“You did.”
“But tell them,” she says again.
“She did!” he yells.
She nods her head and opens the door. “Thanks,” she says. “See, I told you two I did it.” I hear her say before the door shuts again.
“She really did that?” I ask.
“Yep, she spent the whole night with her face in the toilet, too.”
I laugh and take a swig of my beer. Mark puts the guitar down and stands up. He kicks a log deeper into the fire pit before he sits back down and grabs a beer from the cooler. “So, how’s she doing, man?” he asks me as he pops the top.
I look over at him and then back down at the fire. “She’s good,” I say, but I don’t tell him about two nights ago when she broke a whole rack of dishes because her mood went from happy to pissed-the-fuck-off in two seconds. I don’t tell him about the credit card bills and how she has clothes with tags still on them. I keep my mouth shut about the tears she cries for no reason and how her meds make her sleepy and she keeps going to her shrink because sometimes she isn’t sure about life. Hell, we hardly talk about it between the two of us, so there’s no reason for me to talk about it with him. “Yeah, man, she’s doing good.” I swallow my lie with cold beer and lean back in my chair.
Lying is easy when you’re protecting the person you love. You don’t want anyone to judge them harshly, so you don’t give them any reason to. You can because it’s your love, but nobody else better fucking do it, so you lie. You lie to keep them happy; you lie to keep yourself believing everything is okay—that your life is normal. That it’s fine your wife sometimes would rather stay in the dark than see the sunshine. You talk yourself up and you make yourself believe that she’ll be all right, and if she isn’t, you’ll do everything in your power to make her be.
“Glad to hear that, man.”
I nod and look toward the house of laughing females. The screen door opens, and out they walk. Leigh holds on to that same bottle, while Sara jogs down the steps and straight to me. She sits on my lap and links her fingers behind my neck.
“What are you two doing out here?” she asks me.
“This and that.” I grin.
“This and that,” she counters. I bounce my knee so she bounces, too. She smiles and looks up at the sky. “It’s a perfect night.”
“It is,” I agree, looking up just as a star shoots across the sky.
“Did you see that?” Sara asks, wide-eyed.
“I did.”
“Make a wish, baby,” she tells me as she closes her eyes. I close mine, too, and wish for more perfect days just like this one.
“Did you wish?” she asks.
“Yes.”
“What did you wish for?”
“I can’t tell you.”
She grins. “You’re no fun, Cash Williams.”
“If I tell you, it won’t come true.”
“Did you wish for babies?” she asks me quietly. I look over her pretty face. It’s slightly flushed from drinking, and her hair falls carelessly around it.
“Did you?” I ask.
“Maybe.” She shrugs.
“We can work on that, you know? All you have to do is stop taking your birth control.”
“I know.” She smiles, and then her face turns serious as though she had a bad thought.
“I’m getting tired,” she says, sliding off my lap. “I’m going to call it a night, guys.” She walks away and into the house as the girls tell her bye. Leigh looks over at me with a concerned expression. I look away.
“She’s had a long day,” I say. Like I said, lying for the people you love is easy, and soon you become so good at it you don’t know what the truth is anymore. Sara hasn’t had a long day; she slept most of it away and actually didn’t get up until I told her everyone was coming over, and I only did that to get her out of bed. She can’t be tired, or maybe she can. Who really knows?
*
I walk into the house after I put the fire out and everyone leaves. Sara sits at the kitchen counter with a cup of coffee in her hand.
“Why did you do that?” she asks me.
“Do what?” I question as I lean against the doorway.
“Invite everyone over, knowing I was tired today.”
“You slept all day, Sara. How in the hell can you be tired still?” I push off the doorframe and walk around the countertop.
“You don’t know what I am or how I feel, Cash, so stop acting like you do.”
“I’m just saying you slept all day. There is no way a person can still be tired if they slept for fourteen hours.”
“I can,” she says. “I could sleep for a week and probably still be tired.”
“Well, then we need to get your medicine fixed.”
“Fuck my medicine. I’m sick to death of taking that shit. I’m tired of getting it changed all the damn time. Nothing helps. Nothing helps with these shifty feelings I have.” She slides off the stool and dumps her coffee into the sink. “I’m never going to feel normal, and I don’t want to bring a kid into this world and risk them feeling like I do. I can’t put that on anyone else.”
“You’re the one talking about having babies, Sara. I never mentioned it.” She doesn’t say anything back, but her eyes fill with tears.
“I hate myself.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true. I hate myself. I hate everything. I hate this stupid house. I hate this stupid kitchen. I hate this coffee mug.” She picks it up and smashes it onto the floor. “I hate you!” she screams, walking over broken glass and running out of here. The sting in my chest is the only thing she leaves. That and the small drops of blood on the floor.
*
I walk out onto the porch and sit down, running my hands over my face and looking out. The moonlight casts a glow on the road, and smoke still rises from the fire pit in the yard. I know Sara doesn’t hate me, but damn, if those words coming from her mouth don’t hurt. I hear the screen door open, and I turn to see her. She leans against it and puts her hands behind her back.
“Cash, I’m so sorry,” she says with tears in her eyes, and I know she is.
“Come here, baby,” I say, holding out my hand. She takes it eagerly, and I pull her onto my lap. She wraps her arm around my neck, and I put my face in her hair and breathe her in. She smells like fire and broken promises. One day she is going to hate herself too much, and that’ll be the end of everything. I fear that day so terribly it makes my hands tremble. She cries, and I breathe. She hurts, and I do, too. Our hearts beat the same rhythm, and our souls are made from the same star, but her mind fights it and it ruins us both.
“I love you,” I tell her. “I’ll love you even when we are nothing but a faded memory.”
“Promise me,” she says.
“Promise, promise, baby.”
Chapter Sixteen
Sara
I flip through the pages of my journal, skimming over words I’ve written throughout the past few months. Happy days, sad days, crazy days, and days filled with all emotions inside a different hour. I’m all over the place, and I toss the book aside and open the cap on my medicine bottle. Two pills fall out onto my hand, and I throw them back, chasing them with a glass of water from my nightstand.
“Today is going to be a good day, Sara.” I talk myself up and take a deep breath before I stand, wincing as soon as I do because I cut my foot pretty bad from stepping over the broken mug. Sighing, I pull a sweater over my head. You can feel the cold wind coming in from the old windows. The house holds a constant chill, and they say we may get snow today. We shall see.
I walk out of the bedroom and down the stairs. Cash sits on the couch with a foot propped up on the coffee table. I walk over and sit down beside him. He puts his arm around me, and I lift my foot and hug my knee. I take medicine that doesn’t work, and I’ll be so tired in a little while, I’ll probably fall asleep right here. That is, if Cash lets me.
“Your mom called while you were getting dre
ssed.”
“Oh, yeah?” I ask.
“Yep.”
“I’ll call her later.”
“Up to you.” He shrugs.
“How long has it been now?” I ask.
“Since when?”
“Since you’ve spoken to your parents.”
“A while.” He looks down.
“You should call them.”
“Why?”
“Because life’s too short. Because I know you miss them.”
“They didn’t support me, Sara. They didn’t support us.”
“I know that, but people mess up.”
“Yeah, but who doesn’t show up to their son’s wedding?”
“I’m sure they regret it.”
“Maybe so.” He sighs and pulls me closer. I feel his lips on my forehead, and I snuggle up to him. My eyes look out the window in our living room, and I jump up.
“Baby, it’s snowing.” I move away from him and walk to the door. Pulling it open, I step out onto the front porch. A smile spreads across my face. I hear Cash walk up behind me.
“They’re saying we may get a good bit. You want to head to the store now and pick up some things and some more of your smell-good candles in case the lights go out?”
“Yeah, let me go put my shoes on.” I tuck a stray curl behind my ear and turn around. Cash leans against the front door. His arms are crossed over his chest, and his dark hair is getting long. His beard shields his face, but it’s not overpowering. My husband is so good-looking.
“What are you staring at, baby?”
“You.” I smile and walk up to him. He licks his lips before I softly plant mine onto his. It’s quick, and I pull away. “I love you. I don’t deserve you, but I love you with my whole heart,” I tell pure love.
“I deserve you, though, and I love you with my whole life.” He wraps me in a hug, and I breathe in his scent. It’s fresh air and a stream of springtime water flowing down a mountaintop. It’s manly. It’s Cash.
“Let’s go to the store before the roads get too bad,” he says, and we walk inside so I can grab my shoes.
*
The snow comes down in sheets as we head to town. With no heat in Old Blue, it’s freezing. I sit in the middle so I can keep warm beside Cash. Our breaths blow smoke, and I wish he had driven the police truck home Friday evening. We turn into town and come to a stop at the red light. I see white smoke bellowing out of the tailpipe in the side mirror as Mark walks across the street. Cash rolls his window down. “Hey, man, you need me to come help you with some more firewood?” Cash asks.
“Yeah, but it can wait. Come on by the house, though, and I’ll send you home with some for helping me the other day.” Mark puts his hands into his pockets. “They say it’s going to get really bad later tonight.”
“That’s what I heard. I’ll make my way over there after we get finished here.”
“Sounds good. I get off in about twenty minutes.”
Cash nods before Mark hurries across the road. We park the truck, and Cash gives me a quick kiss before we get out. His lips are cold, and I know mine are, too.
“We have to get that heater fixed,” I say.
“We will.” He grabs my icy fingers and pulls the door open. I instantly thaw out from the warmness inside the store.
“So, what should we get?” Cash asks as we scan the aisles.
“Junk food and meat.” I grin.
“That’s my wife.” He winks.
After we clean the shelves in the candy aisle, we walk over to the meat and grab a few steaks and some other things to put into our freezer. We walk to the checkout line, and I look over the magazines. Someone is having a baby with this person and someone is adopting two kids from another country. Twelve million dollar divorce for these two people. Geez, I thought I had problems.
“I’m sorry, sir, but your card has been declined.”
I look up at the cashier.
“Here, try this one.” Cash hands her another card, and I bite my bottom lip, praying it goes through. Shit, did I use that one recently? I exhale air I didn’t know I was holding when the receipt prints and she hands it to Cash. I grab some bags and follow him out. I can see from the tension in his shoulders, he is pissed. He opens my door for me to get in, but he doesn’t look at me.
“Cash.”
“Just get in, Sara.”
I do and he shuts the door. Once he’s inside, he sits still, holding his hands over the steering wheel. He looks out the front windshield, and I look down at his jaw as it ticks.
“Is it going to come down to me hiding my wallet from you?” he finally says.
“Cash…I.”
“No, Sara. I don’t want to hear you’re sorry. I want to know. Is this the kind of relationship you want to have? Where we have to hide things from each other?” He glances over at me, and I look away. “Because I’ll do it. I’ll fucking hide every piece of money we own or make if it keeps us from having credit cards being denied.”
“Oh, you’re going to get upset at me? What about the motorcycle you bought, Cash? You didn’t talk to me about it. You just bought it, and I didn’t flip out on you.”
“I thought it would make you happy, baby. Plus, that was before redoing the house drained us.”
I sigh and look out the window. “Can you just take me home, please?” I see him shake his head before he starts the truck. The ride back is quiet, and once we make it home, we carry the bags inside.
“I’m heading over to Mark’s for a bit. I’ll be back in a little while.” He grabs his keys and looks back at me. “Okay?” he asks.
“Okay.”
He walks out, and I close my eyes and grip the countertop behind me when the door shuts. I decide to take a nap. The covers welcome me, and the darkness in my room comforts my mind and mood. Sometime later sleep takes over.
*
Cash
I lift my arm and quickly bring it back down onto the piece of wood in front of me. Snow falls, and it’s freezing here. Mark told me not to worry about cutting up any more, but I need to get this anger out. I’m pissed. I’m pissed off at my wife. I’m pissed off at myself. I should have been more careful. I should have hidden our credit cards from her. But that pisses me off more because I shouldn’t have to hide shit from her. She is my wife. My partner.
Lifting my arm again, I slam down hard onto the firewood. It splits one piece, becoming two halves, separating and falling away from each other. I step back and look at the two splintered pieces of oak. Sara’s disorder is the ax, and we are the logs. I blink my eyes and look around at the white snow that covers the ground. I feel how cold it is and see the smoke coming from my mouth. I toss the ax away from me. Fuck that ax.
*
Sara
I jump awake and look over at the clock. It’s two in the morning, and I still feel tired. Cash sleeps soundly beside me, and I toss the covers off and rake a hand through my hair. Looking out, I see the glow of the moonlight shining against the night sky. The frosty windows creak, and a chill runs over my arms as the wind howls outside. I touch my toes to the hardwood. I see the deep hole my mind wants to crawl into, and every part of me is fighting to stay out of it. The bottom of my foot touches the floor, and I stand up and walk to the closet. I slip my boots on and a coat over my nightgown. A scarf mindlessly goes around my neck, and without much thought, I walk down the stairs and out the front door.
*
Cash
My eyes blink open, and I run a hand over my face. I reach over and feel that the bed is empty. Looking to the clock, I see it’s almost three in the morning. “Sara.”
She doesn’t answer, and I get up. After I check the bathroom and see she isn’t there, I run down the stairs and look in the kitchen. “Sara,” I call out into the house. Panic is a sudden form of fear or anxiety, but this in my chest is worse when I see the door is unlocked. I slip my boots on and grab my coat. Zipping it up, I open the door and heavy snow and painfully cold wind greet me. “Sar
a!” I look out into the yard. It’s dark, so I run back inside and grab my flashlight. I turn it on and point it to the ground, searching for her tracks. Moving it back and forth, I see them and quickly follow. My feet move as quickly as they can, but it’s hard to see with the snow blowing around me. My pajamas are soaked at the bottom, and the wetness is crawling up my legs, making my teeth chatter. I point the flashlight toward the old tree in the field and see her.
She’s walking under it where the snow isn’t so thick. My heart falls at the sight of her out here. The snow blows around her. Her arms are crossed, and she mindlessly wanders. What can she be thinking? What is going on in her mind? I take off running toward her. I run as fast as I can until I’m close enough to scoop her up into my arms. “Baby.”
She stills in my arms, and her body shakes from tears I don’t have to see to know are falling. I turn her around and look at her face. Her nose and cheeks are rosy red. I cradle her against my chest and walk back, trying to keep her warm and not fall at the same time. Once I’m at the door, I kick it open and put her down on the couch.
Quickly, I take some logs and toss them into the fireplace. Lighting it as fast as I can, I grab some pillows off the couch and put them in front of it. Taking my coat off, I walk over to a spaced-out Sara and remove her boots and then her coat. She looks ahead, not seeming to be focused on anything, but everything at once. I can tell her mind is racing, and she can’t keep up with its speed. “Come down here, baby. I’ve got to get you warm.” She lets me pull her down to the floor, and I sit behind her on the pillows, wrapping my arms around her waist and holding her tight. I kiss the top of her hair and rest my chin on her head as I look at the flames in the fireplace. The wood crackles, and my heart won’t stop pounding.
“I’m a burning house,” she murmurs.
“What, Sara?” I ask.
“I’m a burning house, and you’re stuck inside. Soon I won’t be anything but ash, and I’m going to take you right down with me,” she cries. This time I can’t find the words to comfort her because they are stuck in my throat along with tears I won’t let fall.
Chasing Fireflies Page 12