Finding Lily (Second Chances Book 2)

by Rachel Del

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  Lily felt as though she was floating in the air above them, looking down over the conversation, instead of sitting across from Thomas as he poured his heart out to her. After all this time his apologies had become meaningless, but there was something about the way he was speaking to her then that had her wondering if they were doing the right thing. Still, she caught only glimpses of what he said.

  “It was just the one time… we were so disconnected… my fault… you’ve got to forgive me… for Ben… I don’t want to be without you… I still love you…” It was though she was listening to a worn record, skipping over and over.

  “That’s why I can’t let this go, Lil.”

  Lily dropped her head into her hands, feeling as though her feet were once again firmly planted on the ground. “Why now, Tom? I was just…”

  Starting to get over you, she thought.

  “You were just what?” he asked.

  “Nothing.”

  Lily shivered. When Thomas had suggested they eat outside, it had seemed like a good idea. But now, looking out over the city, witnessing that view that she had fallen in love with when she first moved in with him, it only reminded her of her failures.

  Thomas moved his chair closer to her and reached out to hold her hand.

  “Thomas, please,” she urged, but he held on. “It’s too late.”

  “But it’s not Lily. You know it’s not. We can call this whole divorce thing off in a second.”

  “This isn’t fair to Ben… we can’t keep jerking him around like this.”

  “We won’t be. We’ll be reuniting this family, his family. He’s young, Lil. He won’t even remember this happened.”

  “No,” she croaked.

  “Lily, please…”

  She pulled her sleeves down over her hands and pulled her sweater tighter around her, though she knew it wasn’t the cool air that was making her uncomfortable. She quickly rose from her chair, cringing when Thomas followed suit. He pulled her into his arms, wrapping his warm body around hers.

  For a moment she forgot where she was, forgot about all of the drama and tears and loneliness. She knew only that the man she had loved for eight years – the man who had introduced her to a better life and healed her broken heart after her mothers’ death; the man who had fathered her only child, and whose mother had just passed away – needed her now.

  It was at that moment that Nathan, following the sounds of voices from the backyard, stepped around the corner just in time to see Thomas lift Lily’s chin and press his lips to hers.

  Chapter 11

  If he really thought about it, it was one of those things Nathan had known in the back of his mind to be true. Of course her marriage wasn’t over. Of course she wanted a happy ending.

  Despite the way they had freely and passionately made love, despite the attraction that he knew she felt, five months apart from her husband had been enough to show her what life would be like on her own. Lily had six years invested in her marriage. He couldn’t blame her for going back to him, and he certainly had no intention of making it any harder on her than it probably already was.

  Still, he couldn’t believe that he was back here again: another woman, another broken heart. It was as though he had rewound the tape and pressed play all over again: each scene playing out in the same way.

  He hadn’t been looking for love, yet there he stood, now heartbroken over a romance that – while it had barely begun – was the closest thing to real that he had ever experienced. No one in his past, and no one in his future, did and could make him feel the way that Lily did. No matter what happened now, he knew that in finding her, he had found himself.

  __

  Jason appeared at Nathan’s office door on Monday morning, coffee in hand. “Give me some good news, Nate.”

  Nathan swiveled his chair around to face his boss. “He’s in.”

  “Hot damn! You guys did it!”

  Nathan nodded along. “That we did. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t say that it was more Lily than myself.”

  Why he felt the need to stand up for her at that moment, he couldn’t explain.

  “Is she in yet? Her office was empty.”

  “I couldn’t tell ya,” Nate responded noncommittally.

  “How was Santa Barbara? I mean, besides the obvious.”

  “It was good to get out of the city.”

  “I bet. Okay, Nate, when Lily gets in let’s get the two of you in my office and we can discuss the details and get Tanner in to make it official.”

  “You got it.”

  Nathan continued staring out the door long after Jason had gone.

  __

  Lily had awoken that morning feeling as though she was hung over from a night of binge drinking. She couldn’t recall what time Thomas had finally left, but it had been late – or early if you looked at it that way.

  Her usual two cups of morning coffee had done little, and she was still feeling ill as she wandered through her office door at ten-thirty.

  She didn’t look well, either. Her usually tidy hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun and she had – for the first time ever – skipped her contacts and worn her glasses to work. Her clothes may have been what she usually wore, but everything else about her was conducive to her frazzled state.

  Despite how she looked and felt, her heart was pounding quickly in her chest just knowing that Nathan was nearby. Santa Barbara, and all that had happened since, had changed everything. How could she possibly look at him the same?

  “Good, you’re here.”

  She looked up to see Jason standing in her doorway. “My office in five,” he said.

  “Sure.”

  Lily reached for her purse and dug out a small mirror from inside of it, giving herself a quick once over, cringing. She didn’t want Nate to see her this way; he would know everything just by looking at her, but she knew she didn’t have a choice.

  She knocked lightly on the doorframe before entering Jason’s office. He and Nathan were already deep in discussion. Both men paused and stared at her for a little too long as she sat down. She nervously tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

  Jason cleared his throat. “Nathan tells me that you guys got Tanner on the line.”

  Lily’s gaze shot over to Nathan. “I hadn’t heard.”

  Jason looked confused. “How is that possible?”

  “I had a family emergency and had to head back home from Santa Barbara a little early.”

  Hearing the word family come out of her mouth felt like a kick to Nathan’s gut.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “It will be,” she responded, “I’ll fill you in later.” She then turned to Nathan once again. “So we got him?”

  “We did.”

  “Excellent news, and excellent work you two. I knew you wouldn’t let me down. You make a great team.”

  Lily smiled, expecting Nathan to do the same, but his face remained impassive.

  “So,” Jason began, slapping his palms together. “Next steps…”

  Lily tried hard to listen and follow along, but she couldn’t help but wonder what was running through Nathan’s mind. No doubt he wasn’t happy that she hadn’t called or texted him last night, but Lily had thought it better to talk in person. There was too much she needed to say, too many questions that needed answering, starting with: did the special night they shared in Santa Barbara mean enough that they could they get past his agreement to Tanner’s condescending remark about her son being baggage?

  She wanted nothing more than to pull him aside, wrap her arms around him and have him tell her that everything was okay, but he seemed distant now, as though she wasn’t there in the room with him at all.

  The men rising to their feet snapped Lily out of her thoughts.

  “Get him in here as soon as you can, this week if possible. I want to get this in writing,” Jason instructed.

  “You got it,” Nathan responded and stepping past Lily, left t
he room. Lily hurried after him.

  “Nate? Nate do you have a second? I’d really like to talk.”

  “You did a great job with Tanner. I’ll let you know when I can get him in this week.” And with that, he was gone. Lily retreated to her office, shutting the door behind her. Something was definitely not right with him.

  Even as she drove home from work that night, she couldn’t reach any other conclusion: it was all simply too much for him. He had come to his senses.

  And she didn’t blame him one bit.

  __

  Long after she had put Ben down to sleep, Lily lay awake staring at the ceiling, longing to make sense out of what was happening to her life. Somehow, while still in the thick of her divorce, she had allowed herself to get involved with someone else. No matter how she spun it, there simply could be no positive outcome. What she needed was to be focusing on fixing herself, learning to be on her own, and making sure that the transition was as easy on Ben as possible.

  But days later, with these thoughts still on her mind, she knew that simply deciding not to pursue anything with Nathan didn’t mean that her heart was on the same page.

  “So explain to me what happened.” Christina had only barely sat down beside Lily before launching into conversation.

  “It was incredible, Chris. I haven’t felt that connected to someone… ever.”

  “So what changed?”

  “I’m worried that he thinks it was a mistake. He didn’t acknowledge what happened in California at all. Actually, he’s pretty much given me the cold shoulder since we got back.”

  “People are always saying that women are hard to decipher. I think they’ve got it backwards.”

  “Jesus Chris, I just didn’t see it going in this direction.”

  “Just talk to him. Seriously. He’s the one you should be having this conversation with.”

  “I don’t know, it just feels very… final. Like there’s nothing really to say.”

  “That’s ridiculous. You can’t just let this go.”

  Lily knew she sounded childish, but she couldn’t help it: her ego – and heart – was badly bruised.

  “Take some time to think of what you want to say to him, but you have to talk to him soon, Lil. You’re one step away from becoming that person.”

  “What person is that?”

  “Hi, I’m really sorry to inconvenience you but, uh, can you buy me some toilet paper, I’m all out. Or grab me a jug of milk if you happen to be at the grocery store? Oh, why don’t you come watch TV with me, I’m soooo lonely,” Christina teased.

  “You’re awful.”

  Christina shrugged. “You need someone to take care of you.”

  “I have people to take care of me. Like you.”

  “We can’t take care of you the way you need, Lily.”

  “Are you really saying this to me right now? I never pictured you as the ‘women need men to take care of them’ kind of woman.”

  “I’m not, it’s just that, well, I don’t know how to help you Lil.”

  “And a man will automatically know how to fix me?”

  “It’s not really that black and white, but yeah. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re not used to having to fend for yourself… not really. You lived on your own for what, a year before you moved in with Thomas? This is the first time you’ve really had to take responsibility for yourself. And now you have Ben to worry about too.”

  Lily looked down at her hands. “That’s an awful thing to say to me. I’m a thirty-two year old woman, of course I’ve taken responsibility for my life.”

  “I’m just saying that you were always ‘Thomas’ wife’ or ‘Bens’ mom’ but that you finally have the chance to just be Lily.”

  “Is that what you think? That I was just someone’s wife and someone’s mom?”

  “I’m only telling you this because I love you, but yeah, that’s how you came across, Lil. It’s not your fault, really, you just adapted to the role a little too well.”

  Lily’s mouth fell into a hard line. “I think you’re right: you don’t know how to help me.”

  “Lily…”

  “It’s fine, really. I get it. I’ve held you up long enough. Go to the movies or go out to eat, or whatever fun things you do that’s not sitting here with me.”

  Christina couldn’t help but laugh. “Do you hear yourself? It’s been over five months, Lil. Five months! Don’t you think it’s a little late for the pity party?”

  She rose from the chair and slipped her purse onto her shoulder, retrieving her keys from her pocket. “How about you call me when the real Lily makes an appearance.”

  Lily remained glued to her chair as Christina stormed out of the house, slamming the front door behind her. She stared at their empty wine glasses on the table in front of her, willing her hands to stop shaking. It was true that she knew she was a different person than before she got married, but that’s what happens: people grow up… they evolve.

  Apparently she had evolved into someone who constantly put her family’s needs above her own, so much so that she had lost herself in the process.

  Chapter 12

  Lily sat in her car; immobilized with anxiety, her eyes darting back and forth as she watched people, one after another, pass by her in the parking lot. It had been nine years; nine years since she had set foot in that building; nine years since she had said goodbye, the same way Thomas was about to.

  It had taken her more strength that she realized she had to get dressed and drive herself over there, and now she had nothing left… nothing that could make her walk in there, sit in that same room and say goodbye to another person she cared about.

  She reached for the key to start the ignition, jumping at the sound of a rapping against her window. Flustered, she let the key go and rolled down the window.

  “I thought that was you.”

  The fact that Thomas was smiling at her when he should have been falling to pieces was enough for her to remember one of the reasons she had fallen in love with him in the first place. He had always been the level headed one in the relationship, the one who could think clearly no matter the situation, the one she could depend on to hold things together when they were threatening to fall apart. If only he had been willing to work on their marriage when it had mattered.

  “Jesus, Lil, I thought we were doing better? I thought we were past all the jealousy.”

  “That’s when I thought it wasn’t justified! Remember how I thought it was all in my head? Oh that’s right, because you assured me that it was! And silly me, I believed you.” She stormed around the bedroom, absentmindedly filling an overnight bag with his belongings.

  “We’ll go back to therapy, we’ll work this out. We’ve come so far already, we can get past this too.”

  “No… that’s where you’re wrong. You can’t spend the last ten months ignoring me, treating me like I don’t exist, not even looking at me or touching me, and then go off and fuck someone else and think that’s okay.”

  “It meant nothing, it was a mistake.”

  “That’s what everyone says, Thomas. At least come up with something original!”

  “Well it’s the truth.”

  “Well I’m glad to see that you know what that is. But here’s the thing: it means something to me… you sleeping with another woman means something to me. It means something to this family. It means that I can’t look at you anymore. It means that I can’t keep torturing myself like this to try and hold this marriage together.” She tossed the bag onto the bed between them. “It means that it’s over.”

  Lily allowed herself to fantasize for a moment about what their lives would be like now if Thomas had fought for her marriage when it had counted, if he hadn’t been unfaithful and cold and cruel. She could imagine their summer weekends spent in Malibu, the way they had done when they were first married. Ben could grow up knowing and relishing the feel of sand between his tiny toes, the smell of the salty air in his hair and clothes. They c
ould spend their Christmas’ in Vermont with her father, the way they had talked about doing when Ben got a little older and could truly enjoy the snow. But more than all that, she could imagine how it would feel to have her family back together.

  “Is everything okay?” Thomas asked, opening her car door. Lily willed her body to move.

  “I should be asking you that.” He helped her out of the car and offered his arm for her to hold.

  “What would people say…?” she asked.

  “I don’t really care, do you?”

  “I suppose not.” She took his arm and together they walked across the parking lot towards the front door, where she stopped abruptly.

  “Shit Lil, I just realized…”

  “It’s okay. I can do this.” She stepped forward gingerly, feeling as though her legs were made of rubber. It briefly occurred to her how amazing it was that despite all she and Thomas had been through, that they could still be this way with each other. Friendly, almost.

  The room was exactly the way she remembered, down to the molding on the pews and the slight crack in the wall behind the podium that she had spent her mothers’ funeral staring at. Ignoring the murmurs as they walked in together, arm in arm, Lily allowed Thomas to lead her to the front of the room where his father and brothers were seated. Possessing better manners than the others in the room, they voiced their surprise with concerned looks that passed from one family member to the other.

  Chase cleared his throat and leaned over, presumably to whisper something in to Thomas’ ear. Lily caught only Thomas’ reply. “I don’t care what you think, she’s staying.”

  Lily looked down at her hands, nervously smoothing out the wrinkles in her dress and then reached out, tentatively touching Thomas’ wrist.

  “Maybe I shouldn’t have come,” she whispered.

  “I know you loved my mother, Lily. You have every right to be here to say goodbye. I’m glad that you’re here. I can’t imagine doing this without you.”