by Trudy Stiles
How do I answer that question?
“I’ve been—life’s been interesting.”
He nods, almost as if he knows exactly what I’ve been through. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you here,” he says. “Maybe two or three years?” I can tell he’s remembering the same moment that I just did when we made out under a pile of blankets almost right in the same spot that I’m in right now.
“I can’t believe it’s been that long. What are you doing these days?” I ask.
“I’m a third grade teacher in Spring Lake and I’m living in Belmar. I can’t seem to stay away from the beach,” he says.
He is a gentle soul, and it’s the perfect profession for him. I bet the kids love him. “That’s great,” I say.
“What about you? Are you still saving lives?”
Sometimes.
“I’m a neonatal intensive care nurse in Philly,” I say and don’t want to talk much more about my job.
“It takes a really special person to be a nurse,” he says and brushes my leg with his hand. “I don’t know how you do it. Last week, one of my students puked all over his desk and I almost passed out.”
I chuckle. “It’s not as hard as you think.”
“I beg to differ,” he says. “Hey, why don’t you come join us? We have lots of food and plenty to drink.”
I shake my head. “Thanks, but I’m going to head up to the house in a few minutes. I leave early tomorrow and want to get to sleep soon.”
He grins. “Want some company?” As tempting as that would have been a few years ago, I can’t bring myself to say yes. His eyes are eager and hopeful.
I shake my head. “I don’t think so.”
He shrugs. “Someone probably swept you off your feet years ago. I guess I’m too late.”
“Not exactly,” I say and realize the only person who’s ever swept me off my feet is Garrett.
“Looks like we have company.” He nods to my other side and another group of people are making their way down to the beach. A little girl runs toward the water, followed by a boy about half her size. They’re screeching and laughing with joy.
“Emily, Caleb! Don’t go in the water,” a woman, who I presume is their mother, calls after them. Several other people follow, and one of them waves toward us.
“Hi, Jake!” an older woman calls out. “Your parents here?” she asks.
“Hi, Becca. No, they’re not here this weekend.”
She nods and catches up with her friends. “Carly, wait up!” The group tosses blankets down.
I remember them. Becca’s family owns the house on the other side of Cassie’s. They’re older than us by at least ten years. We used to annoy them when we threw parties at Cassie’s. It almost became a sport for us to make sure our music was just a little louder than theirs. Cassie’s mom told us that Becca and her friends were notorious when they were younger, so we never felt bad about annoying the older crew. “Callie! Manny! Who has the wine?” she calls out and a tall man raises his hand, holding a large bottle of red.
The two little kids run through the surf and screech again. They must be freezing. Another man scoops them out of the water and runs to the dry sand, collapsing with them on his chest. “Daddy!” They squeal and they soon forget about the cold water.
I stand up, tucking my blanket under my arms, and pick up my chair. “It’s great seeing you again,” I say to Jake, and he looks disappointed.
“Are you sure you’re not up for some company?” he asks, persistent.
“No, not this time,” I say.
He suddenly pulls me against him into a warm, tight hug. He inhales deeply and kisses my cheek. “It’s really great seeing you again. You should give me a call sometime.”
I don’t respond as he reluctantly lets me go.
“Bye, Jake,” I say and walk up to the house, waves crashing behind me.
The house is quiet and peaceful. As appealing as it was to be invited to join the party on the beach, I just don’t have it in me to be social. I’m here for a solo retreat, and I intend to hold true to that. I see Jake run up to the bonfire and plop into the sand next to his brother. Justin pats him on the back and their laughter carries through the air.
How simple would it be to invite Jake in for the night? Where would that lead? A night of steamy, unattached sex? I don’t think I can open my bed or my heart to anyone else.
Ever again.
Garrett ruined me.
Garrett
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 27
“ARE YOU READY, LITTLE MAN?” I ask Kai as I grab a bottle of water from the refrigerator.
“Da-da,” he says and claps his hands. It makes me so happy that he says ‘Da-da.’ The other words he has in his repertoire are ‘ball’ and ‘bye.’ I remove him from his high chair, and crumbs fall from his lap into the seat. He’s a mess, but he doesn’t seem to care.
I carry him out the back door, down to the pool house. I’ve been trying to come out here at least every other day to swim. To relax me. To connect with her.
I place Kai in his stationary walker and make sure he has plenty of toys within reach. Now that he’s walking and is so mobile, he doesn’t enjoy playing in this as much as he used to. Peggy mentioned that I might want to set up a play yard in here, and I have yet to figure out exactly what that even is.
He’s happy for now, so I take advantage and dive into the pool. Kai plays and watches me as I swim my laps. He screeches every time I get close to him, and I make sure I kick a little harder so he gets splashed. His giggles echo throughout the large room, and they fuel my vigorous swim. He gets quiet after a while, and I notice he’s watching the large-screen television intently. Disney Junior projects through the room and just like that he’s in a television coma. Peggy insists that I limit his television watching to only an hour or less a day. Max never lets him watch television, so I don’t see the harm in it. The “Miles From Tomorrowland” song fills the room as I finish my last lap.
I’m breathing heavily as I roll onto my back and allow the pool to swallow me whole. I learned so much from Sam from the time that she spent with us, but the one thing I’ve truly come to appreciate is the art of relaxation. Floating like this slows down time for me. It allows me to reflect on things that are happening and plan for things that are coming. It clears my mind and gives me strength to live. Only my mouth and nose are outside the water, and I let the pool take me. Kai’s giggles bounce around the room as he continues to watch TV.
I close my eyes and think about how far we’ve come. A year ago, I never would have thought I’d be home with a child. An incredible one at that. The love that fills my heart is amazing, and he’s taught me so much about myself. I picture my birth father’s face, drawn and sad. For the first time, I feel sorry for him. He missed out on so many years with me and my mom. He couldn’t escape his demons and ended it all. He also stole the lives and future of two wonderful people. Two people who should be here today, witnessing the miracle of their daughter and the woman that she’s become. My father took away his own memories and chance at a future with my son, his grandson. So, yes, I pity him. I no longer hate him, because it’s not worth exhausting that kind of energy on anyone. But I pity him and the sad life that his eventually became.
I see my parents’ faces, and Bill’s warm smile erases my father’s drawn face. Bill is the type of father that I strive to be, and every day I try to be the man that he is. I hope that Kai sees this someday and appreciates me the way I appreciate Bill.
A loud clap and a screech pull me out of my meditative state. Kai’s saucer is floating in the shallow end of the pool, and my heart leaps out of my chest. He’s clapping and laughing as he floats in the water, and I reach him before it’s able to sink further. “Da-da!”
How did that happen? Holy shit!
I scoop him and his walker out of the pool and take him out of the seat, his diaper hanging low, filled with water. He’s still laughin
g, and I thank God this incident wasn’t worse. The play yard suddenly seems like a great idea, and I toss the stationary saucer toward the door. I need to get rid of it immediately.
After we dry off and I change his soaked diaper, I carry Kai back to the main house. I’m still shaken from what just happened. I place him on the floor after I’ve ensured that all of the gates have been locked throughout the downstairs. We have an entire baby gate system on the first and second floors. If the unlikely event occurs and Kai’s able to breech one gate, there’s always a backup that has a different locking mechanism. It’s ironic that the inside of the house is so secure, yet a major catastrophe almost occurred outside in the pool house. I vow to make sure that never happens again, and I jot down a note on the pad that I share with Peggy and Max.
Play Yard
Pool Safety Class
Swim Instructions?
Peggy and Max are going to be full of questions, and I decide that I’m not going to tell them what happened today. The crisis was averted and that’s what matters. I will never put Kai in harm’s way again. I drop the pen next to the pad and look for my phone.
Kai is playing on the floor with some plastic cups and containers, banging them together and laughing. I sit down next to him as I swipe through my phone, reading messages from Dax. We have a busy couple of weeks ahead of us as we plan for the beginning of our upcoming tour. The management company has been easy on us and instead of scheduling one long road trip, they planned the tour in manageable trips. We’ll spend less time on a bus and more time in the air as we’re flown in and out of various venues and then back home again. This is going to work for me, but my heart sinks knowing there will be several days a month when I’m not home with Kai.
I lock the phone on the home screen and see the wallpaper picture. It’s Kai and Sam. It’s the same picture that I had enlarged and hung on his bedroom wall. He’s about to kiss her, and her smile is huge. It’s my favorite picture of the two of them, and it sums up the happiness and joy that she brought into our home.
“Ma-ma,” Kai says next to me, and I’m startled. He’s pointing to my phone and sees the picture of him and Sam.
“What did you say, little dude?” I ask him.
“Ma-ma.” He tries to grab the phone and I give it to him.
“Ma-ma. Ma-ma. Ma-ma.” He continues to say this as his pudgy finger presses into the screen on Sam’s face.
Tears fill my eyes as I witness the joy and irony of the situation. I can’t imagine where he would have learned that word because I’ve never referred to Sam as ‘mama.’ Yes, she was like a mother to Kai for so many months, but that word has never left my mouth.
I realize a sobering truth.
Sam is the only mother Kai has ever known.
Sam
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 24
“NO, CASSIE. DON’T BRING THIS TOPIC UP AGAIN,” I say and slide across the room on my rolling chair. I’m updating medical records and need to use two different computers at the same time. I’ve been gliding back and forth for the past twenty minutes, and I’m starting to get dizzy.
“I refuse to back down,” she says firmly. “Pick up the phone and call him for God’s sake. How much longer are you going to suffer alone? Garrett didn’t fill your home up with gas and flick the lighter. Why can’t you see that? He didn’t know, Sam.”
This conversation is tiresome. I thought that by escaping to the beach a few weekends ago, she would have started to let up on this incessant banter. It happens at least once a day, if not twice. How can she not understand that I can’t bring myself to be with the son of my family’s killer? It’s macabre. It’s wrong. Garrett may not have blown up my family, but the genes in his body carry the DNA from a deranged, drug-addicted gambler. Who’s to say Garrett won’t develop the same tendencies as his father?
“Do you think you have the right to see Kai without any formal arrangement with Garrett?” she asks and folds her arms across her chest.
“What?”
“Seriously. Think about it. He doesn’t have to let you see his son, ever. But he does. He knows what an important part of Kai’s life you’ve been, and he doesn’t deny his visits with you. You’re practically Kai’s mother, Sam. Why don’t you start acting like it and show some compassion for his father? Garrett’s in love with you. Jesus, Sam. You’re such an asshole!”
She paces through the NICU with her arms folded tightly against her chest.
“You may be trying to punish Garrett for what his father did, but you’re punishing Kai worse.” Her words cause my breath to whoosh from my lungs. They cut deep and it hurts.
I never thought of it that way.
“You would tell anyone listening that you moved beyond your parents’ cause of death and have accepted their gifts to you of acceptance, healing and love. C’mon, Sam, stop being a fucking hypocrite.”
Another punch to the gut.
Why do her words suddenly seem so true when for the past six months, I’ve been fighting them?
“Oh my God,” I say and stop in my chair.
“Are you finally getting it?” She twists the knife a little further into my heart.
“I get it, yes.” Tears prick my eyes and I hang my head.
“Good. I’m sorry I got you upset,” she says, walking toward me. She bends to hug me, and I throw my arms around her neck. “But you needed to really listen to me,” she says, and I nod against her chest. “Now what are you going to do about it?”
“Good morning, ladies.” Dr. Hagan’s peaceful voice floats through the room. Marcie and Becky trail closely behind her. We’re about to change shifts and our routine begins.
I PULL INTO OUR DRIVEWAY and am surprised to see Aunt Peggy’s car. She’s been so busy lately now that Epic Fail has been using Garrett’s house as their recording studio. She complains about it a little, but I know she’s secretly happy to be able to take care of all of them. My heart sinks when I think of Kai. I miss him so much.
“Sam, you’re home,” she says in her sing-song voice. “You look exhausted.”
“Back-to-back shifts will do that,” I say and sink into the living room couch.
“Kai started walking the other day,” she exclaims, and I smile from ear to ear.
“Really? That’s amazing.” I can’t believe I missed it.
“Max said he was table surfing like a pro and then just let go and kept going. He falls a lot, but it doesn’t stop him. No way.”
“Quiet at the house today?” I ask Peggy. She gives me a sideways look and knows I’m trying to fish for information.
“Garrett’s at his lawyer’s office today, and Max is home with Kai.” Her face lights up and she continues, “You know, Garrett will be gone for a few hours. You should go over to the house and see Kai walk. I know he’d love to see you too.”
I sigh. I haven’t been back to the house since that day. The day that everything between us changed.
I kick off my Danskos and curl my legs underneath me. “I haven’t slept in forty-eight hours. That’s my priority right now.” Cassie’s words ring in my head and my aunt’s expression elicits guilt.
You’re punishing Kai.
I stand up and slide back into my shoes before I change my mind. I hear Peggy breathe a sigh of relief when I walk toward the front door. “Give Kai a kiss for me, okay?”
“Of course,” I say and shut the door.
MAX IS SURPRISED TO SEE ME when he opens the front door. “Sam, how are you?” he asks. “It’s been such a long time.” He steps aside and I walk past him.
I look around the foyer and see recent pictures of Kai adorning the walls. The last time I saw him was a few weeks ago when I met him and Peggy for breakfast at the diner. “Peggy says he’s walking,” I say and strain my neck to see if he’s in the kitchen. It’s quiet in the house, so I assume he’s asleep.
“He’s like a bull in a china shop. Thank goodness your aunt baby-proofed this entire house
because everything would be on its end otherwise.” He shakes his head. “Kai’s a piece of work.”
“I bet he is.” I smile.
“Would it be okay if I go upstairs and peek in on him?” I ask hopefully.
“I don’t see why not.” Max smiles and walks into the kitchen, unlocking a series of gates along the way.
I slowly climb the staircase and follow the soft pings of music coming from his room. I open the door and tip-toe in. My nose fills with his baby smells, and the soft scent of powder relaxes me. I feel at home in his room, and I slide out of my shoes so I can feel the thick carpet between my toes. The aromas and sounds begin to relax me. I reach the crib and peer in. He’s on his back with his head turned to the side. His Dalmatian and my Googie are clasped in either hand. His breaths are even and peaceful, and I could stand here all day taking in all of his perfections. I back away and sink into the rocking chair. This chair was my bed for months, and I close my eyes, trying to feel the weight of Kai against my chest. While those times were heart-wrenching and difficult, I try to remember the moments when we bonded. His cries would fill this room and stab through my heart.
Tears come to my eyes as I realize how incredibly far Kai’s progressed. How incredibly far Garrett has, too. I look over at the crib and watch the instruments spin slowly above him. That’s when a large picture on the wall catches my eye. It’s a close-up of Kai and me, our faces pressed against each other. Our smiles are huge. Two teeth peek out from his gums, and his mouth is wet with drool. His hands are on either side of my face, and he’s about to plant a wet, slobbery kiss on me. I remember the exact day that picture was taken, but it seems like a distant memory.
I pull the blanket to my nose and inhale his scent.
Why did everything have to change?
My eyes become heavy and I allow myself to drift off to sleep.
“MA-MA! MA-MA!” I HEAR, and it feels like I’m dreaming. I open my eyes, and Kai is standing in his crib, squealing. “Ma-ma!”