by Trudy Stiles
He’s on all fours and at first hesitates. He hasn’t been here in a long time, and he seems unsure of his surroundings. He pats his hands on the floor and then looks up, sees me and darts across the floor giggling.
“Kai!” I screech and get down on my knees, arms outstretched. Giggles and drool escape his mouth, and he’s in my lap before I know it. I squeeze him tight and kiss him all over his chubby cheeks.
“What are you doing here?” I ask my aunt.
“Kai had a doctor’s appointment today, and I thought I’d stop by here before taking him home.” Her motives for bringing him are obvious, but I ignore them because I’m holding my favorite little man in my arms. I rub noses with him and he pats his hands on my face. He starts to squirm out of my arms and I place him back down on the floor and he once again takes off like a flash.
“We don’t have a child-proof house, Aunt Peggy.” I take off after him as he weaves his way through the foyer into the den. Once he’s on soft carpeting, he sits up and starts clapping. Aunt Peggy hands him some toys from her bag and he bangs them together, laughing.
“We’ll only be here for a few minutes,” she says as she brings several other bags into the kitchen. “I needed to drop off a few things.”
I sit down on the floor across the room from Kai and roll one of his balls toward him. He giggles and says, “Ba!” The ball glides toward him and he snags it, giggles and throws it up in the air. We play this game of ‘catch’ for several minutes, and he moves on, crawling through and exploring the den. I haven’t seen him since his last well-visit, which was over a month ago. He wasn’t this mobile then and it’s amazing to see him so happy and active.
“Kai, buddy, it’s time to go,” Aunt Peggy calls out. “Your Daddy’s home waiting for you.” Kai giggles and tries to scamper away while saying “Da-da!” Peggy scoops him up and I stand to walk them out. I kiss him on the cheek and brush my hand across his hair. “See you, little man.”
Aunt Peggy nods toward the kitchen. “There’s a bag for you on the counter.”
“Oh?” I ask.
She just smiles and walks out the door. “Happy Thursday.”
It hurts watching Kai leave with her, and I wish there was something more I could do. I don’t know when I’m going to see him again. I love that little boy.
There’s one canvas bag left on the counter in the kitchen, and I look at it warily. What is she up to?
I open it and see all of the ingredients needed to make pizza, and my heart tugs in my chest. Pizza Thursday. There’s a note sitting on top of the ingredients, and I recognize the handwriting immediately. Garrett.
Sam,
Can I come over tonight and help make this?
G
My head begins to spin and my chest tightens. I crumble the note and toss it into the garbage can and then put away all of the ingredients, slamming doors and drawers as I do. He can’t be serious. This is not going to happen.
I pick up my cell and hit Cassie’s speed dial. “Hey, chick,” she says, practically singing into the phone.
“I want to go out tonight,” I snap and stare at the crumbled note at the top of the garbage. “I have to go out tonight,” I state.
“What’s going on?” she asks, concern in her voice.
“Nothing. I just need a night out with my bestie. Are you in or not?”
“I’m always in. I’m on call, but let’s go out anyway. I’ll pick you up in an hour.” She hangs up, and I toss my phone onto the counter.
I have no intention of being here tonight.
Garrett
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 27
“KAI’S SOUND ASLEEP,” PEGGY SAYS as she settles on the couch in the den. Max is away on vacation, and Peggy jumped at the chance to stay and help out. She’s actually planning to spend the night tonight, hoping I’ll be successful with our plan.
“Did you see her?” I ask. She dropped by her house earlier today with Kai so Sam could spend some time with him. It’s been a while since she’s seen him, and I know Peggy takes him as much as she can. I don’t mind this at all and wish they would do it more often. Sam was such an integral part of the first six months of his life, and it would kill me to know that Kai didn’t get to see her. I know he misses her.
“I did,” Peggy responds. “She got to see Kai crawl. As soon as I put him down on the floor, he took off right into her arms. You should have seen how happy he was to see her.” The vision of this hurts more than I expect. I want my son to be happy and to be with Sam. Hell, I want to be with her. Picturing him crawling and throwing himself into her arms drives deep into my chest. It’s what should be.
“Well?” I ask, knowing I sent a note. This was all Peggy’s idea, and I’m worried it’s going to blow up in everyone’s faces. “Did she read it?”
“Oh, I don’t know. We left before she could open the bag. I’m not sure, actually.” She smirks and lifts her Kindle onto her lap. “I’m sure she’s read it by now,” she says and begins to read.
Shit.
“I can’t just show up there if she hasn’t read my note,” I say and start pacing around the room. “I haven’t seen her in three months, Peggy. I wish you had stayed long enough for her to tell you it was okay for me to come.” This was a really bad idea, and now I’m regretting even suggesting we get together.
“Relax, Garrett.” She glances at the clock. “You should head over in a few minutes, otherwise you’ll be cooking that pizza at midnight.” She grins and looks back down at her Kindle.
I huff. “This is a mistake.” I swipe my keys from the counter and head out.
When I pull up to their house, it’s dark. Sam’s car is in the driveway, but it looks like there’s nobody home. I park my car next to hers and hesitantly get out. The front porch light isn’t on, and I wonder if she’s trying to tell me something.
Fuck it.
I didn’t come all the way over here just to wonder ‘what if.’ I reach the front door and ring the bell and wait. And wait. She isn’t answering. I ring again and nothing. I knock loudly and peer through the window pane. Either she’s hiding in there or she’s not even here.
Yes, this was a mistake.
I sink down onto the front step and kick my legs out in front of me. What was I expecting? That she was going to open the door and fly into my arms? Tell me how much she missed me? Declare her undying love for me? I’m an idiot.
I pull out my phone, about to hit her speed dial, when a car pulls into the driveway. The lights flash toward me and I lift my arm up to shield my eyes. The driver’s window lowers, and Cassie’s voice screeches across the yard, “Hey, Garrett! How are you?”
I can’t see her because of the blinding lights. “I’m good,” I say and stand up. The passenger door opens and Sam emerges.
“Sam was just telling me all about Kai’s visit today. I can’t believe how big he’s getting,” she says. “Take care!” Her window closes and she backs out of the driveway, leaving Sam standing in place.
Neither of us moves for what seems like forever. She eventually takes a step toward me then stops. “What are you doing here?” she asks, and her arms fall to her sides.
“I thought—I mean, it’s Thursday, and I thought… ” Fuck.
She walks up the sidewalk, shaking her head, and pushes past me to open the front door.
“I don’t know what you thought, Garrett, but I’d rather you leave.” Her voice is cold, reminding me of the very first time we spoke. How much disdain she felt for me when she thought I was a heartless prick who wanted nothing to do with my own son.
“Can we talk?” I ask weakly. Can I hold you?
“I don’t think so,” she says and walks into the house. She leaves the door open and I don’t hesitate to follow her inside.
“I didn’t invite you in,” she says and drops her bag onto the counter. Something catches my eye at the top of the garbage can, and I see my note, crumbled.
“You go
t my note?” I ask, and she turns to face me.
“I did.”
“You weren’t here,” I say and take another step toward her.
“No, and I wasn’t planning on coming home this early either. I’d still be out if Cassie hadn’t been called into work.” Her tone is cutting through me, and I can’t take much more of this. I can’t stand the way she’s looking at me, with disdain. Hatred?
“Sam, I—”
“Please, don’t.” She cuts me off and leans against the counter.
“Tell me what I did wrong. Because the way I see things, I didn’t do anything, yet you shut me out.” I’m here and I want answers. The only woman I’ve ever loved is standing a few feet away from me and she’s staring at me like I’m a demon.
“I can’t do this,” she says and sighs. “Please.”
I close the distance between us and I grab her hand. She immediately flinches and jerks it away. “What did I do?” I raise my voice and she brushes past me. “Sam, I didn’t kill your parents!” I yell at her and she picks up her pace, darting for the stairs. “Talk to me, please!”
She takes off up the stairs and I hear a door slam. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I take the stairs two at a time, following the sound of her soft sobs. When I reach her door, they stop. “Garrett, I need you to leave.” She sniffles, and I rest my head against her door.
“I can’t,” I say.
“Please. Leave.” Her voice shakes, and I want to bust down this door. I need to make this right. I need her.
Moments pass, and she’s quiet and still inside her room. I place my hand on the doorknob and start to turn.
Then I stop.
I can’t force my way into her room. Into her life. Into her heart. She wants nothing to do with me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I release the doorknob and place my palm against the door. “I love you, Sam,” I whisper and slowly back away. Down the stairs. Into my car.
I love you, Sam.
Garrett
Present
Three Months Later
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 27
“I THINK WE’RE ABOUT READY to send this to the label,” Dax says and pushes himself back in the chair. “It sounds amazing.”
Tristan and Heath nod in agreement and they fist bump each other.
“It’s one of our best albums yet,” Dax interjects.
A lot of heart and pieces of each of our souls have been injected into this album. I’m not quite sure any of us will ever be the same again.
My cell phone dings, and I have another text message waiting for me. I swipe to see Kai’s huge smile filling my screen.
“Your nanny documents everything that boy does.” Heath grabs my phone from me so he can see him too. He scrolls through the two dozen pictures that Max sent to me since breakfast.
“You mean his manny!” Tristan laughs hysterically. He still can’t believe that I hired a guy to watch my son, and I explain that it wasn’t all my doing. Sam was the one who got the ball rolling with Max, and it worked out perfectly.
Heath tosses my phone back to me. “Another picture just came in. Dude, he’s walking.” I quickly look down to see a picture of Kai standing with his hands stretched out in the air. He had a huge, wide-mouthed smile that I can practically hear his happy screeches from.
“Are we done?” I ask, anxious to get upstairs to witness this huge milestone.
“We’re all set,” Dax says, and I don’t wait for him to retract his statement.
I bound up the basement stairs and then up the back staircase that leads to the second floor. I hear belly laughs coming from his room, and I open the door.
“Da-da!” he says as soon as he sees me, and he tries to take a step toward me. He falls onto his outstretched hands and pushes himself back onto his feet. He does this again three more times before he’s able to take several steps, practically leaping into my arms.
“Hey, buddy,” I say as I shower him with kisses.
“Da-da!” he screeches again and Max chuckles.
“I couldn’t believe it, Mr. Armstrong. He was table surfing all day today, and suddenly he let go. Once he realized he could balance, he just took off. It was amazing.”
I take out my phone so I can document this with proper video. My parents are going to be amazed by this as well, and I can’t wait to send it to them.
“Hey, you should get going,” I say to Max, noticing the time. “Thanks for staying late today so we could finish up downstairs.”
“No problem,” he says and walks past us and out the door.
“Bye-bye,” Kai says, and Max backs up to high-five him. Kai giggles and claps his hands.
Although Max was originally hired to be a live-in nanny, I decided that for the time being, I would do this on my own. He usually stays overnight once a week so I can do some late-night editing in the studio.
I haven’t heard from Sam since Pizza Thursday almost three months ago. I haven’t been able to even eat pizza since. Peggy keeps me posted on her, though. She’s been pulling double shifts for months, and that tips me off that she’s trying to hide away. Although Peggy says she’s been enjoying her time with her friends, I don’t believe her. The girl I saw that night was distant. Cold. I’m worried about her.
My heart sinks knowing that Sam isn’t a daily fixture in Kai’s life anymore. Or mine. She was such an important part of his life for so long and the only mother figure he’s ever known. It would kill me to not allow her to see him and continue to be a part of his life.
I yearn for what the three of us finally found together. We formed a family that was destroyed by an ugly truth. A truth we found out about by accident. A truth destroyed by my father.
I need to breathe her air.
Feel her touch.
Consume her fully.
We need her back.
Sam
Present
Long Beach Island, New Jersey
Age 24
THE CHILLY AIR SENDS A SHIVER down my spine, but I dig my bare feet into the cold sand anyway. I’m on Long Beach Island, New Jersey. Cassie gave me the key to her family’s beachfront vacation home. She said I needed a break and time to reflect. She couldn’t have been more right.
I pull the fleece blanket up to my chin and rest my head back on the beach chair. The sun is setting behind me, reflecting beautifully off of the clear water. A large, lone seagull skims along the top of the water in search of its next meal. I love it here. It’s so peaceful and relaxing. Cassie and I would come out here all the time when we were in nursing school. It’s only about an hour and a half from our college, and we made sure to put the house to good use. I smile as I remember some of the epic beach parties we threw. It’s amazing the neighbors haven’t run me off the beach by now because we sure were a nuisance back then.
Waves continue to crash, and the constant sounds of the ocean soothe me. It’s weird being down here by myself; I’ve never been here without Cassie. Last night I slept with all of the windows open, despite the cool ocean winds. I imagined Garrett’s warm arms wrapped around me as I drifted off to sleep.
Why can’t I let him in?
I walked away from him months ago, and I’ve lived such a lonely existence since. My life is a pattern of work, sleep, repeat. I close my eyes, and the wind sweeps and swirls my long hair around my face, hiding me from the world.
A loud cracking noise startles me and I sit upright. A large group of people have joined me on the beach, and the residual smoke from a firecracker floats out over the water. They’re laughing loudly as they arrange their blankets and chairs around a group of guys digging what I presume is going to become a fire pit. Watching them scamper around reminds me of the times Cassie and I would come here with our friends from college. We used to take over this whole area of the beach with our epic volleyball and whiffle ball games. If only I could travel back in time.
One of the girls opens a large bottle of wine, and the others hold out their glas
ses to be filled. Cheers and laughter continue as they clink their glasses together.
A Frisbee sails my way, landing near my feet, and one of the guys jogs over to retrieve it. “Hey,” he says and smiles ear to ear. I recognize him right away; he’s the son of Cassie’s neighbors. He bends to pick up the Frisbee and plops himself in the sand instead. “I thought it was you, Sam.” I squint, trying to remember his name. He’s a twin, and I always mix up him and his brother. I’m talking to either Jake or Justin. Cassie and I spent many nights on this same beach hanging out with them. In fact, I hooked up with Jake a few years ago at the end of a long day of swimming and drinking. He’s adorable and nice, but it was just a one-time thing and we didn’t let it interfere with the good times we were having. It was uncomplicated.
“Hi—um, Jake?” I say, hoping I’m right.
He smiles and nods his head. “That’s me.” He lifts his hand to shield his eyes from the sun behind me. “What are you doing out here all alone?” he asks.
“Oh, just enjoying the view and a much-needed break from life,” I say.
“Where’s Cassie? Is she up at the house?” He looks past me toward her back deck.
“No, I’m alone this weekend. Cassie had to work.”
“Jake!” his brother calls from across the beach. Jake waves him off and tosses him the Frisbee from his seated position in the sand.
“You’re here with a big crew. Are your parents down too?” I ask and look back over to his friends now huddled around a fire.
“No, they’re away. A bunch of us wanted to get together, and instead of going into the city like we usually do, we decided to come down here.” He peers at the waves and brushes sand off of his legs. He’s wearing shorts, and I shiver thinking how cold he must be.
“That’s nice,” I say. “It’s the perfect time of year to come down here and have this whole place to yourself.”
“Yeah,” he says. “So how have you been?” he asks.