The Canongate Burns

by Robert Burns

  For me, I wad be mair than proud would, more

  10 To share the MERCIES wi’ you.

  If Death then wi’ skaith then harm

  Some mortal heart is hechtin, menacing

  Inform him, an’ storm him,

  That SATURDAY ye’ll fecht him. fight

  Robert Burns. Mossgiel, 14th June, A.M. 5790.

  This was composed on the date signed for the poet’s friend, Dr John Mackenzie, a doctor in Mauchline. The St James Lodge in Tarbolton were to meet on 24th June, St John’s Day.

  The Farewell

  First printed by Rev. Hamilton Paul, Ayr, 1819.

  The valiant, in himself, what can he suffer?

  Or what does he regard his single woes?

  But when, alas! he multiplies himself,

  To dearer selves, to the lov’d tender fair,

  To those whose bliss, whose beings hang upon him,

  To helpless children, — then, Oh then he feels

  The point of misery festering in his heart,

  And weakly weeps his fortunes like a coward:

  Such, such am I! — undone!

  THOMSON’S Edward and Eleanora

  Farewell, old Scotia’s bleak domains,

  Far dearer than the torrid plains,

  Where rich ananas blow! pineapples

  Farewell, a mother’s blessing dear!

  5 A brother’s sigh! a sister’s tear!

  My Jean’s heart-rending throe!

  Farewell, my Bess! tho’ thou ’rt bereft

  Of my paternal care,

  A faithful brother I have left,

  10 My part in him thou’lt share!

  Adieu too, to you too,

  My Smith, my bosom frien’;

  When kindly you mind me,

  O then befriend my Jean!

  15 What bursting anguish tears my heart;

  From thee, my Jeany, must I part!

  Thou, weeping, answ’rest — ‘No!’

  Alas! misfortune stares my face,

  And points to ruin and disgrace,

  20 I for thy sake must go!

  Thee, Hamilton, and Aiken dear,

  A grateful, warm adieu:

  I, with a much-indebted tear,

  Shall still remember you!

  25 All-hail, then, the gale then,

  Wafts me from thee, dear shore!

  It rustles, and whistles,

  I’ll never see thee more!

  This is another less successful work from what is almost a separate sub-genre, Burns’s songs and poems on departing Scotland for Jamaica in 1786.

  To John Kennedy:

  A Farewell

  First printed by J. G. Lockhart, 1829.

  Farewell Dear Friend! may Guid-luck hit you,

  And ‘mang her favorites admit you!

  If e’er Detraction shore to smit you, threaten, smite

  May nane believe him! none

  And onie deil that thinks to get you, any devil

  Good Lord deceive him!!!

  These lines are given in a letter (Letter 38) written by Burns to John Kennedy in August 1786, just after the Kilmarnock edition came out. The letter mentions the proposed Jamaica emigration.

  Libel Summons

  or The Court of Equity

  First printed publicly in an appendix of Carswell’s biography, 1951.

  In Truth and Honour’s name — AMEN —

  Know all men by these Presents plain: —

  This fourth o June, at Mauchline given,

  The year ’tween eighty five and seven,

  5 We, Fornicators by profession,

  As per extractum from each Session, extracted

  In way and manner here narrated,

  Pro bono Amor congregated; for the sake of love

  And by our brethren constituted,

  10 A COURT OF EQUITY deputed. —

  WITH special authoris’d direction

  To take beneath our strict protection,

  The stays-out-bursting, quondam maiden, pregnant, erstwhile

  With GROWING LIFE and anguish laden;

  15 Who by the rascal is deny’d,

  That led her thoughtless steps aside. —

  He who disowns the ruin’d Fair-one,

  And for her wants and woes cares none;

  The wretch that can refuse subsistence,

  20 To those whom he has given existence;

  He who when at lass’s by-job, vagina

  Defrauds her wi a frig or dry-bob; mere play, no climax

  The coof that stands on clishmaclavers fool, nonesense

  When women haflins offer favors: — partly

  25 All who in any way or manner

  Disdain the Fornicator’s honor,

  We take cognisance thereanent,

  The proper Judges competent. —

  First, POET BURNS he takes the chair,

  30 Allow’d by a’, his title ’s fair;

  And pass’d nem. con. without dissension,

  He has a DUPLICATE pretension. —

  Next, Merchant SMITH, our worthy FISCAL,

  To cow each pertinaceous rascal;

  35 In this, as every other state,

  His merit is conspicuous great:

  RICHMOND the third, our trusty CLERK,

  The minutes regular to mark,

  And sit dispenser of the law,

  40 In absence of the former twa; two

  The fourth our MESSENGER AT ARMS,

  When failing all the milder terms,

  HUNTER, a hearty, willing brother,

  Weel skill’d in dead1 and living leather. — vagina

  45 Without PREAMBLE less or more said,

  We, body politic aforesaid,

  With legal, due WHEREAS, and WHEREFORE,

  We are appointed here to care for

  The interests of our constituents,

  50 And punish contraveening truants,

  Keeping a proper regulation

  Within the lists of FORNICATION. —

  WHEREAS, our FISCAL, by petition,

  Informs us there is strong suspicion,

  55 You, Coachman DOW2, and Clockie BROWN,3

  Baith residenters in this town;

  In other words, you, JOCK, and SANDY,

  Hae been at wark at HOUGHMAGANDIE; sexual intercourse

  And now when facts are come to light,

  60 The matter ye deny outright. —

  FIRST, YOU, JOHN BROWN, there’s witness borne,

  And affidavit made and sworn,

  That ye hae bred a hurly-burly have

  ’Bout JEANY MITCHEL’S tirlie-whirlie, vagina

  65 And blooster’d at her regulator,

  Till a’ her wheels gang clitter-clatter. — go

  And farther still, ye cruel Vandal,

  A tale might even in Hell be scandal!

  That ye hae made repeated trials

  70 Wi’ drugs and draps in doctor’s phials,

  Mixt, as ye thought, wi’ fell infusion, deadly

  Your ain begotten wean to poosion. — own, child, poison

  And yet ye are sae scant o’ grace, so

  Ye daur to lift your brazen face, dare

  75 And offer for to take your aith, oath

  Ye never lifted JEANY’S claith. — clothes

  But tho’ ye should yoursel manswear,

  Laird Wilson’s sclates can witness bear, slates

  Ae e’ening of a MAUCHLINE fair, one

  80 That JEANY’S masts they saw them bare;

  For ye had furl’d up her sails,

  And was at play — at heads and tails. —

  NEXT, SANDY DOW, you’re here indicted

  To have, as publickly you’re wyted, accused

  85 Been clandestinely upward whirlin

  The petticoats o’ MAGGY BORELAN,

  And gien her canister a rattle, given

  That months to come it winna settle. — would not

  And yet, you offer your protest,

  90 Ye never herrie
d Maggy’s nest; harried

  Tho, it ’s weel ken’d that at her gyvel well known, vagina

  Ye hae gien mony a kytch and kyvel. have given, thrust, bang

  THEN BROWN AND DOW, before design’d,

  For clags and clauses there subjoin’d, claims

  95 WE, Court aforesaid cite and summon,

  That on the fifth o’ July comin,

  The hour o cause, in our Court-ha’.

  At Whitfoord’s Arms, ye answer LAW!

  BUT, as reluctantly WE PUNISH,

  100 An’ rather, mildly would admonish:

  Since BETTER PUNISHMENT prevented,

  Than OBSTINACY sair repented. — sore

  Then, for that ANCIENT SECRET’S SAKE,

  You have the honor to partake;

  105 An for that NOBLE BADGE you wear,

  YOU, SANDIE DOW, our BROTHER dear,

  We give you as a MAN an’ MASON,

  This private, sober, friendly lesson. —

  YOUR CRIME, a manly deed we view it,

  110 AS MAN ALONE, can only do it;

  But, in denial persevering,

  Is to a SCOUNDREL’S NAME adhering.

  THE BEST O MEN, hae been surpris’d;

  THE BEST O WOMEN been advis’d:

  115 NAY, CLEVEREST LADS hae haen a TRICK O’T, have had

  AN’, BONNIEST LASSES taen a LICK O’T. — taken

  Then Brother Dow, if you’re asham’d

  In such a QUORUM to be nam’d,

  Your conduct much is to be blam’d.

  120 See, ev’n HIMSEL — there’s GODLY BRYAN,

  That auld WHATRECK he has been tryin; old sexual intercourse

  When such as he put to their han’,

  What man on CHARACTER need stan’?

  Then Brother dear, lift up your brow,

  125 And, like yoursel’, the TRUTH avow;

  Erect a dauntless face upon it,

  An say, ‘I am the man has done it;

  ‘I SANDIE DOW GAT MEG WI’ WEAN, got, child

  ‘An ’s fit to do as much again.’

  130 Ne’er mind their solemn rev’rend faces,

  Had they — in proper times an’ places,

  But SEEN AN FUN’ — I mukle dread it, greatly

  They just would done as you an’ WE did. —

  TO TELL THE TRUTH ‘s a manly lesson,

  135 An doubly proper in a MASON. —

  YOU MONSIEUR BROWN, as it is proven,

  JEAN MITCHEL’S wame by you was hoven; belly, distended

  Without you by a quick repentance

  Acknowledge Jean’s an’ your acquaintance,

  140 Depend on ’t, this shall be your sentence. —

  Our beadles to the Cross shall take you,

  And there shall mither naked make you; mother-

  Some canie grip near by your middle, careful

  They shall it bind as tight ’s a fiddle;

  145 The raep they round the PUMP shall tak rope

  An’ tye your han’s behint your back; tie, hands

  Wi’ just an ell o’ string allow’d

  To jink an hide you frae the croud: dodge, from

  There ye shall stan’, a legal seizure,

  150 In during Jeanie Mitchel’s pleasure;

  So be, her pleasure dinna pass do not

  Seven turnings of a half-hour glass:

  Nor shall it in her pleasure be

  To louse you out in less than THREE. —

  155 This, our futurum esse DECREET,

  We mean it not to keep a secret;

  But in OUR SUMMONS here insert it,

  And whoso dares, may controvert it. —

  This, mark’d before that date and place is,

  160 SIGILLUM EST, PER sealed by

  BURNS THE PRESES.

  This Summons and the signet mark,

  EXTRACTUM EST, PER extracted by

  RICHMOND, CLERK

  165 AT MAUCHLINE, idem date of June,

  ’Tween six and seven, the afternoon,

  You twa, in propria personae, two

  Within design’d, SANDY and JOHNY,

  This SUMMONS legally have got,

  170 As vide witness underwrote:

  Within the house of JOHN DOW, vinter,

  NUNC FACIO HOC. I now make this

  GULLELMUS HUNTER.

  In this 1786 work, Burns sets up a fictional and mock-legal Court of Equity in brilliant parody of the Ayrshire Kirk sessions on those accused of fornication and condemned by clerics. The poem, never intended as a publishable work, is partly a psychological release valve for Burns and his close cronies, James Smith (1765–1823) and John Richmond (1765–1846) who experienced the condemnation of the Kirk over sexual matters. Smith is named as the Court’s Fiscal and Richmond, the Clerk. Satirically turning Church morality on its head, the poet’s Court does not condemn promiscuity, but lashes those accused of fornication who are not manly enough to admit their ‘crime’ and accept responsibility for the children they have fathered. The ‘crime’ of dishonesty is made worse in Alex Dow’s case, the coachman, who is also a brother Mason – such honour is ‘doubly proper in a Mason’. One of the so-called accused is threatened with being tied to Mauchline Cross naked if he does not confess and admit his responsibilities. The language employed both parodies and levels the ritual seriousness of Kirk divines and the legal establishment. Considering the three extant manuscripts in the British Museum, it would appear that Burns never completed the poem to his satisfaction. Standard editions of the poem combine text from the earlier Egerton manuscript and append the closing couplets from the Hastie manuscript, as above.

  1 A Tanner. R.B.

  2 A coachman. R.B.

  3 A clockmaker. R.B.

  Answer to a Trimming Epistle Received from a Tailor

  First printed by Stewart & Meikle, in pamphlet, 1799.

  What ails ye now, ye lousie bitch, bothers

  To thresh my back at sic a pitch? thrash, such

  Losh man! hae mercy wi’ your natch, lord, notching-blade

  Your bodkin’s bauld, needle

  5 I didna suffer ha’f sae much did not, half so

  Frae Daddie Auld. from

  What tho’ at times when I grow crouse, cocksure

  I gie their wames a random pouse, give, bellies, thrust

  Is that enough for you to souse strike

  10 Your servant sae! so

  Gae mind your seam, ye prick the louse, go, nit-picker

  An’ jag the flae. flea

  King David o’ poetic brief,

  Wrocht ’mang the lassies sic mischief brought, such

  15 As fill’d his after life with grief

  An’ bloody rants,

  An’ yet he’s rank’d amang the chief

  O’ lang syne saunts. old-time saints

  And maybe, Tam, for a’ my cants, canters

  20 My wicked rhymes, an’ drucken rants, drunken

  I’ll gie auld cloven Clootie’s haunts give old, devil

  An unco slip yet, a good miss

  An’ snugly sit amang the saunts among, saints

  At Davie’s hip yet. King David’s

  25 But, fegs, the Session says I maun shall

  Gae fa’ upo’ anither plan, go fall

  Than garren lasses coup the cran, making, somersault

  Clean heels owre body, over

  An’ sairly thole their mither’s ban, sorely endure

  30 Afore the howdy. midwife

  This leads me on, to tell for sport,

  How I did wi’ the Session sort —

  Auld Clinkum at the inner port bell-ringer

  Cry’d three times, ‘Robin!’

  35 ‘Come hither lad, and answer for’t,

  Ye’re blam’d for jobbin’.’ fornication

  Wi’ pinch I put a Sunday’s face on,

  An’ snoov’d awa’ before the Session — toddled off

  I made an open, fair confession,

  40 I scorn’d to lie;
>
  An’ syne Mess John, beyond expression, Master

  Fell foul o’ me.

  A furnicator lown he call’d me, fool

  An’ said my fau’t frae bliss expell’d me; fault from

  45 I own’d the tale was true he tell’d me,

  ‘But, what the matter,’

  Quo’ I, ‘I fear unless ye geld me, castrate

  I’ll ne’er be better.’

  ‘Geld you!’ quo’ he, ‘an’ whatfore no, why not

  50 If that your right hand, leg, or toe,

  Should ever prove your sp’ritual foe,

  You should remember

  To cut it aff, an’ whatfore no,

  Your dearest member.’

  55 ‘Na, na,’ quo’ I, ‘I’m no for that,

  Gelding’s nae better than ’tis ca’t, no, it is called

  I’d rather suffer for my faut, fault

  A hearty flewit, flogging

  As sair owre hip as ye can draw’t! sore over

  60 Tho’ I should rue it.

  ‘Or gin ye like to end the bother,

  To please us a’, I’ve just ae ither, one other

  When next wi’ yon lass I forgather, have sex

  Whate’er betide it,

  65 I’ll frankly gie her ’t a’ thegither, give

  An’ let her guide it.’

  But, Sir, this pleas’d them warst ava, worst, all

  An’ therefore, Tam, when that I saw,

  I said ‘Gude night,’ an’ cam’ awa, good-, came away

  70 An’ left the Session;

  I saw they were resolved a’

  On my oppression.

  This was the poet’s reply to an epistle by Thomas Walker, a friend of William Simpson, school teacher at Ochiltree, who attacked the bard’s morals as a result of his rebuke by the Kirk session for fornication. When it first appeared in 1799, Walker’s letter and poem to Burns were also printed (Kinsley prints Walker’s Epistle as no. 119A). It is believed Simpson had a hand in improving the tailor’s poem, given that a first attempt was ignored by Burns. Locally, it was public knowledge that Burns had been rebuked by the Kirk session for his sexual exploits out with marriage and Walker took advantage of this gossip, along with Simpson, to poke fun at Burns. Walker’s poem is partly written more in sorrow than in anger, but it does prophesy for the poet an after-life in the flames of Hell for his promiscuity. As earlier with his father, the austerely restraining hand simply led to greater excess. This was akin to pouring petrol on Burns’s erotic bonfire. Invoking the example of King David’s sexual excesses as a justified model for his own (Burns’s avidly heterodox readings of The Old Testament drove his ‘unco guid’ critics to enraged despair), he waxes lyrical on the delights of the flesh and his consequent provocation of the Kirk session. The ‘trimming’ epistle denotes its author as both a despicable ‘trimmer’ and, perhaps, one who would use his shears in the self-proposed gelding of the Bard as the only way of stopping his activities.