Notes On Love

by K. L. Shandwick

  Hettie giggled, it was so infectious I chuckled along with her.

  “There must have been around thirty people there on the beach with us, but as far as I was concerned there was only the one. Hettie. She mesmerized me with one captivating smile, and in that moment, I felt breathless. As soon as she spoke her first words to me and I heard her voice I knew I had to know her better. It’s taken years for me to realize it was love at first sight. Once it happened…and whatever else happened after for that matter, nothing ever took that feeling and replaced it with something else.” Brody walked toward me with a big smile on his face.

  “I wondered for a while whether this back and forth thing between Hettie and Phoebe had been a dilemma for you, but now I know that was never the case. Personally, I’ve been guilty of trying to help you see what a great girl Phoebe is, but in hindsight that was more for myself than for you. You were always clear that she wasn’t the one and now that I’ve seen you with Hettie I know you did the right thing by pulling away from Phoebe rather than stringing her along. In the few days I’ve seen you around Hettie you look like a different man. I have no doubt you’ve found the real deal with her. Most of all I’m glad you’re not a weak person and weren’t too macho to seek the truth about yourself, Gray. I’m honored to be your friend.”

  “Now we’ve got the admiration of me out of the way, can I get my woman something to eat? I don’t want her being weak on our honeymoon,” I asked, snickering. Hettie smirked and shook her head and I knew her acceptance meant more to her than she was showing.

  It had taken us more than eight years to accept what I’d tried to deny we were. It was pure fluke that I met her that night. Our paths had crossed in what should have been a brief moment in time, yet the effect of the chemistry we felt was still present and I felt it would last us a lifetime. I’ve never been a fatalist, never been one for chance or anything that anecdotal. Hettie and I are both scientists, show us the facts, we’ll accept the theory. But, and it’s a big but, if my car hadn’t broken down, and I hadn’t gone to borrow that old truck from Saunders Rush that night, I may never have met her.

  ****

  Hettie and I married on a wet Friday morning, at Notting Hill Registry Office. She looked a vision of beauty in a simple long-fitted ivory satin dress with long sleeves and what Lorna referred to as a sweetheart neckline. I didn’t know much about fashion, but her cleavage definitely looked sweet. In fact I had trouble dragging my eyes away as soon as I caught sight of it.

  Our wedding was a very simple affair and so sudden we managed to keep it relatively private from the band’s fans. Hettie’s mum, Lisa; and sister, Lorna, made it over in plenty of time for the ceremony and I took to her mom immediately. She had a warm nature and a great sense of humor…and was the polar opposite of my mum.

  Lorna and Brody were official witnesses to our civil union and the ceremony took less than ten minutes to tie us together for a lifetime. It felt fitting that it wasn’t a long drawn out affair, full of rituals and opulence, all we wanted was to be together. I would have made a bigger deal than we had, but Hettie was delighted with the plan and told me it was perfect because she hated being the center of attention.

  When working in the public eye the element of surprise is important to grab a little privacy, especially for a personal family event, but I figured the management would be pissed because they didn’t get to milk the promotion for the band by tying us to a magazine deal. There was no way I was prancing around doing all that posing shit with twenty changes of clothing in a two-hour slot. Those magazine exclusives may have brought the money, but those false-looking smile shots fooled no one with an ounce of sense. Hettie and I were not the kind of people who could ever have pretended we were enjoying ourselves.

  Instead, we booked out a little restaurant in Chelsea and headed down there, just the band, our manager, our few family and friends, and I have to say it was the best wedding we’d ever been to.

  Eleven hours afterward, Hettie and I left our reception and headed to The Park Lane Hotel for the first night of our honeymoon. She stood in the doorway between the bathroom and bedroom, and looked incredible in her white lace lingerie. Her long, dark brown hair cascaded over one shoulder, and her perfect tan made her skin shine so appealingly I had a boner at the thought of touching it. Staring unashamedly at how beautiful she was I felt something move me deep in my soul reminding me how much I loved her.

  Moving toward her, still in my suit, I wrapped my arms tightly around her waist and smiled down at her adoring eyes that connected with mine. “So…Mrs. Dennison. How often are you affected by this affliction?”

  Hettie’s eyes narrowed but she could tell I was being playful. “Affliction?” she queried coyly.

  “Yeah…the one where your clothes fall to the floor leaving your nipples partially exposed through the white lace of your bra,” I offered and smirked.

  “Ah, what you’re witnessing is a once-in-a-lifetime event,” she said with a toying tone to her voice.

  “Why is that?” I questioned.

  “It only happens on my wedding day and as I’ll only ever marry you once, this is it,” she answered.

  Before I could ask anything else, Hettie slid her hands up my shirt front and pushed my jacket off my shoulders. “Oh no, it would appear you are going to suffer the same problem,” she said and smiled naughtily.

  “Not me,” I smirked, “No white, lacy bra.” I shrugged and laughed as she grabbed me by the hand and pulled me toward the massive bed. Turning me around she pushed me back onto it. Seconds later she stripped me out of my tie and my shirt. All the while her eyes were flitting back and forth between my body and my face, until she unzipped the fly of my pants.

  “Gray! You came to our wedding commando?” she asked sounding shocked.

  “Of course! I couldn’t get a thong to fit me,” I joked.

  “I married a guy with no underwear?”

  “No, baby, you married a guy whose underwear would have been soaked by the time we got here.”

  “So just soaked pants instead?” she offered. Grinning, Hettie laid her hand flat against my belly and slid it inside my pants. Her fingers grappled with my hard cock and she pulled it free of my flies. Her eyes darkened on sight and she licked her lips. If I’d been a selfish man, the old Gray, I may well have let her have at it, but I wasn’t that guy anymore, and she was my wife. And on our wedding night, I wanted to master her, take control…make her feel protected, desired, and I wanted to worship her body. It wasn’t a case of domination; it was a case of finally cementing the deal on what I knew was finally mine.

  That night when I moved inside her, it was painfully slow, every thrust a deliberate stroke of love from me to her until neither of us could cope any longer with the tease. I finally collapsed in a breathless heap on top of her after I set a punishing pace which had her begging me to stop. Having come several times, Hettie groaned in satisfaction and stretched her limbs in her sated state. “I think I’ll keep you,” she teased. I rolled her on her side, smacked her ass and pulled her hard into my body. “Anyone tell you, you’re a wicked woman?”

  “No, Gray, I’m your wicked woman,” she said correcting me. I smiled and kissed her hair, “Can we go to sleep now? I’m exhausted. Getting married is fucking hard work,” she stated. I smiled into her neck and kissed her hair. “Sure. Set the alarm, you can have a two-hour break then I’ll expect my cardinal rights,” I told her.

  “No more until we arrive where we’re going tomorrow, then I promise you a honeymoon most men would dream about.” Somehow, I believed her.

  ****

  Breaking with tradition, Hettie booked the honeymoon; it was my concession for such a quick wedding. I was in awe with the result of handing her the reins. She took me to a luxury ski chalet in Verbier, in the snow- covered mountains of the alps in Austria. At first I thought it a weird choice, but when Hettie’s eyes lit up like fireworks had exploded behind them when we arrived at the re
sort, I knew it was exactly what she wanted.

  The cabin she’d chosen had no expense spared, but it wasn’t her being lavish with my cash. She had thought of my safety and privacy, and I had to agree with her superb taste. The chalet had a view right on the pristine white powdered piste, two outdoor hot tubs, a wraparound deck on the second floor, and a view of the alps I thought was perfection.

  We spent cozy nights naked by the glow of the burning hot, log fire which reminded us of the night we first met, and were a flawless contrast to our days of fun in the snow. The mountain air made us tired and led us to spend more time in bed than we would otherwise have, which was more appealing than a trip to a crowded hot beach. Then I remembered Hettie had lived her whole life in Miami, so her choice was adventurous and faultless.

  Knowing Hettie was willing to take charge, face new challenges, and take chances meant everything to me. From my observations of Brody and Dana, I knew being the wife of a rock star brought many trials and tests of trust, and that would happen with some degree of regularity.

  Lying next to her, watching her sleep, my heart squeezed, reminding me how deeply rooted she was in there. I thanked my lucky stars for her and was relieved to think I didn’t quit Mike’s advice when he made me keep those notes on love.

  Realizing Hettie was the only woman I’d ever been in love with was a revelation. She had known me before I was famous, knew all my flaws, and we had no secrets from each other. She would probably never know how hard I had worked to get to where I was emotionally, to know what love felt like, but it was worth every second to have such a precious woman in my life. From the moment I recognized what it felt like to be in love, it was Hettie’s image that came to mind. My heart was hers. It had been since the day I met her.

  Epilogue

  Gray

  2016

  “What do you think?” Hettie asked, as she grinned at the kids who collectively held their breaths for my answer.

  “Well…” I pretended to think about what I’d just heard. “It’s awesome, you are all incredible,” I gushed, enthusing energy into the room full of young budding musicians and lyricists. They had written, performed, and recorded a CD mixture of ballads and light rock songs they’d played and mixed themselves. “We should market it for the charity. I’ll talk to the band’s promoters and see if they’ll donate some time to it.”

  Hettie wiped her hand over her brow, her belly full to bursting as she stood looking like she’d achieved world peace. “You’re much better at mixing than I am, Winston,” I said to the young, lanky seventeen-year-old who also was also a great rap lyricist. The boy was a natural, and it made my heart swell that his talent wasn’t going to be wasted or untapped.

  “Ah, I had a good teacher,” he said, and looked bashfully at his peers.

  “Don’t do that, Buddy. Accept the compliment. Trust me; I don’t give them out like bubble gum.”

  “Thought you said bubble gum wasn’t allowed in the center,” Josh, the eight-year-old boy from a foster family piped up, correcting me.

  “It’s not, it’s a figure of speech,” I answered.

  Glancing up at me with a puzzled look, I scrubbed his hair, messing it up, and he stepped in to hug me. “Will you sing for us?” he asked expectantly.

  “Sure, what do you want me to sing?” I asked, smiling at him.

  “Teach me?”

  “All right, but only if Hettie sits on my knee while I sing it, and Leon plays the guitar for it.”

  Leon was another kid I was nurturing. He’d never touched a musical instrument until he came to the center. In the two years he’d been coming he’d grown from a shy thirteen-year-old, who’d been bullied at school, to a popular member of the older kids group. He was well respected for his talent of lead and acoustic guitar skills.

  Hettie waddled over, her hands on her hips and slid one leg between mine sitting down on my thigh.

  “Humpf,” I groaned like she weighed a ton and all the kids laughed loudly. “All right, calm down,” I said, playfully. “Okay, Leon, when you’re ready, but remember, kids, you gotta join in the chorus.”

  Leon began playing and I patted my hand to the rhythm while Hettie put her arms around my neck. She looked longingly into my eyes as one hand teased the new beaded necklace she’d given me on our wedding day. Since I gave my mother’s hers back, I had often absentmindedly reached up for the beads out of habit. Hettie had noticed this and replaced it to start an heirloom of my own which I really could treasure. I’d written five songs about her in the two years we’d been married and although I had sung to her many times alone, I’d never sung “Teach Me” to her.

  By the light of the moon.

  I saw you through an amber hazy glow.

  Your shadow cast in the sand and I wanted to know

  A sweet looking girl appearing soft like gentle lapping waves.

  I was instantly inspired by the one girl that I craved.

  When you smiled it was a simple gesture you gave.

  That made my heart sing, it filled my soul, and it made me feel brave.

  So I stepped on up, knowing I had little time, baby.

  I took that risk ‘cause and pretended you were mine.

  So teach me now.

  Or else I’ll wonder about you, forever.

  Teach me now.

  I can't think that we may never.

  Teach me now, ʼcause I won't rest unless I know.

  How it feels to hold you.

  The whole time I sang it had felt like we were the only two people in the room, despite the forty odd kids that sat enthralled by my performance.

  Hettie had tears in her eyes and leaned forward, pressing her lips to mine in a closed kiss. There were vomit sounds and cheers from the kids, and she smiled against my lips. “Do you think they think it’s baby Jesus in here,” she whispered and giggled. I gave her a soft chuckle and stood her gently off my knee.

  “All right next time you want to hear me sing, buy a ticket to my gigs. You’re all costing me a fortune in drumsticks and guitar strings,” I said, pretending to be mad. “Now, if you don’t mind I’m taking Mrs. Dennison home. We don’t want her getting fat ankles from carrying my big bouncing baby around, do we?”

  All the kids moved to the side and I led Hettie to the car. “You did a great job, baby,” I cooed.

  “I take my finals next month,” she said. I was so proud she’d enrolled at university and done another MSc in sound engineering. She wanted to help at the charity during the times we were in London.

  “You’ll ace it. Still feel this is what you want to do?”

  “Definitely, I only have to see those kids’ faces when they achieve in there to know that. Beats teaching classes of adolescent boys who made rude gestures behind my back and tried to cop a feel of my ass all day,” she said, smiling at me.

  “Whoa. They did?”

  “Yeah, there wasn’t a day went by without someone won a bet on me.”

  “That’s sick, they should have been flogged.”

  “Yeah, well I guess they were too busy flogging something else to think about getting caught.”

  “There’s none of that here is there because I won’t—”

  “Jeez, Gray, calm down. No of course there isn’t. These kids are all overwhelmed to be at the center. I haven’t met one that’s taken it for granted.”

  Once I’d calmed down from her confession and my heart settled, I headed for home. During the journey home, she slumped lower in her seat and rested her head on my shoulder. She rubbed her belly. “Gray, I think maybe a trip to the hospital may be a good idea.” Her strange tone made my head turn to look at her.

  “Why? Are you feeling unwell?” My eyes continued to dart back and forth between her and the road as I tried to gauge if she was okay.

  “Yeah, I’m feeling okay, I’ve had some pains for the past few hours—nothing breathtaking, just some niggling cramps low in my belly, but I think my wate
rs just broke.”

  “Shit, don’t panic, baby, St. Thomas’ Hospital is only fifteen minutes away,” I said. We were nearly home by the time she’d informed me, so I diverted immediately and headed for the embankment. My voice sounded more nervous than I was going for when I offered reassurance.

  “Slow down, it’s fine. It isn’t like he’s coming any minute,” she added with a smile.

  “Wish I was,” I joked, completely inappropriately. “Are you okay to make the call to them, baby?” “Sure…I’m more worried about fans recognizing you when we get there.”

  “Get me, Brody,” I barked then winced because I’d snapped. What the fuck is wrong with me? She needs me to be in control.

  After we’d given Brody and Dana the heads up, and he assured me he’d take care of our privacy, I felt calmer and began to get my act together. I performed on the world’s stage every day and despite that, a seven-pound bundle of joy that wasn’t even part of that world yet had almost taken me down.

  Hettie’s phone rang again. “Put the speaker on,” I instructed her. As she answered, a pain took her breath away, and she sucked air into her lungs.

  “Breathe, baby, in and out,”

  “I think she knows how to breathe, Gray,” Brody said, chuckling.

  “Tell me.” I wasn’t in the mood for jokes, my wife was in pain.

  “You are to drive to the emergency entrance, they’ll take you both through to the back corridor there and one of the security guys will park your car. Got a hold of the PR team, they’re organizing extra security as we speak. Keep us informed, we’re not coming until you tell us, we don’t want it turning into a carnival down there.”

  “We’ve got hours yet, relax,” Hettie said when I glanced at her face to see how she was doing.

  No sooner were the words out that she started breathing heavily and gave a small grunt at the end of the contraction. “Fuck, are you sure it’s not coming?” I asked as I pulled up to the entrance Brody told me to.

  Brody concluded the call and true to his word a midwife and two security guys stood just inside the door. Grabbing the handle, the midwife pulled it open and grinned. “Hello, Mummy, are we ready to meet our little one?” she asked too fucking cheerfully for the hour of the evening. What I really loved was she ignored me altogether like she should have. Giving birth was definitely Hettie’s gig.