Smoldering

by Tiffany Aleman

  “I know I’m to partially blame for what happened to us, too. All I can do is say I’m sorry and ask you to give me a chance to prove to you just how sorry I am. I know my words don’t mean anything right now, but let me show you how I will never hurt you again,” he pleads.

  “I don’t know,” I whisper, shaking my head. “I just don’t know anymore.”

  Riley places his finger under my chin, tilting my head up so that I have to look at him. His breathtaking baby blues pierce my hazel ones as we sit there staring at each other.

  “I’m going to be honest with you, Kels.” Hearing my nickname on his lips sparks a glimmer of hope within me, hope that we can work through this. “I hope you’ll be the same with me. Not one day has gone by that I haven’t thought about you. My world is in a constant state of darkness. I need my light back. You are the only woman who has ever owned me and I’d gladly give you everything I have, everything I am, if only you can guarantee me that we’re in this together. Because I’m not sure how I can keep going on, acting as if I’m fine, when in all reality I’m dying inside. I love you something fierce. You are the only woman I can picture by my side, but you are also the only person who can undoubtedly hurt me more than anyone else in this world.”

  My eyes search his for a beat before I tell him everything I’ve kept bottled up for so long. “My heart hurts for you. The insufferable amount of pain I’ve caused you, me, us can never be undone,” I place a finger over his lips, stopping him when he tries to speak, “but I can promise you I’ll never run from us again. You own my heart, Riley. You own my smiles, my happiness, my body. There isn’t one piece of me I wouldn’t freely hand over to you. I can’t promise that I won’t hurt you, us, but I can promise I’ll never do it intentionally.” I cup his cheek in my hand. “Bring me back to life, please. I can’t stand to feel like I’m merely existing when you’ve shown me what it’s like to be alive.”

  Riley’s mouth crushes down on mine. It’s punishing and demanding. It’s a kiss, expressing what neither of us has the words to say. It’s a kiss filled with longing, hurt, desire, love. It’s three months’ worth of apologies. It’s a promise that we can make it through anything so long as we are doing it together.

  “God, I’ve missed you,” Riley mumbles out around our joined lips. “I never want to be without you again.” His hands run up my back and into my hair, successfully holding me in place as he takes what I’m freely giving.

  Gently, I press against his chest, breaking the kiss. I close my eyes as I try to calm my heartbeat, a beat I haven’t felt in so long.

  “What’s wrong, baby?” Riley pants against my forehead and I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face at hearing him call me baby again.

  I look up at him and just stare at his handsome face, committing every feature to memory. The way his eyes hold mine. How the stubble on his face feels like a soft grade of sandpaper beneath my hands. The way his minty breath fans out against my face. The way he smells like body wash and laundry detergent. How his lips tilt up in a smile as he looks down at me.

  I take a deep breath as I prepare myself for what I’m about to say. “It’s too easy to jump back into the way we used to be but we’ll never be that way again.”

  His eyebrows dip in confusion. “What are you talking about?” he asks, bewildered.

  “We should take things slow. We still have so much we need to talk about. We have time to air out all the dirty stuff, but, in between all the bad things, I want to know you in a different way. I want to know the story behind every scar you have. I want to know if you helped your dad rebuild cars, if you helped your mom cook Thanksgiving dinner. And in return, I want to tell you about my time at boarding school, how Jen and I first met, the places I’ve been, and the very few memories I have of my parents that are good,” I whisper as I run my fingers through his hair that’s grown long enough for me to do so.

  The dimness in his eyes slowly starts to turn back into light as he smiles at me.

  “I want to know all of you just like I want you to know all of me.”

  Riley gets quiet for a moment as he shifts beneath me and I feel the change in his demeanor.

  “I’m deploying, Kelsey,” he states with a nervousness I’ve never heard from him before.

  “I know.” I nod with a sad smile.

  “How?” He looks at me surprised.

  “Your mom.” I shrug. “She showed up here and we talked.” I swallow hard before asking, “When are you deploying?”

  Riley reaches up, brushing a stray piece of hair off of my face. “December is all I know. We won’t get a definite date until right before we leave, probably like a week out.”

  “A month and a half,” I whisper to myself.

  He nods sadly. The smile he wore moments ago is no longer there. In its place is a frown. “I just got you back and we have a lot of time to make up for but how are we going to make this work?” he asks trepidation evident in his tone.

  I lift up to straddle his lap and then cup both of his cheeks in my hands. Slowly I lean down, placing a tender kiss on one corner of his mouth. “We’ll make it,” I whisper before placing a kiss on the other corner. “We have Skype, phone calls, and letters we can write.” I pull back just a fraction to look into his eyes. “I’m not going anywhere, love. I’ll be here waiting for you for as long as it takes because I love you,” I whisper as I lay a soft, delicate kiss on his lips.

  “I love you, Kels. You’ll never know how much,” he mumbles against my mouth.

  Last night after Riley and I talked things through, he respected my wishes when I told him he couldn’t stay the night. He understands my desire to take things slow. We have a lot of work to do to rebuild our relationship. Although we were strong before, we both agree we can be stronger. There are still a lot of things we need to work out, especially when it comes to forgiving the things we’ve both done to each other throughout our separation.

  The phone is pressed to my ear as I try to listen to Riley’s reasoning. “Why are you going to see him?” Riley asks and I can tell he’s trying to contain his temper.

  “Because he’s my friend, Riley,” I answer as I dig my keys out of my purse.

  Walking out the door, I shut it behind me as he says, “Well, I don’t like it,” he states matter of fact.

  “What is it you don’t like?”

  As I get in the car, he answers my question. “You’re mine, Kelsey but you were on a date with him last night,” he states in a no-nonsense tone.

  I sigh heavily and lean my head back against my headrest. I understand where he’s coming from. If the shoe were on the other foot, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I wouldn’t like it either. But I have to find a way for Riley to understand that Lyle is a close friend even if we did go out on a date. The feelings I have for Riley outweigh the feelings I have for Lyle.

  “Listen. I understand where you’re coming from, babe. I know if I were in your position I wouldn’t like it either.”

  “Good. I’m glad we have that issue handled,” Riley interrupts.

  “But,” I add cautiously, ignoring his previous comment, “Lyle helped me through a lot when we were separated, Riley. I know this is something we need to talk about, but I think it’s something better to discuss in person rather on the phone. Lyle is important to me and I’m sorry if you can’t understand that.”

  “More important than me?” he bites out.

  “That’s not fair and you know it,” I whisper in disbelief that he actually had the nerve to throw that out there.

  We sit silently on the phone for a few seconds, neither of us saying anything.

  I stick the key in the ignition and start up my car. I throw it into drive and pull onto the street. As I drive over to Lyle’s firm ten blocks down from my place, I say, “Riley, I love you. I’ve told him that I love you. You own my heart while he has my friendship. I understand how Lyle is a sore topic for you, but I really wish you’d understand,” I plead.

&n
bsp; “I’m not going to change your mind about this am I?” he asks defeated.

  As much as I’d like to give him this and never see Lyle again, I can’t do that. He’s too important to me.

  “No. I’m sorry,” I answer softly.

  Riley’s sighs into the phone. “All right. We’ll talk about this when I see you next. I’m not going to make you any promises that I’ll get over it, but I’ll listen to what you have to say before I jump to conclusions.”

  “Thank you.” A smile pulls at the corners of my lips as I park the car and shut it off.

  “Mmm-hmm,” he jokes which causes me to laugh.

  “I’ll call you when I leave, okay?”

  “Will I see you tonight?” he asks.

  “Not tonight, I have to study for my nursing exam,” I answer as I open the door to Lyle’s firm.

  “You’re going for it?” he asks amazed.

  I chuckle at his reaction to my news. “Yes. See, this is why I want to take things slow between us because we have so much catching up to do. But I have to go and I’ll call you later.” I rush as I walk towards the receptionist’s desk.

  “Love you.”

  “Me too,” I answer, hanging up.

  I smile brightly at the young blonde woman sitting behind the desk.

  “Can I help you?” she asks cheerily.

  “I’m here for Lyle Jennings.”

  She clicks on something on her computer before looking to me. “What’s your name?”

  “Kelsey.”

  “Hold just one second and I’ll let him know you’re here,” she smiles at me.

  I nod with a smile. “Sure.”

  “Hey.” Lyle smiles at me as he walks into the receptionist area in a black suit, white shirt, and slate blue tie. His hands are tucked loosely in his pockets as if he’s totally relaxed. He tilts his head towards the hallway. “Come on back.”

  I follow next to him as we make our way back towards his office. When we reach the entrance, he sweeps a hand forward, letting me pass in front of him. “Everything, okay?” he asks sincerely as I take a seat in front of his desk.

  I wait until he shuts the door and sits in his seat behind his desk. “I just wanted to come and apologize and thank you again.” I chuckle sadly. “It kind of seems like it’s our thing.”

  He laughs as he reclines back in his chair, his arms on the armrests. “It does, but there is no need for you to apologize, Kelsey.” He shakes his head as he sighs. “I’m not going to beat around the bush and say it doesn’t suck, knowing that I’m not the one by your side. Because really, it does, but I also went into this knowing you loved someone else. So, are you two working things out?”

  I nod in agreement, look down at my lap, and pretend to pick imaginary lint off my jeans. “We are,” I answer softly, “but I still need you in my life, Lyle, as a friend.” I look up at him, our gazes connecting. “It may be selfish of me to ask you that, but you’ve helped me through a really tough time and I honestly don’t know where I’d be without you.”

  Lyle sits behind his desk, not saying anything until I stand and make my way towards the door. “Kelsey,” he says, his quiet voice right behind me.

  I turn around and look back at him as he stands. Within three strides, he’s right in front of me with only an inch separating us. Cautiously, he reaches up and tucks a lock of hair behind my ear before he cups my cheek. When I don’t shy away, he leans in and I watch with wide eyes as he comes towards my lips, but, at the last second, he kisses my cheek. He pulls back a fraction of an inch, giving me an easy grin. “You will always have my friendship. He has your heart and that’s just something I can’t compete with.”

  I reach up, grabbing hold of his wrist. Slowly I remove his hand from my face and whisper through a sad smile. “You’re a good man, Lyle, and someday you’re going to make some lucky woman very happy.”

  “I hope you’re right.” And he winks at me.

  A loud whistle sounds out from Jen when I step out of my room. She’s sitting on the couch, remote in hand, flipping through the channels. A proud smile spreads across my face as her eyes rake up and down my body. “If I were a lesbian, I’d do you,” she jokes. “For real though, you look hot. I think Riley is going to walk around with blue balls all night,” she says, causing me to burst out in laughter.

  It’s been a week since we’ve gotten back together. We’ve talked on the phone every day since then. A few times, he’s tried to get me to come over to his house but each time, I’ve declined, telling him it’s too soon. He didn’t like it, but he eventually came to terms that I was right and we needed to take it slow this time around. Tonight is our first date since we broke up. With that comes excitement mixed with dread because I know we still have a lot of things we need to talk about and get out in the open.

  “You don’t think it’s too much, do you?” I ask a little self-conscience of the fact that I have no idea where we’re going. All Riley told me was to be ready at seven. Seeing as how our first date was at a nice restaurant, I’m assuming this one will be, too.

  “Hell no!” Jen shouts excitedly. “I love the way that dress fits and that color of red on you is stunning.”

  Deep red satin embroidered with a lighter shade of red lace make up the fitted dress that hugs my curves in all the right places. One sleeve made from the same lace stops right below my left elbow and my other arm is left bare. The hem of the dress stops at the tops of my knees. A thin black satin belt with a leaf pattern encrusted with small black and clear jewels wraps around my waist. Jen bought this dress one day because she just had to have it and to this day, she still has never worn it. So I begged her to let me wear it and after some groveling, she relented. Jen’s paired it with a black satin clutch and a pair of her black Louis Vuitton pumps with the red underside. Jen’s blown out, teased, and pinned my hair up into an elegant up do, leaving my neck and black and white diamond pendant earrings exposed. The charcoal and grey eye shadow gives me the smoky eye effect and the red lip stain matches my dress.

  “You don’t think I’ll need a coat or anything?” I ask, knowing that in late October the nights can get a little chilly.

  “If you cover that dress up I will kick your ass.” Jen jumps up off the couch with a stern look on her face.

  I laugh at her words even though, by the look on her face, I know she’s dead serious.

  “Why? Are you nervous? Normally you’re the first person to admit that you look good when you’re wearing something this hot,” she says as she walks into the kitchen to pour a glass of wine.

  I follow after her after setting my clutch on the bar. Jen turns around, handing me the glass of wine. I still haven’t touched one drop of alcohol since the night Lyle pulled me out of that alley and Jen slapped the shit out of me. I shake my head, refusing her offer.

  “Come on, you need to loosen up a bit,” she encourages with a grin as she thrusts the glass back at me.

  “You know why I don’t want to drink this.” I sigh as I take the glass from her anyway.

  “I know,” she bats her hand in the air, dismissing my concern, “but you’re not that girl anymore. I haven’t seen you have one drink since that night. You’ll be okay, I promise.”

  I raise my eyebrows at her as I take a sip of the dry, tart red Pinot Noir.

  Jen leans forward, propping her arms up on the bar and raises her eyebrows at me expectantly.

  “Yeah, I’m a little nervous,” I answer honestly. “I’m excited, but still nervous.”

  Her brows furrow in confusion as she asks, “Why?”

  “Because, we have a lot of things to talk about.”

  “Haven’t you two been talking on the phone like every day?”

  I nod. “Yeah, but there are a lot of things that need to be said in person.”

  “Like Lyle?” she asks with her eyebrows raised and her lips puckered.

  “Yes, like Lyle, but not just him. I want to know how come he never came for me. Why was that girl at his house t
hat night I showed up over there?”

  “Kels, you have to know why,” Jen states as if I don’t understand what they were doing or trying to do.

  “I know why she was there. I want to know why, after just one week, she was there. It’s not as if I’m looking for a fight or anything. I just feel like if I can understand his reasoning behind it, then I can let it go and move on.” I shrug with a sad smile. “Let it be in the past so we can start fresh with a new future.”

  “I understand that,” Jen says with a nod when a knock comes from the front door.

  A surge of excitement rushes through me as I swallow back the rest of the wine. Jen laughs as she taps her hand on the bar a couple of times. “I’ll get the door,” she says, already walking off.

  “Hey Jen,” Riley says in that deep voice of his, causing goose bumps to pepper my skin.

  I set my glass down and slowly turn around to see the man I love, dressed in charcoal grey fitted slacks and suit vest. Beneath the vest is a white button up shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbows showcasing his muscular forearms, and around his neck is a black tie. And I can’t help but stand there breathlessly, thanking the good Lord above that this man is mine and that we found our way back to each other.

  “Wow,” I breathe out in a rush, as I stand there rooted to the spot drinking him in.

  Riley makes his way over to me shaking his head, his eyes drinking me in, and a devilish grin on his face. Stopping right in front of me, I have to tilt my head back to see his handsome face.

  He reaches out and gently trails a finger back and forth against my bare collarbone. “You look absolutely gorgeous,” he says, his voice husky with desire as he leans down and kisses my cheek.

  Just from his touch, my body smolders with lust. Just from his voice, my body burns with need. Just one look from him and my body blazes with a fervor I’ve never known before.

  “You too,” I whisper breathlessly.

  “Okay,” Jen exclaims loudly from behind us. We both turn around to see her standing there, arms crossed over her chest, and a teasing grin on her face. “I am right here, so you two can quit eye fucking each other, unless you’d like me to get my camcorder and make a soft core porn video of the both of you,” she jokes.