Chasing Fireflies

by Paige P. Horne

  “She wanted me to check in.”

  “Why didn’t she come then?”

  “I didn’t tell her I was coming.”

  I nod. “You haven’t changed. Still keeping things from her. You still messing around?”

  “Son, I didn’t come all this way to fight with you.”

  “I don’t know why you came at all.”

  Bear runs back up on the porch with the ball in his mouth. He drops it, and I scoop it up, tossing it back into the darkness.

  “How’s she doing? I saw the scar on her wrist.”

  I look over at him. “She has her good days along with the bad.”

  “I told you, you would have to worry about this. One day she won’t survive it, and then what’s to become of you?”

  “Don’t you worry about that, and don’t go killing my wife off just so you can get some kind of sick pleasure on being right.”

  “You think that would make me happy? To see you hurt and her gone?”

  “Yes. You never wanted there to be a her and me anyway.”

  “I wanted better for you—yes, I did. Just like every parent wants for their child. She has problems, son. Ones you can’t control.”

  “Like I said, we’re doing fine.”

  Bear walks back up on the porch, and I go to the door.

  “Have a safe trip home. I’ll tell Sara you had to be on your way. Come on, Bear.”

  *

  Later that night, a heavy rain falls, and lightning lights up the sky. I toss and turn in our bed until I feel tiny drops of water on my face. “Cash,” Sara says. “I think the roof is leaking.” More drops land on my face, and I sit up.

  “Shit. Get up.” I throw the covers off and step into a puddle of water. “Son of a bitch, there’s water everywhere.”

  “I’ll go grab some pots,” Sara says. I move the bed under a spot that isn’t dripping, and I sit down as Sara finds places to put the pots. “There are at least five spots.”

  “Yeah,” I say, sighing.

  “We’re going to need a new roof.”

  “Yeah.” I run a hand down my face.

  “How can we afford a new roof?” she asks, getting back into bed.

  “I’m going to have to get a loan. Don’t stress over it. I’ll figure it out.”

  “You’re stressed. I can tell. If you stress, I stress,” Sara says as she wraps her arms around me. She kisses my neck, and I pull her on top of me. My hands move up her thighs, sliding her nightgown up her hips. I harden beneath her, moving one hand up to her breast and feeling its fullness. My other hand goes to her center, noticing she has no panties on. Thunder booms loud, rattling our windows, and I hear Bear move around at the bottom of our bed. Sara leans toward me and kisses my lips as I pull myself out and lift her up. She moans as she settles and slowly sinks down. Water drips into the pots surrounding our room, and the wind beats against the old boards of the house. I lift up as Sara goes down, and I grip onto her hips. Her head falls back, and when the lightning flashes, I can see her pretty face and the pleasure I’m giving her. I grab her hands, and she uses mine to help lift herself up. My body grows hot, and sweat forms on my brow. She lets go of my hands and removes her nightgown, showing me her gorgeous body. She’s been eating more, and she’s grown thicker. I love it, and I can’t keep my hands off her. I reach up and grab her breasts, and she sighs as her nipples harden beneath my fingertips. I lean up, running my fingers up her back, taking her nipple into my mouth. She cries out as she comes. I grip her shoulders, pounding upward, feeling my abs ache and tingles running up my spine as I groan out my release.

  “Fucking hell, crazy heart.”

  “Cash, that was amazing.” Sara lies down beside me, and I pull her close, as the storm keeps raging outside. Sometime later, her breathing evens out, but I’m wide-awake thinking how in the hell am I going to get this roof fixed. If I can’t get a loan, I’m going to have to ask my dad. Son of a bitch.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Cash

  With sweaty palms and shaky nerves, I sit across from the guy who will decide my future. He lifts his hand to his face and slides his glasses up the shaft of his nose with his middle finger after he looks up from the papers on his desk. They tell him how much I make a year and everything else he could possibly need to give me an answer. You know, my blood type, that kind of thing. I rub my hands over my jeans and take a look around me. Nodding to a few folks I know in the town, I look back at the man with the glasses as he clears his throat and removes the small frames from his face.

  “I’m sorry, son. Your credit just isn’t great, and with that house loan you’ve got here,” he says, tapping his fancy pen onto the computer screen in front of him, “there just isn’t anything we can do for you.”

  I lift my hat and run a hand through my hair. “Yeah, that’s what they all tell me.” I stand up, grab my papers, and put my hat back on.

  “Check back in with us. Work on some things and then come back in here.”

  “I need this now or my roof is going to fall in.” I turn away from him and walk out of the bank to get back into my truck. I toss the papers onto the seat, then crank the engine. Apparently, the idea of getting a bunch of credit cards when I was younger and not exactly paying them all has come back to bite me in the ass. We could ask Sara’s parents, but that is just as good of an idea as asking mine. I make my way home, thinking I need to go ahead and give my balls away. I’ll ask my dad for the money.

  *

  “There isn’t anything else we can do?” Sara asks. We’re seated at our supper table full of cube steak, gravy, and mashed potatoes. I take a sip of my beer and sigh.

  “No, this is it. It’s either I ask my dad or the next storm is going to cave our roof in.”

  “I know this is going to be hard for you, baby,” she says, taking her feet off my lap and standing up. Bear’s ears stand as she grabs her dish from the table. She kisses my head as she reaches over to grab my plate.

  “That’s an understatement. This is going to be hell. And he may not even give it to us.” I take my hat off the table and put it on my head. “I’m pretty sure actually that he won’t, but I have to ask him.”

  “I’ll ask mine,” she says, turning the water on.

  “No, I can’t deal with your mom’s nagging. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. I get it,” she says, turning the water off and reaching for the dishtowel. She grabs the pots from the stove and scrapes the scraps into Bear’s food bowl. He hops up and goes to check it out. I stand up and push my chair under the table, looking down at my dog as he gobbles his dinner. Sara walks over to me and wraps her arms around my waist. I lean down and kiss her neck as I snake my hands up the back of her T-shirt.

  “It’s all going to work out,” I tell her.

  “Sometimes I’m not so sure,” she replies.

  “Hey.” I put my finger under her chin. “Don’t think that way. We have each other. We’ll be fine.” She gives me a small smile, and I kiss her nose before I look over and see Bear is finished eating. “I’m going to take Bear for a walk.”

  She lets me go and walks back over to the sink.

  “I’ll be in the bath when you get back. I’m feeling achy today.”

  “Coming down with something?” I ask.

  “No, just one of those days,” she says more to herself.

  I sigh. “Okay, we’ll be back. Come on, boy.” I push the screen door open and step out onto the porch. Sliding my hands into my pockets, I walk down the steps with Bear beside me. The evening sky shows the moon even though it’s not completely dark out yet. “They say only a lazy man can see the moon when it’s daylight, boy.” He looks up at me. “You think I’m lazy?” I ask, patting his head. He sneezes, and I laugh. “Come on. Let’s walk this food off.”

  *

  It’s the crack of dawn when I pull up to the house I grew up in. Even still, I know Mama is in there cooking breakfast and the coffee is ready. I take a deep breath and open th
e truck door. My boots sound heavy as I climb the steps I used to run down as a kid. I sigh as my knuckles tap on the door. A few minutes later, it opens and Mama is looking back at me. It’s been too long since I’ve seen her. Her brown eyes have aged, and she shows more strands of gray throughout her once dark brown hair, but it’s Mama.

  “Cash?” she questions.

  “Hey, Mama.”

  She opens the door. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, just in the neighborhood. Thought I’d stop by.”

  “Son, I might be a lot of things, but I’m not stupid. I know you were not just in the neighborhood at six in the morning. Come in,” she says, moving so I can step by. I smell coffee, and I hear bacon sizzling in the frying pan. “Come on in the kitchen and have some breakfast. How’s Sara doing?”

  “Sara’s fine, Mama.”

  “Have a seat. What have you been doing with yourself? You don’t call. You don’t come visit. You know I’ve been worried sick. I even asked your father to go check on y’all. He’s a stubborn ass, though. Never does what I ask him.”

  I see he hasn’t told her he came to visit.

  “Been busy. Just trying to get in a routine.”

  “A routine? For six years?” she says sternly. “Here, have some coffee.” She hands me a cup, eyeballing me as she does. I set it down on the table, looking at the steam floating up from the cup. She stands by the stove, and I can feel her looking me over.

  “Mama, I’m sorry. I just couldn’t get over the fact you and Dad didn’t come to our wedding.”

  “I came,” she says, causing me to look up.

  “You came?” I ask, surprised.

  “Yes, I couldn’t miss my son’s wedding even if I didn’t approve. So I came and stood outside the door.”

  “Why don’t you approve? You know how much Sara means to me.”

  She sighs and takes a seat down beside me. “I know you love her. A parent can’t help but want the best for their child, though. We all lived in the same town, Cash. The stories we heard about Sara growing up—she was troubled and wild. Unstable. Her own parents even had problems controlling her.” She gets up and goes to flip the bacon. “I see how much you love her, and I see now that we were wrong for being the way we were. I’m sorry. We were being judgmental, and we’ve wasted so many years.” Her voice breaks, and I see her shoulders shake as she puts the fork down. I get up and walk over to her.

  “It’s in the past, Mom. Please don’t cry.”

  “I’m just so sorry. So much time has passed. Six years I haven’t seen my son.”

  I turn her around and wrap her in my arms. She hugs me back tight, and I feel like I haven’t been away from her for six years. I feel like it’s only been a few minutes, and I’m a boy again as I look around her kitchen. The kitchen she used to bake cookies for me in, the kitchen I’d have my after-school snack in, and the table I used to do my homework on. The room I told them I was going to marry Sara in, the countertop she placed me up on so many times after I had a wreck on my bike as she doctored me up. So many childhood memories in this house.

  “I’m here now, Mom.” I hear footsteps and look toward the living room when my dad walks in. He’s dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt. His eyes land on us, and he gets a crease between his brows.

  “Come to say you’re sorry?” he asks, walking on in. Mama pulls away from me and wipes her eyes.

  “Please don’t start,” she says. “Do you want some coffee?”

  “I’ll get it,” he replies. I watch him fill his cup and put two spoons of sugar in it before he takes it to the table and sets it down. Mama smiles up at me and turns back to the stove. He walks by us and outside to get the paper I know is there. I inhale a small breath and walk over to the table while Mama finishes breakfast. Waiting for him to walk back inside, I take a sip out of my cup and look down at the table. I’ve got to get this out. He can either say yes or no.

  “You seem like something is on your mind,” Dad says. He walked back inside, and I didn’t even hear him. I swallow before I go to speak.

  “Dad,” I begin before I lean back and lift my hat off. “I know we don’t see eye to eye on things, but I’m asking you to put our differences aside for a minute.”

  He opens his paper and eyeballs me, eyes narrowed and lips in a straight line. “Okay,” he finally says. “What do you need?”

  “Jackson, who says the boy needs something?”

  “Ruthie, he didn’t come all this way for his health.”

  I look between him and her as he lays his paper down and his eyes lock on me.

  “I need to borrow some money.” He leans back and turns his head sideways, ready to speak, but I stop him. “Now, before you say no, I’ll pay you back in payments and have you fully paid off within two years.” I look over at Mama who flips the stove off.

  “My roof is about to cave in. We had a bad storm, and now we’ve got about five good leaks in our bedroom and a few in the other rooms in the house. I’ve gone to the banks, but they can’t give me a loan because of the house loan I already have, and my credit isn’t exactly great.”

  Dad makes a grunting sound, like he isn’t surprised to hear this. It pisses me off, but I swallow any feelings I have because I need this too bad to let my pride get in the way. He picks up his coffee and looks down at his paper as he takes a sip. I sit with a pounding heart and a knot in my stomach. If he doesn’t give me this, I’ll have to go to Sara’s parents. God knows I’d rather crawl through a snake pit than hear Debbie’s mouth.

  “How much?” he finally asks as he puts his cup down. I’m shocked as hell.

  “What?” I ask.

  “How much? You didn’t tell us a price. How will we consider it if we don’t know what it is we are considering?”

  I nod and tell him the price I got from the roofer.

  “We don’t have it,” he blurts out with no thought at all.

  “Now, Jackson—”

  “We don’t have it, Ruthie,” he interrupts her. She clamps her mouth shut.

  “I’m sorry, son. I told you when shit hit the fan, not to come crawling to me. Seems you got yourself in a bind, just like I thought you would, and I can’t get you out.”

  I know he’s lying. I know he has the money. My dad has always been a tight ass, but that’s why he has money. That’s why the bank gave me a house loan, just because they knew I was Jackson Williams’ kid.

  “Sorry you wasted your trip,” he then says before he flips his page and straightens out his paper. Mama sets breakfast down in front of me. I stare down at it as she squeezes my shoulder and walks away. I’m not even a tiny bit hungry, but I eat it out of respect for her. Dad eats, too, and we sit in silence until we’re finished. He gets up from the table. “Have a safe ride home,” he says before he walks into the living room. I grab my hat and place it back on my head. Picking my dishes up, I put them into the sink and go to kiss Mama bye.

  “I’ll call more. I’m sorry it’s been so long,” I tell her.

  She grabs me and hugs me tight before kissing my cheek. Her hand touches mine, and I feel paper. My eyes narrow in confusion, and she shakes her head and looks toward the living room. I tilt my head and look down at my hand. It’s a check for a little more than I need.

  “Thank you,” I say quietly. She nods and goes to walk me to the door. She steps out with me and takes a breath after she shuts the door behind us.

  “Your father has a lot of secrets,” she says as she slides her small hands into her apron pockets. I look down at the scar on her forearm from cooking fried chicken when she was a little girl. She told me about it one day after school. She said her mama was never home, so she had to learn to cook for herself. She knocked the skillet off the stove, and hot grease landed on her arm. Her voice causes me to look back up. “But I have secrets, too. You don’t live with a man like that and not stash away some money just in case. He’s a good man deep down, and I love him. I know he loves you and me. He just has a shitty way of sho
wing it.” She kind of laughs.

  “We used to get along. I don’t know what happened.” I look out into the yard and shake my head.

  “You decided to go your own way. He had a hard time with that, Cash. You’re our only child…” She shakes her head. “We tried to make a good life for you. I don’t know where we failed.”

  “Why do you think you failed?” I ask.

  “Because you took off and never looked back.”

  “That had nothing to do with you or Dad. I needed to make my own way. I didn’t want to be his shadow, and you said it yourself. Sara had a reputation here. We both needed a new start, away from here.”

  “Well, you did it,” she says, looking away from me. I see her sigh, and I look at her face when she turns back. She gives me a small smile, causing wrinkles to appear beside her eyes. “Are you happy?” she asks me.

  “I am.”

  She nods. “You take that money. Get your roof fixed and whatever else you need, but you make sure you call me and come visit. Bring Sara, too.”

  “Yes, ma’am. I can’t thank you enough.”

  “I’m glad I was able to help. Take care, baby boy.”

  I give her another hug and head to my truck. Getting in, I turn back to look at her before I take off. She waves, and I lift my hand as I head back home with good news.

  *

  The workers get here at five a.m. every morning, waking Sara, Bear, and me. We’re getting a brand new red tin roof, and the heat in the truck is getting fixed, too.

  “Come on, Bear. Let’s go for our morning run,” I say, tying my shoes and standing. I kiss Sara’s forehead. “We’ll be back.” She smiles and pats Bear’s head before we take off outside.

  “Morning, deputy.” I hear as I come down the steps and look up.

  “Morning. You boys need anything, you just ask Sara.” I pick up my steps and start my run down our old road. It’s peaceful this time of morning, but hell, it’s peaceful here period. I get into a good stride with Bear running alongside me. My thoughts run, too, and I think about my mama and the money she let me borrow. I can’t believe she had that much stashed away, and I bet she has more after all these years. I’m glad. My dad’s a hard ass. She needs to protect herself, and it looks like she has. All those times she cried over him when I was younger—I always felt sorry for my mom and wished better for her. Now I see she has choices, and she isn’t as stuck as I thought she once was.