by Trudy Stiles
Garrett steps into view and walks over to the crib. I shake my head and wonder if I’m still asleep. “Hey, little guy, what are you saying?” Garrett asks as he lifts his son out of the crib. Kai’s giggles fill the room, and he squirms out of Garrett’s arms. As soon as his feet hit the carpet, he’s running clumsily toward me in the chair.
He reaches me quickly and throws himself into my arms.
“Hey, Kai. I’ve missed you,” I say and pull him against me. He’s squirming in my lap and says again, “Ma-ma.”
Garrett says quietly, “He’s been saying that for the past few days. Every time he sees your picture or hears your name.” He sits down on the bed and faces us.
“Really?” I ask, and Kai plants a wet kiss on my cheek.
“Yeah, I don’t know where it came from.” He scratches his head and smiles as he watches Kai and me together.
“Da-da?” he says and points toward Garrett.
Garrett smiles and waves to his son.
His face becomes softer and he says to me, “How have you been?” He shifts uncomfortably on the bed, and Kai wiggles out of my lap and runs to his toy box on the other end of the room. He pulls the top open and begins digging through it, looking for toys.
“I’m good,” I say and begin to fold the blanket that was covering me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep in here. I hadn’t slept in almost two days, and as soon as I sat down, I was out. Force of habit I guess.” I shrug my shoulders, and a smile spreads across his face.
“Seeing you in here just feels right,” he says and leans back on the pile of pillows.
Kai runs across the room and drops a red ball in my lap. “Ball!” he says and waits for me to acknowledge.
“Yes, it is a ball. Thank you, Kai,” I say, and he runs back to the toy box.
“I can’t believe he’s walking,” I say, shaking my head. “And talking.”
“Yeah, I can’t believe it either. Time has flown by. He’s getting too big, too fast,” he says and watches Kai dart back to me with another toy.
“Ball!” Kai says and drops a stuffed pig in my lap.
I laugh and pretend to give the pig a kiss.
“Ball is his go-to word for everything.” Garrett says and reaches out to high-five Kai as he once again runs to his toys. This time, he plops down and plays on his own.
“I can see that.” I smile.
“Peggy says you’ve been busy with work.”
“Yes, it’s been a crazy few weeks. Lots of babies born, and unfortunately some of them need critical care.” We have six babies in the NICU this week and once again, we’re at capacity.
He nods his head and begins to look uncomfortable making small talk.
He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a large folded stack of papers. “Here, I’d like you to review these when you get a chance.”
He places the papers into my hand. Our fingers brush against each other and I almost don’t let go. He does reluctantly and sits back on the bed.
“What’s this?” I ask, unsure of what he placed in my hand.
“I met with my lawyer today to see what I could do about formalizing documents that allow you to take Kai whenever you want. It wasn’t easy to do, but he drew up a few documents that say that you’re an appointed guardian in my absence. I want him to be with you when I’m on the road.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing, and I slowly unfold the documents. They look legal, and they’re signed and notarized with raised seals and everything. “Why would you do this?” I ask, shaking my head.
“Because, there isn’t anyone on this earth that I would trust more with my son than you. He loves you, Sam.”
Kai loves me?
Kai giggles from the other side of the room and says “Ma-ma” again. He looks at me and blows kisses to me. I pretend to swipe them out of the air and press them into my heart. He laughs and continues playing.
“Garrett, I—I don’t know what to say.”
“There’s nothing to say. I know you’ll take good care of him when I’m not here.”
“I have a job; you know that, right?” I say.
“I’m fully aware of that,” he says and nods his head. “Peggy and Max have agreed to help you as much as you need. I can email you our travel schedule tonight when I get the final list of dates from Dax.”
I sink into the chair and tears fill my eyes again. “I’ve missed him so much.” I sob into my hands and feel Garrett next to me almost immediately. His hands cover mine, and he slowly pulls them away from my face.
“Please don’t cry,” he begs. “I didn’t do this to make you sad. It’s just—I don’t want anyone else with him but you. You’ve been with him since the first day he came into my house when I couldn’t bear to be in the same room as him. You had enough strength for two. You made him who is he and I don’t want him to be without you another day.”
His words take my breath away and I stare into his eyes, unable to speak.
“In addition to allowing you full guardianship while I’m on the road, I’ve also named you as a true legal guardian. You can come and spend time with him whenever you want. Like you’re one of his parents.”
I don’t understand why he would do this, but I throw my arms around his neck. “Why?” I whisper against the stubble on his cheek.
“You’re his mother. You always have been,” he says clearly and pulls me tight against him.
“Ma-ma!” Kai yells from his pile of toys, and he giggles again.
I start to laugh, and Garrett shakes with his own fits of laughter.
I reluctantly pull away from him, trying to compose myself. I wipe away the leftover tears from my face and take a deep breath.
“Thank you,” Garrett says, backing away. Kai stands up and runs to his father, wrapping his hands around his legs tightly. “Da-da!” he exclaims.
He reaches down and picks up his son, kissing him on the cheek. “What do you think, buddy? Do you want to see Sam more?”
He claps his hands and smiles, pointing at me with his little fingers.
I don’t know what I just agreed to, but I feel really good. Amazing even.
There’s a knock on the door and Max enters hesitantly. “Sorry to interrupt this little reunion, but Kai’s lunch is ready.” Garrett puts Kai onto the floor, and he runs toward Max and offers his hand to his nanny. “Let’s go, dude. We’re about to have a mac and cheese party.”
They leave the room, and Garrett sits on the edge of the bed. His eyes don’t leave mine.
“I’ve missed you so much,” he says, and his eyes glisten.
His words tear through my heart. There isn’t a night that I go to sleep when I don’t think about the night we made love. The night when we spoke the words I never thought I’d say to another person before. I was in love with him and it was deep.
I am in love with him.
But time has changed us. The actions of his father destroyed the life we had together and hardened my heart.
“I don’t know how to ask for your forgiveness,” he says, and he places his face into his hands.
“Why would I need to forgive you?” I ask. I’m confused by his sadness.
“My father took everything away from you, and I just don’t know how to express my sorrow and beg for your forgiveness for a sin caused by a man I hardly even knew.”
His words mean more to me than any lecture I could receive from my aunt or Cassie. He had no control over his father’s actions any more than I had control over my parents being at home that day. Neither of us had any power to stop the tragedy that took place. We both lost family that day, no matter what type of people they were. My parents left their legacy in me, and I’m the person that I am today because of them. I’ve realized that although I miss them so much it hurts, they’re still with me in the way that I live my life. I carry their gifts with me.
I look at the large picture of Kai and me on the wall and I smile.
“Thank you,” I say to Garre
tt. “I don’t know what I would be doing if your son hadn’t saved my life a year ago. I may have spiraled out of control after Ben’s death. Kai saved me and gave me purpose. He reminded me of all of the good that my parents instilled in me. You gave me that gift.”
He shakes his head and smiles.
“God, I love you so much, Sam.”
I reach out my hand and he grabs it, squeezing tight.
“I love you too,” I say quietly, and he pulls me out of the chair and onto his lap.
He buries his head in my hair and kisses my neck. He stops after he inhales deeply and pulls away from me so he can look into my eyes. He swipes his thumb across my cheek as he cradles my face.
“Thank you for coming home,” he says and lightly kisses my lips.
Home.
It’s true that I’ve felt more at home here than any other place I’ve lived since my parents died.
I kiss him back and press my forehead against his.
“It feels good to be home.”
Sam
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 25
“AWESOME!” GARRETT YELLS while Kai splashes in the pool. His swim instructor is helping him learn the survival technique that I learned so many years ago. Kai is expertly floating on his back and kicking his legs when he reaches the edge of the pool. He’s able to grab hold and he’s smiling, truly enjoying this game that we’re playing with him.
I clap and splash my feet in the water. The swim instructor takes him to do another exercise and Garrett wades over to me. He grabs hold of my bare legs and threatens to pull me into the water. He kisses my knee and looks up at me.
“You should come in with us,” he says and kisses my other knee. I remain seated on the pavement and swing my legs on either side of him.
“I’m good right where I am,” I say. And I truly mean it. In every possible way.
The past several months have been hectic but amazing. Kai and I have spent almost every moment together when I’m not working, and Garrett is here as much as he can be. It’s like we picked up right where we left off last year. I belong here, and I should never have left.
He stands up in front of me and water cascades down his chest and abs. He’s stunning perfection, perfectly chiseled and lean. He wraps his wet arms around me and soaks me completely. My face is pressed into his chest and he’s laughing. “Now you have to come in,” he says and swiftly pulls me into the water with him, dunking me under.
I jump out of the water and swat at him. “Don’t even think about it,” he says and pulls me into him for a warm kiss.
Kai is giggling and playing in the shallow end of the pool when Garrett takes my hand and lies on his back in the water. He begins to float, and I do the same. We’re both on our backs, our arms outstretched.
We float quietly and peacefully, listening to Kai’s happy laughter echo throughout the pool house.
“Happy birthday,” Garrett says and squeezes my hand.
“Happy birthday to you too,” I say in return.
Things could not be more perfect.
I’M HOLDING KAI’S HAND as we walk through the lush green grass. Garrett lifts him in the air, and he squeals with delight. He loves when we walk and swing with him between us.
“Up, up and away!” Garrett says, and Kai swings higher.
We slow our pace and find the clearing in the lawn in front of us. I approach the headstone slowly and drop a white carnation in front of the grave. Kai runs over and picks up the flower that I dropped, and he hands it to me. “Here,” he says, and I smile.
“It’s okay, Kai. This flower belongs next to this stone,” I say and guide his hand back down to the ground.
“Flower,” he says and crushes it against his nose, inhaling deeply.
Garrett stands behind us, shifting uncomfortably on his feet. He doesn’t say a word, and I don’t expect him to.
I touch the headstone and say softly, “Thank you.”
“Welcome,” Kai says, giggling from the grass. He places the flower back and puts his hand next to mine.
Sadie Moore
April 1, 1991 – August 16, 2014
I turn to see Garrett’s gaze focus on her name. He barely knew her, yet she gave him a tremendous gift of a son. Despite all of her problems, she did the right thing before she died. She found Garrett. Even though she was an addict, she knew what she had to do. She ensured that despite her sins, her son would have a chance at life. Garrett shakes his head and shoves his hands into his pockets. He walks a little closer and leans into my side, kissing me softly on my cheek.
“Let’s go, Kai,” I say and lower my hand. He takes hold, and I help pull him to his feet. We turn and walk back toward the SUV. I realize Garrett isn’t next to me, and I see him touching the headstone with his head bowed, as if in prayer. He mouths a few words, but I’m out of earshot. I hope he’s making his peace with the troubled woman who gave us Kai.
“Are you okay?” I call out to him.
He lifts his head and smiles, the sun shining behind him.
“I’m perfect,” he says and jogs to meet us. He sweeps Kai off the ground and holds him in one arm while he throws the other around me.
“I love you,” he says and kisses me tenderly on the lips.
My cell phone rings and I see Cassie’s name pop up. I answer it, and she immediately starts babbling.
“We’re all here. Where are you?” she asks.
“We’re on our way,” I say and hang up.
“Let’s do this.”
Garrett
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 28
“CONGRATULATIONS!” THE JUDGE EXCLAIMS and taps his gavel on the bench. The crowd in the small room starts to applaud, and I kiss my son on the cheek.
“Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the Armstrongs.” Whistles and cheers fill the room and Kai claps and giggles.
Judge Henson folds the documents and slides them into a folder. “Keep these someplace safe. We’ll have duplicates on file with the registrar if you ever need them.”
He hands the legal documents to Sam that have her name forever tied to Kai. She officially adopted him today, and the courts finalized it with a seal.
And just twenty minutes before this ceremony, the same judge married us.
I pull my wife and the mother of my child against my side and turn to greet our friends and family who have filled the judge’s chambers completely.
Nicole, Kai’s social worker, is in the back of the room wiping tears that are streaming down her face. She’s been involved with us as we got this ball in motion to make the adoption official. Her ties to Sadie and her desire to see Kai live a wonderful life helped fuel our quest to make this legal.
“Are you ready, Mrs. Armstrong?” I say into Sam’s ear. She smiles and nods her head.
“Let’s celebrate,” she says.
CARS LINE THE DRIVEWAY as we pull into our wedding reception, birthday party and adoption celebration. Everyone is here, and we enter the foyer to loud cheers and hugs. My mother takes Kai from my arms and kisses him all over his face. Bill pats me on the back and pulls me into him for a huge hug. He does the same with Sam, and we make our way through the crowd that’s gathered.
The day is a whirlwind of fun and music. In true form, by the end of the night, we all have an instrument in our hands, and Epic Fail performs an acoustic set in our backyard. Alex and Heath take turns singing some of our biggest hits, and the crowd loves it.
Sam is glowing today and floats throughout the crowd. She and Tabby spend a good amount of time chatting over the kids. Noah shows Kai how to do a somersault, and they’re both tumbling as their mother’s watch.
Sam’s friends, Cassie, Becky and Marcie, are huddled outside watching the guys do shots. I can tell that at least one of them has it bad for Heath. And he knows it too.
My parents are huddled with Peggy as they toast their white wine glasses. Peggy and m
y mom have really hit it off working together to plan today’s festivities.
Presents are piled by the fireplace in the den, and Kai begins to bang on the boxes. In lieu of wedding or birthday gifts, we asked that people shower Kai with love. We’ll celebrate this day every year as not only our wedding anniversary but as Kai’s Adoption Day. He’s officially spoiled beyond belief. He starts pounding on the youth drum set that Dax gave him and everyone covers their ears.
Sam catches my gaze from across the room and smiles. A smile that grabs my chest every single time. She’s perfect in every way, and I vow to never let her go again.
THE CROWD IS GONE, and Kai is sound asleep in his room. He fell asleep in a pile of wrapping paper in the den, and Sam just came down the stairs after putting him to bed.
She walks over to me and kisses my neck. “Happy birthday, Mr. Armstrong.”
“Happy birthday, Mrs. Armstrong.” I turn her to face me and kiss her tenderly. We breathe each other’s breaths and melt into each other’s arms.
We release each other and look into the backyard. It’s filled with tables and chairs, and a large tent is still standing in the corner of the yard. “What a whirlwind of a day, huh?” I ask her, and she nods.
“It was a wonderful day. One that I’ll never forget.” She smiles and fixes her gaze on the pool house.
The soft glow of lights from the bottom of the pool fills the entire pool house with dim lights. Steam rises from the water, and it looks magical. Four distinct flower arrangements float in the pool and cast large shadows in the water.
“What are those for?” I ask Sam, and she wipes a tear from her cheek.
“A bit of a memorial,” she says softly, and I understand fully.
The arrangements that float represent the members of our family that couldn’t be here today.
Two for her parents.
One for Sadie.
And one for my father.
The flowers all float together, crossing paths and riding the small ripples they each create. Together.