Wait. Roses for me? I don’t live here. Maybe Calvin sent them to cheer me up? No he wouldn’t, I don’t like roses. But then, he calls me his delicate rose just like my mom used to. She called me it so much when I was little, that, or her little red rose. I used to love them. My first painting was of a rose and I become somewhat attached to them, but my mom stopped calling me her rose when I begin to act up for Mauricio in middle school. I think then, my love for them died.
I spot a card attached so I take a seat on the steps and pull the card from the envelope and read.
As I read, my face loses all sense of color. My hand begins to shake before I’ve read the sentence.
*Flowers of your delight. For Ashton’s burial.*
I gasp aloud. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach. My head shoots up to look around, seeing if I can see him. He knows where we are?
“You bastard.” I throw the flowers to the ground, screaming as I do. I run into the road looking up and down frantically. Where the fuck is he? Why don’t he just come and get me.
I find myself screaming into thin air. “Come and get me if it’s me you want.”
I can’t cry. I’m too furious at the situation. He’s forced me to feel venomous. How could he know where we are!
Am I scared anymore? I don’t think I am. I’m not scared for myself. I’m scared for everyone around me.
The ringing on my cell startles me. I’ve ran quite a way from Claire’s house so it must be Calvin calling me asking where I am.
What do I say? Do I tell him? Hasn’t he been through enough?
When I don’t recognize the number my breathing picks up rapidly. I know who it is from the gut-wrenching, nauseating feeling I have gained.
I answer not saying a word.
“Olivia.”
All the hairs on the back of my nape stand to attention in response to Mauricio’s quiet, cold voice. I can’t breathe. It’s like there is no oxygen in the air, I feel suffocated.
“You know, you should really be more careful. Running out onto the road like that. A car might come speeding out of nowhere and…run you down.”
I hold my breath, panicking and do a full turn, looking everywhere, but there is no one. Every car that passes me I freeze, but it’s not him. I get myself to walk on the side walk and stand panic stricken.
“What do you want from us?” My voice is low and steady.
A million things go around in my head that I need to say to him but I can’t pin point a thing.
“I want you to do as I say, Olivia. That’s all I ever asked.” Mauricio’s tone is ice cold. He speaks slowly and haunting.
“What do you want me to do?” Now I’m crying. The cruel reality of being on the opposite end of Mauricio’s life has just hit me. You’re either with him or against him. I get that now. Is this what people get if they go against him?
Mauricio’s vindictive laugh down the other end of the line sends cold goose bumps across every particle of my skin.
“You’re going to leave that ‘boy’ Olivia. You’re going to come home. Forget this ever happened. You’re going to do as you’re told like the good little girl you once were and be a part of my family.”
What! He wants me to come home and be a family again? No. No way. I’m not buying this shit.
“You’re crazy if you think I will ever come home to you. You’re more insane than I thought you were.”
I hear him inhale deeply, like he's deciding what to do with me. Then he begins to talk again. This time his tone is threatening.
“You wana see what happens if you continue to disobey me, Olivia? You know that ‘pretty’ little white house over there with the American flag hanging outside? It will be burnt to the ground before you get another chance to tell me no.”
“No!” I scream at him. “Leave them alone Mauricio. They haven’t done anything to you. Why are doing this to them?”
He sighs disagreeing. “Oh no Olivia. It’s not me hurting these people. It’s you. The longer you stay with them, the more danger you’re putting them in. Don’t you see? That Blake boy didn’t have to get killed, but he did because he was protecting you,”
No. It wasn’t like that was it? Mauricio would have killed him anyway wouldn’t he?
Tears stream down my face at the possibility of Ashton still being alive if I never ran away in the first place. He’s right. They are protecting me. I’m keeping them in danger.
I bite down on my quiver lip, closing my eyes and in give. “What do I have to do?”
I sense his merciless grin down the phone. “You meet one of my men tonight at the bar you passed coming here. You don’t say a word to Calvin about this. You don’t tell him you’ve spoken to me. If you have to. Be heartless. Tell him you don’t love him anymore if you have to. Tell him you’re leaving. But whatever you do, come alone.”
I press my hand over my mouth to stop myself for crying. I’m inconsolable inside. He wants to me to leave the man I love. The man who has been protecting me throughout all this. How can I leave him heartbroken after everything?
My voice speaks before I think. “And then you’ll leave them alone?”
“Yes. You have my word.” I don’t know why but I believe him. If this is the only chance of Calvin and his family having any further future then this is what I will do.
“Then you have mine.” I clench my eyes shut after that sentence. Tears swamp my face as I hold my heavy chest.
“Eleven o’clock Olivia.” The line goes dead. My chest heaves in and out to accommodate my heavy uneasy breathing.
I have to leave Calvin. I have to leave him heartbroken. He loves me. I’m the only thing that keeps him going and I have to pull that away from him? His family are falling apart because of Mauricio and now I have to brake him even more?
If it’s to protect him. Then I’ll do anything.
I walk back to Claire’s house after wondering around the neighborhood by myself. I’ve been walking around contemplating this outcome. My life is going to be ruined either way. I leave Calvin and I have lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve lost my reflection. I’ve lost the other half of me. If I go home I can be with my mom, but I have to live with that spineless bastard. But I keep telling myself; it’s to protect Calvin. I have to do this.
I take the steps towards Claire’s front door and Calvin comes bounding through. I glance up at him quickly and see he’s beside himself.
“There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”
Before I go to answer he pulls me into him and sighs a relief while he holds me.
“I went for a walk.” I manage.
He holds me out at arm’s length to study me. “I wish you wouldn’t do that.” His blood shot, exhausted eyes narrow while he regards me carefully. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost. What’s wrong?”
I look down at my feet. “I… I heard your gran before. I had to get out Calvin, it killed me hearing her that way.”
I’m not going to tell him what really happened, and I’m not lying about hearing Hazel that way. It was torture.
Calvin bends down a little so he can see my face. He places my hair behind my ear, and tips my chin up to face him. “I’m sorry you had to hear that. She’s not taking it well at all,” I look up at him this time, so he straightens up tentatively wiping a tear away from my cheek with his thumb. “My granddads gone into shock. Claire is already busying herself with what to do next.”
“Ruby?” I ask worried. She’s only eighteen and a young eighteen at that.
“She ran up into her room.” Calvin’s glazed eyes look behind my shoulder. I quickly turn to see what he’s looking at but it’s nothing.
“Olivia?” he questions me again confused on a frown. “Why are you so jumpy?”
“I’m…it’s... I just don’t feel safe. That’s all.”
I’m aware that my tone is clipped. I’m being short with him, I don’t mean to be, but if I have any chance of leaving him, it has to be belie
vable. If he realizes for one moment that I’m doing it to protect him, he won’t let me leave. I can’t have him in danger anymore.
“You’re safe with me. You know that.”
Calvin is about to kiss me but I painfully turn my head away. He’s taken back by my unusual behavior and grimaces. I have to look away from his eyes because the pain that is seeping through them is tearing me apart.
I head inside the house and hear Claire immediately barking orders before I see her. “We need to go up the hospital. Calvin should never have left him there. If they have tested his body they need to release it. We need to make funeral arrangements. We need to talk to the police, we have to organize…”
I feel Calvin behind me. I don’t have time to look back at him, he’s already barging past me into the kitchen.
“I shouldn’t have left him there?” Calvin voice is full of hurtful incredulity in response to what Claire has just said.
Claire shocked expression to see him standing there only last's a second. She tightens her jaw and points her finger enunciating every word. “You shouldn’t have left him there alone. He’s lying on a cold slab when he should be comfortable in a mortuary.”
“He is in a mortuary.” Calvin snaps back,
“Yes, in hospital, it’s not the same.”
My gaze turns towards Hazel while they argue it out. She’s sitting at the table, staring into space. Here face is white. Her eyes are swollen. Her body is shaking. I want to go over to comfort her but I'm glued to the spot by Calvin and his aunt arguing. I don’t move in case I get dragged into it. I feel sick guilty and feel that they should be blaming me but selfishly, I don’t want the blame.
“You think I wanted to leave Ashton alone? You don’t think that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do? Seeing him lie there stone cold dead? Well do you?” Calvin’s rage is spilling out in his tone, but Claire doesn’t back down.
“Well why did you leave then? You should have called us.”
Calvin laughs turning his head away in amazement. “You would rather have heard he was dead over the fucking phone? You can tell me until your blue in the face what I should have or shouldn’t have done. But you’re not the one with a fucked up image of him dying. My brother died in my arms and you reckon I can think straight after that?”
Claire suddenly muddles up her words. I think she now recognizes Calvin’s point.
He’s right, how could he think straight after all that. He couldn’t. He can’t please everybody.
“Well, we need to go back right now,” she pats her black bob in place. “There are things to discuss with the doctors. The police…”
Calvin groans loudly in exasperation. “I’ve already spoke to the police. They won’t do fuck all.”
Claire disagrees. “Of course they will. They will catch whoever did this. Mark my words.”
I frown in puzzlement, then realize Calvin couldn’t have told them the whole story. I’m relieved but it will come out eventually.
“Yes. We need to go. I need to see my boy.” All eyes dart over to Hazel as she makes her quiet statement. She’s still looking into oblivion when she stands. I glance around noticing Gerald isn’t anywhere to be seen. Where is he?
Calvin walks over to his gran taking her hand. “Are you sure you want to come gran?”
Hazel nods her head absent minded. He looks towards me a little lost, wanting reassurance off me but I look away from him. I can’t look at him. Not knowing what I’m going to do to him. Looking around this kitchen there is a family who is completely broken by all the wrong doings of one man. If I can save any more heartache for them, I will.
“Claire? Do you want to drive down?” Calvin’s tone is a little more approachable now. I think it’s because he has his grandmother in his arms but his face is still stern when he looks her way.
“Come-on mom, let’s get you in the car.” Claire takes Hazel by the hand and escorts her outside.
It’s just me and Calvin now, standing at opposite sides of the room. I wrap my arms around myself feeling cold and distant. I can’t bare this. I want to walk into his arms and be told everything will be alright. I want to tell him everything will be alright. I want to feel the warmth of his embrace. I want to feel the passion of his lips when there touching mine. The smell his intoxicating scent that soothes me. But I can’t.
Calvin instantly picks up on my body language. Of course he would.
“Olivia, why can’t you look at me? Have I done something wrong?” Oh my god. Please don’t say that. I roll my eyes to the ceiling and inhale deeply. He has done absolutely nothing wrong. My silence is killing the both of us.
Walking towards me he’s about to touch me but I step back. This time he throws his arms up in the air from my cold lack of interest. “What is wrong with you? You won’t look at me, you won’t let me touch you. I’m trying here Olivia, I really am.”
I know you are, I want to scream. I want to tell him. He’s doing everything he can for me and I have to chuck it all back in his face.
I stare back at him and I know my eyes are oozing sorrow. Such pain. I can feel it seeping through and so does Calvin. He looks dead inside. His blue, what once were sparking eyes, are dull, puffy and red. He’s definitely lost weight and his complexion is sallow. He looks ill. But he’s still beautiful to me. There is no denying he’s still flawless. What I hate is that he’s a lost soul. He used to be full of life and carefree. I even miss the smugness of his personality, the cockiness of his ways. Will I ever get to see that again?
“Baby, speak to me.” He pleads, and even though he calls me baby a lot of the time, he said it this time with anguish.
“I’m just tired Calvin. That’s all.” I shrug it out coldly.
Calvin nods unsure, but also that he understands. “Why don’t you go lay down for a while. You want me to lay with you?”
Does he have to be so nice? I love it, but it’s killing me because I’m being a heartless bitch.
“No. You go the hospital. You need to be with your family.”
I offer another suggestion. “I’ll stay here. I’ll watch Ruby.”
Ruby can’t go to the hospital. They will want someone here with her.
“Okay.” He says finally but seeming lost. “We shouldn’t be long. I suspect we will be home by tomorrow.”
“That’s fine.” Again I’m short with him and don’t look him in the eyes. If it isn’t believable then I’m killing him for nothing!
“I’ll even get my hand seen too, for you.” He smirks trying to lighten my mood. He knows I want him to get the hand he punched the mirror with checked out. And the adorable childish way he smiles at me, the way he says he’s having it done for me is painful. What do I say?
“Good.” I don’t smirk or smile.
I quickly glance up at Calvin and watch him briefly close his eyes like he’s fighting a losing battle with me. My heart presses together tightly causing chest pains, but I breathe deeply trying to ignore it. He walks towards me cautiously. I keep my arms wrapped around myself when he kisses my forehead while gently caressing the side of my cheek with his one hand. He prolongs the kiss to my head, lingering with hope, inhaling as he does. Do we still have hope?
My glance lowers. I stare at his boots, close my eyes and let tears fall. Was that the last kiss I would ever receive from him?
“I love you.” He breaths into my ear before letting my hair fall from his fingertips. My ragged breathing doesn’t stop when he walks reluctantly walks away from me.
Calvin turns to face me remembering something before he leaves.
“Olivia,” I glance up at him swiping at tears. “Promise me you won’t leave this house.”
Promise him! I can’t promise him. I have to leave this house. So I don’t use the word 'promise' as it is something I don’t use lightly. He knows this. “Yes.” I say simply.
“Tomorrow.” He promises me.
“Tomorrow.” I reply on a weak smile, because I know there is no tomorrow
with Calvin.
He nods slowly, a little hesitant. “I love you, you know that right?”
“Hmm.” I murmur shakily, looking away from him as he leaves.
I stumble my way over to the plastic chair that Hazel was sat on and slump down.
I put my face in my hands and sob. I sob so hard that the only time I remember crying this bad was when Calvin left me and ripped my heart out. And now, I’m going to do the same to him.
Chapter Thirty Two*
I’ve cried for almost an hour. Now I’m sat here, cold alone and numb. Mindlessly staring at the kitchen walls.
“Olivia.” I jump at the smallest sound of a girl saying my name. Shit. Ruby.
“Are you Okay?” she comes into the kitchen sheepishly.
She’s been crying the poor girl, and I’m sat here alone feeling sorry for myself. I should have been comforting her.
“Ruby. Come sit down.” I pull out the chair beside me and pat the seat.
She sighs and smiles briefly. If I know anything about being a teenager, I know that she will try and be brave, but she doesn’t have to be. I think to myself that maybe she doesn’t want to talk about it but she jumps straight in.
“I don’t know why anyone would do something like this to Ashton. Did they hate him?” her face twists in confusion. I wince at her choice of words. Yes. These kind of men hate everyone.
Instead I offer Ruby comfort, and kind words.
“You know, nobody ever knows why these kind of men do the terrible things they do. It had nothing to do with hating Ashton because,” I close my eyes briefly to compose myself, “he was such a kind, caring, brave man. I can’t see how anybody could hate him. Can you?”
I did once. But only because I had reason to. When I got to know him, he was without doubt a great man with great spirit. Yes, he has hidden demons put there by Mauricio the fucking idiot but he was loyal and caring. He is the one who took care of Calvin. He protected him and lived for his little brother. I hate when I think about it, that Ashton never experience love with a women because he thought he was never worthy of protecting them. I hate that Mauricio did that to him. The impact of what that merciless human being has done to these boys have scared them. Turning them into people they shouldn’t have been.
Confessions and Olivia (Olivia #2) Page 33