“Me, too, Cash.” We both look when a car pulls into the driveway. Banner jumps out and runs over as Maci stands.
“What the fuck happened?” he asks her. “Are you okay? Did he hurt you?” He grabs her arms and looks over her face.
“I’m fine, baby.”
“Cash, thanks so much, man. I don’t know what I would have done if…” he doesn’t finish his sentence. I stand and shake his hand before I pat Maci on the back.
“I’m gonna go. I’ll talk to you two later. Take her to the doctor if she starts having any trouble from the smoke, Banner.”
“Thanks,” Maci says as I put my hat back on and make my way to the truck. I get in and see Banner with his arms around Maci. I’m glad she has him.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
A Few Months Later
Sara
I watch as tiny dew droplets slide down the grass blade in front of me, like a teardrop falling down someone’s face. My body aches, and I roll over and look up at the sky. I’m all over the place again. My mind runs in circles, tiring my body out, but not shutting down long enough for me to sleep. The days and nights all feel the same. I’ve felt like this before. My daughter is at school now. She started a few weeks ago, and I now have too much time on my hands. Cash is busy, but I keep him busier with my shifting moods and sudden outbursts. I think he would be better off without me. I would like to shut down and not feel like this anymore. An airplane flies over me, and I lift my finger and close one eye, covering the silver speck in the sky, thinking we are all just tiny specks.
*
It’s two in the morning, and I know this because I stare at the clock beside our bed. I’ve watched it since it was ten. Cash sleeps beside me, and I roll over and look at his handsome face. I love him so much—him and Little Miss, but these thoughts I’m having are going to take me away.
*
I crawl into bed with Ellie and breathe her in. Her sweet smell gives me comfort. I kiss her dark hair and scoot down so I can see her face. She’s beautiful. The most beautiful thing I’ve ever done, and I know she will be an amazing woman. She’s smart and witty. Her presence alone lights up a dark room.
It’s five a.m. now, so I get up because she will be waking in a few hours to get ready for school. I kiss her one more time and climb out of bed. Bear lifts his head, and I lean down and pet him. “You watch after her always,” I say. “Always, always.”
*
I sit on the porch swing watching as the sun makes its first appearance, brightly declaring a new day. I rest my chin on my knee and look over when I hear the front door open.
“Hey, baby,” Cash says as he leans down and touches his toes.
“Hey.”
“You okay? Did you sleep?” he asks me.
“Yeah, a little,” I lie so he won’t worry. I’m so tired of making him worry. He walks over and leans down. Taking my face, he kisses my lips. I close my eyes and savor his touch. Tears build up behind my eyes. He lets go, and it was too quick.
“Love you. I’ll be back.”
“Love you, too,” I say as he jogs off the porch. The tears fall down my cheeks, just like the dew that slid down the grass blade, and I sniff and wipe my eyes before I go in to get Little Miss ready. I climb the steps with no energy, and once I make it to the top, I sigh and stop for a minute, looking down into our living room. The old broken house we turned into a beautiful home. A home full of memories and struggles, happy times and sad ones.
Love.
Love is what makes a house a home. But hope is what makes life worth living, and I’ve lost any that I may have had. I run a hand through my hair and walk into Ellie’s room.
“Little Miss,” I say quietly. “Come on, sweet girl. It’s time to get up.”
She rolls over and blinks her eyes open. “Can I stay home with you today?” she asks me. “We can sleep.”
I smile. “You have to go learn something new. Come on. Up, up,” I tell her as I walk over to her closet. “Dress or pants today?”
“Pants every day, Mommy.”
“You don’t like your dresses?”
“Not really. I can’t crawl good in them. My knees get all scruffy.”
“Well, we don’t want that.” I smile a little before getting her outfit and helping her in it. “Raise your arms,” I tell her. She does, and I take her pajamas off and slide her shirt over her head. I kiss her nose once her shirt is on. She reaches up and rubs my cheek, surprising me.
“I look like you, Mommy?” she asks.
“I think so.”
“Good,” she says before she stands and we put her jeans on.
*
I’m kissed goodbye, and I watch as my family walks out the door, leaving Bear and me alone. They wave with happy smiles, and I walk out onto the porch and take a seat on the step. Bear sits beside me and rests his head on my lap. I pet him and mindlessly stare out at the yard, not thinking about anything in particular and everything at the same time. I lean my head against the porch rail and close my eyes. Over time, we will be nothing but dust. Forgotten as the wind tosses us about. We will forever fly, but forever be no more.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Cash
The bell dings above me as I walk out of the office door and grab my keys out of my pocket. I turn around and lock up for the night, looking up at the sky as I do. It’s dark for this time of day, and I feel like a storm is coming. Leigh called me earlier and said she was going to grab Little Miss from school. She has a few dogs she needs help with and she wants to spend some time with Ellie. So I climb into my truck and head to Billy’s Barbeque to pick up dinner.
I’m walking out when I hear the ambulance coming through town and I wonder what could have happened now. I jog to my truck and jump inside, setting the food down in the passenger seat. My radio goes off, and I hear my address and the police code 10-56. My hands shake as I grab my keys and shove them into the ignition, yanking the gear shifter in drive and turning my emergency lights on. My tires spin, and I leave smoke behind me. I don’t stop once.
The ambulance is already there when I pull up, but the medics are just now opening their doors. I jump out and run toward the house, seeing Debbie’s car parked and Walter standing at the door. I look at him as he steps in front of me.
“Cash.”
“Move,” I say as my voice breaks.
“Son, you…”
“I said fucking move.” I shove him out of the way and rush past him, taking the stairs two at a time. I pass Bear who has his head resting on his paws. He’s whimpering. Debbie sits on our bed, gripping the comforter under her hands and staring straight ahead. I swallow and turn to see the bathroom door cracked with claw marks at the bottom. I push it open more and see the blood first. My knees buckle from under me, and I hit the floor. Crawling over to her, I reach for her and press her pale face into my chest. I look down and see her arm, so I grab her blood-covered wrist and hold on to it, trying to keep the blood from pouring out. The sound that leaves my throat is unrecognizable, and the pain that slices through my heart makes me question if it’s still whole. I rock her and kiss her soft curls.
“You promised, baby. You promised,” I cry as the medics come inside and pull me away from her. I rock as though she is still in my arms. I cry, I rock, and I die inside.
*
Chaos and machines with loud beeping surround me. People rush past me, and questions are thrown at me from everywhere. “I don’t know,” is all I can say, because I don’t. I never knew. It was a battle I was never a part of. It was all Sara.
“We’re losing her.” I hear and the beeping stops, turning into one long sound. “Time of death.” I look over at the doctor as he announces it and I rush out of there, running as fast as I can until I burst through the doors. I lean over and throw up, hurling toward the ground and holding myself up by my hand on the wall.
“I told you!” I hear from behind me. I shut my eyes and stay put. “I told you she would do this! You didn’t watc
h her! You were never there,” Debbie cries, and my shoulders shake. She walks over to me, and I falter sideways when she shoves me. “You were never there!” she screams and starts hitting me. I let her because I need to feel something else besides this pain that’s ripping me inside. She screams more and cries harder, hitting my back, shoulders, and slapping my neck and face until I finally grab her and put my arms around her tightly. She stops fighting and wraps her arms around me, too, grabbing the back of my shirt. She cries, her whole body shaking. I see Walter sitting on a bench with his head down. Tears fall from my face as I hold on to my heart’s mother like she is keeping my feet on the ground.
Chapter Thirty
I lift my head off of the steering wheel and look out my windshield. My mind is foggy, and I can’t seem to wrap my brain around reality. Rain falls heavy outside and beats against the old truck’s metal roof. We’ve lived in this town for eight years now, and somehow it doesn’t feel like home anymore. I wipe my eyes and open Old Blue’s door. I’d like to say I’ve never been here before, but that’s a lie I can’t tell. I step out onto ground I’ve stepped onto more times than I can count, but for better reasons. I’m losing my mind, and I’ve lost my crazy heart. The rain soaks me, but like the inside, my outside is numb, too. Music flows through the opened door of the small-town bar, and like a zombie, I walk inside. Sweet guitar strings are strummed, but all I hear is the ringing in my ears. I take a seat on the barstool as Banner walks over.
“Heavy rain tonight,” he says, sliding a napkin in front of me. I look at the napkin and then up at his face.
“Jack––straight up.”
He narrows his eyes, but doesn’t question me. I watch him as he reaches up to grab a shot glass. Looking down at my hands, I run a finger over the dried blood that covers my palm. Water drops from the tip of my baseball hat, and my eyes shut for a brief moment. Memories flood my mind––blonde curls and baby blue eyes. Painful moments and a lifetime of struggles, but I’d do it all again. I open my eyes and grab the glass in front of me. I toss back the burning liquid and try not to choke on the sadness that threatens to take my life away.
I put the glass down and look up when Banner asks, “Another?” I nod and my hand shakes as I bring it to my greedy mouth. “You okay, Cash? Can I get you anything else?” His concern slips between his lips, and my whole body starts to shake. I look up from my shot glass.
“Stolen time,” I whisper as my eyes cast downward, and my heart falters. I lift the bottle from the bar and toss some bills onto the countertop. I hear Banner say something, but I don’t know what it is nor do I care. I tip the bottle upside down and walk out of the bar, letting the rain drown me and praying the liquor will do just that.
*
There’s an empty bottle beside my bed. I grab her pillow and hold on to it, scared to cry because I don’t want to cover her smell. My eyes close, and I dream of a girl jumping off a bridge. She doesn’t land in the water this time, though. She soars. Her arms are spread wide, and she smiles at me. My crazy heart.
*
“Baby,” she whispers as I come out of my drunken sleep. I wake, but I’m the only one here. Rolling over, I cast my eyes to the ceiling as my chest quivers, and I sob like a small child.
*
Standing far away from the funeral Debbie planned, I hear the words the preacher says, and I direct my sight on my little girl holding Leigh’s hand. I grip on to the bottle and tip it up before walking away.
*
Rolling off the couch, I fall onto the floor and look up at the ceiling fan going round and round.
“Daddy.” I hear and look over to see Ellie.
“Are you okay?” she asks. Concern slips from her little lips and that makes me hurt more.
“No, baby. Daddy isn’t okay.” Sadness falls down her cheeks, and I sit up and hold my arms out for her to come to me. She does, and I grip her tight as we both cry.
*
Days go by and soon weeks do, too. I’m a wreck, but I pretend to be okay. I drink every night so I can fall asleep, and I’m a robot around my daughter who needs me to be strong. I can’t, though. I’m emptier than I once was, and more bitter than I’ve ever been. I’m broken beyond repair. I fool strangers, but my family and close friends know better.
I walk into work with whiskey on my breath. Anne calls me out.
“Go home, Cash. Get better for your daughter. For yourself, for Christ’s sake. Don’t you know I feel it, too? Don’t you know I’ve been where you are?”
“Anne, the love of your life didn’t choose to leave you. Mine did,” I spit. After shoving the door to the office open, I reach back and snatch that fucking bell off, tossing it into the rear of my truck and hauling ass to Banner’s. He serves me one drink and then tells me he’ll drive me home. I argue, but he doesn’t listen. I throw a punch, hitting him right in the nose. He pushes me down; I get up and walk out. While I sit in my truck, tears fall down my face as I look at my cracked knuckles.
*
I forget to pick up Little Miss from school, and Leigh stops by. She knocks on the door, and when I open it, she shoves past me.
“Hell, Cash, this house smells horrible. When’s the last time you cleaned? Shit, when’s the last time you showered?” she asks me.
I sit down on the couch and grab last night’s leftover beer from the coffee table. Making a face as the hot liquid goes down, I toss the bottle back onto the table and it bounces off, hitting the floor and rolling to the wall.
“You can’t continue like this, Cash. Do you even realize you forgot to pick up Ellie?”
I groan and rub the hair on my jaw. “I fucking know, I’ll go get her.” Standing on two feet, I lose my balance, and trip over the blanket from the couch that is on the floor. I fall on my face and stay there.
“I’ve already picked her up. She’s going to stay with us for a little while. I’m getting her things.”
I push myself up off the floor. “She is not, and you are not. Ellie needs to be home with me, her father,” I say, standing upright and picking the blanket up off the floor.
“Oh, really? You mean the one who stays drunk all the time and forgets to pick her up from school? That father? You’re a mess, Cash.” The disgusted expression on her face doesn’t go unnoticed, but I don’t give a shit what my wife’s best friend thinks. I don’t give a shit what any of them think.
“Look, I get it. It was a hard blow for you losing Sara like that. We all loved her, but it’s been months now. You have to get your shit together, or you’re going to lose that little girl, too!”
“What do you mean lose her?” I ask, tossing the blanket onto the couch.
“I mean someone besides me,” she says, lifting her arm and pointing down at herself. “And the rest of your close friends and family are going to notice your downward spiral, and then they are going to call child services. Do you want that to happen?” I don’t say anything because the thought of that closes my throat. “I’m getting some of her things. She’ll stay with us for a few nights. Clean this goddamn house and take a shower.”
*
I sit on my knees at the end of our bed, grabbing a fistful of the sheets with one hand while the other holds my gun. Putting my head down, I sob like a little boy. I drop the gun and replace it with the bottle on the floor, drinking the last bit then standing up. I wobble, and my vision is blurry. I trip over Bear, and everything goes black as my head hits the floor.
*
I wake with Bear licking my face and nudging me with his nose. It’s dark out, and I roll over, wincing at the insane amount of pain coming from my head. I stay still, trying to focus, and breathe before I sit all the way up. My eyes land on the clock. It’s earlier than it was when I started drinking that bottle. I realize then I’ve been knocked out all night and half a day. Bear puts his paw on my leg, and I feel so bad. “Poor guy, you probably have to use the bathroom.” Hell, between Sara and me, he’s gonna go off the deep end, too. I hold on to the wall as I pu
sh myself up, grabbing my head and wincing again from the throbbing pain.
“Come on, boy. Let’s go,” I say, walking slowly. I make it down the stairs, kicking a few empty beer bottles along the way. I walk to the door, and Bear runs out eagerly. Looking around, I see how our once beautiful home now looks like a trash dump, full of beer and whiskey bottles, half-eaten pizza boxes, and takeout cups. I don’t even remember the last time I ate a real meal. I used to cook all the time. But now, I live like this.
Bear walks back inside and goes to the box of pizza, sniffing it and looking back at me. “Have at it, boy.” He turns back and grabs the pizza out of the box. Holding it down with his front paw, he rips the top layer off with his teeth. He looks at me as he swallows. “The pepperoni and cheese is my favorite, too,” I say, taking a seat on the couch. I sigh and look at the picture we had framed of us three on Ellie’s birthday.
I look at Sara and shake my head. “What happened, baby? Why did you leave me?” I can’t help the tears that spill out, and I inhale a deep breath as Bear comes over and nudges my arm. “You know the sad thing, Bear? I’m jealous that she’s the one gone, and she doesn’t have to feel all this pain she’s left me with.” I pet his head as he licks my arm, then run my hand over my face. “Ahh,” I call out. “I’ve got to keep going, and I’ve got to stop with all these damn tears.” I sniff and stand up. “First things first, Bear. We’ve got to clean this place up so we can bring our girl home.” He barks, and I start picking up the beer bottles.
*
Two hours later, all the trash has been picked up, and the floors have been swept and mopped. The kitchen has been cleaned and the clothes and bed sheets washed. I even took down the curtains and washed them, letting them air dry like Sara always did. The ache in my chest is still there, and everything in this house reminds me of her, but I wouldn’t change a thing. They say it all happens for a reason, even if it’s wrong. I know my wife was sad and tired of hurting. I’m glad she isn’t hurting anymore, but I miss her more than words can say. She lost her battle with bipolar depression. Some people don’t; some people can live a more normal lifestyle and their medications work. Every person is different, and I hope that one day I can maybe help someone who is suffering like she was and they have a happier ending. But for now, I’m going to go grab a shower, trim my beard, and go get my Little Miss.
Chasing Fireflies Page 22