure if I’ll get the chance to do this again with the schedule that’s being set out for the band.”

  Gray had always been a straightforward guy. He was a alpha male in regular circumstances so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. At the back of my mind I thought about Harris and how he’d feel if he knew I was in some random hotel room with my first love and I knew if I went I’d have to tell him about it.

  “All right. I’ll come with you, but I’m not sleeping with you.”

  “Good, I’m not sleeping with you either, so don’t get your hopes up and jump me.” Gray smiled affectionately and winked flirtatiously at me. I found myself smiling back.

  “You need to do that more often.”

  “What?”

  “Smile. It turns you from a pretty woman into a very beautiful one. It’s the best smile in the world. I’ve always thought that.”

  We tucked into the rest of our food and Gray paid the bill, leaving the waitress a generous fifty dollar tip. My mind recalled other ways Gray showed his generosity and my face flushed. As we left the diner, we walked closely beside each other but didn’t touch. I folded my arms around myself nervously and waited for Gray to break the ice that had formed between us since transferring from the diner to the street.

  When he’d stepped to the side of a stocky street performer and his arm brushed with mine, tiny electrical currents cascaded like dominos while a delightful buzz ran through me.

  “It’s just around the corner,” he mumbled, reaching out to put his protective arm around my shoulder. He guided me through the crowd as we neared the beachfront hotel. Inside, my heartbeat hammered, random adrenaline rushes causing bursts of excitement to the point where it was almost impossible to think about anything except where Gray’s arm was. Even through the thin layer of my jacket I could feel the heat emanating from his hand, the pressure from his fingertips was just enough to feel safe with him. And I hated myself because it felt so good.

  I pulled away from him as soon as there was space and noted Gray didn’t resist the separation. Although I missed the closeness, I knew he’d reacted appropriately and that made me feel both comfortable and disappointed. If he noticed my silence it wasn’t apparent as he continued to talk about his band, why they were in Miami, and how excited he felt about being in the US once again. When he told me that if his band became popular he’d be in Miami regularly, my heart flipped over at the thought of him being around.

  Reaching the bank of elevators in the
hotel took my nerves up a notch. I felt I was stepping into no-man’s-land. An unchartered space in my life’s journey where things could get messy and complex. I’d only spent just over an hour with Gray by that point and already I had been persuaded into going to a hotel alone with him.

  Every warning bell rang loudly, but suddenly I was deaf. Everything in me screamed to be held with affection by him. His simple touches from before had made me crave the generous attention he’d given me once, the attention that Harris had neglected to provide all too often. Gray was grateful for my time; whereas Harris made me feel like I should be grateful I had him for most of the time.

  Watching the elevator doors close, the small space was suddenly claustrophobic and silent except for the noise of the engine propelling us up to the floor of Gray’s hotel suite. I took out my cell and checked it for something to do and saw a sobering message from Harris.

  Harris: Don’t wait up, it’s going to be a long day. Been invited for drinks later. New boss is awesome, great bunch of people. Diane in sales is a fun girl, you’d love her. Catch you in the morning. H.

  I stared down at the text and swallowed audibly. My temper rose from my belly to my chest like a fast-pitched bowling ball about to make a strike. I fought to control my self-awareness around Gray as I absorbed how shabbily Harris had treated me. There was no invite to meet him, no mention of dinner or his blowing me out, his only reference to me was that I’d find another female he was spending time with fun. There wasn’t even an x at the end of the message. And his comment: catch you in the morning. What the fuck was I, a fish? I swiped my screen and tucked my cell in my jacket pocket, making a sideways glance toward Gray.

  “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, fine,” I lied, but at least my voice hid my feelings.

  “You don’t look fine. Is it me? Are you okay with this because if you’re not I completely get it—”

  “It’s not you, it’s just—”

  “If it’s not me then what is it?”

  “It’s fine, I’m just feeling a little…confused.”