My head felt heavy on the pillow, and instead of the belly full of excitement about seeing Hettie I’d had that morning, I was in my bed feeling like I’d fucked up everything for everyone concerned. Part of me wanted to know what would have happened if I’d gone to dinner with Hettie, while another part was kicking my own ass when I thought about how I’d hurt the girl lying next to me.
Turning on my side to look at her, I could just make out her outline lying next to me. We weren’t touching; it was a big bed. My gut feeling was she wasn’t asleep. I’d already apologized and I had nothing else to say so I lay quietly, my heart aching selfishly because our easy-going relationship was gone.
“Are you mad at me?” Phoebe’s voice broke the silence in our dark room.
“What? How could I ever be mad at you, sweetheart? No, of course I’m not, Phoebe. I’m very flattered you feel like you do, you’re a stunningly beautiful girl. Why would you think that?”
“The glass, the angry cuss?” she offered in explanation.
“No, sweetheart, that was me mad at myself.”
“Oh, right,” she said, quietly before she sighed and adjusted herself a little.
“How could I ever be mad at you for developing feelings with all the time we’ve spent together?”
“You haven’t.”
“Phoebe, I’m a fuck up where girls are concerned. I’ve been lying here with a thousand thoughts running through my head. It’s only eleven weeks since Lizzie died. I don’t know what the fuck I feel about anything much. Arriving here in Miami has unearthed some stuff I thought I was long past. After the last few months of my feelings being numb, I’ve somehow latched onto the past and happier times. Since Lizzie passed over, I’ve been too dependent on you. You’ve helped me, cared for me, and I feel now that I didn’t deserve your friendship. I really like you, Pheebs. Always have and now I feel like I’ve taken advantage of you.”
She adjusted herself as if she was trying not to turn around. I hoped she wouldn’t because it was easier to say what I had to without her looking at me. When she said nothing, I continued.
“Coming down here to Miami, now of all times, has shaken some feelings loose that I hadn’t tied up properly from when I lived here, and I’m wondering if reconnecting with Hettie was a bad idea.” I held my breath for a second then continued, “Maybe I am on the rebound. Hell, maybe I’m so fucked up inside I have no idea what I’m doing. I could have lied and carried on with you like this, but that would have been unfair; dishonest even. You mean more to me than that, Phoebe. All I know for sure is I have unfinished business here. Business with Hettie, and I need to see that through.
“Hettie has a partner, Gray. Doesn’t that matter to you?”
“And I’d walk away if she was happy. I’m not going to interfere but I don’t think for a minute she’d ever have agreed to meet me if that was the case.”
Another stony silence fell between us, eventually I heard Phoebe’s breathing grow deeper. The last thing I remember was listening to the even spacing between her breaths until I fell asleep.
****
Silky smooth skin slid over mine as a warm leg made its way across my abs. The stroking of satin-like warmth felt good. Sleepily, I turned into her body, my arm sliding under her neck and my other hand splaying her lower back, pulling her closer. Hot breath wafted over my cheek fueling my desire to close the space between our mouths in a lazy kiss. My tongue penetrated her mouth and instead of meeting a dueling tongue like I’d expected, her body froze.
Tensing, I cracked an eye open in time to see Phoebe give me a startled look, and pull herself completely free of me.
“God. I’m sorry,” we both said at the same time.
“No…I was asleep, I didn’t mean to—”
“No, it’s my fault,” I said, cutting her off. “I shouldn’t have reacted like that. I didn’t…I mean…I’d forgotten…FUCK.” I ran my fingers through my hair, rolled over in frustration, and lifted my cell from the nightstand. It was still dark, 5:40 am.
“What will you do when you go home?” I asked, genuinely concerned about what came next for her.
“Not sure, maybe work at my sister’s company for a while. Go traveling, or take a break and work at my dad’s chalet in France. It’s high season there, so they can always use the help.”
Phoebe’s family had money. A lot of money. Her upbringing had been prep schools and the best boarding schools money could buy. The kind of school where your family’s history comes into play just to gain a spot there. Her wealth hadn’t affected her. She wasn’t stuck up in the least, and was surprisingly rounded for someone with her background. Most of all she was very independent. It was that independence that drew me to her, like she never needed to rely on anyone—until her recent disclosure.
“I don’t want to lose you as a friend, Pheebs. You mean a lot to me.” Even as I said it, I felt as if I was handing her a consolation prize. I had been lucky for the time I had with her, and it wasn’t fair of me to make any demands.
“Yeah.”
Slowly, I closed my eyes because that one word was laced with regret. “I understand if you’d rather—”
“No,” she said, quickly. “I love spending time with you. I think maybe I just need a little space to get some perspective again.”
This time I pulled her to me and knew full well what I was doing. “You’re a fabulous girl, Pheebs. Trust me, I couldn’t have asked for anyone better to spend these past few months with. This stuff with Hettie isn’t new. It’s been on my mind for the past seven years. If I don’t deal with it, like you said, it’ll shape my future.”
Reaching up to my hair, Phoebe grabbed a fistful and gave it a tug. “I’m glad you’ve been honest with me, Gray, it shows me you do care a little for me. Right now, you seem callous, but I’d rather have your brutal honesty than false hope.”
Her words stung. And I deserved them. If I was being honest with her, I should have expected the same in return. “I care a lot, Pheebs, and we have amazing chemistry, I just don’t have the emotional attachment going on.”
“It hurts to hear it, but it isn’t like I didn’t expect that to be the case.”
Placing her head on my chest, I sifted my fingers through her silky long hair, caught a strand and inhaled that apple shampoo she loved. After yet another extended silence we both dozed off again.
Chapter 11
Indifferent ~ Hettie
Despite messaging Gray, he never replied when I agreed to dinner. I was glad he hadn’t responded because when I saw who he was with at the club, I knew I’d had a lucky escape. A lucky escape from what, I wasn’t sure of, but it was clear that the girl he was with meant something to him from the closeness they shared.
When I watched my boyfriend’s new colleague, Diane, leeching onto him all evening it had sickened me. The old me would have slapped him and then her for their behavior, but I felt totally bewildered by what had happened during the day, first with Gray then how Harris had treated me. If it hadn’t have been for the fact I was totally dissatisfied with Harris by that point, I may well have given a damn. Instead of tearing him a new one I felt more indifferent to his behavior with every minute that passed. Eventually, it had been one of his other colleagues’ wives that had called Diane out on the special attention she gave to Harris. Personally, I felt it was Harris’ fault. He did nothing that I could see, to stop her.
Even the following morning when the scene they’d made played over in my mind, my temper had gone from irritated to infuriated, then settled at being angry enough to jolt Harris with an ultimatum. Normally, I hated people who gave them, but after months of being a nonperson in Harris’ eyes it had been past due. I’d had enough and I had decided our future was now or never.
Once I had dried my hair and dressed, I made my way to the kitchen and found Harris sitting at the table typing ferociously on his laptop. Glancing at him as I poured myself a cup of coffee, I noticed that he hadn’
t broken his concentration long enough to even acknowledge me.
Placing my steaming mug on the table, I leaned over and snapped the laptop machine screen down, jamming his fingers.
“Jesus, Hettie. What the hell did you do that for?”
“Because I want to speak to you and it appears as if that was the only way I was going to get your full attention.”
He looked from me to his wristwatch and huffed impatiently. “I have five minutes.”
“Good, because this won’t take long.”
“I’m going to speak to my sister, Lorna today. I’m moving out.” Standing up, he opened his mouth to protest, but I held up my hand to indicate I was talking and he should listen.
“For the past six months, you’ve continually pushed me to the side and expected me to support everything you’ve wanted. Well, hello, Harris! The world revolves around the sun, not around you. I’m taking a break from us because quite frankly, I feel like you’re sucking the life out of me.”
Shaking his head, Harris surprised me when he lifted his laptop instead of trying to placate me as I had expected him to. “I know this is important to you, honey. And I want to give it my full attention without any distractions, but I have an 11:00 am team meeting brunch and I really, really can’t be late for it. We’ll do this tonight, yeah? Promise,” he replied, brushing me off as he packed his laptop in his bag.
“It’s Sunday, Harris. Don’t expect me to be here when you come home. I hope your meeting goes well.”
“Jesus, why are you creating all this drama, Hettie? Because I spent yesterday with the team? I’ve been busy. You’re not being very supportive. This is a big chance for me—”
“Take it,” I interrupted. “I hope the fuck it works well for you. Just don’t expect me to sit at home being ignored while you do it.”
Without waiting for his comeback, I headed back to the bedroom and picked up my cell. Harris didn’t come after me, leaving the apartment less than a minute later. I wouldn’t have stayed with him after that, not even if he begged me.
Ten minutes later when Lorna realized she couldn’t talk me down from the edge, she agreed I could move into her spare room. Two hours later my friends Poppy and Dottie reluctantly helped me pack the last of my things into their cars. “Are you absolutely positive you want to do this, Hettie? We’ve still got time to put it back,” Dottie offered.
“One hundred percent. I’m tired of the small woman treatment Harris has been giving me.”
“Hettie, Harris is so hot, how can you bear to leave—”
“You have him then. You’d be welcome. Living together with someone does not start and stop with what someone looks like, Poppy. That’s so shallow.”
“I know, but still, I bet he’s—”
“I’ve had better,” I snapped, thinking of Gray as my face grew warm.
Poppy and Dottie stood still and gave me a shocked stare.
“Can we just get on with this?” I asked, focusing quickly on the situation at hand as I huffed, impatiently. Closing the trunk of my car I turned, walked across and did the same to theirs.
“All right, have it your way, but I may be busy when you want to move it all back,” Dottie said in a last-ditch attempt to challenge my decision.
I shook my head and watched them both slip behind the wheels of their cars. “Just going to have one last look around to make sure I haven’t left anything behind.”
Walking back into the condo after removing all traces of me felt weird, but the one thing it taught me was how much effort Harris had put into our lives together. The walls were bare, the floors were bare, and there was practically nothing personal of his lying around. It dawned on me then that he had made no effort at any point during our years together.
Stepping into the corridor, I slammed the door shut with a finality that confirmed that I would probably never return. I should have been devastated after the years we had spent together, but all I had felt at that moment was a determination to have the life I wanted.
****
Lorna was amazing, considering my sudden invasion. She had ordered pizza and wine, and was ready with a sympathetic ear, but I wasn’t in the mood for complaining. I had made my choice to get out and my heart felt lighter for it. Of course, no one walks away from a relationship just like that, but if I was honest, it had reached the point of no return during a gradual process when none of my opinions on matters that affected us both were ever heard.
For months, most of my waking thoughts had been a constant cycle of wondering what Harris’ thoughts were and when our situation as a couple would move forward. Making the decision to move out was the first step to breaking that cycle.
My thoughts turned to Gray. He still hadn’t returned my message from the night before. Did he have second thoughts about dinner? Had he seen my reply too late? Did he decide the woman he was with was better company? Did he decide she was hotter than me? They had looked close, intimately close. Even after all those years it had still hurt when I saw them together on the dance floor.
****
Moving in with Lorna gave me space to think. If only I had the clarity of thought. Harris had demonstrated how seriously he’d taken my threat, and Gray had come back into my life at a low point. It would have been too easy to jump in with both feet knowing how great my time had been with him in the past, but like Harris, Gray had made it clear his career still came before anything else and that left me thinking neither were in my future.
I envied Lorna, her life appeared so simple in comparison to mine. It struck me how easy her relationship with her boyfriend, Kennedy, was when I watched them together. He came over later that evening, and if nothing else, it had helped distract me from the two things that had eaten away at me all day. Had Harris gone home or even noticed I’d gone? He hadn’t called once during the day. The other topic playing on my mind was Gray’s silence since the text I’d sent accepting dinner. I knew he was leaving Miami again so it appeared as if our communication had ended by text once more, and that thought hurt me all over again.
Eventually, my cell rang at 9:40 pm and the smiling picture I’d saved with Harris’ name haunted me as I answered his call.
“Is this where I’m supposed to beg you to come home?” Harris spat down the line. I couldn’t miss the venom in his voice.
“No, Harris, I’m not coming home.”
“What about the mortgage? The bills? How do we deal with those, Hettie?”
“Is that all you saw in me? Someone to split the bills with?”
“You know it isn’t, but I’m trying to be practical here.”
“No, you’re thinking about what this means for you, not what this split means for us as a couple. The right reaction would be for you to be devastated, Harris, and all you can think of is what we were in financial terms.”
“Well, of course I’m thinking of myself. How do I afford to pay for everything?”
“Maybe Diane will move in. I’m sure she’d love to do that.”
“You’re jealous. Is that what this is about? She’s a fun girl, Hettie, but she’s not wife material.”
“Wife material? What the fuck is that? Were you even born in the twentieth century?”
“You know what I mean. She’s the kind of girl that likes a good time…not like you.”
“Jesus, Harris! I wonder what Diane would make of your assessment of her. And are you saying I’m dull?”
“God. Why are you twisting everything I say?”
“I’m not. I’m just asking questions leading on from yours.”
“Why the hell are you doing this, Hettie? Are you premenstrual?”
I almost choked at his question and gave him a hollow laugh, “No, Harris. I think I’ve been premenstrual since I met you, but I guess I just found a coping strategy. Leaving you is the first step to a cure.”
“There’s no point in having this conversation with you when you’re like this. Have your break then
get the fuck home here and stop playing games. I’ll speak to you in a couple of days.” Click.
“Wow. What an asshole.” Kennedy exclaimed with wide eyes. “I never knew he was like that. He really gave it to you. Guys like that need putting down. Take that fucker to the vet. Sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing his side of the conversation. He’s a pompous fuck.” He frowned then looked sheepish for venting about our telephone conversation.
“No, please, your opinion is appreciated. Harris has a great way of making everyone else think that they are the one with issues. I’m seeing a whole new side of the guy I wanted a future with. To think I had been waiting for him to propose when fate was waiting for me to wake up and smell the coffee. And let me tell you, it’s the cheap instant variety,” I added, and shook my head in disbelief at how Harris still hadn’t taken me seriously.
I should have felt depressed, but I was too frustrated to feel anything else. Maybe depression comes later. Kennedy and Lorna continued to be supportive and I found myself telling Lorna for the first time about Gray. I was stunned when she said she knew Gray from a distance at college, most girls did. How I’d gone for almost two years without knowing him was a mystery. It shouldn’t have been a surprise to me that she did. With Gray’s cool London accent and his easygoing charm, all the girls vied for his attention.
“Oh. My. God. My baby sister and Gray Dennison? What happened to all those rumors about Lianna Braun? Wasn’t he supposed to be with her?” It gave me pleasure to know only our close group knew about Gray and me. It showed me I could trust them.
“In Lianna’s mind, yeah, he was. Gray laughed when I challenged him. He said she was ‘too prissy and up her own arse’ to interest him.
Lorna giggled, “He got that right. You didn’t leave Harris because of him, did you?” she asked, scowling at me.
“Absolutely not. Give me some credit, Lorna.”
Notes On Love Page 11