After visiting the cloakroom, Harris grabbed my hand and guided me toward the sectioned off hospitality area reserved for their party. His new boss, Richard, and his wife, Sue, greeted me like an old friend even though I’d never met her before, and only met him once. Richard was quick to offer me something to drink. I had expected to feel a bit awkward joining the party so late in the day, but as the DJ was on fire with a playlist of my favorite tunes, a few drinks later, I had begun to feel relaxed in their company.
It wasn’t long before I hit the dance floor, and after dancing with Harris for a couple of songs his work colleagues were cutting in to dance with me as well. A few tunes later I was aware that even though I had changed partners several times, the only other person Harris had danced with was Diane. Knowing that left a sour taste in my mouth.
Five partners later, she was still jiggling her tits in his face and working her way around him; her arms above her head in what I figured was her best provocative moves designed to keep his attention. I had to admit she was doing a great job of it, judging by how pissed I felt when I looked at Harris, who had clearly forgotten I was even there by the wicked grin on his face.
When I could no longer ignore her behavior, my initial course of action should have been to go over, claim Harris, and push her aside, but watching how he was feeding off what she was doing, I decided to walk away leaving them to their own devices. Feeling embarrassed, I retreated to the restroom to think.
When I pushed open the door to enter, my eyes were drawn to a gorgeous woman with long, platinum blonde hair standing by the full-length mirror. She was looking over her shoulder, checking out her ass in her tiny figure hugging skirt. I wondered if she was a famous lingerie model. She was everything I wasn’t. Without realizing, I let out a long sigh of frustration at how unremarkable I felt in comparison to other women. My sigh must have been loud because her eyes met mine in the mirror and she turned, looking directly at me.
“Are you okay?” Her British accent threw me for a second, then I figured she was a stranger anyway so I may as well vent.
“Not really. Ever felt invisible to the guy you’re supposed to be on a date with?”
“Always,” she replied, in a sympathetic tone while rolling her huge brown eyes. Liar.
“That’s kinda hard to believe coming from someone who looks like you do,” I replied.
“Trust me. I’m telling you. Most of the time I feel like window dressing to the guy I’m here with.”
“Then he needs his head examined.”
“That’s kind of you to say, but it’s the way it is…the way it’s always been between us. I take what I can get,” she admitted, shrugging her shoulders with a sad sideward glance. I felt how uncomfortable it made her to talk about it with me.
“Why would you be with someone like that?”
“You’d never understand,” she answered sadly.
“Try me.”
“Have you ever had strong enough feelings for someone to love them unconditionally?”
“I thought I did, but after today, I’m not so sure. I’m tired of being ignored.”
“Oh, this guy doesn’t ignore me. He’s very attentive, actually, he just doesn’t know how I really feel.”
“No one can hide their feelings for long if they are in an intimate relationship. Trust me. I thought I’d done a good job of that once, but I found out today I’d been fooling myself on that score. You really think he has no idea how you feel about him?”
“Nope, I’m sure he doesn’t. I know what we have isn’t a forever thing. I knew it the moment I signed up for the gig.”
“That’s really sad. He must need his head examined. Look at you.”
“Better to have known what it’s like to be with him than not.”
“There’s definitely no chance?”
“Nah. Don’t get me wrong, he’s been completely honest about it. His heart’s desires lie elsewhere. So now you’ve had my life story, what’s with you? I take it your guy isn’t making you happy?”
“I used to think he did. I thought that we were forever, but after the past few weeks, I’m not so sure anymore.”
“What changed? That is if you don’t mind me asking?”
“I thought we wanted the same things and the only barriers to those plans were his concerns about money, but. I’m starting to think a lack of money has been his excuse to stall us moving forward. Then today, I had a wake-up call from a guy I once knew when he breezed back into my life. I had breakfast with him. I hadn’t seen him since college, and spending time with him has unsettled me.”
I ran my fingers under the faucet and pulled some paper towel from the machine on the wall.
“Worst of all, he wanted to take me to dinner tonight but I had a date with my partner who blew me off. I wouldn’t even have been here had I not decided I’d take the guy up on that dinner after all. Stupidly, I disclosed my intentions to my partner and all of a sudden I was invited to join him here. Right now my guy is currently on the dance floor with a female work colleague who looks like all she’s missing is a damn pole. Her gestures are so provocative toward him, it’s like I’m not here—”
Suddenly the blonde woman looked startled. “Oh, damn. Sorry, I didn’t realize how long we’ve been in here, I gotta run,” she said, sounding alarmed. She grabbed her small clutch from the side of the vanity. “I hope you work it out. Stay strong, I’m rooting for you,” she said with a tight smile. A second later she was gone and I was left staring at the restroom door as it closed softly behind her. After she’d gone I stood motionless—shocked at how much I had confided in a total stranger.
Perhaps it was her English accent that had made me feel safe, thinking I’d never see her again. I’d heard it said, talking to strangers was easier, and maybe that’s why I had poured my feelings out. I was miffed by the way Harris and Diane behaved on the dance floor in front of me. The way they were with each other didn’t feel comfortable and it made me wonder if I was one of those women that attended her partner’s events and was the only person in the room to have no idea they were being cheated on.
Leaving the restroom, I glanced over at the dance floor expecting to see Harris and Diane. They were no longer there, but my step faltered and my stomach lurched. Gray and the girl I’d poured my heart out to in the restroom were dancing cheek to cheek in an intimate embrace less than twelve feet in front of me. Jealousy shot through me at lightning speed; the jolt causing an electrical pulse to rise up from my chest in an unpleasant current to my mouth.
Less than a minute later Gray leaned away to look down at her, as she stared adoringly into his eyes she spoke. He smirked at whatever she said and brushed her hair away from her face in an intimate gesture, then he leaned in closer to listen.
Turning his face toward her head, I saw him say something in her ear and a smile immediately brightened her face before she nodded and stepped back. Her arms fell free of him, but immediately he reached out and caught her hand in his again. Pivoting around he walked slowly away in the opposite direction from where I was standing, with her in tow. My eyes never left him until the crowd on the dance floor eventually swallowed them up, and my heart sank.
Chapter 10
Uncomfortable Disclosures ~ Gray
I had a hunch something must have happened in the restroom because the Phoebe who came back wasn’t the same girl as the one who left me five minutes before. Her behavior was less confident and I found myself hugging her on the dance floor because of the pain I saw in her eyes. Maybe she had a phone call or something? When the song we were dancing to finished, I asked her if she wanted a drink. She nodded and I led her back to the bar, but not before I noticed a needy look in her eyes. She’d never looked at me that way before.
I grabbed a couple of seats and sat her down beside me. “Want to tell me what’s going on with you?”
Phoebe dunked her straw in her drink, which she always did when she was thinking, and shrugge
d. When she looked back at me it was as if she’d heard someone had died. “Pheebs, what is it? You’re scaring me, sweetheart.”
“Is Hettie short with long, dark curly hair?”
“Why? What are you asking this for?”
“If she is, I think I just met her in the restroom.”
“What? How? I mean, why do you think it’s her?”
“Just a feeling. I think she’s here.” Phoebe looked away and bit her lip.
“Do you know how many people are in Miami? That’s impossible. Why would you think that?”
Phoebe sighed deeply and gave me a penetrating look. “I was in the restroom and this girl came in. She looked pissed off and huffed in frustration. I made some comment about it and we got talking. She vented to me about how her guy wasn’t paying attention to her and then mentioned that she met a guy from her past this morning. Call it a sixth sense but I think she was your old flame.”
“Nonsense, that’s coincidence. Hettie was having dinner with her guy tonight.”
“Yeah, then this girl told me the same thing, then said he blew her off so she decided to have dinner with the guy from breakfast.”
She can’t be talking about Hettie. I slid my cell from my pocket and checked my messages. My heart almost stopped because sure enough, Hettie had sent me a text accepting my dinner invitation.
“Damn, she’s here at the club?” I asked as I pressed the green phone icon to call her back. Listening for the connection with one finger in my ear, I was suddenly aware of Phoebe’s hurt look as she sat next to me, and immediately closed the call out. Instantly Phoebe’s glances clicked into place, her feelings weren’t as cool as I’d thought.
“Sorry, hon, that was a dick move. I shouldn’t have done that, it was bad form.”
Phoebe shrugged in resignation, her sad expression confirming my thoughts.
“Come on, let’s get out of here,” I prompted, wanting to be anywhere else than in the middle of a shit storm of my own making. With a realization that Phoebe’s connection to me was different. I knew I hadn’t been fair to her, but I had no idea she saw us as anything but friends. I really liked her, but I’d never entertained the thought of Phoebe as anything more than what we were. We were good friends, and the last thing I had wanted to do was to hurt her. Everything about her up to that point had led me to think she felt the same as me about us.
I half expected her to protest; for her to tell me to go find Hettie, but she looked relieved at my decision to leave. She grabbed her jacket from the cloakroom and I draped it over her shoulders. I followed her down the stairs leading outside of the club. Once there, I noticed how she hugged herself, suddenly self-conscious of me. She looked vulnerable and I knew for sure things were never ever going to be the same between us.
I’d noticed a taxi rank at the end of the street when we’d arrived so I kind of steered us in that direction. We walked in an awkward silence and my heart felt heavy. I’d obviously hurt her and I felt like shit for causing the sad look on her face. Seeing her plotting her path with her gaze lowered to the ground was soul destroying. I’d never seen Phoebe as miserable as I had at that moment. I toyed with apologizing to her, but knew that she’d readily accept it even though I’d hurt her, and I didn’t deserve her forgiveness.
Instead, I let the uneasy silence grow between us until we’d taken the cab home and arrived back at the hotel suite. As soon as I pushed the key card in the lock and opened the door, Phoebe went straight into the bathroom.
My heart filled with sadness watching her go. I inhaled deeply, rocking on my heels, and stuffed my hands deep into my jeans pockets where I stood just inside the door. Throwing my head back, I looked at the ceiling and shook it in frustration as I wondered how the fuck I hadn’t noticed her feelings change. I’d been letting her get closer, and I hadn’t applied the brakes at any time. It was no wonder she felt the way she did.
I had completely neglected to ensure Phoebe’s feelings were intact. The very thing I was accusing Hettie’s man of— except Phoebe wasn’t my girl.
Taking my hands out of my pockets, I took my cell and wallet out of my jeans, leaving them on the nightstand. Slipping off my shoes and shirt, I wearily flopped down on the bed with my hands resting behind my head. I felt thoroughly pissed at myself for the way I’d ignored the signs that were as clear as crystal in hindsight.
Phoebe came out of the bathroom, having taken off all her make-up and she’d braided her hair. She looked younger, more vulnerable than I’d ever seen her. “Come here, sweetheart,” I coaxed, gesturing her toward me. Instantly her eyes brimmed with tears but she stayed where she was. I’d never seen her look so uneasy and my heart ached. “I’m sorry, Gray.”
I slung my feet quickly to the floor and sat up straight at the side of the bed. “What the hell are you sorry for? I’m the one who should be apologizing.” I felt disgusted with myself.
Her watery gaze tugged at my heart. “No, it’s me. I was wrong. I thought I could handle what we had…I was handling it, until you asked me to book another room for you. As soon as I did that all my feelings kind of surfaced and rushed into my chest at once. I felt overwhelmed with all these emotions. I thought I’d been managing well until then.”
“What a fucking idiot I am. Forgive me, Pheebs, my behavior has been downright insensitive and disgraceful. I can’t imagine how I made you feel by doing that. I had no idea there was anything but a physical thing going on for you.”
Once again, she gave me a penetrating stare until eventually she shrugged. “It happened. I’ll get over it, but I think I’d like to go home tomorrow, if it’s all right by you?”
There was no way I wanted her to go, not like that, but I had no right to make demands of her. She still mattered to me…I still cared. “Stay. Don’t let your feelings stop you from having a break.”
“Gray, I can’t stay with you like this anymore. Not now you know how I feel. I don’t have the strength, and I won’t sleep with you again, not after you told me how you feel about Hettie.”
Accepting she was right, I chewed on my lip. I’m going to miss her. Pheebs had been there since Lizzie died. I’d opened my heart to her at the time, discussed all my worries with her, and even how I felt about Hettie. I cringed inwardly at how hard that must have felt to hear me say that. I’d taken the best of her. Using her to vent and physically meet my own needs. It was so fucked up that I’d even thought that was okay on any level.
Phoebe knew more about me than I wanted anyone to know, but she had been so easy to talk to. She understood me like no one else, and selfishly, even with everything I knew, I was going to miss her next to me. How fucked up is that?
“I understand. I’ll book you a flight for tomorrow. You want to use the separate room for the rest of the night?” Phoebe glanced to the bed, then to me. I could see the uncertainty in her eyes as she tugged with her feelings.
“No, it’s almost 3:00 am now. I’ll just crash here and leave tomorrow. What time is your car booked for the morning?”
“7:45 am. I’ll book your flight before I leave and you can pick the tickets up at the airport. I’ll get someone to meet you at JFK and take you home, sweetheart.”
“No Gray, I’m going back to London.”
Staring sadly at me for a moment, she stood there hugging herself again, unsure of what to do. My instinct was to take her in my arms and hug her, but I knew after our talk I had surrendered all rights to touch her. I waited in an awkward silence while she gathered her thoughts. Eventually, she nodded, walked around to her side of the bed, and slid under the comforter. I stood up, my heart felt sad and heavy, and walked into the bathroom closing the door behind me.
Placing both hands on the countertop, I stared into the mirror while her alluring, heady scent still surrounded me. I stared at the pitiful face of the selfish man who looked back at me. I hated myself at that moment. “Fuck,” I growled forcefully as I backhanded the glass tumbler that held our toothbrus
hes side by side. It fell into the porcelain bowl, shattering into tiny pieces, much like the windshield of a car.
Ignoring the mess, I stripped off my clothes, turned on the shower, and stepped under the hot, steamy spray. Standing directly beneath it I allowed the needle-sharp jets of water to beat down on me. I wasn’t sober, but I was far from drunk. I stood there like a statue while the water did nothing to cleanse my mind as I reflected about all the feelings I couldn’t decipher from the previous twenty-four hours.
Talk about chasing rainbows with Hettie. Perhaps if I’d stayed, she’d have been out of my system years ago. Would I ever have stayed with her?
Was what I felt love? Were my feelings as strong then as they appeared to be now? If I’d stayed and let the whole thing play out between us, would my feelings be the same? I’d never know the answer to those questions. The only thing I knew for sure was, I’d hurt Phoebe, the sweetest, closest person to me, because of a dream-like fantasy I had harbored since leaving college. By the time I shut off the shower water I was knee deep in self-pity.
Stupid, impulsive, decisions had sent three people’s minds into a tailspin. Had I made Hettie discontented? Had I made myself unhappy? The only thing I knew for sure was I’d lost the valuable relationship I had with Phoebe.
When I walked back into the room I glanced over to the bed. Phoebe was lying on her side with her back to me. I’d never seen her like that before. Usually, if she was in bed before me, she wore nothing much but a sexy smile and was always ready for some fun. Her sexual appetite was almost as insatiable as my own.
Initially, I hesitated about getting into bed at all, but I figured if she’d decided she still wanted to be there then it was safe for me to lie beside her. Pulling back the comforter, I slid under the sheet and lay on my back wondering whether I’d ever see her again since she was leaving. She’d stopped hanging with the other girls since she’d been hanging out with me. I’d separated her from them, set her apart in their eyes, and I hoped they didn’t give her a hard time if she went back to that scene. From the look on her face I got a feeling she was done with our band.
Notes On Love Page 10