Body Heart Soul (Blind Vows #2)

by J. M. Witt

  I reached for her, tears in my eyes, “Des. Love saved you, love cherishes you. He wasn’t love. I am.” I tried touching her, reassuring her, but she kept resisting me. “You’re being irrational…”

  She lurched back, “No. You can’t fix this. You can’t fix me. I’m entirely rational!” She was panting, on the verge of hyperventilating as tears seared both our cheeks. “I’m broken. You deserve someone who can love you right.”

  Was it possible to have a nervous breakdown in your mid-thirties, because that’s what seemed to be happening with her? I was standing in front of a girl who I loved unconditionally, but she was doing everything she could to sabotage that love. She seemed momentarily disoriented and I seized the opportunity to grab hold of her. Then she said what I was afraid of, what I suspected was going through her head, and I don’t even know if she knew she said it out loud.

  “I have to leave you, before you leave me.”

  I couldn’t hold her up and she took us both to the floor, but I never let go of her. Talking into her hair, I pleaded with her, “I’m not leaving you. Ever. Des, you’re not broken and I wouldn’t want to fix you even if you were. I love you. All of you. Every scar, bruise, demon, and thing you’ve done wrong; I love all of it. Without those things I wouldn’t have you now. Why can’t you accept that?”

  “Because good things only happen to me for a short time. They never last.”

  “God dammit, Des. I’m not Saul!” I didn’t mean to say his name, but I knew that he was what this whole argument was about. He’d fucked her up so bad that he’d destroyed her definition of love. And what scared me more was that I didn’t know how to fix it.

  She became quiet and relaxed in my arms. I wasn’t sure if she’d conceded or if absolute exhaustion had claimed her. Managing to get us to our feet, I walked her to the bed. Removing her pants, I then covered her up and crawled in next to her. She was asleep within moments and so was I.

  When I woke in the morning, she was still sleeping. I busied myself with cleaning the house, knowing the rest of the family would be arriving soon. Heath was at the gym and Lucy had the day off. If they had overheard our fight, Lucy didn’t say anything. Knowing the garbage collection was coming in a few hours, I gathered all the waste baskets.

  Quietly, I entered the room Des and I were occupying to grab the garbage and I found her packing her bag. “What are you doing?”

  “O, please. I can’t do this. It’s too much pressure.”

  “What’s too much pressure? What are you talking about?”

  She waved her arms around the room, hollering, “This, all of this. Your whole family for the next two days. I’m just not ready.”

  “You’re making excuses. My family loves you.” I grabbed the waste basket from the bathroom, thinking she’d calm down and when I stepped back out she was marching out of the bedroom with her bag over her shoulder. “God dammit, Des!” I raced after her but didn’t reach her until she was on the porch.

  She threw her bag in the trunk of her car and slammed it shut. Turning to look at me, she just stared at me. Setting the basket down, I made my way to her. She put her hand up and said, “I just need a minute.” She walked back past me and sat on the porch swing. I moved toward her and she demanded, “Alone.”

  I stroked her hair and reiterated everything I felt for her. “I love you. Nothing can change that. My family loves you. Whatever’s bothering you, I can’t help if I don’t know. Take all the time you need. I’ll be inside waiting.” She just nodded.

  I walked back inside and Lucy was in the kitchen cutting up some veggies. She made eye contact with me and half smiled, letting me know she knew we were fighting, but that she wasn’t going to pry either.

  “I don’t know how to help her,” I whispered.

  “Maybe you’re not the one who can.” Her words took me aback. “I know it’s not my business, but has she seen a therapist? I mean, I don’t know if I could recover from everything she’s been through and I imagine if I did, I’d need help.”

  “Honestly, I don’t know.”

  “You saw one, right?”

  “Yes. I know. It makes sense.” I groaned, running my hands through my disheveled hair.

  Lucy placed her hand on my forearm, sighing, “I don’t know her very well, but I really like her. She’s been through a lot. The mention of pregnancy really got to her last night. Did you talk at all?”

  “I asked her if she was pregnant and if she wanted kids. But she just kept going on about how she wasn’t worthy, or some shit, and that she had to leave me.”

  “Oh, O. I’m so sorry.”

  The sound of a car door slamming and then tires peeling out garnered the attention of us both. Had she overheard us talking? Leaping off the bar stool I’d been sitting on, I scrambled for the door. Her Challenger was at the end of the drive and then gone as I screamed her name.

  “God dammit!” Still standing on the porch, I kicked the waste basket at my feet and another can, sending the contents flying. “Motherfucker!”

  I turned my phone on and shoved it back in my pocket while it loaded then began to clean up the mess I’d made. “It’s ok, O. I got it.”

  “No, I made the mess. I can clean it up.”

  We both picked up the scattered garbage and my eyes were drawn to a pink and white stick. That wasn’t what I thought it was, was it? Picking it up, I looked at it closely. ‘Pregnant’ was displayed on the tiny screen. Lucy was pregnant? Lucy was pregnant! I began to wonder if Heath knew and then felt guilty that maybe I knew before he did. I watched Lucy pick up the last few items and put them in the large trash bin. My eyes drifted to her belly before she walked back inside.

  I placed the test in my pocket and walked back inside. Lucy and I had a pretty candid friendship so I had to let her know that I knew. “Lucy?”

  She turned back toward me, “What’s up?” then made her way to the kitchen.

  “Listen, I’m just going to lay this out in the open. Mum’s the word.” I pulled the pregnancy test out and laid it on the counter. “Does he know?”

  She looked at me, confusion written all over her face. “What do you mean does he know?”

  “Heath mentioned you guys were trying.” She just stared at me, “Lucy, it says you’re pregnant. Have you told Heath?”

  She picked it up and looked at it, then back at me. She narrowed her eyes and with a smirk scoffed, “O, this isn’t mine.”

  “What do you mean it’s not yours?”

  She pursed her lips at me and sighed. “O, think about it. I know you’re not that dense.” I just stared back at her dumbfounded. There was no way. “Des asked for a test yesterday, but I wasn’t sure if she’d taken it yet or not. Congrats, O. Ready or not, you’re going to be a daddy!”

  I dropped my head to my hands and whispered, “Fuck. That’s why…” I had asked her last night during her meltdown, but she never confirmed or denied it.

  “She admitted to me after dinner last night that she suspected she might be. That’s why she reacted so badly when you said there was plenty of time to discuss having kids. It dawned on her yesterday after being so sick all day. Clearly, it was more than a hangover. Anyway, I have some tests on hand and gave her one, though I didn’t know she’d taken it.”

  “I have to fix this.”

  I rushed to the bedroom and grabbed my keys. Notifications galore started pinging on my phone. I checked my texts and none were from her. Then it began ringing and I answered without even looking at the number.

  “Des?” It wasn’t Des. It was the police station.

  “Mr. Kerrigan?”

  “Yes?”

  “Have you spoken to your wife?” My stomach sank. Something was terribly wrong.

  “No, no I haven’t.”

  I heard the groan before he mentioned that he’d spoken to Des yesterday and that she’d assured him that I would call him right back. Somehow Saul had escaped. He’d been ‘injured’ and was transported to the hospital. He’d disappe
ared in the early morning hours yesterday. He could be anywhere. And she knew.

  His trial was to start that next week, which was part of the reason I’d brought Des up to the lake house. We both needed the distraction and didn’t need to be at the court house for a couple days.

  Trying to keep my cool, I yelled in the phone, “She’s out there alone. I need you to put an APB out for her. I’m going after her now. I’ll be in touch.” I hung up the call and barreled through the house.

  “LUCY!”

  “O, what’s wrong?”

  “He escaped and Des is out there alone.”

  “Oh my, God!”

  “Stay in the house and lock the door. Don’t you open it for ANYONE but Heath. Call him now and get him home.”

  She started throwing questions at me and all I did was react. I ran out the door, dialing Des as I went. I loved her, but her bravery—or stupidity—was starting to piss me the fuck off. Yet again, she was running from me in order to protect me, but putting herself in more danger and now our child, too. I had to find her before he did. I couldn’t let myself think about her carrying my child and being out there unprotected. I had to focus on the task at hand.

  Find Des.

  Kill Saul.

  Save my marriage.

  Not necessarily in that order.

  She was my heart and I couldn’t survive without her.

  SOUL

  ~ DESiree ~

  ~ Chapter 19 ~

  I sat on the porch swing trying to rationalize my thoughts. As long as O left his phone off, he wouldn’t know that Saul had escaped. But if I left that would result in him turning his phone on. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath. I should just tell him. But what to tell him, about the baby, Saul, or both? The baby was a pleasant surprise, but I’d been surprised before to just have it taken away again. My hand drifted to my belly as I reminded myself not to get attached to this pregnancy like I had the others.

  Standing, I made my way to the open front door and overheard Lucy asking O if I’d seen a therapist. Anger, fear, and sadness filled me. Did I need therapy? Probably. But what good was therapy going to do as long as Saul was still out there? That was it. Decision made.

  I hopped in my car and took off. He could turn his phone on, chase after me, but that didn’t mean I’d answer or that he’d find me. I’d make sure he wouldn’t; not until Saul was dead. There was no way I was going to let him hurt O or anyone in his family again. Over my dead body. It was time to be my own hero.

  I didn’t believe for one minute that Saul had fled far. He was close, probably closer than any of us thought. First thing I had to do was get some things from home, my gun included. If Will was still there, I’d have to wait until he left to go up north. Hopefully he would already be gone and I’d be gone before O found me there.

  I knew that O would be livid with me, but I didn’t see any other way around it. Saul wanted me and this was the only solution I could come up with. The question was where to start. Maybe he’d reach out to me before I really had to search for him. I was playing a risky game and I knew it. I needed somewhere to think and go over my plan.

  Calling Stacey, I asked if I could crash at her place. It turned out she was at her parent’s for the weekend, but called the super and gave him permission to let me in. Stacey had a set of keys inside and told me I was free to stay as long as I needed. She attempted to ask if everything was ok and I told her it was, that I just needed a couple days to sort through some things.

  A couple days passed. I’d purchased a throwaway cell phone and was keeping my other one off. I knew O would be calling me and looking for me and this was the only way to keep him away. If I saw his calls flashing on the screen, eventually I’d cave. The only ones who knew my whereabouts were the police and they’d agreed to my plan. I would be the bait so that we could find Saul, only I had other things in mind for Saul.

  They agreed to keep O out of it as much as possible. It was the only way I’d agree to everything. I had their protection and O had it, too. He just didn’t know it. I kept my ‘condition’ to myself and lied through my teeth after the detective said O mentioned I was pregnant.

  “It’s not true. I thought I might be, but I’m not.” The detective glared at me as I shook my head. “I wouldn’t jeopardize a baby.” Guilt racked me, but I had to push it aside. We’d never be safe, any of us, until Saul was dead.

  I almost always had a tail and I had to take a leave of absence from work knowing that O, and possibly Saul, would both look for me there. I’d been put up in a safe house that didn’t feel safe at all. It was a dump and I struggled to sleep—missing O and the way he kept me warm.

  Detective Rollins stopped in to the crummy place on my third night there. Almost a week had passed since last I saw O. The detective had interesting information for me that night.

  “We think that the cash buyer for your apartment is Saul. We’re looking into it further.”

  Shaking my head, “It doesn’t surprise me. He’s demented like that.” My brain started moving in warp speed as I mumbled, “That’s why the buyer wanted the furnishings.” A wave a nausea hit me as I stood and excused myself.

  Rushing to the bathroom, I turned on the faucet and splashed cool water on my face. I couldn’t even remember when I’d had my last period, but was pretty sure it was after the wedding—I think. I could be newly pregnant or close to the second trimester. A tiny balloon of hope filled me thinking I could be close to the end of my first trimester. If that was true, it’d be the longest any of my pregnancies had lasted.

  There was a knock on the door. “Mrs. Kerrigan, are you alright?”

  “Yes, I’ll be right out.” I’d never been this sick before either. Sighing, I had to stop thinking about it. The only thing I knew for certain was that this baby was O’s.

  I stepped out of the bathroom to find Detective Rollins on his cell. Walking to the kitchen, I grabbed a bottled water out of the fridge and sat down at the table. Soon after he disconnected the call and sat down across from me.

  “It looks like Saul has someone helping him.”

  That was something I had been slightly suspicious of, but never gave much merit to. “Ok, so what now?”

  “Do you have any thoughts?”

  I rubbed my temples while I thought about it. “His parents are gone, left him a fortune,” I flexed my neck from side to side. “My best guess is maybe one of his partners. He’s a charmer and even after the PPO they never believed he was dangerous, probably still don’t.”

  “Ok. We’ll start there.” He got up, leaving, and I collapsed on the couch and watched mindless TV.

  I couldn’t stop my mind from drifting to O and his family. If I managed to get out of this alive, would they ever forgive me? I didn’t know, but it was a risk I had to take in order to keep them all safe. Then I wondered if O would even take me back. From his perspective I’d already betrayed him once for the sake of his own safety. I didn’t know if he’d forgive me for doing it twice.

  Tears drying on my cheeks, I gently rubbed my belly. The changes were only noticeable to me, but they were there. Usually a stomach sleeper, it was growing uncomfortable, like sleeping on a tennis ball. My breasts felt fuller and soon my nipples would become almost unbearable to touch. And that night out with Lucy, Heath, and O I’d had way too much to drink. I was an idiot. How could I have not noticed the signs earlier?

  I pulled out my personal cell phone and turned it on against my better judgement. I had over thirty text messages and over a dozen voicemails. A majority of both were from O with a few from his mother, Lucy, Stacey, and my parents. Instead of listening to them, I dialed O’s cell.

  My heart was pounding in my chest so forcefully, it ached, as I waited to see if he would take the call.

  “Des? Are you there?” Closing my eyes, his voice stirred emotions in me that I thought I’d be able to control. “Baby, please talk to me. Are you safe? I’m losing my mind.”

  “I’m safe. Please know ho
w much I love you.”

  “Des, please come home. I don’t know what’s going through that mind of yours, but I’m begging you…”

  “I can’t. Not until he’s gone. I love you, Odysseus. Please forgive me.” As I hung up the phone, gut-wrenching sobs wracked my body. I immediately turned my cell back off as my chest and throat ached and a headache began thrumming in my skull.

  It would be so easy to go home to him, but he’d never let me continue my plan with Detective Rollins. I woke a few hours later and carried myself to the bedroom. Turning music on, I put Breathe Me by Sia and drifted to sleep again as her piano-filled ballad calmed me.

  ~ Odysseus ~

  ~ Chapter 20 ~

  Flying down the freeway, I couldn’t find her. Damn her and that sports car. Of course maybe she’d taken a different route home. I kept hammering her cell phone and eventually it just started going straight to voicemail.

  When I made it to the apartment, I felt deep down like I’d just missed her. I could almost smell her perfume in the air. Some of the dresser drawers hung open and I knew then she planned for me not to find her. Sitting on the edge of the bed I tried to focus. Where would she go? Taking a chance, I called Stacey. She told me that she hadn’t heard from Des, but that if she did, she’d let me know.

  An hour later she called me back. “O, she needs some space. I told her I wouldn’t tell you anything, and I won’t. But she’s safe.”

  “Stacey, you don’t understand.”

  “O, I do, but I can’t get involved. If something changes, I’ll let you know.” She disconnected the call as I cursed out loud.

  A couple hours later I walked back into the apartment to find Will there. “Why aren’t you up north?”

  “Lucy and Heath filled me in when I got there. I couldn’t stay up there knowing I could be of more help here.”