A Brother's Secret

by A. J. Downey

  “More living happened. You know my mom and pictures.”

  “Yeah.”

  She went to one, drifting away from me, her fingers slipping from mine and I let her go to it. She touched the frame with a gentle fingertip and her eyes grew wet with a light mist.

  “I remember this. We went to the carnival, what were we?”

  “Seven, I think.”

  “Your dad bought us cotton candy, and you wanted to go on the Gravitron… that ride that used centrifugal force, remember?”

  “Oh, god! Don’t remind me!” I groaned and clutched my stomach. She laughed.

  “We came down off those panels and you staggered outside and barely made the trash can!”

  “Everything was blue and I freaked out.”

  “Never made fun of you for crying, though.”

  “No, you never did…”

  “Your parents were so cool about it, too.” She looked wistful and I went to her, pulling her into my arms. She rested her head on my shoulder and her arms dipped beneath my jacket and cut, close to my body, taking advantage of the warmth and closeness. I laid my cheek on her hair and twisted gently, back and forth, rocking her and she worked through some of her sorrow. I know I was working on mine. The grief of lost time, lost memories, mourning the death of what could have been…

  “You didn’t answer my question,” I said softly, after a time.

  “Not hungry,” she whispered. “Just so tired…”

  “Bed, then?”

  “Yeah. Sleep sounds really good. I wish I were up for something else but…”

  “Hush, plenty of time for all of that, later. Right now I’d be good with you naked against me and like a solid week’s worth of sleep.”

  She groaned, “God that sounds so good. I mean, is it always like this with them? Go, go, and go, all the time?”

  “No. Wasn’t my first choice either, baby; you can trust me on that.”

  “No, no, I believe it,” she let her breath out in a huge rush of warm air, “Just… I’m tired.”

  “I get it, come on up.”

  She let me lead her to and up the stairs to the second floor and paused, touching the door to my old bedroom. I smiled and opened it up for her and I felt her shoulders slump with relief. This was a room I hadn’t changed. Nothing. Not a thing… but I also didn’t sleep here anymore. The twin bed definitely insufficient.

  “We’ll revisit later, yeah?”

  “Yeah, okay,” she agreed.

  I led her down to my parent’s old room, the master suite, and she followed. I shut the door tightly behind us and she sighed, looking around relieved. This space was all mine, the new me, the ‘me’ that I’d been without Mali here, suffering daily through her absence. This room was very grown up and with her in it, almost felt foreign now.

  She took everything in, the muted masculine colors I preferred; the modern furniture, and slid out of my old jacket slowly. I took it from her and hung it on the coat tree in the corner by the closet, adding mine beside hers. I stared at the two coats, side by side, hanging innocuously there and felt a stricture around my heart ease marginally. She was here, really here with me in this space, but it still sort of felt incomplete. I didn’t know why, and when I turned, I saw it reflected in her eyes, too.

  Maybe time? Maybe we just needed to get through a small grace period before things started to feel right. It was just so incredibly new, shocking almost, even though it was what both of us wanted so badly.

  She sank down carefully on the side of my bed and leaned over, working the laces open on her boots and disengaging the zipper on the inside of each leg, lowering them to the floor. I pulled off my own and set them at the base of the coat rack like I did every time I took them off when I was home. She looked around with uncertainty and scraped her bottom lip between her teeth. I went over and took her boots from her and took them over and set them next to mine, beneath her jacket.

  “I feel so out of place,” she said and looked at a loss when it came to saying more. I went to her and held my hands out. She obliged me and took them, letting me draw her to her feet. I pulled her close, twining her arms around my waist and cradled her face between my hands.

  “You’re right where I want you to be. You’re right where you belong.” I lowered my lips to hers and her eyes drifted shut. She kissed me back, slow, sweet, and in no rush. We savored each other, our bodies relaxing, tension easing from muscles even as our mutual breathing picked up.

  “Clothes off,” she breathed and I hauled on the back of my shirt, up over my head. She gripped the hem of hers and they both drifted to the floor forgotten as we reached for one another, pulling each other tight.

  “I thought you were tired,” I teased when she went for my belt.

  “I am, but I need you to put me in a coma.”

  I laughed, “Yeah?” The smile melted off my face when she looked at me and her brown eyes were nothing but somber. It killed my boner, and I smoothed my hands up and down her arms.

  “Talk to me, baby,” I murmured and didn’t care about the pleading that’d crept into my tone.

  “I’m a magnet for disaster, Kyle,” she said helplessly. “I hurt everyone I come into contact with. I feel like a regular Typhoid Mary and I’m all of a sudden not so sure that this was such a good idea.”

  “It’s the best idea,” I said.

  “I’m really not so sure. What if I fuck this up like I have everything else?” She grimaced and I held her tight.

  “You didn’t fuck anything up, Mali. You shot the son of a crime boss who was trying to shoot your dad. You defended the only piece of family you had. If that’s on anybody, it’s on your pops. Not you.”

  I knew I was treading on dangerous ground. Mali was as loyal as a person could get where her dad was concerned. When we’d been kids, she’d come up with every excuse for him under the damn sun when he’d lose his shit and do something awful. She craved so badly to be loved and accepted by him; and on the surface? He tried to make it look good in front of other people that she was the apple of his eye, but I don’t think he was honestly capable of anything deep. As my momma used to say, that man was as shallow as God made them.

  I waited for her to make an excuse, to take up for him now, but she surprised me. She didn’t say anything in his defense, instead, she murmured, “Maybe I just need a good night’s sleep. Maybe, I’m just tired and will feel better in the morning.”

  I nodded, “I have a thing tomorrow for my day job, but I think you’re right, baby. Sleep is the order of the day.”

  She stepped back reluctantly but I beat her to unfastening her pants. I went to my knees in front of her and slid them down her legs, taking her panties with them. I took them off, then slipped off her socks one by one. I stood, trailing fingertips along her curves and supple skin. Learning her body by touch like a blinded man learning braille. I guess, in some ways, I was blinded when it came to Mali. I knew she had flaws but to me, they were nothing compared to her light and I was dazzled by that. I was so in love with her, I took seventeen years out of my life to find her and did things in that time that most men would call me crazy if they knew.

  I was crazy. Crazy about her. Always had been and always would be.

  I stood slowly, letting my fingertips drag along her body as she stood there, eyes closed and barely breathing. I was inside her space, drinking her energy in long before my lips touched hers for a physical taste. She whimpered against my mouth and the hard-on that’d lost interest was suddenly back and all about it. I unfastened my own jeans, shoving them and my boxers off my hips, Mali’s long, sensual fingers came out of nowhere, wrapping around my length, stroking me from root to tip. Her other hand rested on my hip, fingers digging, subtly begging for me to come that much closer.

  I held her face between my hands and concentrated on kissing her and she took a half step back toward the bed. I followed, staying in her space, unwilling to let her go. Her talk of being toxic bothered me, made me afraid that she might
try to leave again in a bid to protect me from my own heart’s deepest desire: that she stay. That she would live with me and be with me like this until we were both old and gray like we’d talked about so many times before, when we were kids.

  She stopped, pinned between me and the bed. She broke our kiss and turned in my embrace putting her back to my chest. My arms locked around her body and my hand found her chin. I pinned her against my body, playing lips and teeth against the side of her neck. She gave a throaty gasp as I let my cock find its way between her ass cheeks, pressing it snug between them as I growled in her ear harshly, “What you do to me…”

  “God yes, I want you to use it,” she moaned back.

  “Hair down,” I ordered and her hands immediately moved to comply.

  Her fingers unwound her braid and worked the mass of her tresses loose. I gave her a shove and demanded, “Lay down on your stomach.”

  She climbed up onto the bed and lay on her stomach and the fact she complied was a heady cocktail of power and desire in my blood. I started low, kissing her calves, moving up her legs, steady, my heart rate and body heat climbing as I settled over her, hands on her ass and opened her up, I wanted to make love to her, but more importantly, I wanted things to be intimate.

  So I played with her body, causing sensations, doing everything I could to make her melt, make her relax, and bring down the invisible walls between us. I would take all night if I had to.

  26

  Amalia…

  I wanted him inside me, badly, but he wasn’t about to let me off the hook. He kissed me at random, a soft touch of lips, a hot, wet lick up my spine followed by the cooling sensation of him blowing on it. His hands kneading, teasing out the knots until I was as wet as a woman could get, aching for him, but at the same time calm. My anxiety, my guard, dropping to let him in all the way.

  He was so in tune with me on that deep level, the soul-bound one that no one except maybe Joey had come close to… Who was I kidding? That was the guilt talking. The sex with Joey had been good, but I could never fully let my guard down or bring down my walls with him. Not like I could with Kyle. I never felt safe enough or comfortable enough to give up my control over anything like I could when I was with Kyle. It was a special kind of bond to have with another person to trust them so fucking completely.

  “Hold still,” he demanded and his hand fell onto the back of my neck, pressing me to the covers. I froze and closed my eyes, fighting my body’s natural reaction to buck, to fight him off, even as his thumb tenderly caressed, pressing in that spot of tension at the base of my skull, his fingers digging slightly into the muscle running along my neck telling it to loosen. It wasn’t about to listen, but he was on the right track. It felt good.

  His other hand smoothed down my back, over my ass in a caress, he pried me open, and I went to open my legs, give him access. That hand disappeared and came down in a slap on my ass.

  “Keep your legs closed,” he ordered sternly and I swallowed hard. I wasn’t used to bossy Kyle, but I was beginning to really like him. I gripped the covers at my shoulders and held my breath as his fingers delved between my cheeks and he went looking for the entrance to my pussy.

  “No butt stuff,” I said. “At least, not tonight.”

  He chuckled darkly and said, “Not what I had planned but good to know it’s on the menu at some point.” He worked a couple of fingers inside me and I gasped, hips lifting off the bed. He pressed me down harder by the back of my neck, the heel of his hand pressing at its base near the shoulders and that was hot.

  I couldn’t help myself, I writhed a little against his hand and he chuckled again, a low growling, purring sound that went straight to my core and caused my pussy to give a little throbbing ache. I wanted more.

  His hand disappeared and he got up on the bed, straddling my thighs like he was going to give me a fucking back massage but then he went questing for my entrance with his cock and my brain went out for drinks without me. I let out a throaty gasping moan and my hips raised up, my back bowing down low, tits pressed to the bed. I was offering myself up to him like a fucking cat in heat and it was so hot. He didn’t disappoint me, either; sliding himself right inside like he owned me… and maybe he did, but only because I wanted him to.

  Holy shit!

  The angle was beyond perfect for us. I think I found my new favorite position because the way he moved inside of me forced the head of his cock right against the roof of my vagina, you know if I had been laying on my back. Except in doing so, it went right over that spot. His hand left down below, pulling out from between our bodies once he was sure he wasn’t going to slip out and joined the other at the base of my neck, his fingers curling over my shoulders, thumbs easing the tension out from between them.

  “God, baby you feel so good,” he crooned and then it was like he lost all sense of mercy. He gripped my shoulders and pulled back on me as he thrust forward with his hips and I cried out in a combination of surprise and a little bit of fear. I’d never encountered any sensation so intense before and it both shocked and awed. He paused as I tried to figure out if I actually liked it or not and when I took too long to give him a response one way or the other, he did it again only this time he didn’t let up.

  Oh my god, he knew me so well! He flexed his body against mine and rode me expertly and I could only think to myself, be careful what you wish for before my brain switched off completely and I just gave myself over to the new and different sensations he wrought. I’d told him to put me in a coma and he’d taken me at my word; Jesus!

  The orgasm was seriously like one of those time lapse photos of a flower bursting from bud to full bloom. One moment you’re looking at a bud swaying gently in the breeze then bam! A riot of color, petals, or in this case, pleasure, unfurling from my center. Only instead of withering away, the petals burst from the stem swirling on the wind and through my veins like one of those stylized anime movies while the somber characters went through their angst.

  It was a perfect feeling. Deep wrought and full of meaning, all of the emotions I kept bottled filtered through his love until I felt like I could breathe again. Oh, I was sure they would be back and that I would feel as if I were drowning again, but for now? For now, Kyle gave me precisely what I needed. A physically blissed-out fucking coma.

  I came around his cock I don’t know how many times. My body was wet and ready, taking every punishing thrust and releasing a little more emotional hurt with each one. It was probably the most cathartic sex I had ever participated in and I can’t even remember if he got his own.

  It was still dark when I woke. I was laying on my stomach and sucked in a sharp breath, a firm but gentle touch smoothing my loose hair out of my face, back behind my ear. Kyle was dressed, and he leaned down to kiss the edge of my ear and say into it reassuringly, “It’s just me.”

  “What time is it?” I groaned.

  “Pushing five-thirty,” he said and crouched beside the bed to bring himself eye level.

  “What the fuck?” I moaned.

  “Didn’t want to wake you, just wanted to kiss you goodbye.”

  “Where are you going again?”

  “Deal with a client, it’s an hour drive, more with traffic and in the city. I should be home by around ten or so.”

  I groaned and let out a string of swears in Romani. He laughed, and I forgot, I’d taught them all to him. It was one of the things my dad had taught me. The language, but it’s not like I’d had much occasion to use it. He’d done something or other to get himself outcast from them and I was, by default, an outcast with him. It was part of why we’d depended on each other so hard through everything… I was, quite literally, all he had in the world and I knew it.

  Now he was gone, but I wasn’t alone. I had Kyle back, and there was another major difference. I had a loving relationship full of respect. I turned my head away and said, “Be careful, I want you back in once piece.”

  He chuckled and smoothed his hand appreciatively down my nud
e back. I shuddered with desire and he tucked me in, kissing the back of my shoulder before pulling the sheet up over it.

  “I love you,” he murmured and I closed my eyes, the first tears slipping silent down my nose, staining the pillow case in front of it.

  When I could trust my voice not to betray me I let out a muffled, “I love you, too. I mean it, be careful.”

  “I will,” he said and with that, he slipped out of the room. I groped to his side of the bed and dragged his pillow into my chest. I buried my nose into in and breathed deep his smell and I couldn’t hold any of the grief and overwhelming emotion in any longer. I had myself a deep, good, cleansing cry.

  27

  Data…

  I felt a little guilty, spying on her like I was. I mean, she didn’t know the extent of my security systems in the house and I’d tell her, but right now I was so worried about her I couldn’t help myself. I’d brought up the bedroom before I even got into my 4Runner to see her clutching my pillow to her chest, sobbing brokenly into it.

  Shit.

  She was falling into a quagmire of guilt and she didn’t have fuck all to be guilty about. Confused about? Sure. She even had plenty to be scared and uncertain about. Starting over wasn’t easy, no matter how many times you’ve done it before. I started the 4Runner and drove into the city after stopping at one of Everett’s new coffee stands, Sacred Grounds. I’d need her special brand of fucking jet fuel to get through the next several hours.

  Predictably, those hours dragged, and my thoughts weren’t far from Mali during every fucking second of them. I managed to stay focused enough to take notes on what this particular start-up was looking for out of me, and I think I flew under the radar. They didn’t seem to know I was as distracted as I was, so at least there was that.

  The whole drive back, I worried. My mind going a thousand miles an hour. I hoped she’d found her stuff and had resisted the urge, by a narrow margin, to violate her privacy any more than I already had that morning.