One Step At A Time

by Brenda Adcock

  But somewhere deep in my soul

  I knew you weren’t ready.

  Do you remember what I said

  That night I set you free

  From the beast raging inside of me?

  During an instrumental interlude after the first stanza of the song, Maddie glanced down at the girls standing close to the stage, smiled, and reached down to one of them, who appeared to be thirteen or fourteen. She pulled the girl up onto the stage and whispered something to her before taking her into her arms and leading the girl into a slow dance.

  Near the end of the interlude, Maddie returned to the edge of the stage and lowered the girl carefully to the floor again, pausing to throw her a kiss before picking her guitar up again to begin the second stanza.

  Someday I’ll find the one who’ll take me away,

  Someone who’ll fill the hunger growing within me,

  Clawing to be free.

  I thought you were the one.

  I thought I wanted you, I thought I needed you, baby.

  But you were too young, so I moved on

  Until you were ready to fill me with your desire.

  Ready to come home where you belong, baby.

  Until I was ready to lie safely in your arms and feel your tender touch.

  The band continued to play behind her. Maddie turned to face them for a moment, then pointed at the drummer who began pounding out a heavy beat that lasted a few seconds. Maddie faced the audience and struck the original chords that began the song, her voice crying out above the screams and whistles coming from the jumping crowd.

  Then kiss me, baby,

  Feel me, honey,

  I know you want me

  So let me make you mine.

  The song ended with a loud scream and a joint guitar riff by Maddie and Buck. When the final chords faded away, Maddie grinned at Buck and saw Alice bouncing just off-stage as she clapped. Maddie leaned down and said, “I think you’ll have a hot fan waiting for ya, Buck.”

  Buck nodded. “The music always makes ’em wet, kid. Good job tonight,” he smiled.

  While she was putting her guitar in its case after the show, Maddie asked Buck to bunk in with someone else. He looked around her at Dani and agreed.

  Dani went with Maddie as she closed down Alice’s Midway booth.

  Maddie fired up a cigarette while working.

  “When did you start smoking?” Dani asked.

  “In prison while I was gettin’ the drugs out of my system,” Maddie responded as she wrapped a rope around her shoulder and elbow.

  “Did it work?”

  “Most of the time. As long as my hands stayed busy, I was okay.” She wiggled her fingers at Dani and laughed at the flush that ran up her neck.

  “Is there someplace we can talk privately?” Dani asked.

  Maddie glanced around, squinting as the smoke from her cigarette floated up toward her eyes. “Nobody around here to hear anythin’ you say.” She grinned before adding, “Unless you have somethin’ else private in mind.” She moved closer to Dani and ran her fingers down her arm. “I can take care of that, too, baby,” she whispered.

  Maddie laughed as Dani pushed her away, glowering at her. She grabbed Dani’s arm and said, “Follow me, kid.”

  MADDIE UNLOCKED THE door to the trailer she shared with Buck and stepped inside. She turned and held her hand out to Dani.

  “Buck’s stayin’ with a friend. They found an all-night poker game somewhere. Come on in and make yourself comfortable,” she invited.

  When Dani ignored her, Maddie went inside and opened the fridge, grabbing a bottle of orange juice. She opened it and gulped down several swallows. When she looked up, Dani was standing in the doorway. “Close the fuckin’ door if you’re gonna stay. Can’t afford to cool the great outdoors. Want somethin’ to drink? We have beer, water, and some wine coolers.”

  “Water, please.”

  Maddie tossed her a bottle of water. Dani drank a couple of swallows as she looked around the dingy trailer.

  “Sorry about the mess,” Maddie said with a shrug. “It’s the maid’s year off.” She cleared a spot on the small couch and waited for Dani to sit.

  Dani looked at Maddie. “What happened to you? You had everything. Women, money, anything you wanted.”

  “You happened to me. I met you and, in a flash,” she stopped to snap her fingers loudly, “everythin’ I had worked so hard for was...gone,” Maddie said, her voice heated.

  “I was a kid, as you keep reminding me. I trusted you.” Dani shook her head and laughed. “I only went with Jan so she wouldn’t be alone. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. You should have chosen her.”

  Maddie plopped down next to Dani and propped her feet on an old milk carton. “Well, this is what you get after you finish payin’ off the mother of all fuck-ups, baby. Impressive, huh?”

  “Thanks for the drink, Maddie, but I think I should leave now.”

  “Leave? And miss all the fun?” She sat up and leaned closer to Dani. “I’m a lot more fun when I’m sober and actually know what I’m doing,” she whispered. “Isn’t this what you wanted ten years ago? To be alone with me like this?” Maddie nibbled at Dani’s neck and placed her hand on her knee.

  “Stop it,” Dani said, shoving Maddie’s hand away. “I was a confused kid back then and didn’t realize what the hell I was getting into.”

  “Oh, come on, baby, don’t be that way. After all, I never got to finish what I was doin’ before you ran over that guy. You owe me just a little payback, doncha think?”

  Maddie set her drink down and smiled lecherously at Dani, letting her eyes skim slowly down her body as she licked her lips. “So nice,” she murmured as she brought a hand up and ran it to the back of Dani’s neck, leaning closer to trail her tongue down her neck, stopping to suck softly at Dani’s pulse point. Leaning farther over Dani, Maddie slowly maneuvered her lower on the small couch. But before Maddie could go any further, Dani grabbed the front of her shirt and pulled her into a mind-blowing kiss, drawing Maddie’s tongue deeply into her hot mouth. Maddie felt her body respond as she returned the kiss just as fervently, her hand drifting up Dani’s body and cupping her breast. Maddie pulled her close against her body, taking Dani’s mouth hungrily and greedily while her hands explored her body freely.

  “Is this what you wanted ten years ago?” she whispered into Dani’s ear. “Because it’s sure as hell what I wanted.”

  “I was a stupid kid and you were a drugged-out predator. I’ve learned a lot in ten years.”

  “True, but you’ve learned how to be a dynamite kisser.” The feel of Dani’s hand sliding beneath her shirt and down her muscled abdomen brought Maddie out of her temporary haze of unwanted desire and she sat up abruptly, moving away from Dani. “I think it’s time for you to leave,” Maddie said unexpectedly. “It’s been a long fuckin’ day.” Maddie pushed her body up and ran a slightly shaking hand through her hair. She’d come too close to giving herself to someone else who had the power to hurt her. She stepped over Dani and went to the trailer door, pushing it open. She shook another cigarette from her pack and lit it, blowing a stream of smoke outside.

  “So now you don’t want me.” Dani laughed.

  “Don’t you get it, baby, I never wanted you, but I would have happily taken you anyway and it would have been sweet, even if I didn’t remember your fuckin’ name the next day,” Maddie snarled cruelly. “Hell, I barely remember you now,” she laughed.

  Dani stood and went to the door. She paused a moment before stepping out and looked at Maddie. “You’ve changed. And apparently not for the better.”

  “Yeah, well, life’s a mean bitch, full of so much promise and so many cruel disappointments.”

  Maddie watched Dani walk away as she finished her cigarette and tossed it out the door. She lay down and threw her arm over her eyes. The carnival was suddenly becoming a minefield of unwanted emotions. She needed to escape
before everything exploded around her. She reread Jan’s note and got up, quickly shoving what little she owned into her duffel. She jotted a note for Buck, explaining her decision to leave, not sure yet where she would go.

  She left the trailer, never pausing to look back and leaving the guitar behind. It would only serve as an unwelcome reminder of a past she was better off forgetting.

  Chapter Five

  MADDIE HITCHHIKED FOR a couple of hours before a truck stopped after midnight and agreed to drop her at a truck stop just outside of Wichita Falls, Texas. She ate enough food from a buffet at the truck stop to last her a while and began following the highway toward town until she found a sign for the turn-off to the Wichita County Civic Center.

  Several miles later she located the Civic Center. Wichita Falls? Was this really the last town she and her band played before everything turned to shit? For them it had just been another nameless stop on a seemingly endless tour of nameless mid-American towns that all seemed to blend together after weeks, or had it been months, on the road. She wandered around the complex and finally saw the word “Auditorium” emblazoned on a section of the larger complex.

  She didn’t remember the venue they’d played being this large but didn’t remember much after their arrival. She found the loading dock behind the auditorium and stared at a back entrance. They basically all looked alike, but in her mind, she could visualize grabbing the light green metal handrail down the back steps, Courtney draped all over her. Maddie was so fuckin’ high she was lucky she remembered how to walk. All she wanted was to fall into a bed and sleep, but Courtney said something that pissed Maddie off and she’d waded into the knotted group of mostly teenage girls, screaming her name and reaching out for even the slightest touch on their hand or arm that they wouldn’t wash for a week, until the next rocker came to town.

  That was when Maddie saw her—a quiet, self-conscious looking girl trying to make herself invisible behind a pretty, and probably willing, young girl with shiny auburn hair. But Maddie liked a challenge. To the auburn-haired girl’s disappointment, Maddie offered her hand and a roguish grin to the shy girl who said her name was Danielle. Honestly, Maddie didn’t remember much after that until the damn accident.

  A couple of blocks from the Civic Center, Maddie found a pay phone that still had an intact phonebook attached. She flipped through it looking for an address for Oscar’s Auto Repair Shop. The training she’d received at Sand Ridge qualified her as a certified mechanic. Somewhere in her stuff she carried a letter of recommendation from her instructor, David Larsen. She pulled the folded note Jan left in the trailer and looked up the address for Mama’s Place. Sounded like a strip joint or something, but she needed a dry place to bunk. And luckily, it was on the same street as Oscar’s. She turned to the front of the phonebook, looked around to see if anyone would see her, and ripped out the small street map.

  By the time she walked to the street she wanted, the rooming house was closed. She spent the night on a porch swing and was awakened early the next morning by a shrill voice yelling, “Miz Flo, some stranger’s asleep on your porch!” Maddie jumped up to see a buck-toothed, young black woman staring at her. A hand flew out and the young woman said, “Clorinda,” shaking her hand in Maddie’s face impatiently.

  “Sorry, I must’ve dozed off,” Maddie muttered, grabbing the hand to stop its continued annoying flailing. “Maddie,” she said, eliciting a toothy grin. While she ran her hands over her face, a heavily tattooed, middle-aged woman with graying, crew cut hair, stepped onto the porch, wearing a black Harley-Davidson T-shirt, cut-offs and flip-flops.

  “Whatcha need?” the woman asked in a low, whiskey smooth voice that sounded like it had spent too much time in too many bars over the years, her fists planted on her hips.

  “Someone told me ya might have a room to rent at a reasonable rate,” Maddie said, leery of the woman and the three women surrounding her, one of whom wore what appeared to be a police or sheriff’s uniform.

  “Trouble, honey?” the uniformed woman asked, resting her hand on the butt of the pistol on her hip. The woman was an inch or two taller than Maddie, with short ginger hair and piercing hazel eyes. Her face and arms were heavily covered with freckles.

  “Nothin’ I can’t handle, Sal,” the muscular woman replied with an affectionate smile. “Don’t be late for work, baby.” Turning back to Maddie, she extended her hand and said, “Flo. When did you get out?”

  “Who said I’d been in,” Maddie said defensively, ignoring the proffered hand. “Just lookin’ for a place to sleep.”

  Flo grinned and said, “I ain’t fuckin’ blind, sugar. Regular people wouldn’t be caught dead in them clothes. Besides, soon as I get your name, Sal here,” she said, jerking her thumb at the taller woman behind her, “will run it to check out your background, won’t ya, baby.”

  “In a fuckin’ heartbeat,” the woman in uniform growled menacingly.

  “Maddie James,” Maddie spat and stared at Sal. “Need me to spell that for you, baby?”

  Flo’s hand came up quickly and slapped Maddie’s face. “Learn to show a little respect or get off our goddamn porch.”

  Maddie rubbed her jaw and fisted her other hand as she turned back to glare at Flo.

  “I wouldn’t,” Sal threatened in a low voice. “Tell her when ya were released.”

  “Couple weeks ago,” Maddie spat.

  “Your probation officer send ya?” Flo asked.

  “Don’t have one. Did the whole dime,” Maddie said.

  “What were ya in for?” Sal asked.

  “Vehicular manslaughter while under the influence.”

  “Where did ya do your time?” Sal asked

  “Sand Ridge. Why all the damn questions if you’re gonna run a background check anyway, Ranger Rick?” Maddie pointed at Flo. “And don’t even think about smackin’ me again. I don’t like it. I’m just lookin’ for a place to sleep.”

  Flo stuck out her hand again and Maddie took it without wincing from Flo’s strong grip.

  “I don’t rent to troublemakers and ya got that look about ya. Obey the rules and we’ll be cool. Rent’s twenty a week. I provide breakfast and lunch. The girls, includin’ you, fix dinner for everyone, except Sunday. Sal and me fix that, usually on the grill out back. No drugs, no liquor, no dates in the rooms. We share chores around the house. You’ll need to sign up for those every Saturday morning. Do your own laundry. Weekly random room inspections. Questions?”

  Maddie grinned. “Sounds kinda like being in prison, except for the food part. Do I need to make an appointment to breathe, too?”

  “Watch it, hot shot,” Sal growled as she poked Maddie in the chest.

  Maddie slapped Sal’s hand away.

  “You’re gonna have a problem with this one, Flo,” Sal said.

  “I got it, baby,” Flo grinned. “Oh, and no smokin’ inside. Go outside for that.”

  “Anything else ya forgot?” Maddie asked.

  “I’ll let ya know when I make up another rule just for you, princess,” Flo chuckled.

  Maddie picked up her duffel before following Flo into the older, but clean looking two-story house and up the stairs. Flo opened a door and stepped inside. Maddie looked around the room and dropped her meager belongings onto the bed.

  “There’s a Salvation Army Thrift store a couple of blocks away and a small Mom and Pop grocery. We grow most of our own vegetables out back.”

  “Bathroom?” Maddie inquired.

  “End of the hall and another downstairs. You provide your own toilet paper and personal hygiene stuff. Dinner’s usually around six. Elena’s cookin’ tonight, so it’ll probably be tacos or some other Mexican delicacy,” Flo said, making a face. “If you’re hungry now, I’ll whip up some eggs and gravy. We have chickens out back, too.”

  “Sounds good,” Maddie said. “Any coffee?”

  “There’s a coffeemaker in the kitchen. Probably some left over. Ya can reheat i
t in the microwave. Don’t cause no trouble and ya won’t have none. Ya got off to a rocky start already, but livin’ here ain’t bad.”

  “Where were you?” Maddie asked.

  “Percyville. A shithole, but I learned to keep my nose clean and my mouth shut. You’re still workin’ on that, I reckon.”

  “That where you met the Nazi?”

  “Nope. This is her house. I met her doin’ some renovation on it after I got out and we sorta clicked, y’know,” Flo said with a smile. “Gonna be lookin’ for a job?”

  “I trained to be a mechanic while I was in and heard that Oscar’s might be hirin’, if he has an openin’,” Maddie said.

  “He usually has one if you’re any good. Nice guy, but tough. Fair to the ex-cons who work for him. Retired probation officer. Don’t put up with any shit.”

  “Great,” Maddie mumbled.

  “If ya have any money, ya might see if ya can pick up something a little better before ya ask Oscar for a try-out.”

  “Okay,” Maddie nodded before pulling four wrinkled twenties out of her back pocket and handing it to Flo.

  “Where’d ya get eighty bucks?”

  “Been workin’ at a carnival over in some burg near the border, repairin’ machinery and workin’ on the Midway. It’s leavin’ today, so I collected my pay and hitched over here last night.”

  Flo snorted. “Since there ain’t a fuckin’ thing here, I’d say ya made a piss poor choice there.”

  “Wouldn’t be the first time,” Maddie smirked. “It was a personal decision you don’t need to understand.”

  THE FOLLOWING MORNING, Maddie was up before the sun, took a leisurely shower, and dressed in a pair of five-dollar jeans and a light gray T-shirt. She pulled on a cheap pair of work boots and clomped downstairs. While she was preparing a pot of coffee, Flo and Sal wandered into the kitchen, shocked to find anyone else awake before dawn. Sal’s arm was wrapped loosely around Flo’s neck and she held her affectionately.

  “What’re ya up so damn early for?” Sal growled.