Chasing Fireflies

by Paige P. Horne

  Maci laughs. “That sounds about right. But like I said, Leigh is really great. When I was pregnant, she made me a baby blanket filled with pictures of children’s books on it.”

  “How old is your kid?” I ask.

  “I lost our baby.”

  “That must have been hard,” I say sadly.

  “It was.” She looks down for a moment and then clears her throat. “So, anyway, Anne said you needed to be paid under the table?”

  “Yes, but if that’s an issue, I totally understand.”

  “No, I’m just glad to have some company around here.” She smiles and links her fingers together. “Now it’ll only be part-time and the pay won’t be great, but it’ll give you something to do. So if you want it, the job is yours.”

  “I do. Thank you.”

  “Okay, good. That’s settled. Let me show you how everything works. It’s very easy. I’m sure you will get it quickly.”

  I smile as I follow her around to the desk. Cash will be happy about this. It doesn’t seem like it will be full of people often, so I think I can handle it. I’m doing this for Cash. I want to be something he can be proud of and not so much of a burden on him. He would never say it, but I know sometimes he wishes I wasn’t so messed up. I wish I wasn’t so messed up.

  “What does your husband do?” Maci asks, taking me away from my thoughts.

  “He’s a deputy. Works with Chief Rogers now.”

  “Oh, good. We don’t have much crime around here, thank God, but it’s good the chief has some extra help. He’s getting older, been the chief as long as I can remember.”

  “You grew up here?” I ask.

  “Yep. I love this town, couldn’t imagine living anywhere else,” she says. “Now, let me show you how our computer system works.”

  *

  “Hey.” I hear and look up from the computer.

  “Hey,” I reply, smiling at my husband.

  “Good day?” he asks as he walks closer to me.

  “Better than I thought.” He kisses me quickly, and I look up when Maci comes around the corner.

  “Hello.” She smiles. “You must be Sara’s husband.”

  “Nice to meet you. Maci, is it?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m Cash.” He reaches for her hand to shake.

  “I heard you’re working with the chief. I was telling Sara I’m glad to see Chief Rogers has some more help over there,” she says, taking my husband’s hand. Cash smiles. “Sara, I’ll close up. You two can head on home. Enjoy your evening.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I’ll see you tomorrow?” she asks.

  “I’ll be here.”

  *

  “So, do you think you’re going to like it?”

  “I think so. It’s quiet, which is a plus.”

  “I’m happy you’re happy.” He smiles at me. “What do you wanna do for supper? Wanna try Billy’s Barbeque Pit? I’ve heard they have the best ribs.”

  “Okay,” I reply as we pull up to our house.

  “I’ll get changed and we can leave,” he says, walking up the stairs.

  *

  Cash

  I open the door and let my wife walk in first. She links our fingers, and I see it when people look our way. Sara is a beauty, but she doesn’t like the attention. And because she is a beauty, that’s all she gets. She goes without makeup most of the time even though that doesn’t matter. She looks good with or without it.

  “How many?” the hostess asks.

  “Two,” I tell her. I look over the crowded room. “You got anything outside?” She looks at me like I’m crazy. Although it’s warm today, I want my wife to be comfortable while she eats, and I know she won’t be if she thinks people are looking at her.

  “Right this way.”

  We take our seats, and I sigh happily when I notice a small fan rotating not too far from us.

  “Your waitress will be over soon.”

  We look over the menu, and I decide on the rib plate while Sara says she wants the same.

  “Thanks for asking for a seat outside,” she says.

  “I thought it would be better out here.”

  “I know you did it for me, Cash. Thank you.”

  “You don’t have to thank me for looking out for you, Sara.”

  “You know I used to be worse than this?” She looks down and tugs at my heartstrings.

  “I remember,” I tell her. She did used to be worse. Sara found out she had manic depression when she was only sixteen. She was outgoing and into everything. Cheerleader, played soccer, and had tons of friends. She was the life of the party, and that’s how I fell in love with her.

  I remember the day I fell for her. A bunch of us kids were hanging out at Lake Side, and on a dare she got on the old train bridge and jumped off into the water. Most kids wouldn’t do this, as it’s very high up and not exactly safe. But Sara didn’t care. She was wild, full of life, and when she had her mind made up, you couldn’t stop her. I thought, wow, this girl is crazy. Crazy beautiful, crazy fun, and I was crazy in love. She is my crazy heart.

  No one had any idea that my girl had secrets, that on the inside she was like a tornado––unpredictable and all over the place. Her parents knew something was up, and I knew something was up. Why was this girl so high-strung all the time? And why sometimes couldn’t she muster up the energy to get out of bed?

  *

  “Sara is asleep, Cash. She doesn’t feel well.”

  “She’s been sleeping all day, though.” I stand at the front door in a full suit, ready to take my girl to prom, but she can’t get out of bed today.

  “Well, I’ll tell her to call you when she wakes up.” Debbie goes to shut the door, but I stop her.

  “Mrs. Debbie, I don’t mean to be disrespectful here, but I promised Sara a dance, and I plan on giving her that dance.” I look her square in her heart-shaped face.

  “Let the boy by, Debbie.” I hear and see Mr. Walter walk up. “Sara needs to experience normal things.”

  “She does experience normal things.”

  “What she is doing right now isn’t normal. She has been in the bed for three damn days. Let the boy by.”

  Debbie looks pissed, but Walter doesn’t back down.

  “Fine,” she huffs before she takes off past me.

  Walter grabs the keys. “Son, I’m taking Debbie for a long drive. You seem to make my girl smile, and she needs to smile more.” He pats my shoulder as he walks out and the door shuts behind me when I step in. I take a breath as I hear Debbie fussing, but then two car doors shut. I look up at the stairs and bite my lip.

  My knuckle taps on the door, but I hear nothing. I tap again and still nothing, so I walk in. It’s pitch-black in here, and the only sound is the fan circulating in the corner.

  “Sara,” I say when I make it over to her bed. She groans, but doesn’t wake. “Sara, wake up.” My eyes have adjusted, and I see hers blink open.

  “Cash?” she questions as she rubs her head and turns over. “What are you doing here?”

  “It’s prom night.”

  “I can’t go,” she tells me.

  “I’ve brought it to you, baby.”

  “Cash…” She tries to argue.

  “Stop. You’re not missing out, and I’m not either.”

  She sits up and moves her wild curls out of her face.

  “You’re all dressed up.”

  “And you look pretty as ever,” I say. “Come on. I want to dance with you.”

  She moves the covers to the side, and I take her hand to pull her up. “Where’s your CD player?”

  “Over there.” She points. I lean down and turn the small lamp on before walking over to the radio. I put in Prince, and as the music starts, I see my girl smile.

  “‘Purple Rain’?”

  “The best.” I grin. She shakes her head, and I take her hands in mine.

  “I’m sorry. I couldn’t get up today.”

  “I’m sorry you couldn�
��t either,” I tell her. Her hands go around my neck, and I put mine on her hips. As Prince croons about not wanting to cause anyone any pain, my girl leans in closer and I feel everything—the soft sway of her hips and her PJs against my hands. Her fingers readjust against the skin on my neck, and I look down into her blue eyes as she looks at my lips. Leaning down, I kiss her and hear her inhale deeply as I pull her to me. She tastes like minty toothpaste, letting me know she did get up at one point to brush her teeth, which makes me happy. I hate thinking of her in bed all day, alone. She pulls away.

  “Do you love me, Cash?”

  “Yes.”

  “Show me,” she says. I search her face, looking for any hesitation, but see none. She pulls me to the bed, and I climb on top of her. On shaky arms, I hold myself up and she smiles. I don’t see it often when she is down like this, so it makes my heartbeat pick up. I smile back and lean down to taste her again. Her legs fall open, and I sink between them, gripping her thigh as she links her ankles behind my back. I try to kiss her sadness away, and with my lips I try to tell her how much I love her. She moans when I press into her. I lean back on my heels, taking my blazer off and unbuttoning my shirt. She helps me slide it over my shoulders, but I keep my undershirt on. Her hands go to my belt, and I grab my wallet out from my back pocket. I take the condom out and rip it open with my teeth. She moves up and slides the cotton down her legs. I help pull it off of her. I unzip my pants, and once the condom is on, I look back at her.

  “I love you, Sara. I love everything sad and happy about you.”

  “Promise?”

  “I promise. Hold on to me, baby.”

  She does, and I slowly sink inside her. Her eyes shut, and I see pain in her face. She leans up into my neck, and I press forward.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell her as I sink all the way in. I stay still for a moment, letting her get used to me, and when she shifts upward, I move and it’s every fucking thing I thought it would be, and more.

  “Cash?” I clear my throat and look up. “Where did you go, baby?”

  “Prom night,” I say.

  She blushes, and as our food comes to the table, I think I can’t get done fast enough. I want my wife now.

  *

  Slamming the door shut, I grab Sara and press her up against the wall. “I need you, baby.”

  “Have me then,” she says, and that’s all I hear. On a grin I lift her and take her up the stairs. Our clothes come off, our lips find each other, and as I lay her down, I sink inside and make her see fucking stars.

  Chapter Six

  Cash

  Loud buzzing and soft clipping reverberate throughout the shop, and I lean back as Berry gets to work on my beard. “Just a trim, Berry.”

  “Yes, sir.’”

  I look over when the door chimes open, and in walks a tall man with dirty blond hair.

  “Berry.” He nods toward the man working on my beard.

  “Lucas,” Berry returns. “How’s the wife doing?”

  “Maci’s fine.”

  “Maci?” I question. “Are you Maci’s husband?”

  “Who wants to know?”

  “I’m Cash, Sara’s husband. Your wife just hired mine on at the library.”

  He laughs once. “Right, she’s the one who had a panic attack on her first day,” he says, taking a seat beside Ben who has his eyes on the newspaper. I tilt my head and narrow my eyes, feeling my neck get hot.

  “Lucas, no one needs any trouble around here,” Berry warns.

  “Just telling the truth there, boss.” Lucas holds up his hands.

  Ben clears his throat. “Why don’t you head on somewhere else? I’m sure the diner has some coffee waiting on you.”

  “Why don’t you pretend like you’re an actual cop and go do some cop work?”

  I eyeball Lucas as I wait for Berry to finish. Ben looks back at his newspaper. A hot towel is placed onto my throat, and I give it a minute before I remove it.

  “That’s good, Berry. What do I owe you?”

  “This one is on the house, deputy.”

  “Thank you,” I say, standing.

  “Ah, we got another Barney Fife on our hands, boys,” Lucas says. I look over at him.

  “Good to see ol’ Chief Rogers and Guz have hired on some help. Too bad it’s not someone more…” he looks me over, “qualified.” He sniffs and spits into the trashcan beside him. “Guess I’ll see you around, buddy.” He grins. I chuckle without humor and walk toward the door. Before I open it, I turn back around.

  “Lucas?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Speak unkindly about my wife again and I’ll break your fucking nose…buddy.” I push the door open and let it shut behind me. Ben walks out and cracks a smile.

  “Haven’t seen anyone stand up to that piece of shit in a long time. I heard the last man that did got his arm broke, and that was back when Lucas was in high school,” he tells me.

  I shake my head at Ben’s excitement. “Guy seems like an asshole and a bully,” I say as I walk to the truck. I know I shouldn’t have let the man get to me, but I don’t cope well with someone talking shit about my wife.

  “Cash, toss me the ball.” I glance back at Mason and bounce the ball his way. He jumps and makes the shot easily. I look over when Sara and her friends sit down on the bleachers. She’s wearing baggy clothes today, and her hair probably hasn’t even been brushed. It’s a bad day for her, but I still give her a smile.

  The ball gets bounced back to me, and I catch it. “Why do you want anything to do with that girl?” Mason asks me.

  “What the hell do you mean?”

  “I mean, she’s weird, man. Everyone knows she sleeps for days, and then one minute she’s all over the place. Hell, the teachers even talk about her. I heard Mrs. Roberts telling Mrs. Bailey the girl can’t even pay attention sometimes. How she is popular I don’t understand it.”

  My mind doesn’t tell my hands to stop before I throw the ball at his face.

  “Don’t talk about my girl, man,” I say as he holds his busted nose.

  *

  I pull up to the house and see the screen door open. Putting the truck in park, I step out and walk inside. “Sara?” I call out as I walk through the living room. There’s no answer, and I run up the stairs. The bed is unmade, and our pillows are wrapped up in the sheets. A light breeze blows the white curtains in our bedroom, and a slow panic spreads throughout my chest. I walk over to the window and look out. The moonlight shines bright, and I see that the field is empty, but a chill runs down my spine as a bad feeling passes through my mind.

  Moving away from the window, I turn around and run back down the stairs. I push the door open and step out onto the porch. Looking down the road, I take off toward my truck and jump inside. My headlights shine down the road ahead of me, and my neck hairs prickle as I wonder where my wife is. As I twist my hands around the steering wheel, a cold sweat breaks out across my forehead, and I let out a sob of relief when I see my baby walking. I yank the truck in park once I hit the brake and then jump out.

  “Sara,” I say as I run up to her. I grab her from behind, and my eyes look down at her bare feet. “Baby, you have no shoes on.”

  “I don’t like shoes,” she mumbles, and I let out a sad laugh.

  “Let me take you home.” I lift her in my arms, and she lays her head on my chest. “Fucking hell, you scared me.”

  “I was lonely,” she whispers and everything is quiet, but the sound of my heart breaking can be heard from miles away.

  *

  Bubbles surround my girl as I lightly run the sponge over her back. “Feel better?” I ask.

  “No, everything hurts and nothing hurts at all.” She hugs her knees and rests her chin on top of her hand. Her dirty blonde curls are piled up on her head. Small ringlets fall and soak up water from her skin. My eyes look at her neck, and I squeeze water from the sponge and let it drip down her shoulders.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Me, too,�
� she says, looking down at the bubbles as they disappear slowly.

  “Tell me how you feel, baby. Explain it to me.”

  “My mind is falling in on itself. Life seems blurry. Nothing is clear.” She runs her hand over her face and rests it there.

  “You know that natural hope that most people have?”

  “Yes, baby.”

  “I don’t have it. I can’t seem to find a reason to want to stay.”

  “We need to find you someone to talk to.”

  “No.” She sighs and looks over at me. Her blue eyes have lost their light. “It’ll pass.”

  *

  Sara

  It sneaks in between the blinds and spreads throughout the room. Slowly, without permission, it taunts me. You haven’t slept all night, and here I am. It laughs in my face, letting me know the rest of the world is awake. It’s morning and another day has begun. I throw the covers off of me and sit up. Swiping at the unruly curls on my head, I get up and yank my curtains closed, shutting out the sunshine, because today I hate it. I lie back in my bed and pull the covers up to my chin. I hear footsteps on the stairs, and I swallow because Cash is going to make me get up.

  “Sara.” I hear and close my eyes tight, willing him to go away. Leave me alone. I can’t do it today.

  “You have work.”

  “I can’t.” I swallow the lump in my throat and wonder why I can’t control these shifty thoughts in my head.

  “Come on, baby.”

  “Cash, I can’t do it today. I’m sure Maci will be fine without me.”

  “You have to do it. It’s only for a few hours.”

  “But it hurts.”

  “What hurts? Tell me,” he says, sitting down beside me.

  “Everything,” I cry.

  *

  My eyes are tired and red rims the edges, but I suck it up and walk inside. Cash looks like I feel on the inside—sick and tired. I’m only doing this for him, because if it were just up to me, I’d lie down and never get up.

  “Hey,” Maci chirps, and I put on the best fake smile I can.