by Trudy Stiles
“What can I do?” Garrett asks helplessly.
“Can you fix him a bottle?”
“Yes,” he says and takes off into the kitchen. Kai continues to wail and throws his head back violently.
“Hey. Shhh,” I whisper against his temple, kissing him gently. I begin to hum and cradle the back of his head, gently pushing him against my shoulder. Garrett is back within a few minutes and I sit down in the recliner.
“Here.” Garrett hands me the bottle and I shift Kai into a comfortable feeding position. As soon as I put the bottle to his lips, he takes it and begins to eat. But within seconds, he’s screaming and arching his back again. My heart is breaking for him, and Garrett kneels down on the floor beside us. His hand replaces mine on the back of Kai’s head, and he slowly massages his scalp.
Garrett looks like he’s being sliced in two by his son’s cries. His brows are furrowed and he’s stiff and tense. Worried. “Keep doing that,” I urge him. “I think that will help.” Kai’s cries slow to whimpers, and I let him calm some more before I offer the bottle again.
“How can he be so good some days and others like this?” Garrett asks softly. “I just don’t understand.” He looks into my eyes, hoping for answers.
“I don’t know,” I say. “I wish I knew.”
He nods and his hand drops to my knee. “He stopped,” he says.
I place the bottle against Kai’s lips and he begins eating, this time uninterrupted. Garrett exhales and so do I.
Garrett’s pain is tangible. I wish I could make it go away along with Kai’s pain. We’ll get there, eventually. I look down at Kai, who is now eating comfortably.
I remove the bottle and place Kai on my shoulder to burp him, which he quickly does. Garrett’s warm hand remains on my knee as I begin feeding Kai again. Garrett seems to notice his contact with me and slowly pulls his hand away. “Sorry,” he whispers and moves over to the couch. He sits there, helpless. Almost defeated.
“He’s getting better,” I encourage. “Today’s just been a really rough day. His senses seem overly heightened causing everything to bother him.”
Garrett nods slowly and I’m not sure he believes me.
Kai finishes his bottle and I’ve burped him one last time. He’s sound asleep, so I place him in his bouncy seat and strap him in. Garrett’s hand brushes mine as he covers Kai with the soft fleece blanket that was on the chair. I pull away and stand up.
“You okay?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “I know you keep telling me that it’s going to get better. Easier. But every single time I see him like this I don’t believe you. His pain needs to end. He can’t continue to live like this.”
I grab hold of his hand and squeeze. “It will end. I promise.” His eyes glisten and he bows his head.
He lets go of my hand, and I follow him into the kitchen. I dim the lights so they don’t disturb Kai’s slumber.
“Time to make pizza,” I say.
“Yeah,” he says.
I turn on the oven and place the pizza stone inside. “Look,” I say, pointing to the dough in the bowl. “The yeast did its job.” The dough has expanded, almost tripled in size.
“You seem so calm, Sam. How are you not affected by what just happened in there?” he asks, his face pained.
“It’s not easy, but I know soon his pain will be a thing of the past. Every time I lay my hands on him or hold him against me, I know that I’m doing something to help his suffering.” I pause and his eyes lock onto mine, still searching for answers. “Every day is one more day that he doesn’t have drugs coursing through his veins. The pain becomes lessened over time, and as that happens, these episodes will also begin to diminish.”
He nods and I continue, “If you remember when he first came home, he would cry like that for hours on end. There were days that went by that I swear he cried for twenty-three out of twenty-four hours. Garrett, it was really bad.” I motion toward the den. “What just happened in there was a vast improvement. And it’s only the second time today. Progress.”
He exhales but still looks drawn and worried. I desperately want to comfort him, but I know I can’t. I’m his employee. Kai’s nurse.
“Now, let’s make pizza,” I say and remove the dough from the bowl.
“Thank you,” he says weakly and touches my cheek, dropping his hand to my shoulder. “I think I believe you.”
“You have to believe, Garrett. Otherwise, you have nothing.”
Light flickers in his eyes and he quickly turns away. “I’m starving,” he says.
“Then let’s do this,” I say as I begin to roll the dough out on the counter.
We prepare the pizza together in silence. I can tell he’s lost in thought and in pain. I can’t imagine what’s going through his mind every time he sees his little boy. I know I’ve gone through fits of anger when I watch Kai suffer. How can someone knowingly do this to a child? Sadie made terrible choices. Choices that Kai is now paying for.
“You look mad,” he says, breaking our silence. We’re both seated at the kitchen island, watching the pizza cook in the oven.
I sigh. “No, just thinking.”
“About?” he urges.
“I’m trying to understand what would make someone do this to a child. I think about it every time I hold and comfort Kai. He did nothing to deserve the pain that he’s living with every day. I do feel anger, but I also pity her.”
He clenches his fists and I tense, waiting for him to take a swing at something. He tries to regulate his breathing, and I know he’s doing everything to remain calm. “I don’t want to talk about her,” he says.
The oven timer goes off, and I jump to my feet. I grab two oven mitts and remove the stone, placing it on top of the stove. “This needs to cool off a little,” I say and turn to him.
“Sorry,” he says. “I didn’t mean to jump down your throat. It’s just… I can’t feel anything for Sadie but contempt and anger. So let’s just leave it alone, okay?”
I nod. “When you’re ready to put aside your anger, you’ll be surprised what your heart will find.” He looks at me, surprised. “Your son is a gift.”
He drops his shoulders and inhales deeply. “You’re right.”
“Still hungry?” I ask and grab the pizza cutter from the drawer. He nods quickly and I serve the first few slices. Before I know it, the entire pizza is gone and both of our plates are empty. The air is lighter between us, and I’m thankful he’s relaxed a bit.
“I’ve never seen a girl eat that much pizza,” he jokes and pushes his plate away from him.
I blush and wipe my mouth with a napkin. “I love pizza.”
“We should do this more,” he says.
“Yeah?” I ask. “You mean you’re going to help cook? I think my aunt will want to know about this.”
He’s unmoved by my teasing and declares, “Every Thursday is now pizza night. And next week, you’ll have to show me how to make the dough.” He looks around the kitchen and I notice there’s flour everywhere. “You’re not exactly a neat cook.” He smirks.
“No, I’m not. But you have to admit, that was damn good pizza,” I say, very proud of myself.
“It was amazing.”
I like that we’ve connected tonight. I feel like I can help him open up more and become confident in his abilities to care for his son, even if he carries such anger and resentment toward Sadie. I know I can help him.
“Pizza Thursday,” I say. “I like the sound of that.”
Kai starts to stir in the other room, and we both jump up. Concern floods his face once again, and I touch his arm. “I’ll take care of him. He just sounds a little fussy and probably needs a diaper change.” I look around the kitchen at the mess that we made. “Why don’t you clean this up and meet me upstairs in his room in a little bit?”
“Okay,” he says reluctantly, and I walk past him to get Kai.
As I carry Kai up the stairs, I notice a new picture on the wall. It’s a close-up of Kai,
and he’s smiling huge. This picture is proof of the immense progress that we’ve made. It took months for him to smile for the first time, and Garrett captured it perfectly in this photo.
I settle into the rocking chair with him and hold him close, his breathing even and calm. I drift off to sleep with this strong little boy pressed close to my chest. Progress.
I OPEN MY EYES AND SEE a familiar form on the day-bed. Garrett’s awake and his eyes meet mine. “Hey,” I say groggily.
He blinks slowly and says, “Hey.”
“What time is it?” I ask and shift Kai gently in my arms.
“Three thirty,” he says quietly and sits up. The stiffness in my neck tells me the clock must be right. I think I dozed off around ten or eleven.
“It’s my turn,” he says as he makes his way toward me and Kai. I nod and stand up slowly so I don’t wake him.
I transfer his son into his arms as he settles himself in the chair. I stretch and feel my spine crack.
“You’ve got to stop sleeping in this chair,” he whispers as he looks down at his son. Kai is sleeping peacefully.
I crawl into the day-bed and find the warm spot that Garrett left behind. “Soon,” I say as sleep starts to take me again. “Kai’s going to get better and then you won’t need me.”
As I drift back to sleep, I hear a soft whisper.
“We’ll always need you.”
Garrett
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 27
“OH MY GOD, THAT PIZZA WAS AMAZING,” Sam says, pushing herself away from the table. It’s Pizza Thursday, our third one in a row.
“Amazing,” I say and wipe the crumbs from my mouth.
“If we keep eating like this every week, I’m going to need to buy new clothes.” She pats her flat belly and stretches. I raise my eyebrows and quickly glance at her body. There’s nothing wrong with the way she looks. In fact, she can stand to put on a few pounds. Maybe I’ll institute a Pizza Friday and Saturday.
“What are you smirking at?” she asks.
“Nothing, I was just thinking that I could seriously eat pizza every night,” I respond.
Her grin widens and she gets up to begin cleaning the kitchen. We’ve fallen into a bit of a routine and I like it. I place the dirty dishes in the dishwasher.
“Hey there.” Peggy’s voice fills the room. “It smells wonderful in here.”
“Sorry, Aunt Peggy. We ate it all. We didn’t realize you’d be stopping by.” Sam finishes washing and drying her hands.
“Oh, it’s okay,” Peggy says. “I ate about an hour ago.”
Sam turns to me. “Do you think I can get a swim in before I need to get him ready for his bath and bed?”
Before I can answer, Peggy interjects. “I’ll get him ready tonight.” She pulls a bag from the pharmacy from her purse. “I have a new bath wash I’d like to try. It’s hypoallergenic and soothing. I’m hoping it will help with his nighttime fussiness.”
“Sounds good to me,” Sam says and steps into her flip-flops. “I’m going for a quick swim. Dinner was great, Garrett.” She’s out the door and across the backyard before I know it.
Peggy lifts Kai from his bouncy seat positioned on the floor next to the table. He sat through dinner making cute baby noises while swatting at the toys hanging over his head. A rare moment for him and allowed Sam and I to eat in peace without the threat of a nuclear meltdown. He looks so content and peaceful right now and I don’t know who to thank for giving me and Sam this nice moment.
“Little dude has been having a good time tonight. I think he likes that seat,” I say.
“It’s a wonderful seat. It helps keep him in an upright position so he doesn’t have any GERD issues. It’s also restrictive, in a comfortable way. He likes to feel safe and protected, and the harness on that seat is perfect in fulfilling that need.” She unsnaps him from the seat and gently lifts him to her shoulder.
“I’m going to take him upstairs to bathe him and get him ready for his last bottle and bed. Can you let Sam know she has about an hour to herself before I’m finished?” She nods toward the pool house and heads up the stairs.
“Sure,” I say and walk outside. It’s a beautiful night. The air is crisp and cool, but I know the temperature inside the pool house is a balmy eighty-five degrees. I enter the enclosure and Sam is already doing her laps, unaware of my presence.
I slip into the dressing room and into a pair of swim trunks. When Sam makes her turn at the close end of the pool, I dive in and join her. She’s mid-stroke and lifts her head from the water briefly, then drives her arms ahead. Her strokes are powerful yet graceful. I keep pace with her as we swim thirty more laps, each one more intense than the last.
When we finally touch the wall, we emerge from the water, lungs burning, hearts pumping. Our breathing is hurried and deliberate as we try to fill our lungs with much-needed oxygen.
“Wow,” I pant. “I’ve seen you swim before, but man.” I suck in air and try to slow down my breathing. “That was intense,” I finish.
She’s breathing hard through her mouth and nose as her chest expands and contracts deeply. “I had no idea you were going to join me,” she says.
“Your aunt sent me out here to tell you she’d be done with Kai’s bath and dinner in about an hour. Then I saw you exercising and thought I should join you.” I pat my belly and say, “You know, pizza and all.”
She smirks. “Your six-pack thanks you.” Her eyes linger a little too long on my chest and abs, and she blushes.
“It’s time for my cool-down,” she says and begins to lie back in the water. “Do you want to float with me?”
I suddenly feel like I’m intruding. I know this is her private time, which she uses to decompress from her day. “I should go inside. Leave you to your… thing,” I say.
“You should try it, Garrett. You might enjoy it.” She’s on her back now, arms straight out to her sides and legs outstretched. She closes her eyes, and she allows the water to cover the majority of her body. She looks so serene. Peaceful. Beautiful.
I attempt to assume the same position, but my legs keep dropping to the floor of the pool. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but I can’t get as relaxed as she is. She senses my discomfort, mostly because I’m flailing around, and pops her head out of the water.
She reaches for my hand and lightly holds it. “The key is to relax. Let the water take your body whole. Breathe deeply and exhale slowly. Like this.” She doesn’t let go of my hand as she once again gets into her floating stance.
This time, I do as she instructs and I’m able to float. The water drowns out any external sounds and all I hear are my deep breaths mixing with hers. She releases my hand so only our fingers are touching. We drift apart and I close my eyes. I can hear my heart beating rhythmically in my chest. I’m completely relaxed.
So this is what it’s like.
I don’t know how long we float like this. My eyes remain closed and I’m practically comatose. I have no urgency to get out of the pool. No urgency to be away from her. We’re sharing something special. Almost secret. And I don’t want it to end.
I feel movement next to me, and I’m jarred from my position. “Sorry.” Her soft voice echoes throughout the room. “I didn’t mean to disturb you. I was just about to head up to the house and I wanted to make sure you knew I was leaving.”
“Do we have to go?” I ask and suddenly feel terrible for not wanting to go inside to be with my son. I’m selfish.
“No, you can stay. I have to relieve my aunt in a little while,” she says and makes her way through the pool to the stairs.
“Wait up,” I call after her. “I’ll come too.”
We dry off next to each other, and I do everything in my power not to stare at her incredible body. She’s half naked next to me and I want to throw her over my shoulder and take her into the dressing room.
“Good job keeping up with me,” she says. “I didn’t think you had it in
you.” Her teeth shine through her wide smile, and I can’t help but laugh.
“I don’t think I’ve swam that many laps ever,” I say. “As a matter of fact, it’s probably only the third or fourth time I’ve actually been in my own pool. And I’ve had it for several years.”
She looks at me incredulously. “Really?” she asks.
“Yeah,” I say, ashamed. “I can’t believe I don’t take advantage of having an indoor pool more often.”
“Well, you totally should,” she says. She looks up at the house, and from here it looks tremendous. I feel embarrassed again for the luxury around me and wish it was less over the top.
She wraps the towel around her shoulders and slips her flip-flops on. “Coming?”
“Yeah,” I say, and we step outside.
She immediately shivers and sprints to the back door. “It’s cold out here!” she calls back.
Once we’re inside, it takes her a few minutes before her shivers subside. I once again restrain myself from wrapping my body around hers to keep her warm.
“We should do that more often,” I say without thinking.
She smirks. “So Pizza Thursday and Swim Thursday?” Her grin is huge.
“Well, you said it yourself, eating pizza like that, we’re going to need to work it off somehow.”
She blushes again and shivers at the same time.
She fixes Kai’s bottles for the night and is ready to head upstairs. “I had a nice time tonight, Garrett. Thank you,” she says and walks toward the stairs.
“There’s nothing to thank me for,” I say. “I’ll be up to relieve you in a few hours. Sound good?”
She nods. “You don’t have to, you know. But I’ll never turn down a few hours of sleep in a real bed.”
My bed would be perfect.
“See you later,” I say as I watch her walk away.
A few minutes later, Peggy comes down and finds me in the kitchen. “It was nice of you to join Sam for a swim,” she says. She has a look in her eye like she knows everything that I’m thinking. It makes me uncomfortable.