by Holly Jacobs
It was minutes before either moved or spoke. They didn’t need words. They’d already told each other all they needed to know.
But eventually, Stephan said, “Wow.”
Carolyn couldn’t help but laugh. “You are so articulate.”
“Hey, you’re the one with a thesaurus-worthy vocabulary. How would you describe what we just did?”
“Marvelous, terrific, wonderful, wondrous, earth-shattering, extraordinary. Should I go on?”
“Show off.”
“Hey, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.”
“Do you suppose the girl in question could help me find my clothes? I seem to be missing my underpants.”
She giggled. “Man, I hate it when that happens. Do you remember our famous summer-fling undie incident?”
Stephan laughed. “I didn’t think George would ever shut up about that….”
1978
“UH, STEPHAN?”
George was at the cottage for a week due to a break in his football practice. He’d cornered Stephan on the deck. Stephan tried to stifle his annoyance. He just wanted to get to Spencer’s Rock and Carolyn. “What?”
“I took the car this afternoon with a couple of my buddies.”
Their father had bought a car for all three boys to share. Stephan had used it last night to take Carolyn to Port Clinton for dinner. He didn’t care if George used it tonight. “So?”
“I found these.” He reached in his pocket, and dangling from his finger tip was a pair of underwear.
A pair of women’s underwear.
Last night, after a particularly heavy make-out session in his car, they hadn’t been able to find Carolyn’s underpants anywhere in the dark, and they’d been afraid to turn on the lights and have their parents wondering what they were doing. Stephan had meant to come out and find them this morning, but when he’d gotten up, George was gone…so was the car.
“Maybe Frank’s got a new girl,” he tried.
“Now see here, big brother, I might believe that, but I know Frank hasn’t been here all summer, and I’m pretty sure these haven’t lingered in the car since his spring break. And I know they’re not from any girl I’ve dated, so…”
Stephan grabbed the panties. “I’ll take care of them.”
“You do that. And tell Carolyn to be more careful.”
“It’s not like that. Carolyn and I are just friends, you know that. We went swimming in Port Clinton and they must have fallen out of her bag.” He congratulated himself on the lie as he walked down the beach to where Carolyn waited.
He was pretty sure George had bought it. Even if he hadn’t bought it, there wasn’t much he could do about it.
“Stephan,” Carolyn called as he rounded the bend and came into view of Spencer’s Rock. “I didn’t think you’d ever get here.”
“George stopped me. He took the car before I could find these…” He pulled the panties from his pocket.
Her cheeks burned bright red. “I’m so embarrassed. Do you think he’ll tell?” She took the panties from him and shoved them in her bag.
“Well, he thought we were an item, but I think I have him doubting it.” They’d decided to keep their relationship secret from their families. It wasn’t that they were embarrassed by each other, it just felt as if what they had was too new, to unsteady to share.
“How did you explain them?” she asked.
“Said we were swimming yesterday and they must have fallen out of your bag.”
“You came up with that on the spot? I’d have simply turned a dozen shades of red and there would have been no way he wouldn’t have known.”
“I’ll look out for you,” he said, suddenly serious. “Always.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
“Good, because I sat out here all alone for such a long time waiting for you. I think you may have to look out for me tonight a lot.” She sat down on the blanket and patted the spot next to her.
“Oh?” He obliged her and sat down. “How do you want me to do that?”
“Come over a little closer and I’ll show you,” she promised with a giggle.
CAROLYN REMEMBERED HOW embarrassed she’d been at the thought of George finding her panties.
“He never could decide if he thought we were an item,” Stephan said, laughing at the memory. “Or if you really had just dropped them out of your beach bag. He needled me about it, but I stuck to my story and wouldn’t budge, much to his dismay.”
“You are a wickedly resourceful man, Stephan Foster.” She leaned down and retrieved his half-buried underwear. “Here you go. George will never be the wiser.”
“This was a nice reminder of that summer, but Carolyn—” he shook as much sand as he could out of his clothing “—next time we make love, I’d like to do it in a bed. I think I’m too old for sand everywhere.”
“You may have a point,” she agreed, shaking her own clothing out. She wanted the same thing. A night with Stephan in her bed.
Who was she kidding? She wanted every night with Stephan in her bed.
If he did indeed move to Cleveland, then that could happen. Could she let him do that? Give up everything to move for her? Part of her relished the thought. The other part worried that something would go wrong and she’d lose Stephan altogether.
They both finished dressing, dug into the picnic treats, then started toward the cottage. Carolyn’s concern about their changing relationship faded, and all that was left was a bone-deep sense of contentment just because she was holding Stephan’s hand. It had taken them a while to get there, but they’d made it.
The lights were blazing in the windows. Normally, she loved going into the house when it was all lit up, warm and inviting. But she didn’t want tonight to end. She wanted to hold on to this moment, etch it into her memory so when she and Stephan were old and gray, she could pull it out and savor it, remembering the sweetness of it.
“Maybe we could sit out here for a bit longer. Emma’s surely gone to bed.”
“I’d like that.” They took spots on the edge of the deck, looking out at the dark lake water. Thigh touching thigh. Her shoulder falling somewhere mid bicep on him.
Carolyn savored the sensation. “Tell me about the job offers. I realize in all the excitement I didn’t ask.”
Stephan filled her in on the large Cleveland law firm that had offered him an associate’s position, and about an old college friend who’d gone into solo practice and was looking to take on a partner. “It’s a small practice, not nearly as prestigious as the firm would be, and he’s not actively looking to expand. He said he’d know if the right opportunity, the right partner came along, and when I called about moving to Cleveland, he knew it was right.”
“Smart man,” Carolyn said. “I like him already.”
He placed an arm over her shoulder.
She leaned into him, feeling at home. “Which one do you think you want?”
“I hadn’t made up my mind yet. The bigger firm would be more financially reliable, but I hate the idea of starting at the bottom again. Being a partner with Chris is riskier, but I’d be in control. I’d take the cases that interested me, not just what was assigned.”
“But you haven’t made up your mind yet?” she teased. “Because that’s not how it sounds to me.”
He laughed. “Maybe you’re right.”
“You’ll find that I generally am.”
He tightened his arm, giving her a squeeze, and Carolyn happily pressed into him. “It’s been magic tonight, Stephan. I’m worried that tomorrow I’ll wake up and find this was all a dream. That something will change and in the end I’ll lose you.”
“It’s not a dream. We can make this work.”
It was easy to believe that, sitting with Stephan, watching the stars glow against the lake. But she wasn’t sure it would be so easy in the morning when the realities of the world set in. Emma’s ongoing rehabilitation, Stephan having to uproot himself from his home, leave his fath
er’s firm…
“I’ll stay here in Heritage Bay, as planned, then go back and give Dad my notice. I could be in Cleveland before autumn really starts. I’ll be able to help with Emma.”
“As much as having you around sounds wonderful, you know that’s not why—”
He interrupted. “I think we’ve both confirmed in our minds that this isn’t about my wanting to rescue you, or your needing to be rescued. You’ve proven you can deal with it all on your own. But I’ll be there, and I want to help.”
“It just seems that so many things are stacked against us. My parents aren’t going to be thrilled, and I can’t imagine your father will be happy to lose you. You’d be struggling to get a new practice off the ground, and I’ll still be juggling Emma and work. Where does that leave us?”
“Working hard for something that could be so good. I can see it, Caro. You and me, growing old together.”
She allowed herself to fall into the fantasy. “Coming to Heritage Bay every summer with Em. Next year she’ll be running down the beach, chasing shadows.”
“We’ll be running right beside her,” he promised.
Carolyn tried to picture it. The three of them chasing the shadows across the beach. Laughing. Loving. A beautiful life, if they could get past all the hurdles. “I think—”
The sliding glass door opened behind them. “Carolyn, there you are.”
She turned and smiled at her mom, waiting for her disapproving sniff.
Her mother didn’t sniff, though. She returned her smile, looking genuinely pleased. “Carolyn, I’m glad you’re back. I have a surprise. There’s someone here to see you.”
Carolyn and Stephan both stood and started in the house. Stephan took her hand and gave it three quick squeezes. Knowing he was there, supporting her, made all the difference.
Her mom was simply going to have to get over it because Stephan would be around for a long time to come. But she wasn’t having a showdown with her mom tonight. She was just too happy.
“Who’s here?” she asked.
“Carolyn.” Ross stepped through the door.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
“ROSS? WHAT ARE YOU doing here? You didn’t have time with Emma scheduled until next week.”
“I came to talk to you.” As if noticing Stephan for the first time, he gave a curt nod. “Foster. Do you mind if I talk to my wife in private?”
“Ex-wife,” she reminded Ross. Then looked at Stephan and smiled.
“No problem.” Stephan leaned down and kissed her cheek. “I’ll talk to you in the morning.”
“I had a lovely time,” she said, knowing that lovely didn’t even begin to cover it.
“Me, too.” He leaned closer, his words only for her ears. “There will be many more nights like tonight. A lifetime of them.” Then turned and started across the path to the Fosters’ cottage.
“You wanted to speak to me,” Carolyn said to her ex, her gaze lingering on Stephan’s retreating form. As if Stephan sensed that she was watching him, he turned and waved before melting totally into the dark.
“In private?” Ross suggested.
That pulled her up sharp. Her mom said, “I’ll just leave you two alone. I’ll be in the house with Shel if you need me.”
“Don’t worry, Sandy. Why don’t we go out on the deck, Carolyn?” He reached for her hand, but she pulled it back. He didn’t seem to notice her quick withdrawal, so continued, “I remember how you used to try and get me to come out here with you, to take a break from work. But whenever I did, I was kicking and screaming, and I hurried back to Cleveland as quickly as I could.”
They walked outside and Carolyn stared down the beach. Moments ago it had seemed magic, and nothing in Carolyn wanted to be standing here sharing it with her ex-husband. She wanted Stephan. She wanted to sit on the porch all night talking about their future, about the life they were going to build together. She needed Stephan’s vision to buoy the dream for her, to quell her fears and reassure her.
Ross steered her toward a corner of the deck. In the distance, the waves seemed loud and harsh as they smacked into the rocky sand. The air that had seemed crisp and refreshing suddenly felt too cold for August. A chill crept up her spine and she wished she’d brought a sweater.
Or just wished she could go in the house, period.
She didn’t want to be here.
The silence between them seemed to go on forever, before Ross finally broke it and said, “I should have listened to you.”
“Ross, it’s okay. It’s over now.”
“Don’t you see, it’s not okay?” He turned to her, the moon becoming a backdrop, providing enough light for her to make out the pain in his expression. “Hindsight is twenty-twenty and I’ve done nothing but look back ever since Emma’s accident. I keep seeing all the times I went wrong.”
She didn’t know what to say to that, so she remained quiet. Ross was also quiet and she wondered if that’s all Ross had to tell her. If it wasn’t, she desperately wished he’d get to the point. She wanted to go in the house and call Stephan.
“Carolyn…” Ross trailed off.
This time she stopped him. “Ross, what did you need to say that would have you driving from Cleveland to Heritage Bay in the middle of a work week? I know you hate making the drive. It will be late before you get home tonight. What was so important?”
She hoped he’d say, Emma.
Ross had been such a part of Emma’s life recently. He was trying, and Carolyn would do whatever she could to make that easier. “You know I’ll help your relationship with Emma in any way I can.”
“This does concern Emma,” he said slowly. “It’s about us…and Emma, of course.”
She stopped dead still. “Ross, there is no us,” she said gently. “There hasn’t been an us in a long time, since long before the divorce, if you’re honest.”
“That’s just it, I think we made a mistake. We should have tried harder for Emma’s sake.” He paused and corrected himself, “I should have tried harder. I want another chance.”
For so long, Carolyn had waited to hear those words, and now she just wanted him to stop. “Ross, two people can’t stay married for the sake of their child. I thought they could. I tried to make our marriage work, but I couldn’t. No one person can do that by themself.”
“That’s exactly it, you shouldn’t have to do it all by yourself. I want us to try again. This time I’ll be right beside you, the whole way. Emma deserves both her parents. She needs us both.”
“Ross, she has us both. For a long time, I was angry at you—at myself, too. But that’s past. We’ve been doing such a great job at getting along, supporting Emma. We’re building a relationship that puts our daughter first.”
“I agree, we have been doing a great job,” he said. “But we’re not putting Emma first. We’re putting ourselves first. Your mother’s right about that. I think we can make a go of it. Of being married again.”
“The thing is, Ross, getting along isn’t enough to make a marriage work. You don’t love me, and—” She was afraid that the words would sound harsh, but she knew she had to say them anyway. So, as carefully as possible, she added, “And I don’t love you. Not the way a wife should love a husband. I think we have it in us to be friends, though.” The last sounded lame to her own ears. “I’m sorry.”
Ross’s shoulders slumped, and Carolyn was pretty sure that was genuine disappointment on his face. “Ross, I do care for you. We’ll always be a part of each other’s lives because of Emma.”
“Maybe I want more.”
“I’m not sure you do. I’m no psychiatrist, but right after the accident—”
“I walked away and left you to deal with Emma’s condition.” The words sound as if he’d ripped them from some deep secret place. A confession, as such.
“You were hurting yourself,” she said softly. “It was a drunk driver, Ross.” They’d had word that the man had lost his license as a result of the accident and had been sentenced to two
years probation and mandatory alcohol counseling. It wasn’t enough. Not nearly enough. Carolyn worked hard to control her bitterness about the lack of justice for Emma, who would spend the rest of her life dealing with implications from the driver’s mistake. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“But it was more than that. Before her accident there were all the visits I missed, all the ones I canceled. All the times I let you both down. It was easier to stay away and not face the enormity of my mistakes. But, Carolyn, I’ve faced them now. I’ve looked at the past, looked at everything I’ve done wrong, and I want to try again.”
She sat on wooden porch railing. “I understand your guilt, because I felt guilty, too.”
“You?” He sat next to her.
“Me. If I hadn’t been forever pushing at you to spend time with Emma, you wouldn’t have picked her up that day, and I wouldn’t have gotten that knock on the door.”
The blackest moment in her life came rushing back, as if it were yesterday, instead of six months ago…
CAROLYN FELT HAPPY, despite the cold February wind that was beating at the windows.
She was almost through painting the living room of the small Parma house that she’d bought after the divorce. It was just outside Cleveland, only two miles from her bookstore, and in a good school district.
It was a pale-yellow, two-bedroom bungalow that had a tiny yard with a huge oak tree that would canopy it come summer. She’d asked Ross to help her put a swing on the front porch, but so far he hadn’t found the time. It was too cold to really enjoy it, but she thought it would look inviting, despite the snow on the ground.
Maybe today she’d figure out a way to hang it herself.
Ross not having time was something that hadn’t changed since they’d divorced. Carolyn simply didn’t find it as upsetting. They’d kept things friendly and amicable, which seemed to be rare.
She poured more paint into the tray, and ran the roller through.