by Holly Jacobs
Everything was ready.
Though she hated not seeing Stephan this weekend, maybe, all things considered, it was for the best. Her parents’ visit was enough to deal with.
As if on cue, the doorbell rang.
No matter how often she said they didn’t need to ring the doorbell, they always did. Trying to work up a semblance of enthusiasm, Carolyn opened the door. “Mother.”
Her mother breezed into the foyer, and continued into the living room.
“Oh, it’s so good to get here. That drive between Columbus and Cleveland seems longer every time I do it.”
“It’s only a couple of hours,” Carolyn pointed out.
“Well, it seems longer,” her mother insisted. She looked assessingly around the room.
Carolyn could swear her mother was mentally white-gloving it. “Maybe, if the trip’s getting to be too much for you, you shouldn’t have come.”
Her mother stopped and shot her a sharp look. “That was more than a little rude, Carolyn. I thought I taught you better than that.”
“Sorry.” She waited, holding the door as her father brought in the bags. “Hi, Dad. You can put those in the guest room.”
“Thanks.” He hurried up the stairs.
“I started some coffee, thinking you might like a minute before we go to the Haven,” she called.
He turned around and smiled at her. “Coffee will be greatly appreciated.”
Carolyn went to the kitchen, her mother on her heels. She poured three cups, hoping her father would serve as a buffer between herself and mother. When she heard the TV in the living room that hope faded.
“Your father probably wanted to watch a game,” her mother offered by way of explanation. “I’ll just take him his cup.”
Carolyn sat down at the counter. She was weary and dealing with her mother would make it all that much harder. She used to think of her mother as quiet and reserved, now she merely seemed set in her ways. Spending so much time in the hospital with Emma with nothing to do but think, had led Carolyn to believe that her divorce and Emma’s accident had disturbed her mother’s sense of the status quo, and that’s why she’d been so difficult.
“Is Stephan still joining us?” her mom asked as she returned to the kitchen. Her expression left no doubt that the idea of Stephan visiting wasn’t one she was looking forward to.
“Mom, what on earth is this? You’ve always liked Stephan. You’re the one who called him when Emma—”
“I don’t dislike Stephan.” Her mother’s response couldn’t exactly be termed an answer. She sat down on a stool across the counter from Carolyn.
“But…” Carolyn prompted.
Her mother feigned a confused look, then took a long sip of her coffee.
“But…?” Carolyn asked again.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Mom, you make a better professor than an actor. What’s up between you and Stephan? You’re not still annoyed he didn’t talk me out of the hospital, are you?”
“No of course not, you were right, Emma needed you and I’m glad he was there to help.” She picked up her mug again.
“Then what? You’re going to have to spell it out because I don’t get it.”
Her mother set her mug down with more force than was required. It made a loud smack and coffee sloshed over the rim. “You’re married, Carolyn. And I can see that things between you and Stephan are more than friendly. Just like that summer before you started your senior year, I could see that things between the two of you had changed. I thought about putting my foot down, but in the end, you came to your senses on your own. I’ve been trying to stay out of it, trusting you’d come to your senses again, but I’ve had no indication of that happening.”
“I’m not married anymore. The divorce is final, Mom.”
Her mother shook her head. “You and Ross have a child together. You’re connected in a way that will never be over.”
“Mom, I know you’re not happy about the divorce. And to be honest, neither am I. I truly believed Ross and I would last, and it took me a long time to admit one person can’t hold a marriage together on her own.”
Her mother took a few napkins and mopped up the coffee from the counter. She didn’t meet Carolyn’s eyes as she said, “You know your father and I feel you need to try again. You made a vow.”
“So did Ross. That didn’t stop him from ignoring me when we were married. And worse, that didn’t stop him from ignoring his daughter. But because of you and Dad, and your nonstop harping about the sanctity of marriage, and the importance of Emma and Ross having a relationship, I pushed him, even after the divorce. I badgered him until he agreed to spend a whole day with her. If I hadn’t, maybe—” Guilt tore at Carolyn. If she hadn’t pushed Ross, maybe Emma wouldn’t have been in the accident.
“Carolyn,” her mother’s voice was sharp. “You blame us? I’m sorry about Emma, you know that. But your father and I still believe that you and Ross owe it to your daughter to make this marriage work.”
She didn’t blame her parents for the accident, but try as she might, she couldn’t ignore her anger over the other issues.
“Don’t you see, I always wanted to please you and Dad. I stayed with Ross for years because I didn’t want to disappoint you. I do believe that with the right people, marriage can be forever. But Ross and I were never right for each other. Still, maybe we could have made it work, but he didn’t want to. It takes two people for a marriage to survive Mother. I couldn’t do it on my own then, and I can’t do it now.”
“Carolyn—”
“And then you tried to take me away from Emma when she needed me most. Well, I was right about Emma, and I was right to leave Ross. You’ve always claimed to be a logical person, but recently I’m seeing that your idea of logic is really about control. You’ve decided what’s right for me, and think you can force me into doing it.”
“Emma deserves both her parents with her, helping her through this.” This time, her mother’s voice didn’t have quite the same conviction.
“And I’d like to think I deserved my parents, as well. I’d like you to be on my side, right or wrong. Just with me, supporting me.” Like Stephan, she thought.
“Carolyn, we love you. And we love Emma. We only want what’s best for you both.” Her mother took another napkin and wiped at the now-dry counter.
“Mom.” Carolyn waited and finally her mother stopped fussing with the napkin and looked at her. “Mom, what’s best is Stephan.”
“What you’re feeling for him, you’re sure it’s genuine, and not just you reaching out, trying to grab on to someone…to something?”
“Mother.” She should have known better than to try and change her mother’s opinion, try to really talk to her. Her parents viewed the world as very black and white. In their minds, she should stay with Ross, no matter how unhappy that made her. She could talk herself blue in the face and they’d never change their minds.
Well, she’d put up with the visit, but she wasn’t going to try and convince her mother of anything. What mattered was that she and Stephan knew what they had, knew where they were going.
Her parents would eventually learn to accept him in her life.
“Never mind,” Caro said. “Let’s go see Em.”
Things were awkward with her mother, and the only noise in the car on the ride to rehab was the radio. Carolyn led her parents down the maze of hallways to Emma’s room. Because Haven dealt with children, the hallways were less institutional than the hospital’s had been. The walls were covered with bright murals and corkboards filled with the children’s art. There were skylights that brought sunshine in, brightening the place up. There was still a heavy antiseptic smell, but Carolyn had long since given up caring about it. Her mother obviously hadn’t. She wrinkled her nose as they reached Emma’s room.
Carolyn glanced at her watch. Ten minutes until dinner. Good.
“She’ll be tired. She gets an afternoon break, but really the rest
of the day is spent in one therapy or another. This time of day she’s exhausted.”
“Thank you for the warning,” her mother said, her voice stilted.
“I just didn’t want you to think any moodiness on her part was because of you both.”
“That’s kind of you.”
“Are you two going to fight the entire visit?” her father, who was one of the quietest, most contemplative men she’d ever met, said with exasperation. “I came to see my granddaughter.”
“So did I,” her mother assured him.
“Then stop alternately harping or freezing Carolyn out and concentrate on seeing Emma.”
Surprised was a mild description of Carolyn’s reaction to her father’s outburst, but her mother had moved beyond anything Carolyn was feeling straight to shock.
“Shel…”
“Enough, Sandy.” There was a tone in his voice that brooked no arguments. “The girl’s got enough on her plate without us adding to it. Carolyn has a good head on her shoulders, and a good heart. She’ll do what’s right. Now, let’s go see Emma.”
Carolyn stood frozen a minute, not sure what to say or do. Finally, she opted not to say anything and simply opened the door. She let her parents go in first.
“…Papa…” Emma’s delight was evident, even if she lost the word for grandmother.
Carolyn could see her searching for it.
“Grandma,” she supplied.
Emma nodded and smiled as she found herself enveloped in her grandparents’ arms. Carolyn stood back in the doorway and let the three of them have their time. The door bumped against her back and she turned. “Ross?”
She hadn’t seen her ex in she didn’t know how long. He looked older. His dark hair was now well on its way to turning gray. But it wasn’t just that. There were lines and furrows around his face that spoke of pain. “Carolyn, I hope it’s all right that I—”
He didn’t get any further because Emma spotted him and squealed, “Daddy.”
He looked to Carolyn, who smiled and nodded. With her permission he hurried to his daughter’s side.
Her parents backed up, giving him access to Emma, who hugged him fiercely.
Carolyn met her mom’s eyes and could read the see, I told you so, in them.
Emma bubbled over with excitement and she insisted on getting out of bed to show her entourage her art projects she’d done in physical therapy. She leaned heavily on a walker with wheels on the back and tennis balls attached to the two front legs. It let the walker glide across the floor, without actually slipping.
She reached the wall opposite the bed and took a piece of paper down.
“It’s a pencil,” she explained as she held up a painting. “A cactus.”
Carolyn could see Emma’s frustration mounting. She’d have helped Emma find the word, but this was a new painting that she hadn’t seen herself yet.
“A…”
Emma looked at her helplessly.
“Sweetie, I’m not sure. It looks like a banana?” she tried. It was green, not yellow, but had that long shape.
Emma threw the paper onto the floor and a torrent of unrelated words mingled with her tears.
Carolyn went to her side. “Why don’t you all step out in the hall a moment while I get her calmed down?”
Her parents and Ross hurried out. Carolyn could see the relief in their expressions. She didn’t blame them.
“Em, honey, come on. Let’s get you into bed. Then, when you’ve calmed down, we’ll figure out what your picture was and you can tell your papa, grandma and dad when they come back in. Then we’ll help you with dinner and your bath, and you can have a story before we get you tucked in, okay?”
She tried to help Emma wheel toward the bed, but Emma dragged her feet. “No. No. No.”
Carolyn wanted nothing more than to sweep her daughter in her arms and soothe her, but she also knew that Emma hated being babied, and responded better to the same sorts of boundaries she’d always know. “Emma Rose Adams, I know you’re frustrated, and I’ll try to help you, but I’m still the mom and I’m still the boss, and it is time for dinner, then bed. Let’s go, young lady.”
Reluctantly, Emma moved forward and allowed Carolyn to get her resettled in bed. Then Carolyn went and picked up the discarded picture on the floor. “Let’s try this again. Can you tell me what it is?”
“Cows.”
“No, that’s not quite it. Let me look.” She studied the picture. A straight brown line with the greenish oval hanging from it. Suddenly she knew. “Cocoon?”
A look of relief spread across Emma’s face. Carolyn smoothed her daughter’s hair back. “Of course it’s a cocoon. I can see the branch it’s hanging from and the blue sky behind it. I’m sorry I didn’t see it at first. Now, why don’t you say it.”
“Cocoon.”
“That’s right. Again?”
“Cocoon.”
“Great. Now you hold on to that, and I’ll call your grandparents and father back in and you can tell them yourself what it is.”
Before she could get off the bed, Emma’s hands snaked around her neck and she hugged her tight. “Love you.”
“Now that I understood perfectly, Em. And I love you, too.” When their hug ended, Carolyn leaned down and kissed her daughter’s forehead. “Let me go get them.”
She rushed into the hall. “Crisis over.”
“I can’t believe our Emma acted like that,” her mother said.
“Mom, she’s had a traumatic brain injury. She is far more emotional than she was before. It’s hard for her to rein herself in. Add to that the daily trials of not being able to express herself, and her physical problems, and you’ve got the occasional outburst. You don’t have any idea how hard she works all day, every day. How much it’s taken for her to get this far.”
“I’m sorry I haven’t been here more,” Ross said. “I just—”
Carolyn cut him off. “You’re here now. You’re all here now, that’s what matters. So let’s go in and let Emma tell you about her picture, then we’ll start our evening routine. Emma finds having a set schedule settling.”
Her parents went through the door and before they’d made it more than a couple steps, Emma screamed, “Cocoon,” in triumph.
“A cocoon?” Carolyn’s dad said, immediately going to her side and taking the paper. “Well, of course it is. I don’t know why we didn’t see it before.”
Carolyn’s mother sped to the other side of Emma’s bed and joined her husband in oohing and aahing over the picture.
Ross held back. “Carolyn, I am sorry. This is all my fault.”
“Ross, neither of us can go there. We can’t afford to waste time trying to pin the blame. It was an accident. A horrible, tragic accident. But Emma’s here and getting better, and that’s a miracle. That’s what we have to concentrate on. So it’s up to you whether you stay in the picture.”
“I will,” he promised.
Carolyn nodded. “I’m sure Emma will be pleased. She misses you when she doesn’t see you. And I’m back at work, so I’m gone during the days.”
“What if I took my lunch hours and came to help?”
The question pulled Carolyn up short. “You could do that?”
“Yes.”
“Then I’m sure Emma would be delighted, and I’d feel better. You don’t think about the motor skills required to eat a meal, but there are a lot. The aides help with lunch, and I’ve been doing breakfast and dinner. But there aren’t enough aides to sit with her the whole meal. I’d feel better having you here. Thanks.”
“Carolyn, I know I haven’t helped you enough—”
“It’s not about me, Ross. It can’t be about me or you, or even our failed marriage. Right now, everything has to be about Emma.”
“You’re right. And I’ve let her down, but I’m going to try and do better. That’s all I can promise, to try.”
“That’s all we ask.” She had to know. “Why the change of heart?”
“
When you called me last night with the weekly updates, I was there. I’d stopped picking up because talking to you made me feel even guiltier. But I listened to you on the answering machine.”
“Why?” She’d tried so hard to keep her bitterness over Ross’s lack of interest out of any conversations. She only wanted to keep him in the loop about Emma’s progress.
“Carolyn, I’ve felt so small. I know I’ve let you down every step of the way. From before Emma was even born, if we’re both honest. Every time we talked, I could hear how tired you were, and I felt even smaller. That’s why I didn’t answer. I was disgusted with myself. And finally I knew I couldn’t go on like that, I either had to bow out completely or step up.” His eyes met hers.
Carolyn said pointedly, “Emma’s the one who needs you, who’s always needed you.”
He nodded, then walked across the room to their daughter.
“Cocoon,” Emma cried again.
“It’s a wonderful cocoon,” he assured her, as he leaned down to hug her.
Carolyn watched them all, her heart filled. They were her family.
Even Ross, though they’d divorced. Her mom was right in one respect, they were connected through Emma and always would be.
They were all a little battered around the edges, but they were a family.
Nothing would change that.
CHAPTER NINE
JULY PASSED WITH AGONIZING slowness, despite the fact Carolyn had been busy with Emma and the bookstore. There were days she didn’t feel as if she had a chance to breathe even once. She ran from the rehab center to work, then back to the rehab center. It was a treadmill, her new normal. But beneath the hectic pace, there was an underlying feeling of anticipation as she waited for August.
Ross had been true to his word, and become so much more involved with Emma. He’d come in every day on his lunch hour to eat with her, and when Emma had graduated to outpatient therapy the week before, he’d been there to help pack up her room and get her settled at home, even pitched in on transporting her to and from therapy.