Elise turns to them shouting for them to cut it out. "Just get in the car. They’re not worth it."
I loosely hear Calvin's voice in between all this commotion. There's plead in his tone.
"Olivia, wait. It’s not what it looks like. Let me explain...”
I turn around to his voice and watch him running towards me. God seeing him feels like heaven and hell at the same time.
He's even more gorgeous, more stunning then the image I keep in my head. He has stubble which he carries sexy. He's in a black shirt with familiar rolled up sleeves and grey suit pants. I deflate when I see him, wanting nothing more than to run into his arms but how can I?
"Olivia, listen to me, please let me explain, it’s not what you think."
Tyler stands in my way pushing his hands into Calvin’s chest not letting him anywhere near me.
"Don’t you think you’ve done enough damage to the poor girl, then you go and pull a stunt like this?"
"Tyler, I didn’t know you were here, none of you. Please let me speak to Olivia. I have to explain. I don’t want to hurt her."
"It's too late for that don’t you think?"
Then all I remember is getting bundled into Elise’s car with Tyler and Sophia screeching about how much of an asshole Calvin is and about that bitch Georgia. I black out until we get home, with Elise pulling me from her car into my house.
Chapter Five*
I cradle the toilet seat when I finally get in. I can't stop repulsively puking.
I feel terrible. Who the hells idea was it to drink?
Elise is kneeling next to me holding my hair out of the way and rubbing my back with a glass of water on standby.
"Come on, let's get you into bed." She undresses me as I sit like a rag doll. She helps me into bed making sure I’m sleeping on my side while I remind myself never to drink ever again.
"I’m going to sleep in with you Okay, make sure you don't choke on your own vomit." Elise is so worried and climbs in beside me, but I can’t settle.
"How can I sleep Elise? We haven’t even been split up that long, and now he’s back with his ex? And here? He was gone. He left me. He left Chicago. Is that why he finished with me to get back with her?" I can't stop crying. The thought is haunting me.
Elise hushes me to sleep but I can’t. I feel awful. So drunk and utterly heartbroken all over again.
Elise sits up to look at me with sympathy. "You know, it doesn’t make sense to me. You spent all your time together, practically all summer. You meet his family he meets us, even though it didn’t go well, it’s just...” she sighs taking my hair out of my face where it’s been stuck. "He seemed totally smitten. The way he looked at you. I don’t think even Dante has ever looked at me that way. I know sometimes people can put on feelings until it suits them to switch emotions, but you and Calvin, to me that was real. He didn't give you any real reason why he left you either did he?"
"Obviously for her!” I whimper like a sap. “Just like she said he would. He always runs back to Georgia, that’s what she said and he has. Maybe I just wasn’t enough for him anymore, either that or I scared him off when I told him I loved him."
I still love him. I love him so much.
"Why didn’t I just keep my big mouth shut and let it carry on as we were. If I never told him I loved him we'd still be together."
"Don’t you dare blame yourself," Elise has tears in her eyes now too as she watches deeply how much pain I’m in.
"The thought of loving someone that much, to the point where it hurts it’s almost shameful isn’t it? To the point where you think you can’t live without them? Only to get told they don't love you, the pain is unbearable. I didn't think I’d ever feel pain like that again, but then I see him with her, it has proved me wrong."
Elise takes my hand and lays her head on the pillow next to me, she wants to listen to meand I need a listener right now.
"Why does it hurt so fucking much? I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can’t get him out of my head. My mind and body is constantly numb and aching from missing him so much."
"These feelings will go away in time Livs, I know everyone says that but they will."
I shake my head clenching my eyes shut, my tears are soaking my pillow. "But what if I don't want them to? Because as soon as the pain disappears, as soon as the feelings go then I have nothing left of him. I don't want to feel like this Elise, I hate every second of it but I don't want to forget him either, I can't."
"Come on Liv’s, try and sleep. We’ll talk through this tomorrow. You look absolutely exhausted."
I turn on my side closing my eyes, trying to absorb the tears.
"I just feel so empty."
***
I wake up next morning feeling like death. I can't get a grasp on what happened last night. I wake up and instantly remember.
Jeez, please mind, give me a break.
Questions after questions run through my mind: Why would Calvin do that to me? Did he really think that little of me? How come he is back in Chicago? I thought he hated that bitch? Her smug face. The look on his. Arh.
I thought at the back of my mind that maybe I would get a text off Calvin apologizing to me. He would have known for a fact seeing that last night would have cut me in two. He would have known, if he knew me at all, that it would have destroyed me.
He has destroyed me.
I’m slowly beginning to think maybe he is as cold heart-ed as people said. But then I completely dismiss it. I don’t want to think of him in a bad way and taint my thoughts of him. I can’t think of him as being reprehensible. The person he was when I was with him was real to me. Calvin is loving and so kind. Full of life. So beautiful inside and out. Being ruthless is not in Calvin’s nature is it?
Elise isn’t next to me when I turn. Maybe she's gone down for breakfast.
I sit up shakily and take the two painkillers sitting on my bedside table, washing it down with water. Elise is so thoughtful. Do I dare try to get out of bed? I could stay here and hide all day but I need some air.
I feel dead. Jesus, looking in the mirror I look it too.
I climb into the shower trying to make myself feel a little more human.
Oh no, I have work. Shit. I’ll have to call in sick.
I pull on gray sweat pants and my Hollister hooded jumper and look around for my cell ready to call into work bracing myself. While I’m looking for it, I start to realize I haven’t seen it or heard it all morning. I can’t find it. What the?
I look under my bed sheets, under the bed. On the floor. In the bathroom. Nowhere! Where the hell has it got to?
I calm myself down after panicking from losing it and go use the house telephone. I’m sure Elise must have it.
"Hey Macy, its Olivia. I won’t be in today I feel terrible." How could I go to work today with this on my mind?
"Olivia, we have the model auditions today, you can't miss it."
That's today? She's right I can't miss it.
"Shit, I forgot. How long have do I have?"
"Two hours Olivia, hurry up I can't drool over them all by myself."
"I’ll be as quick as I can."
Shit, now I have to doll myself up when I have zero energy. Zero interest.
I change as quick as I can into a black long sleeved very business-like dress, and slip on my black flat pumps. I’m having to sit down again and again in between because I feel like I’m going to vomit at any moment if I stand for too long. I put my black heels in a separate bag and grab my red duffel coat.
I head out into the kitchen needing another glass of water before I leave and I’m surprisingly greeted by my mother.
"Mom?” I question un-expectant. “Why are you here?"
My mom looks up from her newspaper dressed like she's a super star.
"Oh, Morning Olivia. Yes, if you’re wondering, my short vacation was wonderful. But your dad had to come home early, unforeseen circumstances. That’s why I’m home.” She shrugs.
I nar
row my eyes confused. That’s not like her. She would have usually almost cried from a holiday being canceled. That tells me she really wasn't bothered about going in the first place. Hmm.
"You look lovely darling. You going to work? I wish you would change into heels, flat shoes never did anyone any good."
My mom glances down at her watch and frowns. "And you’re late. That won’t look good for your father."
I brush past her heading to the sink to fill my glass with water. "I no mom, I’m leaving now. I have heels in my bag, panic over. I have male models coming in today for auditions for suits. I need them to update Mercy’s gallery. Have you seen my cell anywhere?"
Her face lights up hearing my news. More like the thought of male models. She claps her perfectly manicured hands together.
"Your cell? No I haven’t, and do you need any help? I have no plans for today."
"I have Macy to help. Where is Elise?" My tone is unintentionally dry.
"Yes but three heads are better than two yes? Elise had to head home early for work, she told me she’d call you. She hated that she had to leave, poor thing. Can I come?"
I groan at her persistence. I know she won’t take no for an answer, she's already getting her Prada handbag ready to leave with me. I roll my eyes where she can't see.
"You want to take my car?" She beams pulling on her large overcoat with a faux fur collar.
I’m not in any mood to argue today over whose damned car we will take. My mom’s car is obviously a BMW, Gran coupe in a sort of bronze color. Maybe it will be nice for us to spend the day together. Some mother daughter time might cheer me up. God knows, we need it.
"We could go for lunch on your break? Just the two of us?"
"Sure, I’d like that." I admit smiling as we head to my works. I love it when my mom acts like my mom. I hate the person she has become recently.
We don’t talk much on the way to work. I stare out of the window desperately trying to block out the more than dismal uninvited thoughts from my mind. It's taking all of my energy to accomplish it. "You’re not very talkative Olivia, Everything alright?"
"I’m fine."
“You don’t seem fine.”
“Well, I am.”
"Olivia, stop being short with me."
"Mom, if I promise to perk up will you quit with the questions."
"Fair enough."
"Thank you."
MF tailors is a huge glass building on its own. The building is only two story but big width wise. We have a factory downstairs which produce the garments and then our offices are upstairs.
I introduce my mom to Macy my assistant and vice versa.
"Mrs. Fahoney, it’s so nice to finally meet you." Macy shakes my mom’s hand firmly.
"Likewise Macy and please, call me Ronnie. I feel like an old lady when someone addresses me as Mrs." Macy receives a small hug from my mom shortly before she begins to wonder around. "Your mom is hot Olivia. I can see where you get it from." She tells me from the side of her mouth. "Oh please." I smile, flopping a weak hand. Macy is a stunning, tall slim women. A year older than me. She has short black hair with perfect sweeping bangs. Her pale skin is always full of professionally done makeup and she has the most beautiful round hazel color eyes. She always dresses immaculate and is very intelligent. She runs this place better than I do. I’m not sure I'd cope without her.
"The boys will be here in around fifteen minutes Olivia, would you like anything to drink?"
"Could you get me a coffee please? Not milky like I always have it, make it strong. I need the energy today."
"Late night?" She questions me raising her perfectly waxed eyebrow knowing that is why I was going to call in sick.
"You have no idea. I need to keep busy today." She salutes me and she struts off in her black, god knows how many inch heels making them clip down the corridor. I do need to keep myself busy. As soon as the image creeps back into my mind about Calvin and Georgia last night it starts to bring on an emotional breakdown. I need to get myself together today and block it out.
I get comfortable seated behind a table between my mom and Macy in an intimate room. We have a white canvas in front of us and a very flirtatious photographer named Leo to take a quick snap of the models for our recruitment. "Bring them in." My mom shouts all vivacious. I cringe covering my eyes at her high spirit.
We see around twenty models, one after another, all so tall and chiseled. It does take my mind off other things for a while but at the same time I find myself comparing every single one of them to Calvin. None of them having a patch on him, obviously. My mom and Macy are completely over indulging themselves, it's getting embarrassing. I however, act ever the professional.
"Olivia, are you that immune to gorgeous men? You are completely unaffected by them all." Macy teases me bumping shoulders while I sit making notes of each one. I only need to pick five and I think I have them, but we have one last man to interview and he's late.
"I think we should disregard this last one, it’s not very professional to be late. Don’t you agree Olivia?" I don't look up at Macy, but I agree on a mumble not really caring. I’m about to tick him off the list when he comes barging in, in a panic.
"I am so sorry I’m late. I got caught in traffic. Am I too late for the trial?"
"Yes I’m afraid. You should have been here on time like the rest of them, sorry." I mindlessly glance up from my notes as Macy gives her orders and catch the eye of the last model.
He is beautiful. Tall, toned, has a lot of messy golden hair, sexy dark stubble and sparkling light blue eyes.
"Olivia?" Macy is asking for my confirmation as I’ve gone silent. The man's eyes soften towards me. I think he's silently pleading with me.
"Urm, it’s not a problem. What’s your name?" I ask the late model as Macy and my mom sigh, hating that I’m giving him a chance. The model walks over to me handing me his portfolio.
"My name is Jonathan Lowe. Thank you so much for giving me a chance." He smiles down at me, a beautiful warm smile that reminds me of someone. I know who. It gives me unexplainable chills. I continue to stare at him, only because of his similarity as Macy fires him questions, the ones I’m meant to ask but I’ve come over mute all of a sudden. Calvin comes straight back into my mind. Golden hair, worldly smile. I feel my body going ridged. That numbness builds up inside of me again. The pain and anguish. My eyes begin to burn and I know I can’t sit here any longer and watch him.
I quickly stand from my seat with all eyes on me and shake my head lost and apologetic. "I’m sorry. I can't...."
Macy stares at me utterly confused, while my mom looks on with pain in her eyes.
I rush out of the room hearing the model saying behind me. "Was it something I said?"
I need to get outside. I need fresh air.
I get outside and lean against the wall trying to calm myself down, trying to control my breathing, it's relentless. Why oh why can't I get a grip. He still has a hold of me and it will never let me be.
"Olivia, darling? Why did you run out like that?" I stand trying to compose myself, hearing my mom’s voice. Then she’s beside me, looking at me in a little lost. "Olivia?”
I sigh closing my eyes briefly, leaning the back of my head against the wall. "I don’t feel so good mom, it’s nothing."
"That was nothing?"
"Nothing." I repeat in a breath, trying to close her down, but she can see the torment I’m hiding. "Go home Olivia,” she advices me, passing me her car key, “I’ll take it from here."
I shake my head trying to act professional, pushing her keys away. "No mom. I appreciate it but it’s my job, I’ll finish it. I’ve just got a stinking hangover that’s all."
My mom nods and smiles short at me, not convinced by my display of lies but I don’t want to talk about it again. It’s hurting me enough as it is.
It's almost midafternoon and we have chosen our models excluding the familiar late one, and scheduled the photo-shoots. Now my mom wants to take m
e for lunch.
"Macy, would you like to join us?" My mom asks as we gather our things together.
"That’s so nice of you Ronnie, but I’ve brought lunch with me. I like to work through my lunch hour."
My mom drives us to the nearest deli. It’s raining by this time, the sky is turning dark from the weather and it's unbelievably cold, but not as cold as it has been. I’m hoping this rain will wash away the snow we have left.
We get seated at a small table. I’ve ordered a bacon and cheese sub with a full fat coke, and my mom ordered a salad and bottle of water. What's the point?
"This is nice. We haven’t done this in a while." She places her bottled water down onto the table and picks up her fork.
I shrug distant running my fingers up and down my coke glass looking absent.
"No we haven’t. We haven’t really done anything together in a while."
"Would you like to talk about what's on your mind because I know there is something? You don’t run away like you did earlier for nothing."
I look up from my glass and raise my eyebrow at her. "Now you wanna talk about it? Four months too late?"
She frowns a little hurt. "What do you mean? I always talk to you."
I sigh picking at my sub. "You used to. I don’t mean anything by it mom and I certainly do not want to row with you, all I mean is, I never know what mom I’m going to get. You never want to talk to me. I tell you what’s on my mind and you don’t want me talking about it for some reason. So what I mean is, now you want to talk all of a sudden? You know what’s up with me mom. But you ask like your hoping it’s something else. Like you hate I’m still feeling this way over some man you dislike. You never act this way towards me, I don’t get it."
I know this might not go down well with her because she hates being confronted with the truth especially in a public place, but I have no qualms at the moment. What more in my life could go wrong?
She shifts in her seat looking around, opening her mouth to talk but nothing comes out.
I sigh annoyed at her. Even now, she can’t talk to me. Even when I’m hitting her in the face with the truth.
Confessions and Olivia (Olivia #2) Page 5