Lyon's Den

by Jordan Silver

  They make me nuts, but there’s no better feeling than having my whole family under one roof. Kat’s in her element because she has more than enough people at her beck and call.

  It’s the only time the pothead acts like he has any damn sense these days. For all his bullshit he’s a grandpa down to his toenails. Of course by the time he and his wife leaves I’m gonna have to undo half the shit they did.

  The four grandparents, well five including Cy, thinks it’s their mission to outdo one another in spoiling my kids. My sisters and their ilk will be

  here later for dinner just to round shit up.

  I’ll be praying for Monday morning to come so I could escape to my shop and bury myself in work. It’s the only peace I get these days since Kat and her horde took over my damn house.

  “I can smell you coming. What do you want dad?” I picked up my head and watched him, Cy and Drake my father in law make their way down the steps into the garage.

  Drake is the sanest out the bunch so I looked at his face to get a bead on whatever fuckery the other two were up to.

  “I’ma need you and the boys to come out to my place and help me put this new greenhouse together.” Squirrely fuck. Two guesses what that shit is for.

  The only time I ever saw him hopped up like this in the past is when he was talking medicine. I guess you can say the shit he’s into now is a different kind of medicine.

  “Dad, you don’t need a greenhouse for recreational weed. Why can’t you just buy your shit from your guy like you always do?” Elena’s gonna have a fit if

  I help him with this shit.

  “Well I was thinking, now that I have all this free time on my hands I can experiment.”

  “How the fuck do you experiment with pot?” He went into some shit that I didn’t understand about strains and what the fuck.

  “Never mind, sorry I asked.” I find it ironic that as the son, I’m the one lecturing him on drug use, this shit is all kinds a twisted.

  “Does Elena know?”

  “Already taken care of.” From his twirling brows shit I didn’t even wanna know how he pulled that one off. Nasty!

  Drake wasn’t saying shit, but from all the sighing and huffing I got the idea he wasn’t too pleased. As the sheriff I’m pretty sure the pothead’s weed consumption was a bone of contention, but what’s he gonna do? The shit’s legal.

  “Daniel, you got grandkids.” Here we go, same argument with these two. Cy was minding his own but I already know whose side he’s on. Kat swears he’s innocent as a lamb, but what does she know? She still thinks Mengele’s gonna turn out okay.

  “So? You’re acting like I’m gonna light up and pass it around. When they’re older if they wanna have a smoke with their grandpa then we’ll talk. Besides it’s a good learning experience. Catalina and I are gonna work on coming up with a cure for some things.”

  I almost dropped the damn bike on my foot. He totally ignored my glare as I eyed the pipe he pulled from his pocket. “Daniel, what the fuck!”

  “Chill son, it’s just a plant, besides she won’t be smoking it, that’s my job, she’s just going to be doing research.” He tapped some shit out of the pipe and refilled it.

  “Dad. My kid is five years old what the hell are you talking about?” Is this what the hell Kat and her mother in law wants? When did I fall down the rabbit hole?

  “Don’t smoke that in here.” He grinned and headed for the exit with Cy hot on his heels. I did not save that old man off the side of the street so Daniel could smoke out his damn lungs.

  “Can’t you do something about those two?” Drake shrugged his shoulders and looked off in the

  direction they’d gone. “What do you want me to do? The law says it’s legal.”

  “Drag Daniel’s ass in for being a menace or some shit. There has got to be a law on the books somewhere that you can find to deal with his ass. He’s gonna teach your granddaughter how to grow weed.”

  “Now Colt, that’s not what he said.” Now see, that’s why I stay out of shit. He can’t make up his damn mind whose side he’s on. Just like his clueless ass daughter.

  The three of them disappeared and I was left in peace once again. That shit didn’t last because there’s always someone coming and going around here.

  My sons are always into some shit but at least with them I know my house will still be standing. Their latest shit is making idiot videos which they thought they were going to post online until I threatened their lives.

  They were at it again with one of the million gadgets their mother got them. I guess I can’t blame her for spoiling her kids, but must

  everything she gets them be a recipe for disaster? She knows nothing about boys.

  “Caleb!” I snagged the ten year old as the whole crew ran past me on the way to some fuckery. The older they get, the more shit they get into.

  If they did that drone shit over these people’s backyards again and cause them to show up at my door with their shit I’ma either shoot the asshole neighbors or send my boys off to military school.

  Kat has no idea what the hell those shits are for, but her sons asked her for it, the SEALs gave it their seal of approval, Mancini with his spying ass thought it was a good idea, and I’m the one who has to deal with the fallout.

  “Yes daddy.”

  “What are you boys up to?” I saw the struggle between loyalty to his brothers and the ass whipping he was sure to get if he lied to me.

  “Um, we’re just gonna go into the fields on the other side of the house. Nana said it’s our property so…” It’s true, our closest neighbor is a little ways down on the other side of us and to the right is mostly my acreage, but they’re not fooling me.

  Those drone shits can travel, especially the one they have, that is not a damn toy because in their mother’s fucked up head, the more expensive it is, the better it must be.

  After the first complaint I checked the recordings myself to make sure they weren’t spying on anyone like the neighbors thought, and they weren’t but I can see the room for confusion.

  I try to be fair when dealing with people, okay sometimes. But their mother and grandparents are a whole other matter.

  “If anyone bothers you and your brothers come get me.” He nodded and ran after them leaving me to wonder what had happened to my life. Fucking Kat.

  I remember the days of peace and sanity. The days before I saw her doing tricks on a bike, before she zapped me and turned me into this. I just shook my head and went back to my shit.

  It’s too late to turn back now, she’s got me by the balls. I did my breathing shit and tried not to lose my mind. Something that anyone who has kids would tell you is a daily exercise.

  If I’m not worrying about their future, I’m terrified of their now. My twins are fifteen and I know those two are going to be freaks. The shit they get up to does not bear repeating.

  I stay in their shit as much as I do Caitiebear’s and I have to say, my daughter is an angel compared to her brothers.

  I can’t say shit because they’re more like me than anything else. I can’t wait for their asses to go off to college. Every other day it’s some shit.

  I didn’t even know what my neighbors looked like until my boys started to grow. If I wasn’t getting complaints about them riding hell bent for leather up and down the street on their dirt bikes, it was ATVs on the property.

  I had to tell that fuck as long as my kids were on their own property they could do what the fuck they want. He and his sour faced wife weren’t too happy, but what the fuck.

  ATVs are meant to be loud and it’s not like it’s at night while they’re sleeping because my kids aren’t allowed outside after dark in this damn horror movie setting. The fucking sun doesn’t know what this place looks like after seven on any given day.

  They already think I’m an uneducated thug because of my bikes and my crew who for some reason likes to fuck with them just because, so whenever he gets brave enough to come to my door I live
up to his expectations.

  Of course in the beginning I tried to be nice, but that only seemed to give them the idea that they could dictate shit to me. So now they know if they fuck with my kids they may or may not live to see another day.

  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those parents who think their kids can do no wrong, but I was a kid once myself and like I said, I stay on top of my kids’ shit.

  My boys are looking for bigfoot and dead bodies in the surrounding woods and cornfields with that drone shit.

  A few months ago they’d caught video of a clown in the middle of nowhere, scared the fuck outta their mother, but they thought it was fun.

  That’s when they got the bright idea to post it

  online, but I don’t trust that shit so I nixed it. When they take their ass off to college they can do whatever the hell they like.

  But as long as they’re in my house with their mother and sisters I’m not too jazzed about letting the outside world in. Shit doesn’t make any sense.

  Kat with her know it all ass says I’m being too sensitive, but again, she doesn’t know half the shit I do. And I know for damn sure the predators are using that online shit to look for prey.

  With each passing year there seems to be something new you have to look out for, especially if you have kids. Things keep changing and not all of it for the better.

  The assholes that be don’t seem to realize that the more technology grows, the more ammunition they’re giving the criminal minded among us. As a dad I have to stay ten steps ahead of that shit.

  I don’t teach my kids to be kind to everyone and I sure as fuck don’t teach my daughters that be polite to stranger’s bullshit.

  I teach them not to fuck with any motherfucker that I didn’t approve while teaching their brothers

  how to protect them until I get there.

  Chapter 7

  Dinner was as to be expected, noisy and messy. I had the whole family at my table and I knew from the way the women were situated that some shit was going on.

  When my niece kept going on and on about driving lessons while my sisters, mother and wife kept staring at me, I got the drift.

  I gritted my teeth, clenched my fork and kept my head down. No, just fuck no. I cut into my steak like it was on the operating table and took ten minutes to chew. I’m concentrating on my food, don’t say shit to me.

  I wonder who taught these women that the dinner table was the best place for an ambush? “So Colton what do you think?”

  “What do I think about what Elena?” That piece of meat was almost as pureed in my mouth as Cody’s nasty ass baby food. I got a pain in my gut but refused to rub it.

  These fucking women have given me ulcers, I’m

  sure of it. I cut another piece of meat and the whole table got quiet. I could feel their eyes on me.

  Even the pothead, Drake and Cy were looking at me now. There was no point in trying to get help from that corner. I know from experience that their balls were long gone too.

  “About Caitlin getting her permit.” My eyes went to my daughter and it was the excitement in her eyes that made me bite back the words. I’m gonna cry any second now.

  Why is everyone in such a hurry for my baby to grow up? A car means independence. It means she can drive around on her own with her little friends…

  I felt an attack of some sort coming on. But the kid had that hopeful look in her eyes. “I don’t see why not.” You could hear a pin drop for the first thirty seconds, and then the smiles and congratulations started.

  “But I’ll teach her.” And here we have the groans. I know that they think they know me, because I caught the head shake between my wife and the other females at the table.

  That meant, don’t say anything now let me work him later. Her pregnant ass can’t get up to too many sex tricks to make my ass stupid so good luck with that.

  The rest of dinner was passably pleasant if you don’t count the noise level. At least my eldest had a smile on her face and not that teenage frown that makes me nuts.

  Then she had to go and spoil it. As soon as she could be excused she jumped up from the table with the announcement that she had to call Todd and tell him.

  Her cousin jumped up with her all giggles the two of them and I wanted to shoot myself. Why the fuck does he need to know what’s going on in my house?

  “Catalina and I are going to be busy this summer.” The pothead filled the void. He was high as fuck as was evident by the stupid look on his face.

  “Oh, what’re you two going to be doing?” Elena looked at me with a smile like she thought I’d set that shit up.

  “Well, we’re going to be experimenting with the

  cannabis plant and working on a cure for some lesser ailments. I don’t want to say too much yet. But with my experience and her brain I think it will be fun.”

  Questions started flying around and I was sure my wife at least would nix the idea of her five year old daughter having anything whatsoever to do with weed no matter in what capacity. Fuck me I was wrong.

  “That sounds amazing dad, do you really think she can handle something like that?” What the fuck?

  “Kat?” I gave her a look after hissing her name.

  “Well are you going to keep her busy?” She said that shit out the side of her face like Groucho Marx.

  I see her game. She’s just glad to be getting the kid out of her hair. As to her question, fuck no. I comforted myself with the assurance that my father wouldn’t let his own granddaughter get hurt in anyway and had to be satisfied with that.

  I got ran out of my own kitchen by the women and headed up to my office for a quick minute while my brothers in law and the other males went outside to look at the stars or some shit.

  I was in there five minutes before someone walked through the door. “Yo Colt, we’ve got a problem.” Jared the fuck didn’t even say hello. Then again, when has he ever?

  “FUBAR or tap dance?” I twisted my chair around to face him.

  “We’ve got a pedo in the vicinity.” Well fuck! It’s been a while since we had one of those locally.

  “What kind? Is this some seventeen year old boy that kissed his sixteen year old girlfriend and pissed off her father, or the real deal?”

  “Oh he’s the real deal, anything under twelve apparently.” Sick fuck!

  “Where?” I was already getting to my feet. Some things you just have to see to right away.

  “Fifteen minutes out. The asshole law just released him after doing three of fifty on some technicality. One of the wives got the alert.”

  “Too fucking close, he’s fucked. Round up the boys. Kat?” Where the hell is she? Last I saw she and her daughter had their heads together whispering about some shit. Probably some fuck that’s gonna piss me off no doubt.

  She came sauntering into the room as I tossed my jacket over my shoulders. “Gotta run, don’t stay up…” Her eyes widened with…something. Suspicious fuck.

  “Where’re you going?”

  “I gotta see a guy about a thing.” I checked my glock and my knife before putting them in my favorite spots. She folded her arms and tapped her foot with a frown on her face. “Colton…”

  I gave Jared the signal not to say shit because to this day he’s still afraid of her and that ass slinked out of the room and the line of fire. “Colton, where are you going?”

  “Quit worrying, I’m not going far. Promise.” Nosy fuck she’s been into my business way too much lately. I used to be able to keep shit from her with just a look. But Elena’s old ass has been fueling her shit. Now she thinks she’s a badass.

  “Why do you need a gun and a knife if it’s nothing?” She started that tearing up shit.

  “Babe, I said it was nothing, I never leave the house this late at night without my piece you know that.”

  She looked at me squinty eyed but a kiss and a hug reassured her that her man was coming back home which in the end is all she really cared about.

  I jogged
down the stairs and avoided the rest of my family wherever the hell they were around my house. My hand was on the doorknob and I was almost in the clear, which in this bitch is an achievement.

  “Daddy.” Fuck, I’d almost made my getaway. “What is it?” Hitler’s youth sidled up to me with a look that I could only term as slick. She held out a sheaf of papers at me.

  “What is this?” I looked down to see the biggest fucking dog I’ve ever seen in my life.

  “That’s the best guard dog in the world.” I’d already told her ass a thousand times no dog.

  “Mengele, something wrong with your hearing? I said no dog, we already…” Shit, I forgot we’d lost the family dog a few months ago. She’d been a part of our family for so long that it was hard for me to let go. Fuck you I have a heart.

  “Daddy we need a dog. All these strange men coming and going around here.” She flounced off in a huff, arms swinging and muttering some shit under her breath. What the fuck strange men? She’s had a beef with the security team since day one.

  I guess they were too observant or some shit and she can’t get up to her shit with them on board. I was about to tell her to take her little ass somewhere and stop bugging me, but her mother and sister came down the stairs.

  “What’s going on?” Her nosy ass mother stuck her nose in.

  “Daddy’s gonna get me a dog.” This fucking kid.

  “Oh really? Aw Colt that’s sweet, you’re finally going to get her the dog she’s been begging for.”

  That’s a dig. I should tell her that I had shit to do but the kid had put me on the spot and I had the sneaky suspicion that she knew that shit.

  “What kind boy or girl?” I restrained myself from gritting my teeth.

  “I think we should get both.”

  “Daf…no. Choose.”

  “Well which is the best daddy?”

  “Can we do this when I get back? I have

  somewhere to be.” I guess she was happy with the fact that she’d backed me into a corner because she was happy enough to wait.

  “Fucking females.” I muttered under my breath because I didn’t want to hear her ‘ooh daddy you said a bad word’ shit.