Don't Say Goodbye

by Bridget Essex

  Now Max knew what she’d been missing, and all of Max’s body filled with the want and need for that completion she’d never felt her entire life. Not until last night. Not until she’d kissed Fiona. In Fiona’s embrace, she’d found the answer, it seemed, to every one of Max’s unanswerable questions. In Fiona’s smile, she’d found a reason to be happy, in her laughter something that inspired her to create more. Against Fiona’s body, she had felt, for the first time, like a complete person, a person who could go out and do and be anything, because Fiona would be by her side. And with the strength that Fiona inspired in her, she would be unstoppable.

  Max had never felt anything quite like that before, the raw intensity of possibility that Fiona had inspired in her. She’d never felt inspired to change her life, to make it better or more beautiful. But just knowing Fiona had made her want to do great things.

  And kissing Fiona had made her want to do them now.

  She wanted to impress that amazing woman, show Fiona the beautiful places of the world, tell everyone that Max loved her. She finally understood all of the songs that talked about wanting to ring bells and shout out from the rooftops that you’re in love, because that’s exactly what Max wanted to do.

  But each time that euphoria filled her, each time she realized that Fiona had felt the exact same way about her all this time, that Fiona had been falling for her, too, the crushing reality of it all would come crashing back down.

  Because Fiona was Jo’s.

  And Max and Fiona couldn’t be.

  Around four o’clock in the afternoon and after several movies, all of Max’s favorites that she knew by heart but stared at, unseeing, a different ring tone began to play on her cell. Max picked it up and glanced at the caller ID, her heart beating faster.

  It was Jo.

  “Hello?” said Max, clearing her throat as she answered the phone. Her mouth was suddenly desert dry.

  “Max? It’s Jo—hey, are you sick? You sound terrible.”

  “No, no, I’m fine,” sighed Max, leaning back on the couch and muting the television with a shaking hand. “What’s up? How are you?” Her heart was still beating much too quickly. Should she tell Jo what had happened? What if...

  “Hey, I know I’ve been absent lately. But there’s a…well. There’s a reason for that.” Max could hear Jo smiling on the other end of the phone. “Hey, are we still on for dinner tomorrow night? We have a lot of catching up to do.”

  “Of course,” said Max, closing her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose. Why not. Sure. Maybe if she could find some more courage she could actually tell Jo what had happened, because she owed it to Jo to tell her.

  But if Jo knew…wouldn’t it break her heart? Max wanted, more than anything, to never hurt Jo, and she figured that telling her would most certainly hurt her.

  “Great. I’ll see you then!” And Jo hung up the phone, obviously distracted.

  There had been laughter from someone else, before the line went dead.

  Woman’s laughter, behind Jo’s voice.

  Max stared down at the phone in her hand. Had Jo finally made time for Fiona? Were they together even now, because Max had left, and Fiona had given up on her?

  Max tried to think sensibly, logically. Jo was probably still at work, working on a Sunday. It’d be like Jo. Things still needed to be delivered on Sundays, and Sundays were big days at TurnTurn Delivery. So that had probably been an employee.

  It had probably been nothing. But still, Max’s heart twisted as she sat beneath her layers of blankets and the anguish built in her heart.

  She had to tell Jo what happened.

  If Fiona hadn’t already.

  Later that day, Max put on her thin coat, zipped it up, and drove before dark down to the marina. It was a stupid decision, but she’d often gone down here to think when she needed some time alone, some time to figure things out. The sun was wan, but at least visible along the edges of the snow clouds.

  She walked along the edge of the water that couldn’t freeze, the salt and cold in the air making it sting against her.

  She tried to think of nothing.

  And failed.

  ---

  Because it was the week before Christmas, there wasn’t actually a whole lot of work to be done at the call center, so Max got to leave work an entire half hour early on Monday. So she was in their booth at the Malibu that full half hour early, and could then torture herself for that entire half hour.

  And she did.

  She thought about how she could possibly tell Jo, and couldn’t come up with any sort of explanation that wouldn’t completely stab Jo in the heart. The more Max thought about it, the more she couldn’t believe that she’d kissed Fiona back. She had willingly gone against her best friend with that kiss.

  But she hadn’t been thinking about Jo when she did it.

  All she’d been able to think about was Fiona.

  Even now, Fiona encroached on her every thought. Max put her head in her hands and breathed out.

  “Hey, why the long face?” said Jo as she came into the diner, stomping the snow off her boots and shaking out her leather coat as she hung it from a peg and slid into the booth across from Max. “You are sick, aren’t you?” she asked, shaking her head as she gazed with concern at Max.

  “No, no, I’m all right,” said Max, doing her best to smile. She wasn’t exactly certain she’d pulled it off. “How are you doing, Jo?”

  “Good,” said Jo, her mouth in a sideways smile. “I love your hair cut. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you with that short of hair. I always told you it suits you much better than long hair. You were made for short hair! It’s styling!”

  “Thanks,” said Max quietly.

  Jo began to play with the packets of jelly in a basket on the side of the table. She stacked them in a miniature tower. “Hey, I really have to talk to you. I’ve had to talk to you for awhile, but things have come to a head, and I just can’t take it anymore.”

  Oh, my God, thought Max miserably, staring across the table at her best friend. Here it is. She knows. I’m such a terrible person. I can’t believe I did this to her. I…

  “I kind of met someone,” said Jo, leaning forward, her smile so bright it might have eclipsed the sun.

  “Yeah,” said Max, feeling that the rug had been pulled out from under her suddenly. She felt cold. “I know.”

  “Oh, Fiona,” said Jo, leaning back on the table again and sighing out as she shook her head. “She’s really nice. Very sweet. But I think I had some premature feelings about her. Jumped the gun. I thought we had a connection, but it wasn’t what I thought it was. I think, to be honest, she kind of has a little thing for you,” said Jo with an even wider grin. “She’s always talking about you, won’t ever shut up about you, in fact.”

  “Wait a minute,” said Max, her brain going into overdrive as it tried to sort everything out. “What are you telling me?”

  “I found someone,” said Jo with a happy sigh, slumping forward a little on the table and thrusting some fingers through her hair, making it stick up all lopsided. She grinned at Max. “And I think I’m falling for her, Max.”

  Max blinked, her heart beginning to come out of hiding, the pain beginning to fall away slowly as the realization dawned on her. “This woman you’re falling for…it isn’t Fiona? It’s someone else?”

  Jo nodded, grinning ear to ear. “I met her at the new location--she works at the new branch of TurnTurn that I just opened up as a deliverywoman. Her name is Lori, and she’s so gorgeous, Max. She’s this sultry little woman who just does and says all the right things.” Jo shivered a little and let out a little wolf whistle as Trish, their favorite waitress, trotted over to them.

  “I know, I’m all that,” said Trish with a wink to Jo. “The usual, ladies?”

  “Yes,” said Max in a complete monotone, and Trish walked away. “Jo…but what about Fiona?” she asked, grappling with this. She’d thought all this time that Jo had loved Fiona, loved
her deeply…

  “Yeah, I’ve got to break up with her…tell her about Lori, that everything changed. I wanted to tell her in person, because it’s rotten to break up with someone over the phone, but I hadn’t been back in town until today, so that’s next, after dinner,” said Jo, frowning a little. “I feel terrible about it, but when love comes knocking…”

  “…you answer the door,” finished Max. They used to tell each other that when they were a little younger and a little more foolish. But were they any less foolish, now?

  As Max looked across at Jo, she realized that she thought she’d known this woman so well. But Jo had grown different. For one, she was busier, now. Their friendship was still strong, just not nearly what it used to be. And all this time as their dynamic had grown and changed, Max hadn’t wanted to see that. She’d wanted to hold on to that friendship, no matter the cost, but the friendship she was holding on to wasn’t what Jo was holding. She hadn’t seen Jo in awhile, Jo kept canceling their plans, just like she canceled Fiona’s, putting business forever above anything else. After all this time, Max was no longer a priority in Jo’s life, and Max realized that the woman she thought she’d known so well…maybe she didn’t know her that well after all.

  Because Jo had been cheating on Fiona. And the Jo Max had known once would never, ever have done that.

  But Max couldn’t judge.

  After all, she’d done the same thing, hadn’t she?

  “Jo, I have something to tell you,” she said then, her voice firm and resolute, though it quavered a little at the end. “On Saturday,” she said, biting her lip, “I…well, Fiona offered to cut my hair, and…well,” she repeated, stammering. She had no idea how to tell her. “Something happened with Fiona.”

  Jo sat across from her, head to the side, considering Max. “What happened?”

  She didn’t even seem mildly interested. Max frowned. “I kissed her. Fiona. I kissed Fiona.”

  “Oh!” said Jo, her mouth open a little before she shut it as she considered this. “Do you guys…I mean…” She waggled her fingers at Max as a little grin began to spread across her face. “Do you have feelings for her?”

  How could what Max feel be boiled down to something so inane? Yes, Max had feelings for her, but to say that she had feelings for her was not the whole truth. Max loved Fiona heart and soul, felt this awesome, immense magnetic pull to that woman as if her whole heart belonged to Fiona. And perhaps it did.

  And why didn’t Jo care even the slightest bit?

  “Yes, I have feelings for Fiona,” said Max, clearing her throat.

  “Well, great, then,” said Jo, slumping back with relief against the booth’s back. She raised an eyebrow as she raised her arm and rested it along the back. “It’ll make my telling her a lot easier, I think, knowing you’re going to swoop her up.”

  Max stared at Jo. She certainly wasn’t any better than Jo, but in that moment, the callousness of Jo’s response startled her. “I just…I’ve felt terrible this whole time,” she said, waving her hand and leaning back against the booth, too. So many emotions warred within her, she wasn’t even certain where to start. “I didn’t want to hurt you, so I didn’t pursue her because she was your girlfriend,” said Max woodenly.

  “I should have told you right away that I wasn’t interested in her anymore,” said Jo, frowning too. “I mean…what do you want me to say? That I’m shocked and betrayed? Because I’m not. That’s what people do, Maxie,” she said, shaking her head.

  Max should have felt ecstatic, happier than she’d ever felt in her life. She was free to pursue Fiona, and in the back of her head, she was certainly experiencing some of this happiness. But she stared across the table at Jo, the woman who had once broken up with a girl because her father would disown the girl, and Jo loved the girl so much, she let her go. That had been decades ago, now, and Jo’s attitude toward women had changed, it was true…but this much?

  “Max,” said Jo, leaning forward. “We’ve always been different, you and I. I think we want very different things out of life. That’s why…” Jo trailed off, bit her lip. “I mean, look where I am and where you are.”

  Shock made the color drain from Max’s face. “What are you talking about?” she murmured.

  “You never go for what you want, Max,” said Jo, concern making her frown deepen. “That’s why I own my own business, and you’re still at that call center. If, for once in your life, you took what you actually wanted, you’d be successful.”

  Perhaps Jo didn’t mean for it to sound so condescending, but it came across blatantly as the most condescending thing Max had ever been told.

  Jo took Max’s silence as a cue to continue. “Anyway, I thought I liked Fiona, so I went after her. Turns out, she’s not my type. So I found Lori, and Lori’s very much my type,” she said, the frown turning into a satisfied grin. “So I went after her instead. I went for what I wanted.”

  “Women aren’t…aren’t business deals that will increase your bottom line,” said Max quietly, fury beginning to build within her. “Fiona really cared about you, was worried about you, was hurt that you never wanted to do anything with her, were always too busy for her. And all this time, you were seeing someone else behind her back.”

  “Really, Maxie?” said Jo, her face becoming hard. “You’re going to pull that on me when you were the one putting the moves on my girlfriend?”

  It stung, and Max knew that it deserved to sting. But, somehow, their situations seemed different, even if they weren’t so different after all. “Fiona’s an incredibly special woman,” she said softly. And then, even quieter: “she deserved better than this.”

  Jo snorted, shaking her head. “Don’t act like you’re better than me, because you’re not. You know what happens to people with pure ideals and all that crap? They don’t make very good business-women. And they end up desperately unhappy. Sound familiar?” said Jo, her eyes flashing.

  “Why is always about that with you?” asked Max, anger making her say what she’d always wanted to, but never had the heart to tell Jo. “Why are you always pushing me to start a business or be more successful? We made that stupid pact when we were kids. Maybe I don’t want to do that now. Maybe I don’t measure the value of my life by how many dollars are in the bank.”

  “Don’t pull that crap with me,” said Jo heatedly. “Dollars in the bank sure help make for a better life, don’t they? How much do you make slaving away at a call center that makes you feel terrible every damn day of your life?”

  “It doesn’t matter to me,” said Max, suddenly standing. “Because I finally understand what means the most to me. After all this time, I know what’s precious.” She fumbled with her jean jacket and threw it over her shoulders. “I’m sorry that I kissed Fiona while I thought she was still your girlfriend. I did everything in my power to stop, but I was compelled to do it. I love her, Jo. And you never did. She was just another woman in a long line of women who will never and can never make you happy.” Max drew a twenty dollar bill out of her wallet and smacked it down on the table.

  “Max,” said Jo quietly, grabbing Max’s wrist. The anger moving through Max slowed down long enough for her to stare down at her best friend.

  Max had always seen Jo as this pinnacle of success, the woman she should strive to be more like. But for the first time that night, in the diner, Max could truly see what Jo had become. And she was a pinnacle of success, surely. If you measured her life in net assets and worth, you would think she was at the top of her game. But as Jo, sitting in the booth, stared up at Max who stood over her, Max could see the crow’s feet forming along the sides of Jo’s face, the mouth that had ample lines from where she frowned all the time, but hardly ever smiled. Time was catching up with Jo, and Jo spent every waking moment of her life working…instead of living.

  Or loving. Jo never opened up to any of the women she shared a date or bed with. She never let them see the deepest parts of her heart, because she never let anyone close enough to do
that.

  Not even Max anymore.

  “Look,” said Jo. She sounded sorry, and she was fishing in her back pocket for something. “Here—I was going to take Fiona to this musical she likes before…well.” Jo stared down at the two tickets in her hand. “To be honest, I think it’d be really great if you took her. On me. The tickets are for this Friday.”

  Max took the tickets reluctantly, feeling strange. So much had changed in a single night. Her best friend wasn’t the person she’d thought she was.

  And Fiona could now, possibly, be hers. Possibly, on Friday, they could be going on a real, genuine date together. With nothing holding them back anymore.

  “Thanks,” said Max quietly. “When…when are you going to tell Fiona?”

  Something flickered across Jo’s face. “I thought I’d stop by her place now.”

  Max’s stomach tightened at that. She wondered if Fiona would feel hurt, she wondered how Jo would deliver the news.

  “Or you could tell her for me,” said Jo, her narrowed eyes never leaving Max’s face.

  “That’s low,” Max muttered, shaking her head as the anger rose within her again.

  “You seem pretty set on going to see her now,” said Jo with a shrug, leaning back in the booth again. “Am I right? You know I know you pretty well, Maxie.”

  “No,” Max whispered, shaking her head as she realized the truth of it. “I don’t think we know each other that well at all anymore.”

  Jo’s expression hardened. “If that’s the way you feel.”

  Max and Jo used to argue heatedly about everything, once. But over time, they stopped, and Max could never quite figure out why they’d stopped. It wasn’t because their views on things had shifted. They’d always been pretty different. But over time, Max hadn’t wanted to argue, hadn’t really found anything anymore worth fighting for.