Stern

by Bruce Jay Friedman

  “No warm,” the man said. “You have to ask the boss.”

  Doroff had overheard the exchange. He had had fights with Stern's boss, Belavista, down the street, and now he said, “All right on the warm. Is that what you get working for Belavista? Ulcers?” Doroff's use of the plural form brought a flood of tears to Stern's eyes. Ulcers. Fabiola had spoken of only one, and now he pictured a sea of them fanning out inside him. The girl giggled and Stern knew that he had lost all chances to get at her legs. He rose, his body hooked in a curve of pain, and whispered, “I've only got one,” and then flew through the drugstore muttering, “Where do you gopher this, where do you gopher that.” He wanted to holler out “Where do you gopher shit?” but he was certain Doroff would call out a number, sixty-two, and a drugstore plan would go into operation in which all eight countermen would loyally spring over the grill and trap Stern against the paperback books, hitting him in the stomach a few times and then holding him for a paid-off patrolman.

  Stern, who wrote the editorial material on product labels, traveled eight floors upward to his office now, where he was greeted by his secretary, a tall, somber girl with gently rounded but sorrowful buttocks. She had lost both parents beneath a bus, and although she served Stern with loyalty, she placed a dark and downbeat cast upon all events.

  “I've got something lousy in me and I've got to go away,” Stern said. “Tell Mr. Belavista I want to see him. I've got to get wound up here so I can get out.”

  “What is it?” she asked. “The worst?”

  “No, it's not the worst,” Stern said. “But it's lousy and I'd rather not have it in there.”

  “Things like that take a long time to get cleared up,” she said. “All right, do you want the bad news now?”

  “What do you mean, bad news?” Stern asked. “All right, give it to me.”

  “The mail hasn't come yet and you've got someone who's been waiting on the phone.”

  “Is that it?” Stern asked.

  “Yes,” she said.

  “That's not so bad,” said Stern. “Why do you have to make everything sound so terrible?” She walked away and Stern studied her buttocks, rising easily beneath her black skirt. On any other girl, they would have been appealing, but he could not detach them from what he knew about her and they seemed as a consequence downbeat and sorrowful; touching them would have been reaching into a grave.

  Stern picked up the phone and the voice said, “Loudon here. I've got something you're going to want and I'll only take a second.”

  “Something lousy happened to me,” said Stern, “and I'm not doing any business. I just want to get wound up here a minute.”

  “I'll just be a second. Here it is. Hamburg has become the wickedest city in the world. Each year thousands of tourists troop there to visit its sin spots and to be fleeced by B-girls who know every trick of the trade. Strippers along the Reeperbahn go further than in any city in the world and, if you know the right places to go, further. Outwardly having no bordellos, Hamburg actually has many, and although its prosperous citizens pretend to have no knowledge of its wickedness, scratch the surface of any old-time Hamburgite and he'll direct you to the door of an establishment where flourishes the oldest profession in the world. That's about it. I go on from there detailing with anecdotes some of the more sordid practices in this bawdy city, which has replaced Paris as Europe's mecca of sin. What do you think?”

  “What do you mean?” Stern asked.

  “That's it. I want to do an article of say six thousand words on it for you. I can have it ready in two weeks.”

  “I do labels,” Stern said. “For consumer products.”

  “You don't think you can work it in?” the voice asked.

  “I do labels,” Stern said. “And I don't feel good.”

  Stern chewed Fabiola's stomach pills and waited for his only assistant, Glover, to end his phone conversation. A tall, yellow-haired man who frowned continually, as though the sun were in his eyes, Glover spent hours on the phone each day, exchanging anecdotes with an elaborate network of friends. Glover viewed all people and listened to all remarks with pursed lips and then assigned them a rating that seemed to have been arrived at by a Board of Good Taste, staffed by witty, wafer-thin, impeccably dressed men whose job it was to continually evaluate behavior. Glover was their branch representative in Stern's office. When Stern commented on the summer heat, Glover would pause, purse his lips, and say, “You may not know it, but you've just made one of the seven best weather remarks of the season.” His ratings were enervating to Stern, as when he prefaced an item of gossip by saying, “There are only five people in America who would appreciate this story. You're one of them.” Stern wanted to tell him to spend less time on the phone, but he was afraid Glover, his body trim and supple from ballet exercises, would first fly at him in an effeminate rage and then pass along the episode to the Board, which would adjudge Stern “one of the three crudest men in America.”

  “I've got to tell you the season's funniest tapered slacks anecdote.” Glover said, entering Stern's office. I'm passing this on to only four friends of mine.”

  “I'd like to listen, but I can't now,” Stern said, certain the Board would get immediate notification of his conduct. “I've found out I've got something in me and I've got to go away for a while.”

  “Growing in you?” Glover asked, slightly amused. Stern was aware that “one of the three funniest sickness descriptions of the summer” was taking form.

  “No, just in there,” Stern said. “I'm not sure what it's doing.” Stern had the feeling that ulcers would be frowned upon by the Board as being dirty, Jewish, unsophisticated, only for fat people, and he was careful not to identify his condition. Only dueling scars and broken legs suffered while skiing would receive high grades.

  “Anyway,” Stern continued, “I want you to take over and keep the labels coming.” He turned his head away and said, “Long telephone calls aren't good. You might keep them short.”

  Glover's face swiftly filled with color. He darted toward Stern's desk with vicious ballet grace, shrieked, “I do my work,” and Stern, frightened, whispered, “Then make long ones,” and went past Glover's coiled body to Belavista's office.

  Waiting outside his boss's suite, Stern felt a growing flatness and wondered suddenly whether Dr. Fabiola wasn't perhaps deceiving him and planning to “go in” after all. Stern had a memory of a glum morning long ago when he had worn a starched shirt and been brought in a taxi at dawn to have his tonsils removed. He had gone along sweetly and had not cried, feeling that something would come up, the hospital would be closed, or someone would discover his tonsils were really fine after all; but when he arrived, serious men had undressed him and brought a giant cup down over his face while he struggled and clutched at the air. Stern imagined himself sleeping at Fabiola's rest home and men stealing into his room at night with the same smothering cup.

  Stern looked in now at Belavista, a middle-aged man with giant feet and large, wood-chopping teeth. He was born in Brazil, and the natural charcoal of his face was reinforced by frequent visits to Rio de Janeiro. Belavista had $3,000,000, and it was upsetting to Stern that there was no way to tell by looking at him that he had that much money. He might have been a man with $300,000 or even $27,500, and Stern felt that if you had millions, there ought to be a way for people to tell this at a glance. A badge you got to wear or a special millionaire's necktie.

  Stern felt that if you had that much money, you ought to fill up every minute with $3,000,000 things, ones you couldn't do if you didn't have that much money. During conferences with Belavista, Stern found it unnerving to think that they were both spending minutes of life together in exactly the same way, despite the fact that his Latin boss had spectacular sums of money and Stern had only $800. When Belavista ordered a rare tropical fruit salad for lunch, it depressed Stern. It would come from a fine restaurant and the fruit would be of gourmet succulence, and yet it was within the reach of people who had only $300 in t
he bank.

  Belavista was the only multimillionaire Stern had ever known, and in his presence Stern trembled with awe and barely heard his words, studying everything about him instead. He would look at his pants and think, “Oh, Jesus, inside those pants is a three-million-dollar behind, and yet the fabric can be only so soft and fine.” When Belavista made a vigorous motion or even walked about the room, it would occur to Stern that he was risking a heart attack and should, if possible, always sit in chairs and not move a muscle. And yet Stern had once seen Belavista race swiftly toward a train and dive between its doors, prying them open to get aboard. Stern decided that was really the difference, that was what had made him millions. And if people had all their money and possessions taken away and everyone had to begin all over, the men who plunged daringly toward closing train doors would survive and soon have fortunes again.

  Belavista was a gentle man, and Stern often told others, “He's like a father to me.” Childless and divorced, Belavista lavished all his attentions on two six-year-old Brazilian nieces, listing them both as corporation directors and sending them expensive gifts. A company joke was that for a Christmas present he had once given each of them a division of IBM. Stern pictured a day in which Belavista would put his arm around him and say that his nieces were foolish, that he had always wanted a son, and would Stern consider accepting a third of the label business, leading eventually to complete control? And then Stern, all considerations of wealth aside, would have a father who leaped bravely for closing train doors.

  He went in to see Belavista now and yearned for the man to put his arms around him and take him back to his many-roomed house and keep him there, protecting him from the kike man and eventually calling for his wife and boy.

  “Something's come up,” Stern said. “I've got to go away. They found something inside me and I have to get it taken care of.”

  “I'm sorry to hear that,” the Brazilian said. “What is it?”

  “An ulcer,” Stern said. “It just showed up in there.”

  “Does it nag at you around here?” Belavista asked, pointing between his ribs.

  “Yes,” Stern said. “That's where it gets you.”

  “Uh-huh,” said Belavista. “I know. I've got it all right.” He hollered out to his secretary, “Make an appointment for me with Dr. Torro.”

  “I know,” said Belavista. “Gets you around the back, too, a little.”

  “A little,” Stern said. “You feel as though a baby with giant inflated cheeks is in there.”

  “I know, I know,” said the boss. “I've got it. I'm sure I've got the same thing.” He shouted to his secretary, “Make sure it's for today,” and then said to Stern, “I've got it, all right. I've got the same thing.”

  Stern felt a tiny bit of resentment now. It was as though he had finally come up with something that Belavista, with all his millions, could not have, and yet here was the man trying to horn in on Stern and get one too, a finer and richer one. Now Belavista rose and said, “All right, here's what I'm going to do for you,” and Stern felt such a thrill of excitement that he had to hold on to his boss's desk. There were those who said that Belavista was a selfish and shrewd man, but Stern had always told them, “I don't see it. He comes through. He's always been very nice to me.” Stern was certain Belavista had been waiting for a moment of crisis, a special time to make certain announcements about Stern's future. And now Stern, near tears, wanted to hug him in advance and say, “Thank you. Oh, thank you.”

  “I'm continuing your salary,” Belavista said.

  “That's wonderful,” said Stern. “It will ease my mind.” And then he waited for the list to continue.

  “For as long as it takes. I don't care if it's three weeks.”

  “That's really nice,” Stern said. He looked with humility at the floor, as though he expected nothing more.

  “You've been pretty good around here and I want to play fair with you,” said Belavista. “I've thought it over, and that's the way I'm going to handle it. I'd like to chat some more, but I've got an appointment I can't break. So look, take it easy, get your mind off things, and everything around here will be all right.”

  “It's amazing the way something like this just happens to you,” Stern said.

  “That's right,” Belavista said, tapping his foot, and Stern, aware that he was keeping him from doing million-dollar things, said, “I'll be rolling along now.”

  “OK, guy,” said Belavista, and Stern left his office, the parachute blowing up big and painful inside him. Once, when someone at college had made fun of Stern for being from Brooklyn, Stern, whose father had made a little extra money at that time, enough to buy a car, had said, “My father can buy and sell you,” to the boy. Now, hating his boss, he wanted to say to him, “My father can buy and sell you.” If Belavista then pinned him down on the actual worth of his father, Stern would be vague and say, “He made a lot of money in the shoulder pad business.”

  It was late in the afternoon when Stern got back to his desk, an unsettling and nauseating time; each day at this time Stern would have to face going home and, at the end of his trip, driving past the kike man's house. He would do things, try to distract himself, talk to people and force jokes, but no matter what he did, he would eventually have to leave the safety of his office, where even Glover's pursed lips and his secretary's downbeat buttocks were comforts, and ride home to the kike man. Each night he would buy his newspaper at the station, sit among groups of hearty men, and when one named “Ole Charlie” told a drainpipe anecdote, Stern would raise his head and guffaw at the punch line as though he understood, that he was riding home to a faulty drainpipe too, and that bad drainage was his major concern in life also. And then Stern would bury his head in his newspaper and turn to an important section, like maritime shipping, and look very serious, making an almost physical effort to blend in with the men alongside him, as though if he looked exactly like them, he would become exactly like them, speeding home to drainpipes and suburban pleasures. But then, as his stop grew nearer, a panic would start in his throat. The maritime section would become a blur and he would think how nice it would be to go one stop too far on the railroad and get off in a new place, where he could go to a home fully furnished with Early American chairs, a wife educated at European schools, neighbors named “Ole Charlie,” and a street devoid of kike men.

  At his desk now, Stern thought that perhaps tonight he would send his wife to tell the kike man to stop everything, to stop tormenting him, because Stern now had an ulcer. He was not ever to hit Stern in the stomach and do anything to his family, because you don't do those things to a man if he's got an ulcer. Not if you wear veteran jackets and fly flags from every window. You're a man of fair play. Stern imagined the man hearing the ulcer news and muttering something, perhaps snickering wetly; but he would never fling Stern's wife down again and peer between her legs. You don't do that to a man's wife if he has an ulcer blooming in his belly and you're supposed to be American and fair. Stern thought how much better it would be if he had lost a leg or gone blind. Then the man would certainly never do anything to him again. If he were blind, that would be complete protection for Stern's wife and child. At a meeting, the man might tell with a giggle of the blind Jew in the neighborhood, but it would be hands off Stern's wife and child. Perhaps, though, Stern had it all wrong. Perhaps the man's commando training would prevail. Never give up an advantage. If you blind a man, but there is still life inside him, jump on him and snuff it out. And Stern imagined himself tapping sightlessly past the man's house, his wife and child flanking him. The man would spot them, walk slowly forward, then gather some speed, put Stern out of commission with a judo chop, kick his child in the crotch, and then get his wife down to stab her sexually, and, worse, get her to wriggle and whimper with enjoyment beneath her conqueror while Stern thrashed blindly in the street.

  Stern sipped milk now, got his desk in order, and thought of leaving the container in the center of his desk so that others would find i
t the following day and be consumed with heartbreak at the tragic symbol. At his desk, Glover spoke with pursed lips to the Board, and Stern imagined suddenly with fright that the moment he left for Fabiola's rest home, Glover would resign from the Board, renounce all effeminate mannerisms, marry immediately, and move into a split-level, thereby becoming attractive to Belavista. When Stern returned, his ulcer vanquished, Glover would be sitting at Stern's desk.

  Stern's one Negro friend, Battleby the artist, came in then with sketches for Stern's labels and began immediately to fill Stern in on all his latest activities. A bearded Negro intellectual, he behaved as though his paintings were the major concern of all Americans and people walked the streets in a sweat, chafing to get late details on his career. When someone else in a room was speaking, Battleby felt threatened and would sweat and fidget, tugging at his collar and gulping deeply for air until the person stopped; then Battleby would swallow deeply and say, “They have some pen-and-inks of mine over at the West Side Gallery, and a Guggenheim director said I'm one of the eight best young Americans in casein.”