by Holly Jacobs
“Stephan, she has a child with Ross. A little girl who’s been through a huge trauma. Carolyn’s taking a moment to think doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. Damn, Stephan, we’ve all always known she loves you, and that you love her. Always. Growing up, you two would occasionally let me tag along, but I was always the odd man out. You two…well, you were complete together. Even then, I knew. One of the things you love about her is that deep sense of honor. The way she parents Emma. Putting her daughter first. Part of that means she has to take at least a few hours and work this through.”
He set the cases down with a loud thump. “I gave her the engagement ring.”
George came in and flopped on the bed. “I thought you said you were going to take it slow?”
Stephan sat next to him. “I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket, sort of like a talisman. I didn’t even realize what I was doing until I handed it to her, and told her that’s what I’d been planning for us. That I was going home and waiting for her to decide.”
George shook his head. “You can’t just toss an ultimatum like that at a woman, especially not Carolyn Kendal.”
“The hell I can’t.” He had fights with Carolyn before, but she’d never hurt him as she had today.
“You know, for a smart guy, you can be really stupid,” George said.
“Thanks, George.”
“No problem, bro.” He slapped Stephan on the back. “Give her a minute to catch her breath and she’ll realize what she has to do. Hell, I have no doubt what she’ll do. How can you?”
“Maybe that’s the problem. I do have doubts. I spent most of the summer in Detroit and purposefully gave her some space to be sure what we had wasn’t just because she needed me, needed my support during Emma’s illness. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe she did just need someone to cling to, and I was on hand.”
George stared hard at Stephan. “I’ve always thought you were the brainiest of all of us, but I take that back. You are one of the dumbest men I’ve ever met.” Looking utterly disgusted, he turned and left.
Stephan knew he could stay and fight for her, but he didn’t want Carolyn to be some prize that either he or Ross walked away with. He wanted her to be with him because she wanted to be with him. Because she knew they were destined to be together.
There. He’d admitted it to himself. He was a hopeless romantic. He wanted Carolyn to love him enough to pick him. To choose him.
Maybe George was right. Maybe it was a mistake. But he wasn’t going to pressure her. He’d wait for Carolyn. He just hoped it didn’t take her too long to decide. He’d already waited thirty years.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CAROLYN TOYED WITH the ring box in her pocket as she sat on the back deck. Ross and Emma were still out, and she wasn’t in the mood to deal with her mother and her lectures on staying married.
What she was in the mood to do was rage over Stephan Foster. He was one of the most frustrating men she’d ever met. That shouldn’t come as any surprise, not after all these years. But to hand her an engagement ring and issue what in essence was an ultimatum…marry me or else.
“You thought about my proposal?” Ross came up from behind her.
Carolyn jumped. She hadn’t heard the door open. “You’re back.” She knew her voice held no enthusiasm, but while she was mad at Stephan—who, for once, didn’t understand her—she was even more angry at Ross for putting her in this position in the first place.
He didn’t seem to notice, as he sat next to her and smiled. “Emma and I spent our morning perfecting the art of paper-boat making. She had some problems because of her right hand.”
Her concern for Emma overrode her anger at her ex. “It’s still so weak. I hadn’t thought about folding boats requiring fine motor skills, but I guess they do. Maybe I should—”
“It’s okay. We came up with a method. She mainly held the paper with her right hand and did the rest left-handed. It wasn’t exactly speedy, but it worked. And I’m pretty sure she’s building an armada, one boat at a time. We were going to go to the store and buy supplies, if that’s okay with you.”
Ross hadn’t driven with Emma in the car since the day of the accident. Carolyn knew he wasn’t simply asking for permission to take Emma to the store, he was asking if Carolyn could trust him to drive their daughter.
“She’s your daughter, too. It’s fine with me.”
“But, what if—”
“It was a fluke accident, Ross. Nothing that you did. Take her to the store. It’s time.”
He smiled. “I’ll confess, I’m nervous.”
“I trust you with our daughter,” she said, and realized she meant it. Not just on a physical level, but emotionally. There was a time she didn’t trust Ross with Emma’s feelings. But that had changed. Since he started coming to the nursing home to feed Emma lunch, he’d been so caring toward her. He’d finally understood what was important.
“About us?” He paused when she didn’t answer. “You have thought about it?”
“Ross, I have. I thought about it, I’ve done nothing but think about it. I twisted it every way there was, but my answer’s still the same. No. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself to a marriage that never really worked in order to have a relationship with Em.” She paused and added, “And neither do I.”
“Did you see how happy she was to find me here this morning and spend a day with me? Imagine how happy she’d be if we told her we’re giving it another try,” he pressed.
Carolyn couldn’t look at his earnest expression, so she turned and looked out over the water. The lake was placid today, which seemed at odds with the turmoil roiling inside her. “Ross, that sort of emotional blackmail is beneath you. Imagine how unhappy she’d be if we gave it another try and it didn’t work. And it couldn’t work. I just don’t love you, and I think you have to admit, you don’t love me, at least not the way a man and woman should love each other.”
“I do love you.” There was defiance, not tenderness in the words.
She looked away from the lake, and back at him. She waited.
After an awkward silence, he hesitantly admitted, “But you’re right, it’s more like the love for a friend. I know you, Carolyn, and you know me. There’s a sense of the familiar. Maybe we could build on it…” He let the sentence trail off.
There was that. A certain comfort in knowing exactly what she’d be getting in a relationship with Ross. Once, that might have been enough, but now? It wasn’t enough—wasn’t nearly enough—to convince her to go back.
She didn’t say anything. Ross would figure it out soon enough.
Finally, he said. “You’re right. I have to confess, I really didn’t think it would work.”
She leaned over and kissed his cheek. “We’ve formed a good friendship. We both put Emma first, and these last few months we’ve pulled together toward that end. I don’t want to mess that up.” He was hiding something. They might not be married anymore, but she could still read him. “So, what brought all this on?”
“Your mother felt—”
“Ah, my mother.”
“Don’t be mad at her, Carolyn. She’s worried about you and Emma.”
Mad? She’d gone beyond mad. It wasn’t enough that her parents weren’t there for her when she needed them most, now they wouldn’t leave her alone? “I’ll take care of my mother. But I need to know that you and I are okay. It matters to Emma. And it matters to me.”
“We’re fine. And maybe I should have said this a long time ago, but I respect you so much, Carolyn.”
“Thanks.” She grinned.
He laughed.
She felt her tension ease. “I think you’ve got a date with a little girl and the craft store. If you can spare another night, you’re welcome to stay. To be honest, if you’d watch Emma this evening, it would help me out.”
“I’d like that. You’re sure your parents won’t mind my crashing on the couch again?”
“Ross, we might not be married, but you’re still fam
ily. Nothing’s ever going to change that.”
She stood, anxious to go find Stephan. She needed to explain, to tell him everything.
Ross stood, as well. “It wasn’t just that you don’t love me, it was that I was too late, wasn’t I?” he asked.
“Pardon?”
“You and Stephan, you’re an item?”
She felt shy admitting it. She didn’t want to hurt Ross, but he needed to understand. “Yes.” She remembered Stephan’s words, and added, “And I have to follow my heart.” Right now, it felt shaky, but she believed they’d make it through.
“Good for you, Carolyn. He’s a good man.”
She hadn’t expected Ross to say that. “Yes, he is. And I have a few things I need to tell him, if you don’t mind.”
“No problem. I’ll let your mom know I’m staying another night.”
“Fine.”
Her mom. One more thing that needed to be dealt with, but Stephan came first. They had a future to plan.
She made it halfway across the path, when she saw Stephan’s car backing out of the Fosters’ drive.
He was really going to do it. Just pack his bags and leave.
“Mommy, are you coming with us?” Emma asked.
“No, this is your special time with your father. Enjoy it.”
She watched them go. Emma’s walker was a problem on the rocky drive, and Ross, realizing it, picked her up and carried it and Emma to the car.
Carolyn went inside the cottage.
“He’s a good father,” her mother said, coming up behind her.
“Yes, he is…now.”
“And he was a good husband.”
Carolyn turned to face her mother. “Unfortunately, not so much.”
“Carolyn.” Her mother’s voice was stern.
“Mom, I love you, and I appreciate that you worry about me, but what I had with Ross was never good. What I have with Stephan is different. Special. All that’s left between Ross and me is Emma. And that’s not enough to build a life on, no matter how much I love her.”
“But—”
“I need to have you behind me on this. This is a huge change, and I’m nervous. I believe what I’m doing is the right thing for everyone, but that doesn’t make it any less scary. I need my parents, supporting me.”
“Did I ever tell you about the time your father left us?” her mother asked, abruptly.
“Dad left you?” Her parents had always seemed the perfect pair. Similar tastes and dispositions. They fitted together in a way that made it hard to imagine one without the other.
Her mother nodded. “You were maybe two, and things had been stressful. You were a colicky baby, and even once you got over that hurdle, you were never a good sleeper. I don’t think I slept a night through for your first two years. So, let’s just say I wasn’t at my best, and your father…That’s not fair. Both of us are creatures of order and habit. And for the first few years of your life, there was no order, no routine. And maybe I’ll sound like a horrible mother, but I resented staying home and not teaching. Your father’s life hadn’t changed, at least not during the day. He went out and taught, saw people, while I stayed home with you. And things got shaky between us. Very shaky. Until finally, after a horrible fight, he left.”
“Oh, Mom, I’m sorry.” She didn’t know what else to say to her mother’s revelation. She’d never suspected her parents had had a rough patch. They’d always seemed so solid.
“His father, your grandfather, was a minister, and he practically dragged your father home to me. He sat us both down and told us divorce wasn’t an option. We’d created a child together and forged a life. Maybe right now it wasn’t a good life, but it was up to us to make it work. And we did. Your father juggled his schedule, and I started back at the college, teaching part-time. I felt better, and maybe that’s all it took for you to feel better. You became a much easier baby, or maybe it just seemed that way to me. Either way, your father and I muddled through those bad years, and came out stronger on the other end.”
“And all this time, you assumed Ross and I could do the same.” It was a statement more than a question.
Her mother nodded. “But it’s not going to happen, is it?”
“Ross and I could try, but Mom, I don’t love him anymore, and I’m not sure if he ever loved me the way I need to be loved. The way Stephan loves me. I’d like to have your support,” she said for a second time. “Your blessing. But even if you can’t give them to me, I’m still going to be with Stephan.”
She thought her mother was going to argue, but then she softly said, “You asked me once before to stand behind you, to give you strength, and I didn’t listen. You needed me to believe that Emma was going to get better, and instead—”
“You did what you thought was best. That’s what you’ve always done for me, what you thought was best. That’s enough, Mom. I love you.”
“We love you, too.”
Carolyn reached out and took her mom’s hand. “Stephan makes me happy in ways Ross never could.”
Her mother drew a deep breath. “Then, I’m happy for you, and glad you and Ross can be friends.”
Carolyn knew how difficult that had been for her mother. Sandy Kendal was a woman very set in her ways, in her opinions. “Thanks, Mom.”
She’d settled things with her mother and with Ross. There was just one more person she needed to talk things through with.
“Mom, Ross is spending one more night. Do you think you could help him manage Emma?”
“You’re going after Stephan?” her mother asked.
“Yes.” Her mother leaned over and hugged her, and for the first time in a long time, Carolyn felt connected to her. All the anger, all the resentment was gone.
Carolyn tightened her hug a moment before releasing her mom. “Thanks.”
“Call me when you get to Stephan’s so I know you’re okay.”
“I will.” She ran to her room, needing a few things for the trip, then hurried to the Fosters’. She knocked on the door, impatient to be on her way.
“Carolyn,” Stephan’s mom said as she approached the screen.
“Mrs. Foster, I know Stephan left for Detroit. I have to see him and clarify a few issues with him, but I’m afraid I’ve never been to his house. Do you think you could help me with directions?”
Mrs. Foster studied her a moment, and whatever she saw made her smile. “Just be good to him.”
“I plan to.”
“George,” Mrs. Foster called out.
Stephan’s brother stepped out from around the corner. He looked enough like Stephan that a stranger would realize they were related, but he was broader, and there was a definite glimmer in his eyes that spoke of mischief. He grinned, not the least bit chagrined to have been caught eavesdropping. “Come on, I’ll hook you up with directions.”
When George had mapped out her trip, he said, “He does love you.”
Carolyn wasn’t sure what to make of George, the comic, suddenly being so serious. “I know. It’s not going to stop me from kicking his butt for leaving like this, but just in case you missed it, I love him, too.”
“Yeah, I know.” He grinned. “He’s a lucky guy. But you?” He shook his head. “Poor girl. You don’t just get stuck with Stephan, you get all of us.”
There, that was the George she knew. She laughed and replied, “Somehow I think I’ll survive.”
Fifteen minutes later, Carolyn was on the road.
She tried listening to the radio, but her mind was in too much of a tangle to manage it.
Stephan had proposed. Well, at least she was pretty sure handing her a ring box was a proposal of sorts. And if Stephan thought he could get out of their engagement, or their engagement to be engaged, he had another think coming. He also couldn’t get out of a real proposal. She wanted it all.
Watching him drive away from her, had been rather a theme in their relationship.
1971
“WE’RE GOING IN AN HOUR.” Stephan had com
e to find Carolyn at Spencer’s Rock.
Carolyn knew he was leaving today, but she didn’t like it, which is why she was on top of the rock. Her mom would say she was pouting, but she wasn’t. She was thinking. “I wish you didn’t have to go.”
Stephan shrugged. “Mom and Dad said, so we have to.”
“Are you coming back this year?” She looked down at Stephan, still standing next to the rock.
He shook his head. “Nah. Mom’s closing up the cottage.”
“So, I guess I’ll see you next summer.”
“Yeah. You gonna come wave?”
Every time Stephan left, whether he was going home for a few days, or going home at the end of the season, Carolyn would stand in the driveway and wave until he was out of sight. It had become a tradition.
Sometimes it seemed like all she did was wave goodbye to Stephan. She really didn’t want to see him off this time, but she knew he wanted her to. So, she followed him to the car, said goodbye to his mom and brothers, then watched as he got into the car.
His mom pulled their station wagon out of the drive.
Stephan stuck his head out the window and called, “See ya same time next summer.”
One of the grownups had said that once, and Carolyn and Stephan had claimed the phrase as their own.
“Same time next summer,” she called back.
Mrs. Foster slowly drove up the street. Carolyn waved until she couldn’t see the car anymore.
Sometimes the only thing that kept her going was that there would always be a next summer.
STEPHAN OPENED THE DOOR. “You’re here.” It was one of those state-the-obvious moments that everyone occasionally has. Stephan wished he hadn’t said the words and had said something iconic instead. Here’s looking at you, kid, or the like.
Carolyn’s expression told him she was annoyed. “May I come in?” she asked, her voice tight with control.
She was working hard to look reasonable, and maybe some people would have bought the routine, but he’d known her too long to be fooled.