by Trudy Stiles
She packs up her bag and grabs her keys. “See you tomorrow,” she says. “Make sure you leave me a list of things you need. I’ll be going shopping.”
Peggy is a gift. A Godsend. She takes care of everything I could possibly need and she brought Sam into my life. I don’t know what I’d be doing if she weren’t here. I realize I probably would have turned Kai away and made the situation disappear. I would have thrown as much money as possible at whoever could take Kai. I wouldn’t have my son, and I have Peggy to thank for that.
“Goodnight, Peggy,” I say.
I close up downstairs for the night and go up to my room. After a long, hot shower, I’m dressed in sweats and a tee-shirt.
Kai’s door at the end of the hallway is slightly ajar, and I quietly walk down the hall to his room. He and Sam are sound asleep in the rocking chair. Her hair is still partially wet and pulled into a high bun on the top of her head. It’s a mess and beautiful at the same time. Her head is tilted to the side, and Kai’s head is burrowed into her neck, just under her chin. He has a fist in his mouth that he’s sucking on, and the other is tight on her chest. Their breathing is in sync and perfect.
She looks so peaceful with my son in her arms, I can’t bring myself to wake her up. I pick up an extra blanket from the day-bed and gently drape it over the two of them, momentarily resting my hands on either side of her. I’m so close to her, I can smell the oil that she uses after she swims. Her skin smells like clean and fresh linens. She exhales deeply and her warm breath touches my face. I reluctantly pull away in fear of waking them up.
The day-bed is welcoming and familiar, and I lie down facing them both. I’ll be ready when she needs a break and when my son needs strong, protective hands to soothe him. But can I be strong for him? Can I be the father that he needs me to be?
Sam’s words from a few weeks ago ring in my head as I close my eyes.
“You have to believe, Garrett. Otherwise you have nothing.”
Sam
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 24
“WOULD YOU LIKE AN APPETIZER” the waiter asks as he refills my wine glass.
I’m about to shake my head when Richard interjects. “We’ll have the crab dip.”
The waiter nods his head and quickly walks away. I hate crab dip.
“I haven’t eaten here in so long. It’s great we’ve finally been able to go out. I’m so happy that Marcie insisted we get together. Too bad we couldn’t get together a few months ago, but I’m glad we’re out now.” He’s been talking incessantly since he picked me up thirty minutes ago. He must be nervous or can’t handle a little silence here and there. I make a mental note to punch Marcie in the face for giving Richard my number.
“Wait until you try the crab dip,” he says and reaches across the table for my hand.
I snatch it away and grab my purse. “I have to use the restroom. Excuse me.”
I pull out my phone on the way and text Cassie our emergency code.
ME: GET ME OUT OF HERE CALL MY CELL IN TEN MINUTES
She doesn’t respond right away, but she knows I’m out with him, and I’m sure she’s on high alert. It’s been months since I’ve been anywhere. “You can do this,” I say to my reflection in the mirror. “Ten more minutes and you’re done.”
What was I thinking? I should be home with Kai.
I walk back to the table and sit in my seat. The crab dip is already in between us and I want to gag.
“Here, you’ll love it.” Richard begins to scoop some dip onto my appetizer plate.
I toss my hand over it and say, “No thanks. I’m allergic.” His expression changes from joy to fear in a split second as he believes my lie.
“Oh no, I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you say something before when I ordered it?”
“It’s okay, the salad that’s coming will be just fine as an appetizer for me. Now all of the crab dip can be for you.” I feign a smile and wish I were back at Garrett’s house, floating in his pool.
Peggy is at the house tonight with Kai and Garrett wasn’t home when I left. I’m glad he wasn’t there because I didn’t want him to see me leave on this ‘date.’ I promised Marcie I would go, and I just want it to be over. I also don’t want Garrett to think anything serious is going on with Richard. In fact, there’s nothing going on with me and Richard. This isn’t even a date, really. More like a favor for a friend.
I just want to get home and pretend I never agreed to this outing tonight. Things have been really good lately, and Garrett has been doing great with Kai. Sure, there’s been a few ups and downs, but he’s been so attentive and not as nervous around him as he had been.
I look up and see that Richard is shoveling the dip into his mouth and making horrid noises while he does it. I take a sip of cold water to keep my gag reflex at bay. C’mon Cassie. Call, Goddammit.
“Marcie never mentioned you have a brother,” Richard says, catching me off guard. Did Marcie set him up with the wrong person?
“I don’t,” I state, and his expression changes again. This time he looks utterly confused.
“No? He answered your phone the very first time I tried calling you a while back.”
“You must not have called the right number, because I assure you, I don’t have a brother.” I glance down at my phone, willing it to ring.
“Well, then some other guy answered it. He may not be your brother, but he confirmed it was your phone.”
What the hell?
My cell phone vibrates loudly on the table, and I see Cassie’s name pop up. “It’s my aunt. She wouldn’t call me if it wasn’t important. She’s knows I’m on a date. I’m sorry, but I have to take this.”
“Hello?” I say, feigning worry.
“You’re a terrible mean person. Do you know that?” Cassie scolds me.
“Hey, Aunt Peggy. Is everything okay?” My voice becomes uncharacteristically high, and the lie begins to flow too easily.
“I can’t believe you’re ditching another date. Can’t you at least make it to the main course? You know, I almost didn’t call you back. I almost ignored your text. But I love you too much to do that to you.” I want to smile, but I bite my lip to stop myself.
“Really? He usually doesn’t have a problem with that kind of formula.” I continue the ruse, and I hear Cassie sigh loudly through the phone.
“Seriously, Sam. This is the last time I’m doing this. Marcie thought you’d really like this guy. He’s her cousin and she swears he’s the perfect catch.”
That explains a lot. Marcie isn’t exactly a social butterfly. She’s nice and all but is very socially awkward. I look up at Richard and see a vague resemblance. I should have known.
“Okay, I’ll leave right away. I’m sorry I left before you could run out to get his food.”
“You need to get laid, Sam. If Richard isn’t the one to do it, you’d better find someone soon. You’re cooped up in that house with the baby all day long, and you don’t have time for anything. I’m taking you out on Saturday night. We’re going to find someone for you. Stat.” She hangs up and I finish the fake conversation.
“I’ll see you in twenty minutes. I’m so sorry. He’ll be okay until I get there. I promise.”
I look over to Richard, who is licking the crab dip from his fingers. He raises his eyebrows and asks, “Is everything okay? It sounded serious.”
“No, it’s not. The baby I’m caring for is out of formula. I thought I picked up a case from the pharmacy the other day, but that was two weeks ago. My aunt came to help out so I could go out with you tonight, and I’m afraid I left her in a bad spot. I have to leave. I’m so sorry.” I gather my phone and my clutch and shift in my seat.
He puts his hand up, signaling the waiter. “No problem. Marcie says you’re one of the best baby nurses around. We’ll get you home right away.”
We stop at the pharmacy so I can pick up the formula that I knew was waiting for me since yesterday and pull up to Garrett
’s house a few minutes later. I get out of the car and open the back door and take out the formula. I don’t see Peggy’s car, and I wonder if she pulled it into the garage.
“Thanks for everything, Richard.” I smile and turn toward the door. He chases after me and follows me up the stairs. My stomach sinks. I hope he isn’t expecting any physical contact. The thought of being near his crab-dip infested mouth makes my stomach churn again.
“Wait,” he says and turns me around to face him. He’s staring at my lips, and my body stiffens. Shit. Shit. Shit. He starts to lean in to kiss me, and I block him with the case of formula.
“I’m sorry, I need to get inside right away.” I turn and open the door. “Bye,” I say as I close it while he stands on the stoop staring.
I hear his car pull away a few minutes later, and I breathe a sigh of relief. I walk through the dark foyer into the kitchen.
“Who was that?” Garrett’s voice startles me, and I drop the case onto my foot.
“Ouch! God! Owww!” I hop around and fall into his chest. His strong hands grab my arms, and he steadies me. He’s warm. So warm.
“Are you okay?” he asks, concerned.
“Yes, I am now,” I lie, and I’m flustered when he lets go of me. The faint smell of alcohol wafts in the air between us.
“Who was that?” he asks again.
“Richard,” I say and wince as I try to put weight on my toe. Shit, I hope it’s not broken.
“Are you seeing him?”
I limp past him so I can sit on the stool by the counter.
“Have you been drinking?” I ask, attempting to change the subject. I see an empty tumbler on the kitchen island.
“Kai had a rough night,” he says and swipes the glass from the countertop. He puts it on the top rack of the dishwasher and turns to face me. Kai has been doing so well; it upsets me to think he’s taken a step back.
“Oh?” Concern bubbles up and anger shortly follows. “So you decided to get drunk while you’re home alone with him? What the hell is wrong with you?” I attempt to stand up, but pain shoots across the top of my foot where the heavy box landed a few minutes ago. “Dammit!”
“I wouldn’t be alone if you were here helping me,” he fires back, and my anger continues to escalate. Where is this attitude coming from?
“Where’s my aunt?” I ask, knowing she isn’t here.
“I sent her home a few hours ago. Kai drank a bottle around six and fell asleep soundly. He was content for a while, and I told Peggy I could handle things on my own. So she left.” He shakes his head and leans forward, placing his elbows on the counter. “Then everything fell apart.”
“Where is he now?” I ask, concerned that Garrett isn’t even holding him.
“Upstairs in his crib.”
Alone?
I hop off of the stool, ignoring the shooting pain in my foot, and go upstairs as quickly as I can. “I can’t believe he left him alone,” I mutter to myself as I reach the door to his room. I hear faint Rock-A-Bye Baby lullaby music through the closed door. I open it, and the soft glow of the universe nightlights fills my eyes. I walk over to the crib and see Kai swaddled tightly and sound asleep. There’s a stuffed dog that looks like a Dalmatian perched near his head, just out of reach. I’ve never seen that before.
I’m shocked to see Kai sleeping, in his crib. He’s never slept anywhere unsupervised. And it’s extremely rare that he’s sound asleep and not on top of one of us. This is a tremendous accomplishment, and I’m not sure Garrett realizes how huge it is.
I hear his soft footsteps behind me.
“I did everything wrong, didn’t I?” he asks, concerned.
“No…” I can’t take my eyes off of the perfectly swaddled and comfortable little boy in front of me.
I feel his warm hand graze mine causing tingles to travel up my arm.
“How did this happen?” I ask, backing up toward the hallway. My heart wants me to stand here and take this all in, but my brain tells me to leave him be so he can sleep as peacefully as possible.
Garrett follows me out and closes the door softly.
He looks at me and shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know. After Peggy left, he was sound asleep, so I brought him up here and rocked with him in the chair. After a while, we were both sleeping, until I sneezed myself awake. He woke up and started screaming like I’ve never heard him scream before. I think I scared him.” He runs his hand through his thick black hair, and the pain on his face intensifies.
“I didn’t know what to do. I tried to remember everything you’ve taught me over the past few weeks and I drew a complete blank. I started walking around the room with him and patting his back. I even tried singing to him. His little body was arching so much that I thought he was going to fall out of my arms.”
“Oh no. I’m sorry,” I say and lean against the wall.
“Then I remembered the music Peggy always plays for him and I turned it on.” He shakes his head and smirks. “I still can’t get used to hearing our songs playing as a lullaby.”
I have to admit that I love listening to Rock-A-Bye Baby. My favorite is the Nirvana and U2 albums. I’ve never listed to the Epic Fail one though.
“Anyway, after I put the music on, he started to calm down a little. But he was so squirmy and kept throwing his head back. I remember you telling me that sometimes that means he has gas, so I laid him down on the changing table and did that thing with his legs that you showed me—you know when you bend his knees slowly toward his chest?” He makes a motion with his hands in the air in front of him, mimicking the movement.
I nod and he continues. “That’s when I realized his diaper was full.” His expression changes to disgust, and he looks like he’s about to throw up. “It was really full.” I can’t help but laugh, and I quickly cover my mouth.
“It’s not funny,” he says and pulls on the front of his tee-shirt. “I’m covered in piss.”
My shoulders start shaking, and now I’m full-on laughing out loud. I cover my mouth, trying to stifle the giggles. I forgot to tell him about the Pee-pee-Teepee. I try to gain my composure.
“I’m impressed, Garrett. Very impressed.” I nod, and he lets go of his urine-stained shirt and wipes his hands on his jeans.
He ignores my compliment and continues the recount of tonight’s adventure in babysitting. “I’m not sure I put the diaper on right, but at least he’s covered.” He shakes his head and leans against the wall across from me. “He started screaming and crying again with his arms and legs flailing all over the place. I wrapped him really tight in one of his blankets and carried him around the room until he fell asleep. It took about thirty minutes for him to cry this out. But once he stopped, he was out cold.”
“Why did you leave him alone?” I ask, worried that Garrett had a breakdown.
“I had to go to the bathroom,” he replies, embarrassed.
“Oh.”
“Why didn’t you call me? I would have come home sooner to help you.”
“Really?” he asks and looks confused. “I thought you were looking forward to your date with Dick.”
“How did you know where I was? And why did you call him that?” Anger starts to build again when I see a different side of Garrett begin to surface.
“Your aunt told me where you went.” He steps away from the wall and closes the distance between us so we’re toe to toe. “Who is he?” he asks, and the smell of baby pee and whiskey mix in the air in front of me, making my anger grow.
“You shouldn’t have been drinking,” I say firmly and stare daggers into his eyes. I feel his warm breath on my face. “If something happened to Kai—”
“I handled everything, didn’t I?” He raises his voice slightly. “It’s not like I drank a bottle, Sam. It was one mouthful. I needed to calm down.”
“So you medicate with booze?” I snap back. “Remember his mother was an addict. You need to curb what you’re doing around here so you don’t model that type of behavior.” He’s so cl
ose to me right now I can’t move. My foot is killing me, and I want to push past him, but I’m boxed in.
“Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do in my own home. If I want to have a shot of whiskey to calm my nerves, I’ll do it a hundred fucking times over.”
“Garrett, you need to calm down,” I say. What has gotten into him?
“Do you know what day it is?” he asks.
“What? It’s Thursday,” I say, wondering why he’s even asking me this question.
“Exactly. It’s Thursday,” he says, and his face softens. “It’s Thursday, Sam.”
Pizza Thursday.
Shit.
He suddenly leans closer, closing the small distance between our mouths. His lips brush against mine and I freeze in place.
“What are you doing?” I breathe.
Garrett
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 27
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” she says, and I don’t give her another second to say anything else. I grab the sides of her face, tangling my fingers in her hair, and pull her lips against mine. My kiss is harsh and fast, and I feel her pushing and pulling at me with all of her strength.
I hit the wall behind me, and she takes off, limping down the hall. What the hell just came over me? Why did I do that?
I unclench my fists and try to calm myself down. I couldn’t get the image of her with another guy out of my head all night. When Peggy told me she was out on a date, I almost lost it. I realize I have no right to feel this way, but I feel betrayed. For the past few weeks, we’ve spent so much time together, and she’s had such a positive influence over me. She’s gotten me past my fear of being alone with Kai. She’s guided me on what to do when holding him and caring for him. I’ve been a bumbling idiot and terrified every single time I touch him, but she’s talked me off the ledge and constantly reassures me that I’m doing fine.
It’s Pizza Thursday. Our day.
Jealousy coursed through my veins all night, picturing her with someone else. What’s wrong with me?